Of everything, that may have been the one that broke my heart the most. Harder than sitting my babies down last night and explaining that daddy was going to live at cousin Ray’s house for a while. Maybe for a long while. That they’ll still see him, but most likely will never live here again. Harder than watching Bailey shut down. Harder than listening to Morgan scream and rage at me for half an hour, until I finally carried her and put her in bed. Harder than laying in her bed and eventually sitting outside her door listening to her sob, until she finally fell asleep.
Is it still real mommy, whispered to me at 2am, may have been the worst. I pulled her into bed with me and whispered the words that I knew she didn’t want to hear, yes baby, it’s still real. She laid there with me, cuddling and crying for about an hour and then went back to her bed. It’s too crowded in here she said. Yes, it was crowded, since her little sister and brother were already in the bed. Mostly though, she needed her space. I get it, but I wish it wasn’t like this.
It is though. Reality has set in and I don’t like it. My girls don’t like it. One is raging at me, angry, so very angry. Wanting me to fix it, wanting daddy to actually show up, so she can yell at him too. The other is shutting down and I’m helpless to stop it. Harrison, thankfully has no clue what is going on. Yet. One day, he will.
Their father and I have wrecked their world. We’ve inflicted pain on them; pain that they shouldn’t have to deal with at five and eight years old. Too much pain. I would do anything to take it back. To make their world innocent again. I can’t. I can’t make this go away. I wish I could, but it’s not possible.
I never wanted this for them. I know this pain. I know how horrible it is. Yet here I am, doing the same thing to them that I swore I’d never do.
Last night, I changed them forever. No matter what, I can’t change that. I just hope they end up okay. I just hope I can explain things to them in the right way, things that I don’t fully understand. This knocked our world out from under us. I pray that I am strong enough to rebuild it in the way they need me too. That I can do this better than my parents did.
That I can remember that this is about them now, not me.
Because yes, it is still real.
44 Responses to Is it still real?
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Issa, I am so sorry that your babies are hurting on top of all the hurt that you are dealing with yourself. You are a strong woman and a fabulous mother…you will get through this.
Hugs and love mama.
xoxoxo
.-= ali (adil320)´s last blog ..2009 beeshes =-.
xoxoxo, my friend. Be strong.
Oh sweetie. I don’t know what to say… The ‘hard stuff’ tag has never seemed more appropriate. I’m holding your hand and offering my shoulder from across the miles. And you will make it through. And so will they. PROMISE. You are an amazing parent…
(((Hugs)))
Life really sucks sometimes, but they have you & you all will get through this.
xo
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Her Acoustic Christmas =-.
issa, you’re a great mom and really, they’ll be ok. they will. of course they’re upset now but they WILL bounce back. You’re a great mom to them and i think you explained it the best way you could. it’s new to you too. you and the kids will learn together. xoxoxox
.-= becky´s last blog ..Gone Rogue =-.
Oh, iss…love you, girl!
hugs to you and the kids.
.-= Bridget´s last blog ..High Hopes for 2010 =-.
It’s hard now, but I have no doubt that you and the kids will all pull through. It will take time but this too shall pass. I’m here if you need anything!!! (((hugs))) XOXO
Oh honey, I’m sorry. The kids will be ok. Of course it sucks, but plenty of kids have lived through their parents’ separation before. If you and your husband can find a way to work together for the kids’ sake, they will be beyond fine.
I hate that this is real for you, though. Hang in there. xoxo
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..The New Year’s Meme =-.
(((hugs))) to you and your girls. I can’t imagine going through what you’re dealing with. But you will make it. And so will they.
.-= punkinmama´s last blog ..ch-ch-ch-changes =-.
Your love for them is obvious. Just hang in there and know your love will get them through.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..New Year’s Eve =-.
You are strong enough Issa. Stronger than you know, and just when you think you can’t do it anymore, you will find more strength inside of you. It’s there.
.-= Kari´s last blog ..Resolved =-.
I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine how hard this must be. As long as the kids know you both still love them and that it isn’t their fault, they’ll be okay. Hang in there. You’ll get through this.
xoxo
.-= Mo´s last blog ..2009 Can Suck It…2010 Can Bring It =-.
Oh, Issa, what a night. Be strong and know that the kids will be okay. It’ll be tough at first but they’ll get through it thanks to having a great mom like you. Just be there for them and love them, that’s all you can do.
I remember when my mom and dad split up. It sucked, but I made it through. I yelled, I cried, I withdrew, but in the end, when I was a little older I realized it was all for the best.
Love and hugs momma. You will all get through this.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Prenatal Screenings =-.
My heart aches for you all. I don’t know what to say. Thoughts and prayers goes out to you all.
.-= J from Ireland´s last blog ..Christmas Preparations =-.
I wish I had more to give than virtual hugs. xoxoxoxo
Issa… I’m so sorry, babe. Remember that it’s not YOUR fault any more than it’s THEIR fault. It just is what it is. Maybe things COULD have been different had you had the ability to see the future, but none of us can do that. I am positive that you all WILL come out of this okay. It may suck horribly for a long time, but you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You can do this.
Love you, hon. Take care.
.-= Tracey´s last blog ..The Power of a Pair of Socks… =-.
I’m not going to try to give you words of wisdom, but I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be, on you and your kids.
.-= C @ Kid Things´s last blog ..New Year, Same Story =-.
You are an amazing mother. They’ll be ok. XO.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..Split Personality =-.
xo
Issa, I’m SO sorry that you’re having to go through this, to start your new year out with such pain and sadness. What a horrible thing to have to go through.
