Jenna also known as Ava’s Mommy wrote today’s guest post. She has some mother in law issues. I am thankful every day, for the awesomeness that is my MIL. More and more, I find that my situation is different. Not everyone is so lucky. Most people complain about their MIL’s. I am the opposite. I spend every time I’m with her, begging her to come live near us.
Anyway, today is about Jenna’s MIL issues, not my lack of them. I am not sure how I “met” Jenna. I believe it was on Twitter. She has become a good friend. Someone honest and caring and nice enough to write a post about me the other day. Serious, the chick has great timing. I was not thinking so highly of myself on Friday….or in general these days…so it was really sweet.
But um Jenna? We can still be friends right? I mean, I super dup heart my MIL. But I’m weird. What do you think? Will you make an exception for me?
*hands friend a bribe box of chocolate*
MIL Issues -
I have a mother-in-law. Now, I realize this is hardly a new concept, and I’m certainly not the only one out there who has issues with her mother-in-law. If nothing else, maybe you’ll nod your head as you are reading this. Or, if you are a lucky person, either without a mother-in-law, or even worse, you actually LIKE yours…well…I think it’s safe to say we can’t be friends, because you’re just sick.
My MIL provides daycare for my 16 month old daughter. For Free. Yes, I know how lucky I am to have that. Trust me, I am very grateful. It also allows me to visit my daughter on my lunch hour, an hour I wouldn’t get to spend with her otherwise. I am very well aware of how good we have it.
And therein lies the rub.
Every generation has a different way of child rearing. My own is different from my MIL’s. I know she doesn’t approve of any of the decisions we’ve made regarding our daughter’s care. She quite often forgets, I think, that this is NOT her daughter, she’s mine. She constantly reminds me, in her “special way” that she spends more time with Ava than I do.
On some things it really doesn’t matter. On others, I feel it matters deeply. Enough so that I feel I have to say something. That’s when the trouble begins. If I dare say, “Please don’t feed my daughter something full of sugar/fat/salt.” or, “Please don’t fling my 6 month old daughter on to the sofa like a throw pillow.” all of a sudden we don’t trust her and maybe she just shouldn’t be taking care of the baby. Plus, we are told how we are ungrateful, because she’s doing this for FREE, you know.
Maybe I’m just crazy, but I don’t see how her taking care of her granddaughter free of charge gives her the right to override my rules regarding my daughter’s care. How much exactly would I have to pay her before she stops making these ridiculous statements? I hate feeling as though I’m being held hostage. She knows that paying for daycare would be a hardship on us right now. And before you start asking, “Well, why have a baby if you can’t afford daycare?”….well, let’s just say that our daughter is what you might call an unplanned blessing. Yet if we dare criticize anything, or suggest a different way of doing something, that’s her trump card. Along with the tears. Oh yes. Did I mention she also turns on the waterworks JUST to make you feel even guiltier? Oh, look, now see what you’ve done? You’ve upset her. *Sigh*
The little things I’ve learned to let slide. But the big things I have to speak up on, and be my daughter’s advocate. I want to start my daughter on a healthy path in life. A better start that what I or my husband had. It’s very important to me that my daughter not end up where I am. Struggling with food and weight loss at 36 years old. I don’t want that for her. So every so often I have to gently remind my MIL that, no our daughter can’t have more cookies, or candy, or that boxed meal with 3 days worth of sodium in it. I’m not rabid about her diet. She gets the occasional cookie, or bite of chocolate. Or even a sip or two of a milkshake. I’m also struggling to make my own diet better so that I set a better example for her. I just don’t want what I work so hard to instill in her be completely ignored when she’s not at my house. I suppose it wouldn’t be so bad if she only was at grandma’s on the occasional weekend. But this is four days a week. Four days a week I have to tiptoe around her feelings and ego, even though she volunteered to keep our daughter. Even though we’ve tried to do many things to show our appreciation.
