I always say that my life started the day I walked into Freshman English and met him. For me, my life did start that day. Fourteen years old and my life began. I’d never been in love, I’d never even had a boyfriend. He became my entire world in what seemed like moments. We had a group of friends that we did things with, but we were always together. We had a blast together. I knew I loved him, I knew I’d marry him, when I was fourteen years old.
I didn’t move away to go to school. He didn’t get in where I did. I choose him. I never regretted that choice. Why move away from everything I knew when I had no idea what I wanted to be? Why go to the huge school where I’d know no one, when I could go to the school with all of my friends? I don’t say this to blame him. I choose him. Consciously. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about lately.
Not to long after that, I asked him to marry me. He said yes and then asked me six weeks later. I, of course, said yes. We got married the following spring. Nineteen years old. I actually didn’t turn nineteen until we’d been married six weeks. Two and a half years later, Morgan was born. Planned, wanted, adored. Bailey came two and a half years after that. Planned, wanted and adored.
Three years later, we moved here. We followed his dreams. We left everything for his dreams. Again, I made the choice. I could have said no and he’d of gotten over it. But I took a chance.
Then life fell apart. I had a 14 week miscarriage and somehow lost myself. I lost the woman I once was. I’ve managed to rebuild myself. But the new me? Is not carefree. Is not all that easy going. Is different. Damaged in some ways. I have changed. Life changed me. I am not that person anymore. I can’t be that person anymore. She stopped existing on July 26, 2007. I am not the woman he married. Not anymore. Not in a long time.
Somehow in the past few years, I lost more than I realized. Somehow in the past few years, I lost my husband. Even though, until a month ago, he was here next to me. I lost him. He lost me. Maybe we lost each other and I just didn’t realize it. He did, but he waited. He waited to tell me he was done, for eighteen months at least. He waited, because I was pregnant with our son and then, because we had a newborn. He waited because he hoped he was mistaken. He waited to make sure I was okay. He waited because he hoped I’d become that girl again. He wanted that girl I used to be. But I can’t be that for him anymore, because I can’t seem to be that for me.
So, I’m here. Alone. Just me. I get to pick up the pieces. I get to figure out what happens next. I get to learn to share my kids. I get to learn how to be without him.
The problem is? I don’t know where I begin and where he ends. I don’t know how to be without him. I don’t know how to start thinking I and me, instead of we. I don’t know how to do this. How do I do this? How do I move on? How can I stop loving him, the way he stopped loving me? I want to know how to do that. I want to know how, because this is breaking my heart. I am not even sure, I have a heart anymore. I feel like it’s been so broken, it may as well not exist.
Now it’s me. Just me. Me and my kids. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what to do next. I’m just here. Trying to breath. Trying to make it through each day. And it sucks. And it’s not fair. And it hurts. I just want my life back. I want to know where I lost it, so I can go back and get it.
I don’t understand. I want to understand, but I don’t understand.
Oh sweetie I am so sorry you are going through this pain! I have to say, my heart is actually in my throat right now… because it’s almost an exact replica of my life. I, too, met mine at age 14 (8th grade graduation dance) and have been together ever since (I’m now 34). We have 3 kids, and he informed me last week that he no longer loves me. OMG, we are going through such similar crap right now. I do not know how this is going to turn out for me and I just want to tell you that I truly feel what you are going through! Hugs and love from AZ, @1mcmommy
Patty´s last blog ..A shell of who I was and am…
Issa Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 10:27 am
@Patty, Huge hugs to you sweetie.
It just blows. I just don’t know what else to say besides that.
I wish there were easy answers. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make this better for you. When P and I were separated, my mother gave “A Spiritual Divorce” by Debbie Ford. I wasn’t in a place where it was particularly helpful, and I don’t know that you are either, but it does sort of address this issue of separating emotionally as well as physically.
It’s hard work; day to day; moment to moment. You are loved for who you are. I’ve seen that everywhere. Please hold onto that.
Oh, dear heart. I so wish I knew what to say: I wish I had comforting words, words of wisdom, advice. I hate seeing you hurting, and I hate not being able to help – to FIX. I love you so much. I know you can do this, even if I can’t begin to tell you how.
xoxo
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xoxo
Sending you strength as you figure it out. Hugs!
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I so wish I had something to say that would make you feel even just the tiniest bit better. Oh how I wish we lived closer.
Love you my friend.
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Even though it is broken, your heart is still there. You have the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever known in my life. I love you.
Kari´s last blog ..The bird lives
Issa Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 10:28 am
@Kari, Thank you sweetie. That means more to me that I could even tell you.
