There are moments where breathing in and out seems like a lot of work. I hyperventilate sometimes until I remember that I do know how to breath deeply. In an out, in and out. Two, three, four times before I feel like I will make it.
I have to be constantly reminded that I am doing okay. That I’ve come far in two weeks. That I’ve continued to move forward. That baby steps are better than no steps at all. I sometimes have to be reminded to breath.
This weekend was good. Fun even. Family time, spent in the mountains. Time spent watching silly movies and playing Wii championship games of bowling.
I can’t seem to hang onto it. I can’t seem to stay positive.
This is an improvement, I know. After two solid weeks of barely making it each day. Of crying more than one should cry, of falling more than I thought I could fall. I know two days of peace and fun, was good. An improvement. For two days straight I didn’t think about the things in my face. Two days of eating entire meals, of not throwing away 98% of it; is good. Three solid nights of sleep is good. Thank you Ambien.
But I can’t hold onto it.
Am I doing better than I was last week? Yes. Last week was….the only words I can come up with are soul crushing. Not sure that is right. But that’s how it felt then.
I know I am doing better. I feel a little better than I did. I will continue going to therapy twice a week, until I don’t have to be reminded to breath. To eat. To sleep.
However, it doesn’t feel like enough. I should feel better. I know that is silly, but it’s how I feel. I feel like an over dramatic spaz. I know I’m not. I know what I’m going through, even the feeling like I should get over it, is completely normal.
Problem is, my brain knows it; my heart just isn’t so sure.
I feel broken. I feel unfixable. I feel battered. This feels too big. Too hard. Too much for me to deal with.
I’m scared.
Just by taking that deep breath and refusing to fall down, you’re moving forward. I send you strength, love, and the unwavering belief that you can do this.
Kelly´s last blog ..QOTD: Precious gold
any sleep is good. any food is good. Keep going. hugs and thinking of you. xoxo
I get it. Whooooboy, do I get it. I wish I could offer you more than a shoulder to cry on and cyber-hugs. But you have those. All you need.
Thinking of you. Love ya.
xoxo
avasmommy´s last blog ..Overwhelmed. Failing. Falling.
Keep breathing. You’re making it. It will get better. You are strong. Continue to take care of yourself.
(((HUGS)))
punkinmama´s last blog ..three
You’re moving forward and that’s the most important thing. And we’ll be there, standing behind you to catch you if you fall.
(hugs)
PrincessJenn´s last blog ..You’re An Expert In WHAT Exactly?
So sorry you’re struggling right now. You are not alone. I have so been where you are right now and believe it or not, it will feel better again. I think acknowledging where you are, not where you wish you were is very healthy and healing for you. I am glad that you have some supportive people around you. I am happy to email you if you need someone to talk to. I have been there and when you have young children and everyone wanting a piece of you, it can seem, well impossible some days to do what you have to do. Take care of yourself first. Those are words that I wish I had known earlier in life. Getting sleep when you need it, getting help with the children, getting some space. It all helps. I hope you can find some peace till you feel better and I hope it will happen for you very soon. With hugs and support,
Tricia x
One day at a time my friend. And when that doesn’t work… try one minute at a time.
Kirsten´s last blog ..Dinner. It’s What’s for Dinner
you are not unfixable. right now me and you are kinda on the same page with this. and i’m right here for you. my weekend really changed how i was feeling and put things into perspective. you will be ok. xo
I love you so much. It hurts me that I can fix this for you, with you, whatever.
Someone better figure out teleportation soon or I’m going to start taking names and kicking ass.
Even one day doing better is improvement. You’ll remember how to do this, to breathe. You’ll remember what it’s like to feel normal again. Practice makes perfect, right? Fake it till you make it. Just hang on.
MommyGeekology´s last blog ..Oops, my Geek is showing!
Oh sweetheart….. I really do understand more than you can know. Hang in there. Nothing lasts forever. You will feel better, I promise. Be kind to yourself, you’re a good person. If you want to email?… please do it. Sending you love and hugs x
Sandy´s last blog ..Chemical Cosh
you know that really annoyingly repetitive Ingrid Michelson song “keep breathing?” sometimes all I can do is listen to it over and over and over and over until, for just a little while I can keep breathing without thinking about it.
You’re not an over-dramatic spaz…
Bridget´s last blog ..ReCharge
*hugs* Hope you feel better soon, hun…
Jaden´s last blog ..Three Generations of Spunk
{{{hugs to you}}}
I truly hope breathing becomes easier soon. I wish I had more to offer.
Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..A very fairy birthday party
Oh, honey. The last few paragraphs break my heart. There IS no “should” in this journey. I know it’s easier said than done (god, do I know), but *try* not to beat yourself up for not being where you think you “should” be — it’s only going to set you back. You’re not unfixable, I promise.
When it seems hardest to have faith, remember how many of us believe in you, support you, and are behind you 100%. <3
Chibi Jeebs´s last blog ..Rest in peace, Grandpa
Oh sweetie, I hate to see you feeling like this. Just keep going everyday and eventually you will see the end of this. I know its hard but you are strong and you are loved by all of us. I love you.
i’ll sit on the floor and breathe into a paper bag with you. i’ll hold your hand when you want. i’ll talk to you about my ugly underwear drawer to distract you. and if you just want to listen to another human being breathe, i’ll do that too.
i will be scared with you.
nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..when shit hits the fan
One day at a time, that’s all you can do. Hugs.
Lisa´s last blog ..Parenting When You Have a Cold
UGH I know where you are seems scary and dark. let your children light up your life and your hubs, friends, and family hold youup when you feel weak. I hope you find a peaceful place to put your fears so youcan breath wasy once again. Until then, we are here.
I hope it gets better for you soon. You are in my thoughts and I know you will get better slowly but surely, even if it doesn’t feel like it at this moment. Just keep taking those breaths and putting one foot in front of the other and you will get there. One day it won’t be so hard. I promise.
Two Toddlers and Me´s last blog ..Toddler Talk Tuesday and Fun Photos
Love to you, sweetie. Just know that you have lots of people supporting you…
tracey´s last blog ..An outlet. HA.
(((((Issa))))))) you know if you need me I am only an email or text away.
xoxo
Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..The Post Where I Get Sappy & Sentimental
You don’t need fixing, you are perfect. You do need to breathe though. I’d be wicked pissed if you stopped. Picture yourself surrounded by love and support – you are.
anymommy´s last blog ..Then You Might Really Know What It’s Like
i wish there was more i could do than say “i’m sorry you’re feeling this way & the little bitty baby steps to getting better are important, so don’t discount them.”
keep cycling the O2
mommymae´s last blog ..quickly