I have always been good at faking it. Faking being fine. Faking having fun. Faking, faking, faking. I am gifted at it. It’s a life long thing for me. I am so great at it, that sometimes? Sometimes I even fool myself. It was how I got through childhood. It was easier for me to be like that then to deal with my emotions. I was the good kid. Invisible when need be. The voice of reason. The peace maker. The responsible one. Always.
The problem is, I am tired of faking it. It’s too much work. Way more energy then I have right now. I am struggling to just make it. To make sure my kids make it. To get out of bed each day. I have nothing left.
I get up every day and do what I need to do. I take care of myself. I take care of my kids. My house is mostly clean, the laundry is done, the dog is fed and well cared for and there are meals made each day. I have showered each day. I have been and will keep going to therapy. I swear, I am taking my meds. I haven’t fallen of any cliffs.
But I’m tired of faking it.
You want to know the truth? The truth is my husband says he hasn’t loved me in over a year and a half. Our son isn’t even that old yet. I thought he needed space, time, to grow up or something. I was going to suggest he move out for a few weeks. He has already brought up divorce.
The truth is, I had to tell my girls about this myself, because he couldn’t be bothered to find a time to do so. He thought I’d just lie to them about where he was, until he made time for it. While it might have been easier, it wasn’t the right thing to do. Telling them, helping them deal, giving them space to rage and cry and be angry, is the right thing to do.
The truth is, I don’t have it in me to read posts, to comment, to play on Twitter or even really to play bejeweled. Instead of that? I spent half the day making a ‘Best Of’ page on this blog. Not that it was really any easier to read old happy posts of my own either. But that’s what I did today.
The truth is that I’m overwhelmed. That I started crying last Friday night at Liz’s house and haven’t fully stopped since then. I know I CAN do this. I know I WILL do this. But it’s scary. And big. And hard.
Somehow I have to learn to deal with the fact that the life I’ve had since I was fourteen years old, the life I had with him is over. My life, my kids life isn’t over. But that life, that true love that I had, or thought I had, is over.
All that’s left is my pain and my inability to fake it. Sadly, that is one of his main issues with me. I guess I have become to real. Too real for him. So here we are. This is my new life. That’s my truths and I just can’t fake it anymore.
The truth is that I’m heart broken. My heart is crushed. Gone. I can’t fake otherwise. Instead? I’m going to try to deal with it. To be sad. To grieve. To try to rebuild my broken heart. Because that seems somehow easier than faking it.
62 Responses to Faking it no longer works for me
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I think your a faker the same reason I’m a faker. The more I fake, the less I risk. I always thought that if I fake it, I’m less likely to get hurt. Like building a “fake” wall around the real me. I learned the hard way not so long ago that it doesn’t work like that.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m hurting for you, with you. Please know you don’t have to be fake with me.
xoxo
.-= Bridget´s last blog ..High Hopes for 2010 =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:03 am
@Bridget, Sometimes I think the wall around me is too big. Is unbreakable.
Love you friend. Am trying hard not to be fake. Is scary. Hopefully I’ll get better at it one of these days.
I am so sorry. My heart is heavy with your sorrow. I will pray for you. If I could do more you know that I would.
((HUGS))
Oh honey. I just so wish we lived closer so I could bring you some lasagna and some brownies and we could sit and chat. Don’t fake it. Sometimes it’s easier in the short term, but you need to grieve and feel your feelings so you and your kids can move forward without a weight on your shoulders.
Thinking of you with lots of love in my heart.
.-= Kirsten´s last blog ..Eight hours and fifteen minutes is not enough =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:04 am
@Kirsten, Am trying friend. Am trying hard. And honestly? It sucks.
Love you tons. Wishing for brownies right now.
