She says this to me last night, like it’s supposed to mean something to me. Like it should somehow be comforting. Have faith. My mom knows better, but she says it anyway.
It doesn’t comfort me. In reality, it annoys me.
I don’t. I don’t have faith. I don’t see how saying that in a situation is very helpful. I don’t see why bad things keep happening to good people. How I’m supposed to have faith that it will just somehow turn out okay. How I’m supposed to believe that there is some grander plan. How I’m not supposed to just think that it all sucks and life is unfair.
Why can criminals and crackheads have babies that they will just abuse and neglect and eventually leave broken for someone else to deal with, but good, honest, hard working, caring people can’t seem to have a baby to save their life?
How does praying for something, like people surviving the earthquake in Haiti make any difference? Isn’t it more effective to give money, to give blood, to try and help in some way? Is praying better than sending money for food? Does it feed starving kids? Does it make people stop bleeding or able to climb out of the wreckage? No. It doesn’t. THIS, what my friend Stacey is doing, is something that helps. Something that makes a difference. It may seem small, it may even be small in comparison to the whole picture, but it makes more sense to me that just having faith.
How is it some grander plan, for Heather and Mike to have lost Maddie? They are amazing people. Great people who deserved better. They deserve that baby girl they had last week, so much so. She is a great gift to the world. Beautiful baby Annie. However, they deserved Maddie too. Annie deserved Maddie too. They are good people, who deserved both of those baby girls. THIS, their foundation in Maddie’s name is something concrete that helps.
How does faith help? How does prayer help? Why do people say it like it should help? Doing, acting, helping in concrete ways helps more in my eyes.
How am I supposed to have faith, when Anissa had a major stroke, after spending years fighting with everything in her to save Peyton? It’s not fair. It’s not something that makes sense to me.
Have faith? I’m supposed to have faith that my life will one day make sense? That somehow I will someday find it okay that the only man I’ve ever loved, the man I still love, no longer loves me?
I’m supposed to have faith when my great auntie, the one I told you about earlier this week has to have a double mastectomy on Monday? How is that fair? How is any of it fair? How does having faith help any of that? 92 years old and she should have to deal with this too? It’s not fair. It’s not right. I have no faith. I don’t believe that she did anything to deserve this. I don’t believe that it’s some greater plan.
I do believe in her. I came to that conclusion last night. I don’t have faith. But I believe in my Aunt Bernice. I believe she is strong and stable and one of the greatest women I’ve ever known in my life. I know she will be okay, because she plans on being okay. Because she plans on spoiling her two newest great-grand-children when they are born in March. Because she plans on going on a Disney cruise in Spring 2012. Because she’s stubborn enough for me to believe she will make it. I believe in her. That’s all I’ve got to hold onto in that situation.
The funny thing is, I believe in god. I do. I don’t however, believe that god is some big guy in a chair, dictating what we all do and what happens to each of us. I believe in free will way too much to buy that. I believe that something happens after you die. I don’t however, know what that is. Do I believe in heaven and hell? No, not really. But I don’t believe that you are dead and that’s it. I believe in angels. Might seem silly, but I do.
Besides that though, I don’t know what I believe in. Just blindly having faith that it will be okay? Not something I can do. I will worry every single second between now and next Monday afternoon, when I hear that she came out of surgery okay. Because that is all I can do. That and let her know that I love her. That my kids and I adore her and love her, today and forever.
Have faith, she tells me….well sorry, but I don’t. I can’t. It’s just not that easy for me.
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Faith and prayer are all well and good, but useless if not backed up by action. You’re right, God did give us free will. I don’t believe that he’s up there micro-managing everyone’s lives. I get really fraking irritated at people who sit back and do nothing, willing God to fix their lives. Prayer may not fix everything, but it can’t hurt. As long as one is willing to actually DO something. Ok, I think I’m starting to repeat myself here.
Anyway, I agree with you, I love you and I believe in you.
.-= avasmommy´s last blog ..Don’t Peeve Me Off! =-.
Things are considerably easier for me, being an atheist. But I have to wonder, maybe she wasn’t saying “have faith” so much as she was saying, “keep up the hope.”