Issa. I see such bravery, and courage, and heartbreak. I have hope that you will find a version of you again that you can recognize when you see her in the mirror. Just keep breathing, day by day.
Oh my gosh. I met you at blogher last summer, but haven’t been following your blog…I am so sorry to hear about this. I think you’re so brave and strong to write about it here on your blog – and you’re able to articulate how you’re feeling, and what you’re scared of, and that is probably one of the first steps for you. I’m saying a prayer that this becomes easier for you, and you find a way to get through today, and ever after. Hugs.
Oh Issa, I’m so sorry that you’re havin to experience such pain and heartbreak. I know it feels like someone ripped you heart out, ran it over with thr lawn mower and put it back in your body. I know what a terrible feeling that is. I can tell you that it will get easier and someday, your heart will start to mend but deep, deep down you know that.
It’s going to take a while to learn who you are and what it means to be Issa the independent, single woman but I don’t doubt that you’re going to be impressed with who comes out the other side of this. It’s ok that you don’t know who you are, you will.
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Issa Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 10:28 am
@Karen Chatters, I was thinking a mac truck…but I kind of like the lawnmower thing. I may steal it.
you know, issa, hubs and i got together super young too. i was 17. we became adults together too. i don’t know who i am w/o him. i’ve never been an adult w/o him. if he was gone…i’d be feeling this EXACT same way. i pray you find your way. i know you will. but how? i have no idea sweetie because i’d be feeling the same way with the same questions. xo.
That kind of a relationship is hard…so very hard. You guys built your lives around each other, making each the center of the universe…and now the universe has met with a giant meteor, and KABOOM! —now what?
I don’t have any advice. My marriage is constantly vacillating between wonderfulness and horribleness, so I can’t give advice to anyone.
But, I love you. Regardless of whether you think people say it too much and don’t mean it…I mean it.
Heather´s last blog ..Ramblings….
xoxo
Headless Mom´s last blog ..Sky
Sending hugs. Wish I could send a milkshake, but since I am too far away… Think of a milkshake. And hugs.
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XOXO
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I don’t really know what to say but my heart is with you. Much much love to you, dear sweet friend. xoxoxo
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Oh, Issa, I wish I knew what to say. I don’t know what to say. I’m sending you love and hugs and the strength to keep moving forward, to keep breathing, to heal from this heartbreak.
Love and hugs friend, love and hugs.
Lisa´s last blog ..Growing Up Before Our Very Eyes
I font know what to say. I never understand when things like this happen. My sister is on year 2 of her new life. I just don’t get it.
It isn’t fair.
It’s like mashing the red and blue Play Doh together and trying to separate them again. Okay, that’s a terrible analogy, but there’s no way to make a clean break because so much of who you are belongs to him.
I have no advice, but maybe it helps that someone else thinks that this sucks too? And is hoping that it starts to get easier for you.
::Rings doorbell holding two cups of Starbucks (against her will, of course)::
Sigh. There just aren’t words.
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Issa Reply:
January 27th, 2010 at 10:30 am
@Allyson, Starbucks? YAY.
Love you friend.
I’ve come here via Five Star Friday, and your post is pulling at my heart and my tear ducts. I hope you find your way again. Lives can be rebuilt. You can do it by taking it one step, one hour, one day at a time.
Day by day. Inhale/exhale. Really, baby steps.
You love your children, I have no doubt about that: your heart is still there. It just needs time to heal.
I don’t have any answers for you, just hang in there. You and the kids—you will get through this. I wish I had something to help numb the pain that wasn’t addictive. {{{hugs}}}
Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..Lucy
Oh my dear sweet Issa I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I’ve been thinking a lot about you this weekend. I wish you could have been with me just to take your mind off of this.
You heart will heal because you have so many friends willingvtovhold your heart in theirs. I love you dear.
but why mommy´s last blog ..Once Upon A Time
You can call me. Anytime, anytime. I’ll email you my number. I don’t have any answers, but oh, my heart is aching and I want so much to help you. I can’t imagine trying to figure out everything you’re going to have to figure out right now. Just take it one tiny step at a time, though. And know that you will make mistakes and it’s OKAY. It’s ok, hon.
Lots and lots of love for you…
My first marriage ended and I felt some of the same things you did. I didn’t have children, but I said some of the same words you did.
Take it one day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. Sometimes, you have to take it second by second. Eventually, the seconds will become easier and the minutes will be your next challenge.
Some days, something will knock you back to dealing with the seconds, but you will do it. I have faith in you!