You will survive this. the fact that he said that to you makes my blood boil. Seems like there is a level of respect and common freaking decency that he is missing.
you know that you get to lose it right? You get to freak out, throw things, cut his face out of pictures, curse and scream and yell. You’re allowed to lose it. Screw faking it.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this, but I’m glad you are done faking it. I think facing it gets easier than faking it, when the faking just becomes too big. I am here if you need anything. My inbox and ear are always open.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:07 am
@Molly, Truth? He waited an entire year, because he’s a wuss. But also, because he didn’t think I could handle it. He waited that long, in hopes that it wasn’t true. That he’d get over it. Shrug. Doesn’t make it easier, but is the truth.
Am freaking out. Promise.
Thank you for the comment.
All I want to do is gather you up in my arms and hug you while you cry. I understand very well about faking it. But after 47 years I realized that sometimes when I think I am faking it for others, that I really am that way. No matter how bad it gets I will always survive and try to find some silver lining. Whether there is one or not. I know you will survive too. And maybe even come out the other side in a better place (there I go again, looking for gilding, sorry).
Just know that I/we are here for you. Always and a day.
.-= Vixen´s last blog ..New Year, Same Shit =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:10 am
@Vixen, I’ve always thought I was that way too. Hopefully I’ll get back to it soon.
Thank you.
I wish you *and* Kirsten lived closer so she could bring over lasagna and brownies and I could invite myself over with a bottle (or six) of wine and we could all chat. Because lasagna, brownies, wine, and friends sound very real and very helpful.
.-= Allyson @ The Joy Circus´s last blog ..Something wicked this way comes* =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:11 am
@Allyson @ The Joy Circus, Ditto friend. Ditto.
Sigh. We need to find a way to somehow all meet up somewhere. Not at BH, just somewhere, sometime.
Can I punch him in the junk? Seriously? Dammit. I’m so sorry you had to hear that. It’s one thing to suspect it: it’s another thing entirely to have it so callously confirmed.
I’m proud of you for turning off the faking. As Molly said, you don’t have to fake it anymore. Right now, you have to – need to – do what’s best for you and going to get you through this.
We’re all here for you, all rooting for you, no matter what. Don’t forget that. <3
.-= Chibi Jeebs´s last blog ..Just don’t turn my crank =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:12 am
@Chibi Jeebs, It’s almost better that I know. Because now? I know there is no hope and I can work on rebuilding my life. Last week and the week before when I still had a smidge of hope? It was almost like being in limbo.
I hear you. I just ended my 9y marriage/13y relationship because I could no longer stand faking it every single bloody day. It was exhausting. Yes, this is scary too, but at least I can be honest about it. I feel terrified yet free. Sad, and angry, but strong and liberated. I’ll be thinking of you, you are soooo not alone. Big love. Kel (@feistykel)
.-= FeistyKel´s last blog ..110 in 2010 =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:13 am
@FeistyKel, Oh honey, I’m sorry. It is exhausting. So very tiring. At the same time though? I don’t exactly know how to be without it…or him.
I just wanna hug you. I’m sorry it hurts so much
.-= mommymae´s last blog ..oh, maw maw betty: a series of posts highlighting old family photos and the stories they tell =-.
I wish I could make it better. I know how tiring faking it can be. Nothing but hugs and love for you, I.
xoxo
.-= heather…´s last blog ..Nine =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:14 am
@heather…, Thank you sweetheart. Tons of hugs for you too.
I am here, Issa. I’m so sorry he’s hurt you like this. You can’t control him, but you are, it seems like, anyway, facing what you have to face. Do what helps you, don’t do anything else.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..Secret Garden =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:15 am
@anymommy, Am trying love. I won’t lie, it’s hard. I know you’ll get this…I don’t really know how to be without him. But I guess I get to figure it out.
I just want to send you all my love and support. I spend much of my life faking it for the same reasons. It is so much easier to fake than show my real emotions and explain why I feel that way. I also hate confrontation so I avoid it by always being “fine” with everything. I just hope you can take in all the love, hugs and support we are giving you and be strong and do what it is YOU need to do.
.-= Sara´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:16 am
@Sara, Me too Sara. I’ve spent my whole life being the yes girl.
