Parenting has always come naturally to me. Not to say that it’s easy, because it isn’t. It’s always come naturally though. I can tell by looking at my children how their day went. I know what type of mood they are in by the tantrum they are having or how whiny they are. I can see the second Morgan’s ADHD meds stop working in the evening. I can tell how much sugar Bailey has had, by the way she asks for things. I can tell in the morning by breakfast, if they are going to get along that day, or if they are going to fight all day. I know when they are sick by the look in their eyes.
I was pretty good at the baby stages. I knew each of the kids hungry cry within days of them being born. I can rock a baby to sleep in minutes. I don’t stress when my kids cry, unless it’s obvious they are in pain. I can catch vomit with the best of them and I don’t freak out at blood.
Parenting is easy for me, most days. It’s not for some people, but it has been so far for me.
Marriage used to be easy. Our marriage used to be easy. Not even pre-kids, because we weren’t married too long before adding a baby into the mix. Just in general. We never had to work that hard at it. We met as teens, we married before we’d even finished a year of College. We’ve always been good at communicating. It came so easy.
Somehow in the last year, our marriage became a lot of work. I am not sure when exactly it happened. I think I blinked and I missed it actually. Maybe both of us did. We didn’t catch it before it became a problem. We didn’t realize it needed work until just recently. Like today. Maybe yesterday.
We have been going along like everything was fine, when something had shifted. I am pretty sure we didn’t even realize how much it had shifted. We just kept doing what we have always done.
What we have always done isn’t working right now. We have forgotten how to communicate. All we do is argue. We name call. We point fingers. We don’t listen, neither one of us.
It’s not easy anymore.
I am hurting, he is hurting and somehow we have to figure out how to communicate again.
Today he left without a word, before the kids and I had gotten up. He left early to not have to talk to me. He’d spent the night, he has spent the last week actually, in the guest room. I told myself it was because I had the flu, but it wasn’t really and I knew it. He left early this morning and didn’t see the kids, to avoid me.
When we talked a bit ago, we just started arguing again. Then I just stopped. I took a deep breath and listened to what he was actually saying to me. I don’t remember the last time I did that. It’s been weeks, this I know for a fact. I told him when he was done talking that we can’t keep going on like this. He asked what I wanted to do and I said, I think we need to see someone. It shouldn’t be this hard to talk. We’ve forgotten how to talk to each other. We talk at each other, not to each other and it’s not getting us anywhere. Maybe if we see someone, we can relearn how to talk to each other. He agreed.
One small step. It’s a start. I hope it’s in enough time. I’m scared that it may not be. Mostly I’m just scared.
If I never have another baby, I will be okay. I’d love too, but I’d be okay. If I spend the next five years figuring out what I want to do with my life, I will be okay. But I won’t be okay if I let him go without trying to fix this. Whatever that means. He is worth however much work this is going to be to fix.
I don’t normally talk about Logan on here. It’s just something I don’t do. However he doesn’t read it and this is my space, so I may for awhile. I need to hold myself accountable for my actions. I need to have room to grieve, to hope, to write.
I hope you are all okay with that.
You all are amazing. I need you to know that. Your words and thoughts in my last two posts have kept me going. I can not begin to thank you enough.
It really freaks me out sometimes how parallel our lives are. I have been/still am where you are. I get it. I know how scary it is to admit that you need help fixing your marriage. That you need help in just talking to your partner. I hope it works. I will be pulling for you.
And? It’s your space, babe. You need to use it however you see fit.
Loves you. xoxo
avasmommy´s last blog ..I Will Let This Song Speak For Me. Happy 2 Years, Maddie.
As Ava’s Mommy said, it’s your blog to use as you need: never apologize for that.
It would seem that recognizing there is something that needs work is the first step, and being ready, willing, and able to do something about it is a HUGE second step.
You’re all in my thoughts, love. *big, fat, huge hugs*
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First, don’t apologize or ask permission for what to write here, this is your space, we come here to read what you write because we care what you have to say, no matter what you write about.
I’ve been where you are, still am kind of. Things just got away from me in my marriage, I didn’t pay enough attention. I’m working on it, we are working on it. That’s the thing about relationships they need work, even the ones that seem like they don’t. I hope you guys find your way back to each other, back to the relationship you had. I’ll be pulling for you.
Hugs.
Lisa´s last blog ..Thermometers, So Many Choices
You’re so right, it shouldn’t be this hard. You meet, fall in love, get married, start a family and live happily ever after. But then one day you wake up and you’re all, “who the heck are you?” We work and raise kids and run a home and occasionally take care of ourselves and juggle more than any magician on the planet and we take our marriages for granted. We think, “we’ll be fine, we’ll catch up later” and next thing you know, it’s years later and oops.
I’m glad that you guys are recognizing that there are things you can do to make this work. To try to get back to the good times and good feelings. Marriage is not easy. It’s not. We spend all these years trying to keep our kids alive and our heads on and sometimes we feel like that should be enough.
Keep talking. Talk to one another. Talk to your real friends. Ask for help when you need it. And then listen. Listen to Logan. Hear what he has to say and what he’s going through. It’s going to take work but whatever happens, you’re not alone.