Bad things happen to everyone. The rain falls on the just and unjust, or something like that. I think the danger is thinking that someone “deserves” anything. No one deserves anything. We get what we get through hard work, and good genes. Nothing more.
When I was a teenager, I watched a couple I knew lose a baby and I went through years of being angry about it. It seemed so unfair. Like they didn’t deserve it, because they were “good” people. As though that were reason enough.
Nature takes care of things that shouldn’t be. This is why babies die, because they are not strong enough genetically. There are specific scientific reasons why this happens. Accepting THIS idea, and replacing the old “they didn’t deserve it” idea, is what helped my anger to go away.
I don’t encourage you to have faith. I think it’s silly. But I do encourage you to keep up hope; to work hard, and hope that it will pay off.
.-= Melanie´s last blog ..My Mum =-.
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 4:59 pm
@Melanie, Your words, your comment helped me more than I can tell you. Hope. I do have hope. Thank you Melanie.
i believe in faith and i think the Lord tells us to have faith BUT don’t just sit there expecting Him to do all the work. I do know that Anissa and her family are very much into God and faith and I don’t think she would have made it this far w/o some faith. I don’t go around telling people THEY should have faith but I DO tell them that I have faith. i have faith in you. i have faith in all those people who had horrible things happen to them as you mentioned. you’re a good person Issa. i hate that you’ve been through ANY of this. xo
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 4:58 pm
@Becky @TheRealBecks, The thing is, I know they have faith. I know it. Am okay with it. Promise. I have no problem with anyone else’s beliefs..as long as it’s okay that I don’t have it. And i know that it’s okay with you. I do have hope though friend. Maybe in some ways, it’s the same thing?
Ok Issa, I DON’T talk religion much b/c my version is totally effed up. I just want you to know I feel the same way about faith. I KNOW about it and God’s plan and all of that. I am very well educated in Christianity as well as a few other religions (that I like better) but faith and God’s will are probably the top 2 hardest things to ponder.
I agree with Jenna when she says the prayers and faith are all good, but should be backed up with actions. Without putting on a theology lesson in your comments I am just going to say, I hear ya. I know what you are feeling, thining, cursing, and desperately trying to make sense of. NOt only for yourself, but your girls too.
I think what Melanie said is a good way to think of it as “keep up the hope” but that is just as hard, I think.
Faith is very, very complex and so I think you just do what YOU think you can do. Do something physical for your Aunt to show the faith…have everyone make her cards or something.
Bottom line is mama, where you are is very difficult and I wish there was a straight answer here, because god knows faith didn’t stop me form losing my brothers and faith sure as shit isn’t going to bring them back. But donating to their favorite library helps my version of faith, which is everlasting love.
(Hope I made sense. Mason is home from school and sick so I wrote this all tangled up. I could email with you anytime. Love you sugga.)
.-= Lu´s last blog ..The one time my husband’s boss tried to kill him. For real. =-.
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 4:55 pm
@Lu, You did make sense friend. You did. Promise.
Am going to try to change how I think of it in my head. Hope instead of faith. People can say it how they want, but if I can change it in my head, maybe my stubborn-ness will mellow a bit.
I think the idea behind faith is that through hope and prayer, circumstances will align so that you come out of something bad and into something good. Faith is your decision to trudge through your pain knowing it won’t always be there.
However, just sitting around hoping for something doesn’t get you anywhere. You have to stick it out while doing things that will get those circumstances to align. Like, focus on your mental health, create new happy memories with just you and the kids, deal with the anger and sadness of losing your partner, etc.
I believe if you do those things, the pain will fade and you’ll find something good where the pain used to be. If you give up (lose faith that it won’t always be this bad), then that pain will stick to your bones forever.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Flying =-.
Faith is a hard concept. I’m not sure whether I have it. I can look back on my life and know that I have a million things to be grateful for in this moment. But I don’t have faith that tomorrow isn’t going to bring unimaginable tragedy for myself or those I love. I believe that sometimes, things come together in just the right way to make something amazing happen. But I don’t have faith that that will happen. Believe in Aunt Bernice – and believe in yourself. Believe in those gorgeous kids.
.-= Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..Strength =-.
