I can look at things from all sides. Generally.
Some days though I have a real hard time seeing the positive in anything. I am not the world is ending type. I don’t believe in the 2012 hype. I don’t believe that California is going to fall into the ocean. I don’t worry about the polar ice caps melting and us all being frozen alive. At least not in my lifetime. I don’t worry about dying for some reason. Probably a good thing too.
No, it’s the smaller things that I worry about. The things that I have no real ability to control. I wouldn’t say I’m a pessimist. I am close though. Maybe a pessimist with optimistic moments?
I am the girl who envisions car crashes. I get nervous when anyone else is driving but me. When I get a phone call from someone I haven’t talked to in forever, I assume the worst. I have this weird theory that if I think about all the possibilities, it won’t happen. I think about possible injuries before I even do something. I picture in my mind how I will deal with it. I don’t worry about things as I am doing them, just before.
What can I say? I’m an over thinker. I think about conversations that are going to be awkward, before they happen. I think abut everything the other person could say and how I could respond to make it easier. Doesn’t always work, but I try.
I am the mom who doesn’t watch her kids climb on playground equipment, because if I watch I envision the worst. I sit there on my phone, or watch other kids. I am the mom who holds onto her kids shirts on mountain adventures. If I am holding their shirt, they won’t fall off the cliff that is 35 feet away. I *may* be a bit of a control freak.
Climb a mountain? No. Dive off a high dive? Heck no. Sky dive? ARE YOU INSANE!!!
The thing is, despite this, I enjoy life. I do. I have fun. I am not afraid to try new things. I just know that there are certain things I will never do. This won’t make sense, but I’d love to para sail, even though I’m afraid of heights, but I’d never even consider bungee jumping.
Where this really comes into play is when something happens, where I have no control, I freak first, think later.
Last week and for the few weeks prior my husband and I were having major communication issues. All we did was fight. He couldn’t seem to talk to me without starting an argument. As time wore on, I was convinced it was me. I was convinced he didn’t love me anymore. That he wanted to divorce me.
Like I said, I freak first, think later.
The truth is so far from what I thought. Unfortunately this is where I stop talking about it. I know that sounds like a cop out and for that I’m sorry. But my husbands personal issues are his story to tell, not mine and he doesn’t want them shared on here. He’s okay though, just having some issues that he needs to figure out. He didn’t know how to talk to me about it, which just made it seem so much worse.
I wanted to apologize to you all. I am sorry if I worried all of you. I am a freaker. I am a pessimist. I was scared. I thought something and it clouded my world for a few days. It turned out to be not true. Although, since I’m not a mind reader (my crystal ball seems to be defective) it was hard to know what the heck was going on. Thank god it wasn’t what I thought. What we have to deal with, what is going on with Logan is fixable. Deal-able.
I couldn’t have fixed what I thought was the problem. I couldn’t have fixed him not loving me anymore. Luckily I don’t have to try.
Glad everything is OK. I wish Logan the best in dealing with whatever it is he needs to face.
Issa Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 9:53 am
@Kirsten, Thank you friend.
“…I have this weird theory that if I think about all the possibilities, it won’t happen…”
And I thought I was the only one with that theory. I could have written this post
Karen´s last blog ..Aim Higher Universe
Issa Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 9:53 am
@Karen, No, sadly, I think neither of us are alone in this. It seems to be a problem a few others have.
I love optimistic moments!
Kelly´s last blog ..GTT: Not-so-hot hotties
Sometimes it’s hardest to talk to those we love the most.
I’m glad to hear that things aren’t as bad as they seemed. I totally do the same thing you do, totally over think things and then I end up being totally wrong.
My husband gets all mad at me when I don’t tell him what I’m thinking. But then sometimes he expects me to use my crystal ball to know what he’s thinking. Loser.
Karen Chatters´s last blog ..Birthday Shananigans
Issa Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 9:54 am
@Karen Chatters, I am telling you, those crystal balls are so unpredictable.
I’m glad it’s not as bad as you thought. I hope he works through his issues easily. We all have them and it’s not always something easily shared.
Sending you love.
tracey´s last blog ..Can you feel it Mr. Crabs? Can you feel it? *
Issa Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 9:55 am
@tracey, Yeah. I think he thought I had too much to deal with already. But he let it sit way too long.
Love you.
I am always fearful on the nights that Darin picks Ava up from his mom’s house. Like if I’m not there with them, something bad will happen. It’s not like there is anymore likelihood, or I could prevent it, but I don’t breathe easy until I hear that garage door go up.
avasmommy´s last blog ..Mom
Issa Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 9:57 am
@avasmommy, I do this too, in so many ways. I don’t even know why, I just do.
I can so relate to this post. I definitely agree that you can still be optimistic despite the pessimistic thoughts prior. Great post. Thank you for writing it. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who does all of the above.
Issa Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 9:57 am
@Carey, I feel that way too. It was nice to have people say, hey you aren’t the only one.
I am just so relieved that it is A)Not what you thought it was and B)Something you feel you can deal with. You don’t owe us an apology, but I do appreciate what you have said so we worry a little less about you.
Much love,
Vix
Vixen´s last blog ..Life is rather like a tin of sardines – we’re all of us looking for the key
Issa Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 9:58 am
@Vixen, Me too. I am sooooo glad. That’s why I said it. I know I don’t owe you guys it, but in some ways I do. Explanations are good.
Have been away from the internet and thinking about you.
Huge sigh of relief now. Hugs.
Oh and two more things:
1. If part of California falls off into the ocean, I will likely have beachfront property. Worse things have happened.
2. I believe BB messenger allows you to type the words “Not getting divorce…will ’splain later (or even never).” Just saying.
Issa Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 10:06 am
@Allyson, Sent you loonnnnngggg email. However, if California falls into the ocean and you get beach front property, I may come live with you. Just sayin.
I think I’m an optimist, with pessimistic moments…maybe that’s why we heart each other!
Kari´s last blog ..words to live by
Issa Reply:
November 30th, 2009 at 10:07 am
@Kari, Because we even each other out?
I love that I known an optimist…even if I sooo don’t get it.