I keep thinking that I should be doing better by now. That somehow I should be able to make myself feel better, be less sad, stop feeling as if my life has completely crumbled. I am constantly reminded by others that it is okay. Okay to be sad, okay to cry, okay to grieve. It’s okay. It’s not been long. It’s really only been two weeks. Tomorrow.
It’s only been 6 days since I realized this is permanent. I didn’t know that for sure until then. Six days. I lost all hope that day. Not sure why I still had some, but I did. Six days isn’t long, it’s not even a full week.
I wanted today to be the day that I stopped crying the second my kids go to bed. Or the second I drop them off with their father. The day that I stopped wanting to cry all day. The day that I’d start feeling like I may be capable of doing this.
I wanted today to be the day that I didn’t dread my day from the second I woke up. The day that I could see something good in my future. I wanted today to be the day that I answered all of the sweet emails and comments from all of you.
I wanted today to be the day I started actually reading posts again and engaging on Twitter. Doing more than opening and closing Facebook. Emailing people again.
Today is not that day. I am just not there yet.
Instead, this is what I know I can do for today:
Today I will remind myself that it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to not be okay. That there is no timeline on grief.
I will remind myself this afternoon, when my kids go to their dad, that they need him as much as they need me. That I will get used to this new schedule. That they will be home for bed.
Today I will rejoice in the fact that Bailey ate an entire donut and drank an entire glass of milk for breakfast, instead of worrying about the fact that she hasn’t eaten in a week. I will remind myself that she’s five and it’s been a week. They’ve only known for a week. That as long as she eats something, she will be okay.
I will call and un-enroll Harrison in toddler class. The last thing he needs right now is more change.
I will make more blueberry cobbler, because it made Morgan happy.
Today I will send you over to the Babble Top 50 Mommy Blogger list, which someone added me onto. Whoever did that, I adore you. To each of you who voted for me, I adore you too. Now, will you all do me a favor? Please go over and vote for Mamaspohr. Please. For me? Thanks.
Today I will thank each of you right here and now, for your sweet emails and comments. For offers to talk, for sending me your phone numbers. For text messages, Tweets and DM’s. Truly, you have no idea how much it means to me. I’ve read it all. I just haven’t found the energy to respond yet. Just know, you have made me feel so supported and loved and that is priceless.
Today, I will be realistic in my goals for myself.
42 Responses to Trying to be realistic isn’t easy
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Still thinking about you and sending all my love from afar. <3
.-= Chibi Jeebs´s last blog ..Just don’t turn my crank =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:44 am
@Chibi Jeebs, thank you sweetie.
you are constantly on my mind love. xo
.-= becky´s last blog ..A Haunted Blogiversary =-.
*Hugs*
I’m so sorry.
You’re doing fine; you’ll be okay and yes, cry – be kind to yourself.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:45 am
@pgoodness, Thank you. Keep trying to remind myself that it’s okay.
Promise though, I’ve got the crying thing down. Ha.
Hugs, honey.
.-= VDog´s last blog ..Weekly Winners: My Boy is Three! =-.
Yay for donuts and chocolate milk and blueberry cobbler!
You can do this… CAN. And I will remind you again and again. And again. Time will one day be your friend once more. Love you. And I’ve got the handrail, ok?
.-= Liz´s last blog ..Top of the Food Chain =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:46 am
@Liz, You have been friend. You have. And one day? I promise to believe you.
Are you holding firmly onto the handrail?
It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be sad. You’re going to have to reimagine your whole life and that’s super-scary and can cause lots of emotions. Allow yourself to feel them and don’t be worried about the time it takes to process.
You can do this.
.-= Beth´s last blog ..B90Days: Reading the Bible in 90 Days =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:47 am
@Beth, I have to somehow figure out who I am again. And at nearly 30? That’s dam scary.
Beth Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:53 am
@Issa, I know. I was 32 when our marriage exploded. Trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted nearly killed me (literally). It was rough and not fun, but I did come out of it with a stronger sense of myself and what I’m made of.
You can do it. Just be gentle and patient with yourself.
.-= Beth´s last blog ..10 Books I Can’t Wait to Read with my Daughter =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 12:04 pm
@Beth, It feels like it is slowly killing me. But I keep telling myself, if I do this now…then in a year, i won’t have too. In a year, maybe I will know how to be happy.
When I was in the same place you are now, I didn’t know how I could get through each hour let alone day without crying. It was only when I reached out to old friends, new friends, church, and strangers who I now treasure as friends (hi twitter!), that I finally began to get a sense of ME again. And love myself.