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 4:52 pm
@Andrea’s Sweet Life, I try to remember that it will get better. Also? I am trying to remember to believe in me. Am a work in progress. But I’ll get there, that I do believe.
I want to just copy Andrea’s comment and sign my own name… So, ditto to what she said.
Mostly, I try not to worry about tomorrow too much. (Try and fail frequently.) I figure tomorrow can take care of itself, or at the very least, there is little I can do about it…
Hang in there friend. Am here for you.
.-= Liz´s last blog ..Cheese and Wine. Err… Whine. =-.
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 4:53 pm
@Liz, There is always copy and paste, love. Snort.
I, myself, am not sure about “having faith”, either. I do agree with letting your Aunt know how much you love her, and I wish her all the very best that life has to offer.
I don’t believe that faith has anything to do with deserving good or bad things to happen, I definitely don’t believe it has anything to do with life being fair, and I don’t think faith means believing that God is looking down on us like we’re pawns in his chess game with the devil. To me, having faith means knowing deep inside that when one door closes another will open, even if you have no idea what that door looks like or where it will lead. I love reading cheesy quotes and this one seemed to fit with my point of view on this particular matter:
“When you have come to the edge Of all that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness Of the unknown, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or You will be taught to fly.”
– Patrick Overton
.-= EmmieJ´s last blog ..Your Child, Football, the NFL, and You =-.
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 4:50 pm
@EmmieJ, I don’t find that cheesy at all. in fact, I really like it. :0)
Screw all the happy, fuzzy thoughts…
wanna come join me under my black cloud? It follows me everywhere!?
SMOOCH.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Ramblings…. =-.
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 4:49 pm
@Heather, I swear it follows me too. Dude, we need a big ass umbrella.
Faith is tricky. You want to believe in something and that there is a purpose to everything that is going on. Then bad things happen to yourself, to Anissa, to Mike and Heather and you cannot believe that it happened as part of some plan. How can you have faith when things like that happen?
But that is when you need it the most. Call it faith, a positive attitude, belief or what you will so that you can keep going through the hard times and emerge out the other side.
Just my two cents
.-= But Why Mommy´s last blog ..Once Upon A Time =-.
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 4:47 pm
@But Why Mommy, I love you and your two cents friend.
I vacilate back and forth. Certain things just seem far too cruel. I also don’t think that one religion has all the answers. It irks me to no end when one claims it does. Faith can bring a lot of good and comfort but people get nasty in the name of God. and I’m not talking about the good kind of nasty either. I still don’t know where I stand.
.-= Molly´s last blog ..College =-.
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 4:46 pm
@Molly, Agreed. Fully.
I’m with you, I don’t have faith either. I don’t pray. I don’t understand things. I also don’t believe in God, but can understand how people do. Maybe I’d be better off if I did, maybe not. But when people say, “Pray for so-and-so,” I just can’t. But, give money, time, clothes, food, a roof to so-and-so, and I get that. I can send you good thoughts and love and hope, but I can’t pray, it doesn’t seem like it’s enough. If there is someone looking down on us all, why does he (or she) makes these decisions? I ask these questions all the time and am pretty sure that I’ve alienated some family for it.
I hope at some point, some of the things you’re having to go through may make more sense to you. “Hang in there” doesn’t seem like it’s enough either. But, hang in there, be strong, you’ll come through all this stronger than you ever imagined.
.-= Karen Chatters´s last blog ..Confusion =-.
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 4:45 pm
@Karen Chatters, I definetly hear you on this. I think it makes life seem less like chance to people and that comforts them. It’s okay with me. In some ways, it impresses me. But it also doesn’t work for me.
I give. I do. I help in tangible ways when I can. But I also pray. And while I still haven’t figured out exactly what I *do* believe, I’ve figured out a lot of things that I *don’t* believe. And I don’t believe that God is some high-and-mighty puppet master. And I don’t believe that he(or she, really) causes good things to happen or bad things to happen. And I don’t believe that there’s some big cosmic plan that was set billions of years ago, and we’re all stuck in it now.
But I do believe that talking about something(even if it’s just in a prayer) helps me focus on one person…sending all my concentration, love and care their way. And I will continue to do that for you and your whole family.
.-= Bridget´s last blog ..Every Single Night =-.
