The lovely and amazing Meghan at AMomTwoBoys has this amazing ability to be there for the for the entire Internet. If you see that something was planned in the blogging world for someone in need, she generally has her hand in it. She runs like seventeen (am possibly counting wrong) websites. She is the shit. In a good way. The best way in fact. She is sweet and funny and the kind of friend, we should all be lucky enough to have. I adore her. So today I thought I’d see if I could maybe help her in some small way.

That beautiful boy up there is Meghan’s son Zach (isn’t he freaking adorable? I want to eat him up), who is having surgery on both of his eyes on Monday. It is a routine surgery, I mean if you are an eye surgeon. But it is scary. Meghan is scared, as all of us would be. The thought of having someone put your 22 month old baby under to do anything to them is scary, every parent knows that. But after what happened to Maddie, Meghan (and all of us) know that nothing in life is certain. Now it’s even scarier than it would have been.

I can’t tell Meghan not to be scared. If I thought it would help, I’d tell her a million times, but I know it wouldn’t work and it just make her want to kick me at BlogHer. I can’t tell her I wouldn’t be scared, because I would be. I can tell her that Zach will be fine, great even, but I can’t promise her. And unfortunately because I’ve never actually met the woman and I live oh about 1,200 miles away, it’s not like I can give her a hug and some wine and tell her it’s gonna be okay.

I thought I’d do the next best thing, I’d write a whole post for her.

And maybe, just maybe, this will help in some small way. Because here’s the deal: I’ve had this surgery. The exact same surgery that Zach is having on Monday. On both eyes.

I was three months the first time my parents took me to an eye specialist. They knew that by then, I shouldn’t be looking at my nose all the dang time. That doctor, told my parents I’d never see and that I couldn’t be helped. My dad was livid and called a friend of his whose dad was a surgeon, who directed them to an eye surgeon at UCLA. This guy told my parents he could help. By nine months old, I was wearing an eye patch. Little baby pirate Issa. Basically the muscles in my eyes didn’t really work, or as I like to say, they were lazy and bored. The eye patch was supposed to help strengthen one eye, make it work, because it wasn’t doing a darn thing, except staring at my nose all the time. The other eye was better, but not great. I wore the patch for months, but it didn’t really help anything.

Then they tried glasses. The cutest little glasses anyone has ever had. I had glasses from fourteen months old, on. They thought I wouldn’t keep them on, that I’d always want them off. But you know? When you can one day see after most likely not being able too, I guess you decide you kinda like that, even as a toddler.

The glasses helped, but it wasn’t a long term solution. They had to do surgery. Back then, which was in 1983, they waited until you were three to do this surgery. The theory was, maybe your eye muscles would suddenly learn to work in that time frame. Which sounds funny to me now, but whatever. So I was about three years old and a week when I had the surgery.

I remember it. Not the surgery obviously, but the before and after. I remember walking into the hospital with my parents. I remember putting on a little gown; drinking some grape tasting syrup and watching some Wiley E. Coyote on TV. Then I remember being pissed off at my mom because she wouldn’t give me any juice. That was after. That’s it, that’s all I remember. Well that and getting to pick out a stuffed animal in the gift shop on the way out. Oh and needing to wear sunglasses any time I was outside for a few weeks afterwards.

To me it was simple and no big deal. That’s not however what my mom would say. She was scared, as any mother would be. But you know, I was three.

Without the surgery as a child, I am sure I would not be able to see very well. I have been told this by every single eye specialist I have seen as an adult. I would not be able to drive, see the words on this computer screen or be able to tell you each line, freckle and dimple on my children’s faces. That surgery changed my life. One guy called it a miracle that I could see at all.

Meghan, I know this doesn’t really help you. It doesn’t take away the fear. But I can’t do that. You know I would if I could. The only thing that will do that, is it being over and you taking him home. This I know.

Also for you, I am putting up pictures. Pictures of me as a child. The before and after shots. Just so you can see the difference. A few show how bad my right eye was. A couple of my rad glasses, when I was fifteen months old and one from a few years after so you can see how straight my eyes were/are. Ignore the large 80’s glasses in the last one. My mother swears I picked them out myself. After the surgery I didn’t have to wear glasses until I was seven years old. But my vision is bad as well as the muscles being bad and I’ve worn glasses every since. I don’t really know any different, so it’s not a big deal to me. Most of the time, you can’t see any difference in my eyes, except that my right eyelid is a tiny bit lower than the left. Also, when I am extremly tired, my right eye still gets a bit lazy and looks at my nose.

But just know my friend, that my heart and prayers will be with you until it’s done and you are taking Zach home on Monday after the surgery. In fact, this post will stay up here until that time as well. For you and for Zach.

