How are you doing?

It’s an honest question. A nice one even. One that shows that someone cares and is actually curious how I am. A question you ask your friends when they seem to be having a hard time. I have been asked this, many times in the last three weeks.

I am not always sure how to answer.

How honest an answer do they want, is my first thought. My second is, LIE. Say, you are fine. Say you are doing better. Say today is a great day. They don’t want to hear this crap again.

I’m not sure what is right. What to say, what to leave out. What to gloss over.

Truth? Does anyone even want the truth? I honestly don’t know. I don’t know that you guys do. Sometimes I think I should shut this site down. That I’m just not entertaining enough, I don’t post enough, I’ve been too depressed for too long. I have nothing to say that is positive. Nothing to say except the truth and I don’t know that I should say it.

But this is a blog and it’s my blog, so I’ll give it a shot.

Truths:

-I have panic attacks. Daily. I have had them for a little over three weeks now. They come on for no reason and it literally hurts to breath. I can not explain it any better than that. It is completely debilitating for the 5 – 20 minutes it lasts. I am however, down to one to three a day. Which doesn’t seem great to me, but is better than the eight I was having a day three weeks ago. Or the six a day last week.

-I am going to therapy twice a week. Thursday of last week was the first day I didn’t cry the entire time. This is supposed to be my last week of twice a week. But I’m going to tell her I think I need a few more weeks, before we go to just once a week.

-I am having to take sleeping pills to sleep. To keep nightmares at bay. To help me sleep, so I can maybe function the following day. When I take them, I do sleep. Sometimes I get dumb like Sunday night and think I can skip one. Then I regret it all day. (Not only just because I’m exhausted and people get all yelly.) I don’t function that well right now, so there’s not much hope for functioning without sleep.

-I have managed to eat two to three meals a day for the last four days. This is an improvement. Previously, I hadn’t managed one actual meal a day in three weeks. Actually it’s really been close to six weeks, since prior to this, I’d been sick and hadn’t gotten my appetite back.

-When I look at the big picture, I get overwhelmed. I only see failure. I see nothing good. No progress. I focus on the negative. I am having to be reminded daily, that I am in fact doing better. Making progress. Taking the steps necessary to deal with what I need to deal with. Some moments I believe it. Until I don’t. Then I go back to square one.

-A week ago, my husband made an executive decision. He decided that our son needed to spend his days with my best friend. He is paying her to watch him. Every day, while the girls are in school. Since Kate already has a day care kid and she’s my friend, she is perfectly happy with him spending the day with her. I know this is the right choice. I know this is temporary. Mostly until I stop having panic attacks all the time. But it stings. I feel like a failure as a parent. I hate that Logan felt like he had to make the choice for me. Without me. Harrison however is have the time of his life, playing with his second cousin who is three months older than him. He doesn’t care when I drop him off each morning.

-I watched a movie on Friday night called My Life in Ruins. I laughed for 90 straight minutes. I’d forgotten laughing. Laughing until you cry, because it’s just so dam funny. I’d forgotten what that felt like. I don’t think I’d laughed so much since I was in Vegas, the second weekend of September. I will be buying that movie.

-I have gotten out of bed every single day for three weeks. Even though there are many days in which, I have not wanted too.

-After nearly three weeks of grilled cheese, fast food and french toast for dinner, I have cooked for three days. I will cook tonight as well.

-I feel like I need to recover, to sit for a bit, to veg for an hour, after I leave the house. No matter what I am leaving the house for. It just seems like a lot of work. Surviving right now, seems like a lot of work. It is a lot of work. It’s hard and not especially pretty. But I’m doing it.

So, how am I doing? Meh. Okay. Better in some moments and not others. Good enough?