Today I went to the doctor. I’ve been sick since Sunday; fever, achy, the whole nine yards. I’ve also had lower back pain since Monday morning. I was diagnosed with a massive (or I believe the word she used was impressive) sinus infection, the flu (not the bacon type) and I’ve pinched my sciatic nerve. Oh, and I’m not pregnant.
Yeah.
For two and a half weeks, I thought I might be. But I’m not.
I’m angry. I am so angry right now. Angry at the world. Angry at my body for making me sick and late at the same time, so I confused the two. Angry that it just isn’t easier. Angry that my fucktard of a cousin can keep having kids (each with a different dad, each one dumber and less employable than the last) that she doesn’t want, mostly neglects and lets the government pay for, but that it isn’t easy for me. I am angry at myself for how much I believed in something, just because I want it to be true. Angry.
Mostly though, I’m sad. Very, very sad. Because I wanted to be pregnant, very much so. I wanted it so bad and it hurts. I felt my heart shatter into pieces when my doctor told me. I wanted a baby. I want a baby. I want to be pregnant right now. I would have done anything to change her answer. I cried when I called my husband. I cried when I called my mother. I cried as I called my best friend. I am crying as I write this.
It’s more than just this time though. It’s not that easy. I should be complaining to you all right now about the end of my pregnancy. I should be planning into my holidays the very likelihood of going into labor on Christmas. I should be buying a little stocking and baby’s first Christmas ornament, just in case the baby came a bit early. If I’d not miscarried in April, I’d be so close right now. But it wasn’t meant to be.
It doesn’t matter how many kids you have or don’t have. When you want a baby, when you want to add to your family and you can’t seem to be able too, it’s a horribly empty feeling. When you think you are pregnant for a few weeks and you are so thrilled, only to find out you are not, it is so sad. In fact, it is heartbreaking.
I am heartbroken tonight. Sick and broken.
34 Responses to Because it’s my blog and I’ll cry if I want too.
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Oh sweetie. I’m so sorry. I wish there was something more I could do or say
.-= PrincessJenn´s last blog ..So You’re Not In The Popular Crowd =-.
“It doesn’t matter how many kids you have or don’t have. When you want to have a baby, when you want to add to your family and you can’t seem to be able to, it’s a horribly empty feeling.”
**hugs** I’m sad for you, too. Wish there were reassuring words I could offer…but it’s just a sad empty feeling.
Angi
Oh Issa my heart aches for you friend. It’s not the same…but I feel angry too when my friends or family get pregnant (w/kids they don’t “want”) and my BFF hasn’t. Ever. The sadness is real and it’s heavy and totally natural. First kid or not. I am sending tons of love and support to you. Just try to be strong and keep trying. Oh and take care of you and get better with your massively impressive sinus infection from hell.
Love you HARD. xoxo
I’m so sorry. The whole thing sucks and I do know precisely what you mean about people for whom procreation is so easy and how much it hurts when it isn’t easy for you.
.-= Beth´s last blog ..The Aftermath =-.
Oh sweetie, I’m so sad for you. And with you. I wish you didn’t have that empty feeling in your heart. ((hugs))
.-= Karen Chatters´s last blog ..Piggy’s Everywhere =-.
I am so sorry that you are in pain. I know that pain of wanting a baby so badly. I know that pain of losing a baby. Having been there I know my words provide little comfort but I just wanted you to know you’re in my thoughts.
I know how hard it had to be to write this. You are very strong, brave and wonderful. I don’t have magic words to make it all better but you have my love and friendship. And many many hugs.
.-= Avasmommy´s last blog ..I Will Let This Song Speak For Me. Happy 2 Years, Maddie. =-.
*Hugs* I don’t know, because I haven’t been there, so all I can offer are hugs.
.-= Angela´s last blog ..Reasons this was a great weekend =-.
I am sorry that you are not feeling well. I hope that everything works out for you and you are able to get pregnant. I wish sometimes I could have more but I had tubal after my last and a few weeks back I thought I might be pregnant. I was upset when I found out I wasn’t it. *hugs* to you.
.-= Kel´s last blog ..Remembering My Dad =-.