So, yes take the time to cry. Grieve. Scream if you must. And when you want to, all of us out here in the world will lift you up. Big hugs to you. You can always DM me or email me or call if you need to talk. xoxo
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:52 am
@Lex – @laprimera, I don’t Lex. I don’t know how to do this most of the time. I feel like the biggest spaz ever. But the crying thing? I’m almost getting good at that. Friend, I’ve been with him since i was 14 years old. I don’t even know who I am without him.
Six days is not that long. Ease up on yourself. Don’t set deadlines for when you *should* feel better. You’ll get there when you get there.
Big hugs to you, hon. Take care of yourself. xoxo
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..on the prowl (for a job) =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:56 am
@cindy w, Have always been hard on myself.
There is no timeline for stuff like this, there is no “normal”, there is only what you need. So, in case you forget to remind yourself, it is okay to cry, it is okay to not be okay, it is okay to be sad.
Take care of yourself and remember there are a lot of people out here for you if you need us. Thinking about you often.
Love and hugs.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Snowmen =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 11:59 am
@Lisa, Thank you Lisa.
Sending you hugs. Wishing I had words that would help you. Hoping this is all a distant memory as soon as humanly possible.
I’m also thinking of you, every minute.
And I did vote for mamaspohr…after I voted for you
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..Ten Reasons I Haven’t Posted Serious Stuff Like I Said I Would =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 12:01 pm
@anymommy, You can vote for two people?
Thank you friend. Love you.
There is no timeline. Just know you are loved. (((hugs)))
Thinking of you today and tomorrow and next week (even!). XOXO
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..HORNS up… =-.
One breath at a time. One step at a time. One moment at a time. That’s all you have to focus on. Look ahead, but focus on the present. One day you’ll look up and realize it’s been a year. And you are ok. The kids are ok. Just like we told you.
You will have good days. you will have worse days. But you can get through them. You WILL get through them.
Always here. Love you.
.-= avasmommy´s last blog ..My 2010 =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 12:02 pm
@avasmommy, I said that to someone the other day. That if I cry and deal now, even though it sucks and feels like it’s killing me…that next year? I will be a different person. I just hope it’s true.
All I can tell you is that I wished my parents had gotten divorced instead of sticking together “for the kids.” You are showing your children that you deserve a good life and that you deserve to be loved.
Keep your chin up!
It’s ok to cry and be sad. I’m just so sorry you have to go through all this pain. May each day look a little brighter to you.
.-= Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..Hug first, ask questions later =-.
Everyone has said what I would have. Hugs. xoxo
You will overcome, with time. The problem with time is no matter the situation it seems to take too long or it is too short. There is no schedule for grief, you know. It is individual for each person. So you just do the best you can each day and eventually you will be okay. Maybe different than you were, but okay.
Hugs.
.-= Vixen´s last blog ..Oh, Oh, Oh. I Think I’m Getting The Hang Of This Unemployment Stuff =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 12:10 pm
@Vixen, No time line. I keep reminding myself that. There is no written down time line for grief.
Oh girl, you cry it out! You get it out and deal with it. Show the girls it’s ok to cry and deal with it.
You CAN and WILL do this (better than your parents) and make it just fine.
We are all here holding you up.
xoxo
Hang in there and be good to yourself. Don’t expect too much too soon. Love you.
.-= Marinka´s last blog ..Better =-.
Much love to you! No matter how you feel, you ARE strong and you WILL make it. Thinking about you often. Hugs.
It’s been a year and I’m still not OK. 6 days would be a miracle! Hang in there. I can promise you it does get better. Right now it’s going to be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s there.
*heart* you.
.-= Alissa´s last blog ..Protected: You Could Just Say Thank You, You Know… =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 12:08 pm
@Alissa, I know sweets. I know. I can tell. Sigh.
Love you so much. Wish we lived close. Wish I wasn’t such a spaz and emailed more. Will work on that soon.
Cry cry cry. It may make you look puffy but it will make you feel better, not ok but better.
.-= Karen Chatters´s last blog ..Where does the time go? =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 12:07 pm
@Karen Chatters, You should have seen my tweet this morning. Ha. My eyes are a mess. The crying? Am good at it, I am finding. Never used to cry. Now it’s all I seem to do.
Definitely more cobbler.
Hugs, my friend.
.-= Allyson´s last blog ..Birthday wishes =-.
Issa Reply:
January 12th, 2010 at 12:11 pm
@Allyson, Yes cobbler. Didn’t make it. Need more blueberries. Sigh.
Thinking of you too my lovely friend.
Loving you
.-= Kari´s last blog ..There may or may not be a dead bird in my car =-.
it really IS okay to not be OK.
hugs.
Lots of people love you my sister from another same named father….and that’s what you need. lots of love.
And time. You need time.
and a hug.
I’ll go vote. more. heh.
Cuz’ you iz teh awesome!
.-= Heather´s last blog ..New Beginnings =-.