Hugs to you my friend.
I am so sad for you. Heartbreaking. As for faking, I have to fake a lot of times I am around my inlaws and even my own family. There has been so much shit, its safer to fake and stick a smile on my face. I’m so sorry for you loss,the loss of this love.
.-= J from Ireland´s last blog ..Send out the old, bring in the new…year that is! =-.
I’m glad you’re not faking right now. You have every right to take the time you need to feel these emotions and work your way through them in your own time. You are strong and amazing. Don’t ever forget that. Issa, you’re a wonderful Mom and a beautiful person, and if he has chosen not to stay on your journey with you… I know you will find a way to make your NEW journey an incredible one, too. Hugs to you babe… My thoughts are with you. If you need anything that I can possibly help with, please let me know.
=-.
.-= Jaden´s last blog ..Catching Up! Halloween 2009
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:16 am
@Jaden, Thank you so much Jaden. This comment made me smile.
Jaden Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:17 am
@Issa, I’m so happy that it did
You deserve a smile right about now!
I’m so sorry you’re hurting and all I want to do is give you a big hug. I’ve been a faker my whole life too. I try to be real when I can because faking it can be hard, but a lot of the time I just fake that everything is okay because it is easier than admitting to the crap that exists in my past, in my family.
Love and hugs friend.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Fun Activities for Those Long Winter Days =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:17 am
@Lisa, Sometimes I find, people like the fake me better than the real me. In fact, a lot of people do.
((hugs))
Ditto what they said. We’re here for you!
.-= Headless Mom´s last blog ..Wednesday’s Dinner =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:17 am
@Headless Mom, Thank you sweetie.
i’m glad you’re taking this step. i think you need to grieve and really feel it to move on. you are going to be ok with him. actually, you will be great w/o him in time. and the kids are lucky to have you.
.-= becky´s last blog ..Only in my dreams =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:18 am
@becky, One day friend…I know you are right and one day, I’ll believe it.
Love you bunches.
That f’ing sucks. No other words – just f’ing sucks. Glad you are not faking it anymore. I love you girl!
.-= Kari´s last blog ..Resolved =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:19 am
@Kari, It does love. I agree. It all sucks.
I think you’re going to learn a lot about yourself in learning to give up the faking and becoming the real you. I hate that this has happened to you and your family, that you and your lovely children are going through this.
.-= J´s last blog ..The Road Home =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:19 am
@J, Thank you Julie.
I’m so sorry things are heading in this direction for you, but not faking it any longer is so great. It sucks pretty hard right now but you’re going to come out of this better and stronger. You’ll be a better example for you kids because they’ll know they shouldn’t fake it either.
Hang in there.
xoxo
.-= Mo´s last blog ..Dress to Excess =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:22 am
@Mo, That is the thing. I see it in my middle one. The people pleaser. And this is hard on her. Harder on her than the other two i think. It scares me.
i am so sorry issa. sorry that you are dealing with someone telling you they don’t love you anymore. and you have a baby.. and kids you have to parent and explain the tough stuff too alone. but they are lucky to have you, and you are lucky to have them. they will NEED you during this time.. and you’ll probably find that they are your freaking salvation.
i’m just so sorry for your broken heart.. i wish that on no one and i’m really ufcking pissed he made you move from so cal to colorado.
.-= jennster´s last blog ..dear taco bell =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:23 am
@jennster, Me too babe. Me too.
But I agreed. And now? I can’t take it back. I can’t go back.
I remember when I was getting divorced, I wanted to sit in my house, in the dark and cry. This time is hard, it’s so hard, but the grief and tears are necessary. It may not seem like it now, but this will pass and you will feel better. You did the right thing in being honest with your kids and now with yourself.
I would give you HUGE hugs if I could.
.-= Karen Chatters´s last blog ..It’s my blog and I’ll babble if I want to =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:24 am
@Karen Chatters, Thank you for telling me that. Because some days, it’s hard to see how it will ever feel better.