FYI – All photos of me were scanned out of a scrapbook my mom made. Quality is iffy. The worse eye one is the second pic. Click on it for a close up. Truly it was bad.

The photos of Zach were stolen, with permission, from Meghan.

What seems like a zillion years ago, although it was actually around this time five years ago, is where our story begins.

A certain little girl, known here as Morgan used to throw the most magnificent tantrums. If there was an Academy Award for tantrums, this child would have a house full of them. At some point, she, upon being put on her bed, stared slamming the door over and over again. This bugged her mother and father endlessly. One day, the mother made the mistake of asking her teeny tiny crazy ball of joy why she slammed the door so much. You do it, was the childs answer.

Oh. Yeah. Sheet.

Of course the mother had to explain to the father what the kid said. There was then a three slam rule made up on the spot. It went for everyone in the family, because the dad claimed that more than three slams of a door gave him migraines.

The rule was as follows: in a fit of um anger or whatever, said door may be slammed three and only three times. If said door is slammed more than that, the door will be removed from the frame, by the father, for as many days, as their was extra slams.

I’d like to tell you this ends well. That no one ever forgot this rule. But I’d be lying through my teeth. My door has gone missing more than one in the last five years. When he takes mine off, I have no idea where he takes it too. I’ve never been able to find the dam thing.

Somehow the big child and I have the same problem, although through the years we have gotten better about it. (I prefer to throw coffee mugs. Kidding. Sorta.)

Yesterday the middle child took up the reigns. I think she feels that since she is in the last month of being four, she must take full advantage of the four-ness, before it is gone. Also, it pains her that the boy is no longer a lump. Now he is everywhere and yeah, she has brother issues. The tantruming in public, being forced to nap, slamming door reigns. She did manage to only slam it three times in the afternoon.

However last night, at some point, she got pissed off at her father and got sent to bed. Then the door slamming started. Twelve times that door was slammed. Her father is a patient man, more patient than me. He waited until she calmed down and then he went upstairs and removed the door. On the wall next to it, he placed a sign, no door until this day. Which, in case you were wondering is nine days from today.

The big child was PISSED off, since the two girl children share a bedroom. I looked at her and laughed. Come on now, pot, kettle? Ringing any bells? Somehow, I do believe the middle child won’t take five years to figure out this rule.

So that’s my story of the day. Beware of the three door slamming rule.

Today’s post is for Mike Spohr. Happy Father’s Day. Mike my heart is with you and Heather everyday, but especially today. Hugs, Issa

Sometimes, the best we can do is share a person’s experience and let them know we have their back. That while we may not how they feel, we recognize that there are days that are just going to suck beyond the telling of it.

So today we celebrate firsts. Just a very few of Maddie’s firsts from the Spohr family flickr photostream:

(Which was probably after Mad’s first trip to a BAR.)

We celebrate all the joyous firsts with you and stand guard over you for all the firsts to come.

The Women of Room 704.

Even over the smell of the food, I smelled him as he walked in the door. You don’t think you will ever forget the smell of a man once they are gone forever, but sadly one day you do. Until it walks into a restaurant and gets in line behind you. I breathed deeply twice. I bit my lip to stop the tears, as I turned around to see who it was that smelled like that.

He was probably about 70 years old. Little bit shrunken, like older people get. Nice looking guy, glasses, old guy cap on his head. But that smell, he smelled just like my grandpa. I just smiled at him and turned back around. The baby cooed at him once, possibly waved, as it is his favorite thing to do. I am pretty sure he said something to Harrison, but I couldn’t tell you what.

I wish I could have asked him what cologne he used. Wouldn’t have mattered though, as I know it was a combination of things. His Cologne, Zest soap, Listerine, Certs breath mints. Grandpa; he smelled like grandpa.

************

Where are we going this week, he’d ask me. Where do you think silly, I’d say. Let me guess? How about Paulie’s, you know Paul would love to see you? No grandpa, no Mexican food, Hamburger Hamlet. Oh how could I have not known that, he’d say, sighing.

Every other Tuesday night for two years, that was my dinner choice. Every time, we had the same conversation. Their hamburgers and fries were to die for, their shakes couldn’t be beat; but best yet, they let you draw on the table. At five years old, there is nothing better than drawing on the table while on a date with your grandpa.

You know, Melissa Annie, he’d say; one day you are going to want to go to a real restaurant and then I will be the one wanting to draw on the table and we always have to come here.

Grandpa, even when I am eighty-ninety-two years old, I will always want to come here.

************

I was six, maybe seven the first time I got fresh with him. You better watch it girl, or I will snatch you bald headed. He growled a bit as he said it. I apologized instantly and he was fine after that.