Karen Chatters´s last blog ..Rolling with it
My husband and I had problems for awhile too. We were on two different pages all the time. We just could not see one another’s point of view. It was devastating and frustrating. Like you guys, we recognized there was a problem and we both agreed to try to listen to the other person. It’s still difficult somedays, but it’s working and it’s good again most days. We went through a lot in the beginning of our marriage and I think it all caught up to us. That along with being together for the time we have, maybe these things just pop up in all marriages at some point.
I want to thank you for your honesty. When I was struggling with my similar issues, I would have loved to read that someone else was in the same boat. It wouldn’t have felt so lonely. So just think, that maybe your posts are helping someone else along with allowing you to vent some difficult thoughts and feelings.
If you are interested, there is an award waiting for you on my blog. It’s the Honest Scrap award. I think you, of all people, deserve it. Congrats.
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I just want to say that I let mine get too far gone. It’s all worth it…every painful step. Fight for it, because the alternative is much much harder. I wish you peace and love.
xoxo
that is all.
Bridget´s last blog ..Mouthwatering Monday: Cinnamon Roll-Ups
Marriage is hard, especially when life wraps up all around and makes it hard to see the other person–You are so smart to ask for help and I’m so glad he will go with you for that help.
Most marriages go through phases like this. I am not sure if you find that reassuring. We just did. We are coming out the other side now. The important thing is that you are ready to work on it.
The important thing is that, while its hard, you’ve got two people willing to try. Keep that in mind. Its good that you’re both looking forward.
In the meantime, post whatever you need to. I’m here to listen, bud-day.
The Grown Up Teenager´s last blog ..Remember
Most, all, marriages have their ups and downs. You will get through this and we are here for you. Sometimes its someone on the outside looking in that knows exactly what to say or how to help. I’m always here if you need ANYTHING!!!
XOXO
AmazingGreis´s last blog ..Happy Birthday to ME…
You are doing the right thing fighting for what you want. I am sorry that you are going through such a rough time. I will hold you in my prayers. Keep writing about it. You have tons of support here.
stephanie´s last blog ..Halloween 2009
It’s amazing the breakthroughs you can make sitting on someone else’s ugly old flowered couch. And it’s okay to need that couch and the person it comes with in order to remember who you are married to and why.
I hope this one gigantic small step is the first on a journey forward to good things.
Sending you love!
Kirsten´s last blog ..Sunday’s Simple Pleasures XV
Wishing you the best.
Your honesty and courage are inspiring.
Good luck. Although I don’t know you, I believe that you will find your way over this rough patch of road.
kootnygirl´s last blog ..new year’s resolution
i think seeing someone is exactly what you need to do. and just putting it out there is a start. i know y’all will be ok. you just need to find your way back. and talking to someone will get you there xo.
Issa,
Sweetie. I’m sorry. I understand, all too well, and it’s scary to be where you are. I think the key to overcoming this gap you guys are experiencing is to completely throw away all pride and resentment. To bare all of yourselves to each other again. Good luck, hon. It’s never easy being an adult, is it?
tracey´s last blog ..On stilling my own waters…
i’m so sorry that it has become so hard. i know exactly what you mean, though. i’m here reading and thinking of you and hoping to hell you guys work this through together.
mommymae´s last blog ..of giveaways and such
See, all you need to do is read these comments to realize that so many of us have been where you are. And good for you for taking that breath. For listening. For making a concrete suggestion and taking action.
My best advice (not that you asked) is to see someone, but NOT rehash the past. It’s done. Make a decision to start fresh, from who you both are today, not when you were kids. I wrote about it once: http://graymatter-matters.blogspot.com/2009/08/untying-knot.html
Keep posting. xo B.
Gray Matter Matters´s last blog ..You say Oedipus Rex, I say Oedipus Rocks!
My husband and I have gone through that. We let life and all the drama and turmoil get in the way and forgot that we were supposed to be on the same team. I finally shut my mouth and listened to what he had to say, and although I didn’t like it at all, he wasn’t wrong. So we agreed to just take it easier on each other and listen to what the other one has to say. Things are so much better after taking those small steps.
You’ve taken the first step, and as long as you’re both willing to work through it together, you’ll come out happier and stronger together.
xo
Mo´s last blog ..Time Flies When You’re…Working Your Ass Off
Love you.
anymommy´s last blog ..In Defense of Honest Discourse
But it is that hard sometimes.
Wait – you think parenting is easy?
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah´s last blog ..Like Mother, Like Daughter
It is hard. All of it.
I don’t think it’s a small step – I think you are taking a big one.
marty´s last blog ..For Anissa
Don’t take this the wrong way, but I am so touched and PROUD of you, that you realized something was wrong and then stepped up and not only wanted to find a way to fix it, but admitted your own fault in it, too. That’s so hard. I think you guys will be just fine. If you can keep on with the attitude of “fix it” and not just hold an angry grudge… well damn that’s the first and biggest step to keeping things good or getting back to good. Love you Issa.
MommyGeek´s last blog ..Women are Contrary Little Buggers
Wanted you to know I am thinking about you. Holding you close in my heart and hugging you invisibly with the force of a thousand burning suns.
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