Awhile ago I said to a friend, I view it like this: “It’s like saying to a kid, here you can have this lollipop, but wait, after every lick I’m going to smack you on the head with it.”
So that’s my MIL troubles. Now you know why I constantly have a red mark on my forehead from banging it into the wall. So send Tylenol and booze, please. Or a five pound box of chocolate.
8 Responses to Guest Post: MIL issues
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My dear I can’t honestly say I know how you feel, although I have seen it time and time again. My mother in law passed away when I was 2 months preg with my daughter, however she was very supportive of me,and very much harder on her son on the way he treated me and my child. She was my advocate.
I am so sorry you have to deal with this on a daily basis. What does your husband have to say. He should be the one dealing with this the most, since it is his mother.
Rather she watches your daughter or not, she has no say in what you chose to do. If my daycare provider pulled that crap I would fire her. I know you don’t have that option, and I totally understand, but she needs to understand too.
Again, I am so sorry you have to deal with MIL like that!!!
I’m sorry you are having issues with your MIL.
Has your husband had a seriouse talk with her.
I really don’t understand how she can be like this. We are all aware of diets today and that healthy is the best way to go. Sounds like she does it on purpose which would be awful because she is just hurting her granddaughter.
I wish I knew how you could resolve this. I would love to talk with her, maybe you need a third party involved. I do think that you are right and she is wrong. My MIL has always lived out of state so I never had issues, thank God! I will pray.
.-= Debby Pucci´s last blog ..THANKSGIVING IN CANADA =-.
Ya, MILs just like to cause trouble. My MIL is always full of “this is how we did it with our children” advice. I’m glad most of the time that she lives far away. My favorite thing she ever said was “I wish I was your mother (meaning me) because then I would have more say”, I couldn’t believe it.
i’m sorry you have to struggle with this. Even though your MIL is offering daycare free of charge does not change the fact that you are Ava’s mom and that means you set the rules. Like it or not.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Treating a Cold During Pregnancy =-.
Strangely, my mom is the diificult grandma for us — and she does the horrible guilt trips, too, so I can’t really address it with her. I am thankful for my MIL because she is a welcome break from my overbearing, opinionated mama. I don’t know what I’d do if she ever offered to babysit (which she doesn’t!).
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..My Baybell =-.
Ugh. Not sure what else to say, except “ugh.” It would be super hard for me to give up primary care of J during the day, no matter what. To KNOW that someone else is undermining my values & discipline would be torture. The fact that it’s your MIL just makes it worse. It also totally sucks when you feel “stuck” in a situation like that. Ugh.
Sending hugs and sympathy….
.-= PsychMamma´s last blog ..Embracing Holland =-.
If you haven’t already, check with your local community college and see if they have a daycare center.
Most do since they are offering credits and that’s how the students get their child care credits.
Typically these daycare’s are VERY affordable. You might need to take a class in order to take advantage but you can take ANY class – photography, swimming, etc…
Also check with small private schools, sometimes they have a small daycare center that is very reasonable. My two nephews went to a very small private school and my great-niece went to their daycare for something like $200 per month! They would have never known about it – it wasn’t something they advertised. I think they did it as a “loss leader” hoping that the daycare kids would end up going to the school in a couple of years.
For me personally, when someone is trying to “hold me hostage”, I take away their ropes!
.-= GreenInOC´s last blog .."Insurance Companies Have A Right To Their American Dream" =-.
oy. i’m lucky that, even though we have our differences, my mother-in-law always follows our wishes when it comes to how we parent our children. she has become one of the people i turn to in times of need. i only wish that for you, jenna. granted, my mother-in-law never watched my kids on a daily basis. i can’t imagine how hard that is.
.-= mommymae´s last blog ..costumes =-.
Oh good lord I think your mother in law is my mother, except unpaid. (My mother is that bad AND we pay her. Not enough, for sure, but we do PAY her.)
That blows. Email me anytime you want to talk. :/ mommy at mommygeekology dot com. i totally get it.
.-= mommygeekology´s last blog ..GTT – Vices =-.