Wish I was there to help…even if it was just to cry with you. I remember. In my little group of friends, there were 3 of us who got pregnant at the same time. Two of them had babies. I did not. Even though I’ve had a baby since then, as I type this I’m tearing up. I don’t know about anyone else, but I can’t help but keep thinking of how old baby Eli would be now. What he’d be doing. What he’d look like. The sound of his voice. Call me if you want…
.-= Bridget´s last blog ..218 =-.
Love, hugs, and more love. I send you my heart.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Celebrating =-.
I know too well the feeling of wanting it so badly and seeing other people take it for granted. Hugs to you, my friend. I wish I could do something to make the tears go away.
I’m sorry. I totally know where you’re coming from with it being so easy for some people and hard for others. It just does not seem fair.
I’m sorry that you are hurting, friend. I wish there was more I could do or say. Just know that I am here ANYTIME with lots of (((hugs))). Or beer/wine. I could definitely send over beer & wine. And chocolate. Love you!
I’m so sorry. Feeling that kind of sadness on top of feeling sick and miserable is just awful. Feel better, and I wish words and cyber hugs were enough for the hurt
It isn’t fair.
I will never understand why pregnancy doesn’t require some sort of test or licensing.
((hug))
Hugs to you. That is some heavy disappointment and I’m so sorry.
.-= Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..Worry =-.
Oh, sweetie, my heart aches for you. I wish things were different for you. Hugs.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Happy Birthday Maddie =-.
i’m just so sorry again issa. sorry about it all. i know that feeling of thinking you’re pregnant…even if you’re not trying…to hear you’re not is so shattering. you’re right. i’m sorry about april. sorry about being sick. i love you.
Big huge hugs and virtual chicken soup (for the mouth and the soul) xoxo
Oh my dear friend I just want to hop on a plane and hug you. I have bben there and I know how hard it is to want that baby. Just know that I am always there if you want to talk.
.-= But Why Mommy´s last blog ..Not Again =-.
I’m so sorry. I know what it is to want that so badly right now, yet not have it. *sigh* Sending hugs your way.
.-= becky´s last blog ..just in case =-.
It’s OK to be sad… it’s not FUN, but it’s OK.
I hope you feel better real soon, hon.
.-= MommyGeek´s last blog ..Women are Contrary Little Buggers =-.
I’m so sorry, love. Thinking about you. *squish hugs ‘n love*
.-= Chibi Jeebs´s last blog ..Product review: Almay One Coat Mascara =-.
So, so sorry, Sweetie. Crying really is therapeutic, so just let it all out. I wish my magic wand wasn’t broken, and I could fix things & make everything right. I’ve shaken my fist at the heavens plenty of times, and it’s so frustrating when there are no answers. Hugs, hugs, hugs and all my love are headed your way.
.-= PsychMamma´s last blog ..H1N1 Vaccine Info =-.
Are we related? I’d hate to think there are more than one cousin like that out there, and yeah, I’ve got one.
Thinking of you. Hang in there.
.-= J´s last blog ..Friday Again =-.
I’m so very sorry.
.-= GreenInOC´s last blog .."Green" Is The New Red, White & Blue =-.
Oh honey… It really doesn’t matter how many kids you have. You’re right. I’m sorry you’re going through this, especially right now, when it would have been something happy to get you through the inevitable sadness that is in your heart this holiday season.
I’m sending you love…
.-= tracey´s last blog ..Excuses, excuses… =-.
Oh, sweetie, I hurt for you. I am so, so sorry. I wish I could hug you. You know I’m here for you xox
.-= Marinka´s last blog ..I’m Still Toothy! =-.
Love, my dear, lots of it. I’m so sorry.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..First Snow =-.
Hon, I have felt that before and it just plain stinks. If you need me I am only a text away. I am an excellent reader/listener and witty banter and comebacks is my speciality.
much love my friend, much love.
xo
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Flashback Friday-The Glue that held them together =-.
Feeling your pain in this post, and I’m so sorry. I hope things change for you very soon…
I’m so sorry for your anger and your empty feeling. I know how it feels to be where you are and I hope things get better soon for you. I know they will, just keep breathing. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Every breath and every step is one more closer to the place you want to be – you will get there and it will get better.
Hang in there. We are all thinking of you.
.-= 2 Toddlers and Me´s last blog ..Homemade Granola Bars =-.
That is so, so lousy. Tragic. I am so sorry for the dashed hopes. I hope it turns around for you soon!
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Today and always =-.