What that exactly meant, I never knew. But he said it too all of the grandchildren when they got smart mouthed or said or did something rude. What I did know was I didn’t want to know what it meant.

I heard someone else say that their grandfather used to say that. Not sure where I was, nor who said it, but it didn’t bother me. I bet their grandfather didn’t growl when he said it.

*************

At ten, he taught me how to shift the gears in his car when he was driving. As I got better at it, he’d say every time I got into his car, you shifting or am I? Well that was a silly question to ask a ten year old. I always shifted. He’d tell me when and I got to where I could do it without even looking.

At twelve, he took me into a school parking lot on a Sunday and let me have my first attempt at driving. You tell your dad about this and I’ll snatch you bald headed, he’d say.

Grandpa if I told dad about this, he’d make you stop. I want to drive, this is between you and me.

Not many twelve year old children can say they know how to drive a stick shift.

************

In the summer, when I was fourteen, I ran away from home. I tried to go to Mexico with some friends. We had parental issues, or so we thought in the moment. Everything would be better in Mexico. At the border, they made us call someone to come and get us and I called grandpa. He drove the two and a half hours to get us. Let us have it too, how dumb we were, how badly it could have ended, how disappointed he was in me. That last one hurt the most.

He told us all that you can’t run away from small problems and you shouldn’t run away from the big ones. Told us our secret was safe with him this time, but next time he’d not be so nice. I never forgot his disappointment that day.

**********

At sixteen, I made an off handed comment about the AC not working great in my bedroom. I came home the next day from school and he was installing a ceiling fan in my bedroom. My mom just shook her head at me and said, I wish I had someone who would drop everything for me like this.

*********

From him, I get my love of good red wine, fresh seafood and great salsa; the joy of storytelling, reading a good book, the love of movies and the ability to cut a person down with my words. That last one, he could have kept.

**********

He told me stories about flying in the Korean war. He told me about growing up with his brother Paul, how Paul never matured past the age of three, even though he lived to be twenty-seven. He told me about the mistakes he made in parenting when my dad and his siblings were kids. He told me about working as a radio guy back in the early sixties. Told me about his granddad, who took them (his daughter and grandchildren: my grandpa and his baby brother Paul who were six and one at the time) and escaped Poland right before it was invaded by the Germans. He told me how much I reminded him of his mom; my great-grandma Annie.

************

The best compliment I ever got in my life was from him. I can’t share it, it’s too sentimental, but I never forgot it and I never will.

***********

He was a grouchy old guy, but he always had time for me. When email was new, he and I both had an email account. I used to get emails that had “Yippee, Squeee, Happy” as the subject. That was how much he loved email. It was a joyous event for him each time.

***********

He’s a grouchy, pain in the ass curmudgeon and I’m never speaking to him again, I said to my dad on the phone. I was 18 years old and had just had the worst lunch date in my life with Grandpa. I’d told him that Logan and I were getting married and he spent the next half hour telling me how I shouldn’t do that, I’d forever regret it; before I finally got up and left the restaurant.

I called him an old fool as I left and told him he was not welcome at my wedding. And Daddy, I mean it, he’s not welcome. I was seething as I said this to my dad.

Oh you don’t mean that, honey. You are angry, you have every right to be angry, but you have to see his side of view.

No, I can’t. He’s wrong about me and he’s wrong about Logan. I am not mom, Logan is not you. We won’t wake up and regret this one day. If I’m wrong and we do, then whatever.

I know that and you know that, but grandpa doesn’t. Time will change things. Don’t worry about it Melissa, he’ll come around.

I am not rushing into this. I love this man, he is my soul mate.

I know. I support you in this and one day your grandfather will too. Just remember you are his first grandchild and the only granddaughter. (At the time this was true, although two years later, my Aunt and Uncle gave him is sixth grandchild, the second granddaughter.) To him, you are like his child. One that he did right by. One that he didn’t make the mistakes with that he made with us.

Dad, you are my father, not him.

Dad just sighed and tried to calm me down. He swore it’d go away, that in a few days I’d forget it.

I never did though. The things he said and the things I said changed our relationship from that day forward. He didn’t know me like I thought he did, if he’d say those things to me. I always loved him, but our relationship was never the same. I never really let him know me again.

************

Then came the call. July 2003. Grandpa’s been in an accident, my brother said. In those words my heart stopped for an instant. He was coming home from Aunt K’s and he got hit by a semi-truck. He’s in the middle of nowhere Oregon. Dad is on his way up there now.

The semi didn’t kill him. He got so lucky that day. A few broken ribs, a dislocated shoulder and some bruising from the seat belt. But the scans they did of his abdomen looked off. They thought they saw something in his liver. The doc told him to go home and have his primary care physician do an MRI.