I’m faking it on my blog right now. Things are as shitty as they ever were. Every day I want to write my “here’s the truth” post that is itching at my fingertips.
I hurt for you, I hurt with you. Hugs and more hugs.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:25 am
@Diapers and Wine, Oh honey, I’m so sorry. Sometimes, this is the only place that I don’t fake it. This place, as depressing as it may be, gets the real me.
Huge hugs to you too.
Hugs to you. I’m so sorry he had to say those words to you. Take your time—-I wish there was more I could do to help you right now. . .for now, please know that I’m thinking of you and holding you close as you build up your new normal.
.-= Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..Half a childhood =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:27 am
@Fairly Odd Mother, Thank you friend. Truly, thank you.
Oh, Issa, I’m SOOO sorry to hear what you’re going through. I know how hard it is, how painful, how impossible it seems. I’m still dealing with the break up of my marriage – the only difference being that *I* was the one to end it. The reason I ended it was the same, though. I just couldn’t fake it anymore. I know it hurts like hell, but I’m slowly finding bits of sunshine here and there. It will get easier, I promise.
If you want to talk/IM/scream/cry/vent, you have my email address. One day (and sometimes you have to break it down to hours or minutes) at a time is the ONLY way to do it.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..it’s 3am I must be lonely =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:31 am
@Kelly, I’m sorry for you too. Gah, it just sucks, doesn’t it?
the figuring out who I am without him? May take a long time.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I cannot imagine how rough it is. I am sorry it took me so long to read this.
You were there for me a while ago – if you need anything, yell.
xoxo
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:38 am
@Margaret, Thank you M. It’s okay, am not one to complain about people reading. You should see all that is in my reader.
I’m sorry. Faking it takes way too much energy. The thing is – you deserve better. Your kids deserve better. As bleak as things may feel right now …. I feel confident, with enough time – you will all HAVE better. In the meantime, you know we are all here for you in any way you need.
.-= Twenty Four At Heart´s last blog ..So Ready For The Weekend! =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:38 am
@Twenty Four At Heart, Thank you Suzanne. I know everyone is right. Is harder to feel it…but I’ll get there. One day.
You know, I just don’t get it. Whatever he feels or thinks he feels about you, he needs to man up and deal with his kids.
.-= Emily´s last blog ..Mudroom =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:39 am
@Emily, He has been. Took him a few days, but he has been. No matter what, he is a pretty good dad…if not a bit of a wussy one.
I’m so sad for your family. I suppose the grace is that you have this blog and its built-in support system to help you remain strong and brave.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Confessions =-.
I totally know how hard faking it can be. I use to fake it all the time, but you can not truly be you until you are REAL with yourself. I know it’s hard, but you will get through this. We are all here for you, please don’t be afraid to reach out. I’m a phone call away if you need me. XOXO
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..HORNS up… =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:40 am
@AmazingGreis, Am still basically hiding friend. But I will get better at talking soon.
Love you.
sweetie, i know how you feel. you know i do. and i’m glad you’re done faking it. that doesn’t help anyone help you. no one can help you if they feel like you’re already ok.
hugs. love you.
alissa
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:40 am
@Alissa, True. Am working on that one.
Love you friend.
Sending you my love, babe.
.-= Tracey´s last blog ..Confession Time =-.
Hi Issa – I’m here via Emily @ Wheels on the Bus. Although I don’t know you (yet) and I haven’t gone through a divorce, I do so, so know that sock-in-the-gut pain you’re talking about. I know that betrayal that takes your breath away.
I can only tell you that it does get easier, with time. That doesn’t make this any better, I know, butperhaps it may give you something to hold on to as you work your way through this. I hope you take time to care for yourself and grieve, too, the same as you are taking care of your children.
I am thinking of you.
.-= Coco´s last blog ..My Life, In One Act =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:41 am
@Coco, Thank you. For visiting, for commenting and for the sweet words.