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 4:43 pm
@Bridget, Thank you friend.
If it helps you and comforts you, I am glad. Truly. However, I also know that you are a BIG do-er. And that, to me is way more important.
Oh honey, I don’t know what to say. Because I want to say have faith and I don’t want you to be all pissed off at me.
We do what we can. My Grama had a mastectomy at 80. It sucked, but here we are 7 (nearly 8)years later and in actuality it rocked for us. She got to see her 1st born great grandchild. And then a 2nd. And although she had to see the burial of her third, she is going to be here for her fourth!
I don’t have much going for me, but I do what I can. Through twitter I found a site to help Haiti that I donate my time to and we have helped save lives with our Find Hospital section which I am editor of. I rcvd an email 2nite that said “Last night a doctor contacted us to connect to a hospital in Haiti to help them with prosthetic components. This is the type of collaboration your work has accomplished. From the bottom of my heart thank you.” All because I answered a twit asking for volunteers. You/we can do this. I know we can. Just, errrrm, have faith.
.-= Vixen´s last blog ..WW~Peace Out Dude, I’m Anti-Puffing My Eyes Right Now =-.
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 4:40 pm
@Vixen, V? You can tell me to have faith. I have decided that I am going to change how I think about it when someone says it. I have hope. And for me, all stubborn and non-religious as I am, that is big.
I’m glad to hear about your Grama. Truly. That gives me hope.
Also, just know, am thinking great hope-filled thoughts about your tiny roly-poly grandbaby.
I’ve been reading your blog for a little while- can’t remember how I found it but I did. So long story short- you don’t know me, I’m one of those blog stalkers : )
I read your post last night and I simply can not pass the opportunity to leave you a comment.
I’m not climbing onto my bible soapbox, I’m not.
But I do feel that it might comfort you to hear a scripture that has been screaming in my ears since last night. Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you” declares the Lord.
I too believe that free will gets us into some pretty sticky situations, and the Lord as our parent- just like we as parents to small sticky situation getter intoers- wants us to make better decisions. He probably shakes His head daily.
I don’t want to turn you off, because if it is any comfort at all I am praying for you. I pray that the Lord will give you comfort, peace, contentment, and guidance. I know when the world feels too hard to press on, it is His love that makes it possible for me.
I don’t believe it is enough to just believe in God- you have to have FAITH in Him. And it is that faith that makes it possible to live through the bad things that He sometimes asks us to.
By the way- we read some of the same blogs like the Spohrs and the Mayhew’s- small world! Both families with some horrible situations- but lots of faith………
I gave up on religion a long time ago. And in many ways, I feel like I gave up on faith as a result. It seems to me like the two are deeply intertwined. Like having faith means you have to believe in some natural order that doesn’t exist.
So I hold on to hope. I’m not always hopeful. I’m rarely optimistic. But I believe in hope because hope is something that can be lost, that can let you down, that can fail miserably. Hope doesn’t make promises, it doesn’t say life should be fair, it doesn’t care who you are or what you have done. But it’s something to hold on to when things are scary. It’s that ratty old teddy bear you had as a kid that you knew wouldn’t chase the monsters away, but just having that bear in your arms somehow made things better. That maybe, just maybe, you would wake up in the morning and still be in your warm bed in your cozy house with your teddy bear in your arms and the monsters wouldn’t come after all.
The faith, I leave to my mother. The grander plan, if there is such a thing, I leave to that ephemeral force that I can’t see, but I know ties us all together. As for me, I hang on to my ratty, unreliable hope and just keep moving forward. It’s all we can do.
.-= Allyson´s last blog ..Today’s mantra =-.
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 4:37 pm
@Allyson, Love this comment Allyson. Seriously love it. Makes more sense than anything I wrote. Hope that it will one day get better, helps me get out of bed.
Totally agree—-I actually get very uncomfortable when people write about their beliefs at length b/c I feel like they see an alternate reality than me (and I tend to think I’m right, lol). My mom gave my oldest a book about God for her birthday and I wanted to throw it out, but I decided to let her read it and decide for herself. But, I don’t like how she tries to push her religion on my kids.
.-= Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..The lollipop plant miracle that mere mortals can perform =-.