He put it off, going in. He never liked doctors. Didn’t like enclosed spaces, since he’d been hidden in a trunk off and on for days as a child, when they escaped from Poland. Eventually my dad made him go see the doc. Mid-August maybe.

Stage four. Colon cancer. By the time they find colon cancer, it has generally spread to all of your organs. It was in his liver, his pancreas, his lungs. Nothing they could do except send him home with a script for pain meds and the number for hospice. Three to six months if you are lucky.

**********

October 20th was the last time I talked to him. He was doing okay, better than expected. He still got up and left the house every day. Still went to my uncles shop and gave everyone hell. Still went to his favorite restaurants and flirted with the waitresses.

We all had plans for Sunday brunch. We’d started doing it again every week, just like when I was a small kid, since his diagnosis.

Out of the blue, my phone rings. For a second I didn’t realize it was him. The cancer had gotten into his stomach, so he had stomach acid that was damaging his vocal cords and his esophagus. His voice was changed, a strangers voice.

I am so proud of you, of the woman you’ve become, he said. I want you to always know that. To remember this forever, that I’ve always loved you. That I’ve been proud of you since the second you were born. I need you to know that I’m sorry for doubting your and Logan’s love.

I know grandpa, I told him. it’s okay. You don’t have to do this now. I will see you in three days. We can talk then.

I was busy with Morgan in that moment. Trying to get her to stop climbing the walls, to take a nap, something. The day to day stuff with a 22 moth old child.

No Melissa he said, you never know how much time is left. I may be unable to talk by Sunday. I want you to know this now, just in case. I need you to know that I love you and I love Logan and I adore that spitfire of a girl you gave me as a great-grandchild.

Okay then. Well I love you too grandpa I said. I’ve been proud to be your granddaughter my entire life. And Grandpa, I’m sorry too. I was a young fool. Not about marrying Logan, but in thinking that your opinion didn’t matter. In not listening and explaining and instead going all defensive.

I love you baby girl, was the last thing he said.

*******

The next day my uncle found him on the floor of his apartment, unconscious. He never again gained consciousness. The last nine days of his life were spent on a vent in the ICU at UCLA Medical Center. He passed away October 30, 2003.

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I remember all of this and a million other things while eating my dinner. Who knew one smell could bring it all back? The sadness has passed in some ways. Five and a half years does that too you. You are supposed to lose your grandparents, it is the natural progression of life. Doesn’t make it easy when it happens, but you know it is going to happen. He was my first. I’ve lost the other three since then. The sadness of the two I lost last year is too fresh. When I think of them, I only remember the end.

But with him, I remember the laughs. The dates. The movie marathons. The trip to Vegas in his RV, with my dad and brothers when I was five. Week trips to the Grand Canyon. Days spent looking at boats in the Marina, looking at animals at the zoo, exploring Grifith Park. The letters I have from my weeks spent at summer camp; letters full of jokes and stories about home. The man who taught me to tie a cherry string with my tongue at four years old. The curmudgeon who I respected and loved more than most people.

One smell and it all comes back. The smell of a memory.

1. Do you guys comment back to people in your own comment sections? I email people a lot of the time, but some days, I just want to say something like, ha that was funny. Or a big thanks to everyone, on a post like my last one, where I am having trouble finding words to thank everyone individually. (Truly, everyone, thank you. I can’t say more than a heartfelt thank you to each of you.) A lot of times, I don’t have an email address, as blogger doesn’t require one to comment. I read every comment, I love every comment and I appreciate you all for taking the time to respond to me. I just can’t always respond to everyone back. What’s your take on it?

2. Do any of you feel the urge to write a post, just because the one that is currently up is hard and sad and you feel like it needs to be moved down a bit? Is it just me who gets like this? Because I could have nothing to say, but I will come up with something, just to move a post down if the subject is too raw. i.e. today.

3. Blogrolls? Yah or nay? I used to love having one, but now with the BlogHer Ads, I don’t feel like it will ever be seen. Do you like them, do you ever click on them? Would you want to be on mine?

4. BlogHer Ads is a tricky thing. I wanted them for so long. It seemed like the thing to do. I really love BlogHer, I think they’ve done a great thing for this community. They’ve helped to bring so many people together. But the ads will never make me a cent. I didn’t put them up for that, not in the least. But I’m wondering why I have them. Is it a status thing? For a long time, back in the day, it was. If you had them, you were in some type of in crowd. It’s not really like that anymore. All I know is it takes up a big chunk of space on my site and I’m not sure I need, nor want it there anymore. Thoughts?