It may seem, at times, that you aren’t doing the right thing but, you are. In the long (long, long) run, doing this now is going to be the best thing, not only for you, but for your children as well. No matter what the outcome between you and your husband. The kids will be ok, it just doesn’t seem like it now. And so will you.
((Hugs))
.-= Karen Chatters´s last blog ..2010, Day 4 =-.
They WILL be OK, but they need their dad to go through it with them, too. I don’t know the circumstances, but he also needs to be involved.
My parents split when I was in 1st grade – and because of the way they handled it, I felt like I got the best of everything they had to offer, rather than losing everything. It was hard, at first, because change is… well, CHANGE. But it CAN be handled well, and they CAN survive – they WILL survive, and be BETTER for it. To see both of you happy, when the time finally comes.
.-= Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..One Choice =-.
I’ll cry with you, and for you…or whatever you need..when you get to the point where YOU can function.
#WOWUBNA
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Expectations =-.
i’m so sorry for the pain. i wish i could do more for you and your kiddos.
.-= mommymae´s last blog ..i can’t not engage, but i really don’t wanna =-.
You’re right…things won’t ever be the same for them. But they WILL be okay. It will take time, but they will be.
Just keep swimming.
And cue tears. Now I feel like an uber douche for replying flippantly to your facebook status update. Foot, mouth.
I’m sorry sweetheart. I’m glad you have the support of your family in this, I know you’ll need them in the days ahead. You’ll need us, too, and we’ll be here for you. Every time. I promise.
You know how to reach me. I’m only a phone call away.
.-= MommyGeekology´s last blog ..Looking back and diving in. =-.
This is so hard. seeing your children hurt is the worst. But it’s better, always better, than lying to them. They know that you are there for them. They know that you will guide them through this and being able to count on that is what children need.
.-= Marinka´s last blog ..Bathroom Intimacy =-.
I am so sorry. For you and the kids. I wish you all the best.
I am so, so sorry.
.-= Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah´s last blog ..Ain’t Nothing But a Twin Thing =-.
they are probably scared that daddy being out of the house means they may not see him anymore. i am so sorry for all of this. more sorry that i had NO idea any of this was even going on. you have to have been dealing with this for some time. and um wait, does this mean a move back to SO CAL is in order??!?
.-= jennster´s last blog ..teach me how to relax =-.
Issa Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 11:35 am
@jennster, Nope, sorry honey. I sorta wish. But I can’t do that.
I’m not sure I can say anything else that hasn’t been said above. My heart is breaking for you and them. What a hard, horrible thing for everyone.
The one thing I’m convinced of? It’s the love that matters in the end. The love will get you through this and your love will hold you all together. It just doesn’t feel like it right now.
Hugs, hugs and more hugs. Sending much love and wishes for peace for you all.
.-= PsychMamma´s last blog ..Easy Christmas Gift Idea =-.
I wish I could fly out there and give you a gigantic hug right now. You are amazing and you will pull them through. I just know it.
Love you!
.-= Kirsten´s last blog ..At least we’ll have the museums all to ourselves tomorrow, right? =-.
Nothing but lovin and hugging over here, lady. I’m here if you need a buddy.
XOXOX <3
.-= The Grown Up Teenager´s last blog ..Happy New Year =-.
I’m so sorry, sweetie. Going through this myself was hard enough but I cannot imagine doing it with children. I remember as a kid though, when this happened to me. It took some time to adjust but eventually we were okay…I hope your wee ones are too.
.-= Hilly´s last blog ..Your Life Burns Faster… =-.
Baby girl, they will survive. It’s a matter of getting used to a new normal. As long as you two put them first, like you always have, they will get through this.
Yes, it sucks. Yes it’s not the optimum situation. But it is the hand you have been given. You do the best you can with the knowledge and tools you have. That is all anyone can ask of you. You will all get through it…together.
love you.
.-= avasmommy´s last blog ..Happy Christmahanukwanzaka =-.
I’m so sorry Issa. I don’t know what else to say but I’m here if you need someone to listen. xoxo
I’m so very sorry for you and them.
Oh my sweetness. I’m sorry.
.-= Miss Grace´s last blog ..Weekly Winners – 1/3/10 =-.
Oh Issa, I’m so sorry—tears for you. And I’m sorry you had to have that conversation with them alone—that must’ve been so, so, so hard. I hope your new normal will be a good change for your family and please know there are so many of us who are wrapping you in a big virtual hug. Hang in there.
.-= Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..Never too late to start school over =-.
I am so sorry Issa that you and your girls have to go through this. You are a great mother, and with you by their side you will all make it through it.
I’m here is you need to talk or email. My thoughts and prayers are with your family.
Issa, thanks for the comment over at my place. I have tears in my eyes right now for you and your girls, and because the pain hits so very close to home.
You are not alone. You’re in my thoughts.
I am so sorry sweetie for you and for your kids. Just love them and hold them tight when they need it. If you need a friend I’m always here.
.-= But Why Mommy´s last blog ..Happy in the New Year =-.
((hugs))
I haven’t read the other comments, but I’m wondering why he wasn’t there with you to tell them? No fair for you to take all the blame…
Issa Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 11:37 am
@Alissa, Because he’s a wuss. Because he wouldn’t tell me when he was capable of showing up to do it. Because I just couldn’t lie to them until he pulls himself together enough to do it. So I did it alone. He will see them tonight for the first time.