I stumbled into your blog yesterday and I was immmediately drawn to you, your writing and your story.
Is it because my son is very close to your age and he recently went through a very traumatic break up with his ‘one and only’ after a 10 year relationship? Or is it because I lost myself within a relationship … lost the relationship, my idea of what I thought my ‘forever’ was going to be … and was on my own once again, a few years ago?
The depression that I felt came in waves, but the hardest thing of all was waking up in the morning and feeling the sadness. I simply wanted to be happy again.
Your statement that your husband wanted the ‘old you’ back struck a cord. I was told exactly the same thing. But how do you find that part of yourself that feels like it is lost forever?
What did I do? I wrote myself through it … and I surrounded myself with good friends (who believed in me more than I believed in myself). Then … I started doing what I call ‘impossible things’. Things that terrified me (but in most people’s reality, were nothing).
I reached out to people so that I wouldn’t keep retreating into myself. I started to dream again. I pursued one small goal (and eventually succeeded). I took baby steps at first, but each small step was a step in a positive direction.
Two and a half years have passed since I sank to the lowest of my lows. And you know what? I may not be the person that I used to be … but I feel happier with this person that dug herself out of the desperation and came out the other side, than the person I used to be.
I know that every circumstance is different. I’m old enough to be your mother. But your words ’spoke’ to me and I just wanted to let you know that even though I don’t know you, I will be quietly cheering you on from my corner of the earth.
My ’story’ in a nutshell is in this blog entry:
http://colleen-lifeasiknowit.blogspot.com/2008/06/10-years.html
By kind to yourself. You deserve it.
I’m so sorry for you. The scary thing is, it really could happen to anyone. What are we supposed to do when there is no ‘thing’, when they just up and stop loving us?
Hang in there. It sounds like you have great kids, great support, and you will get through to the other side, and emerge another person yet.
Issa, I have no words to make you feel better – they simply don’t exist. All I can say is that I get it, completely. I’ve been hiding behind a mask of “this is what I wanted, I’m fine”, while deep down trying to figure out who the hell I am without the man I’ve been with since I was 14 years old. I know that all divorces are painful, believe me. But when you’ve never been an adult without your spouse, when you became adults together, it’s a different set of circumstances. You can’t revert back to being a single person, because you’ve never BEEN that person before. Just know that I’m going through it too – while my breakup was a bit different from yours, your posts leave me in tears, because I can feel your pain…
Kelly´s last blog ..I’m alive…
{hugs} I wish they had road maps for these sort of things. It would be easier to bear if you knew where to go and what to do. A checklist of things to accomplish before you’d be happy again.
I love you. Here if you need me. Always.
MommyGeekology´s last blog ..Pet Peeves {GTT}
I’ve been with my husband since I was 17. I was just a kiddo! People change so.
I’m sorry it didn’t last.
Antropologa´s last blog ..Behavior
Issa, what you are going through is so devastating. And you are doing the only thing you can do…one day at a time. And one day it will hurt a little less, and then a little less after that. But I had a break up that nearly broke me for good. I know what you’re saying, I’ve lived what you’re saying.
I sought psychiatric and pharmaceutical help, and I know for a fact it saved my life. Your heart is broken, but as another commenter beautifully mentioned, you know it’s still there because of the way you love your kids.
I wish he had been strong enough to help you through, but you have more strength than you will ever realize. Keep writing. We’ll be here to hold you up.
Gray Matter Matters´s last blog ..My Mid-Wife Crisis
My heartfelt reaction is that I am so glad you can write about it. I am sorry for the hurt and the pain Issa. I wish for you some clarity, hoping the hurt and unknown begins to fade. I’m thinking of you!!!
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My heart is breaking for you. I am so truly sorry and I wish that there was something that I could do for you. I am so glad that you are able to write about it, share, and get it out – not keep it in. You can email me anytime, I am here for you! XoXo
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Oh sweetie. I wish I had answers. I wish I could make it better. I ache for you.
You are loved. You are adored. Immensely.
Sending love! XO
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I wish there was something I could say to make it better.
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah´s last blog ..Awesome
big fat hug. I wish I had answers to give.
Ooooof.
Oh, Issa.
In a way, I can identify with you. Quitting drinking feels to me like a significant separation. A divorce.
I was feeling bad about how behind I was on your blog but I think I was meant to not read this until today. This is a gift to me, for as much as a struggle as it is for you.
I am so sorry for your pain, but I feel a strength in your words. I can see it.
Love to you, my friend.
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