I’ve sat here with this page open for ten minutes just hoping I could find some words. Any words. Writing normally helps me. It focuses my mind, helps me find my words, but so far, no go. I am having trouble with words right now. I don’t know what I think. I don’t know what to say.
Not to you all, who deserve them, for all of your amazingly sweet comments.
Not to my husband, who I am having trouble talking to at all. When we do talk, all we do is yell, argue and name call.
Not to myself.
This weekend has been horrible. I was wishing for Monday, by noon on Saturday. It hasn’t improved since then. Nothing I have tried to do has worked. Everything I have touched has turned to shit. Every word I have said has been perceived as mean.
This year has just sucked. If I could press a button and make it the week of New Years, I would. Next year just has to be better. It has too. I can’t handle another year like the way this year has been. I am not strong enough to handle another year like this.
When I look at my life, I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know how to make things better. I don’t if I can make things better or if I just need to learn to accept that this is as good as it gets.
What I do kow is that something has to give. Something good has to happen.
I feel so lost right now. I don’t even know what would make things better. I would love to blame this all on not being pregnant, but it’s just not that simple. That’s just the last straw on this year.
I am barely keeping my head above water. I think I’ve lost myself this year. I only hope I can find myself next year.
I shouldn’t publish this. I know. I know it will worry some of you and for that I am sorry. But I’m going to anyway. I need to, for myself. I need you all to know that I will be okay. In two days, maybe a week, I will see something positive and be okay. Right now though, I am not seeing it. I am not seeing the good. I have had a really bad weekend that has made me question everything, including my marriage. And that breaks my heart.
I will be okay. I always am. I have gotten out of bed every day and I will continue too. But I am going to publish this. So that I remember. When that day comes this week, next week or next month; so that I remember how much has changed.
19 Responses to Yet another post I shouldn’t publish
Grab My Button!
I’m a joiner
xoxo
You needed to publish it because it’s helping you sort through things.
Hugs.
.-= Angela´s last blog .. =-.
Oh honey! I wish I could hug you. Sometimes it’s hard to publish this kind of stuff, but I think we’ve all been there. I was so angry at my husband this morning I literally stormed out of the house without even telling my kids I was leaving. I almost slammed the front door on my daughter. The rest of the day was not much better.
Anyway, you don’t have to wait for New Year’s to kiss the crap good bye and start fresh. I know you’ll pull yourself up and move forward, because that’s what we do. And you have a whole internet full of people who love you and are here to listen.
First…this is the year you met me. So dude, totally not all bad.
And sweetie, you are not alone. I don’t know what I’m doing 99% of the time, I still have no clue what I want to be when I grow up, and I’m pretty sure that the fact that I am still married is nothing short of a major miracle (no seriously, I’ve actually packed to move out before).
I don’t know if it will get better. I can’t say that it won’t get worse. But I do know that if you keep on pushing there will be moments…moments of sheer bliss, of pure joy, of stunning clarity. They will be there. I think we just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and hoping that one of those steps will finally get us to where we didn’t know we needed to go.
Life is hard. Being an adult is the most overrated occupation I know. We spend our whole childhood wishing we were grown up so we could do what we want. Oh, if we only knew.
I think more people than you realize feel the same way. I know I do. I so agree with everything Allyson said. Sometimes I think we all get so hung up on looking at the big picture we forget to just enjoy the little things that make life worthwhile. Anyway, I’m done talking out of my ass now. Loves you.
.-= avasmommy´s last blog ..I Will Let This Song Speak For Me. Happy 2 Years, Maddie. =-.
I’m sorry you have so much to handle right now. It sometimes seems like we just can’t get a break, doesn’t it? I can SO relate to that feeling. For me, writing things out always helps. It may not make things better but it eases my stress and helps me gain perspective on my life. Since my car accident my surgeon has INSISTED I “keep writing.” Unfortunately for the people who read 24, that means many of them have had to travel on my recovery journey with me … the ups and the (many) downs. It’s a wonder any of them come back, isn’t it? : ) But it DOES seem to help … so write away. I will never mind reading of anyone’s rough times because it is what links us all in the struggles of life. Sending big hugs your way! XO
I’m so sorry that you are hurting and wish there was more that I could do. I’m here if you need anything.
XOXO
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..Happy Birthday to ME… =-.
Oh sweetie pie. Things will get better. It’s not always so dark. You’ve had darker times, and lighter times, and this is just another shade of gray in life. I promise you that much.
I’m here anytime. You’ve got all my contact info. I’ll check in on you from time to time too m’love. Sometimes it’s just what you need to hear a friendly voice (but if it’s not? Hang up on me. I’m good with that.)
XOXO
.-= MommyGeekology´s last blog ..Women are Contrary Little Buggers =-.
((Hugs))
I’m so sorry that you’ve had such a shit year. I think you’re very brave to post this and to put yourself out there like that. It’s hard to admit when things just suck and we’re at a loss, we don’t know what to do.
I think you should declare 2009 over. I know of many people who’ve had a crap year and would like 2010 to hurry up and arrive. Maybe we should start a movement to just move things along.
Hang in there, things will get better.
.-= Karen Chatters´s last blog ..Rolling with it =-.
i love you. that is all.
.-= Becky´s last blog ..Milestones =-.
These types of posts are so hard to publish. I admire that you did. The fact that you realize it’s something to look back on to remind yourself that things have gotten better shows that you’re far stronger than you give yourself credit for.
.-= Gray Matter Matters´s last blog ..When friendship becomes a family affair =-.
One foot in front of the other, like that cute little penguin in the holiday movie soon to be all over the airwaves. Hang in there. I hope ’10 is a better year for you too.
hugs
Go to the doctor.
I felt exactly like this. EXACTLY.
I went to the doctor and she helped me get better.
I have been there. You can call me anytime.
.-= Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah´s last blog ..As Promised: Questions For You =-.
Sometimes hitting publish is the bravest thing you can do. I applaud you for doing it.
In some ways I know exactly how you feel. This year has been so tough, and it seems like everything I touch turns to shit and everyone I come in contact with gets pissed at me. My husband told me that the stress of things is making me mean and selfish and a bad partner. I couldn’t argue with that at all, but I have no idea how to fix it sometimes. It’s a feeling of helplessness. Of not knowing where to start, how to fix things. To fix me. To fix my mindset.
I think it’s very brave of you to put it out there if for no other reason than to write out your anger and frustrations. You will push through this. Some days will be tougher than others but you’ll find your light at the end of the tunnel.
H
.-= Mo´s last blog ..Time Flies When You’re…Working Your Ass Off =-.
it is hard, I know-but writing will help you-even if its ‘today was another sucktastic day’ (BTW feel free to use sucktastic or craptastic at your liberty, because seriously can you not help but smile when you say it. Go on, try…..
You are so awesome and I am so honored to call you friend.
Much love xo
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Three….How can it Be? =-.
You are wonderful. Glad you posted this.
Good for you, publish what helps you. Do it every day if you need to. I’ll read it. Days late, but you know, it’s not for lack of love.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..In Defense of Honest Discourse =-.