I feel like I should explain a few things after my post yesterday.
Last week, I hit a new stage of my grief. The, holy shit this is real part. Like forever real. This is not a dream I will wake up from one day. It’s not something that is going to change, or get easier over night. This. Is. Real. (Sorry Marinka, sometimes, a sentence just calls for being separated like that.)
It knocked me flat on my ass. It crippled me honestly. I was crippled by the grief and fear of it for four days. I did nothing except think about it and panic. It kind of scared me. I thought the initial grief was worse, that it’d be no worse than that. This was worse.
Then on Sunday, the clouds parted and unicorns shot down from the….
Okay, I’m kidding. About the unicorns at least. Sounded funny in my head. Truth is, after four days of freaking out, I got tired. I got tired of spazzing out. Tired of questioning everything I do and everything I say. Tired of crying. Tired. Just plain, tired.
So I stopped. I stopped letting my grief control me in that moment. I spent Sunday playing with my kids. I haven’t had a panic attack in a few days. Even though I haven’t slept much the past few nights weeks, I can honestly tell you, I’m doing a little better. Have I freaked out a bit, yes. Obviously. Have I had moments of panic, yes. Especially yesterday when I had to let my kids spend the night with their dad for the first time. But I did okay.
Then I heard that one of the women I care about most in this world is undergoing one of the scariest things I can think of. A double mastectomy is major surgery. It would scare me in someone my age. But my 92 year old great-auntie is not my age. It scares me.
In this moment, I am doing a little better. Do I think I’m done with any of the above? Heck no. This is hard people. This is so hard, that some days, I think it will eat me. Then I have days where I think I may just make it to the other side of this. The last couple of days have been a little better. But there always seems to be something else. Always.
I was not raised in any religion. My father is an atheist. His family was once Jewish, but not since they escaped to America from Poland. My father is first generation America. What’s left of that religion, for our family at least, is certain phrases, curse words and the ability to make latkes. My mother was raised Baptist, but didn’t raise us in that religion. However in times of crisis, she goes back to her roots. She has faith. She prays. She does whatever she does, because it gives her peace of mind. But it’s not like she really has a religion. She doesn’t in fact, believe in organized religion. Whatever, my mom…she’s her own oxymoron.
I however was not raised that way. I was raised in Los Angeles. Our version of religion was bagels and the beach on Sundays. My experiences of church and any bit of actual religion were the three weeks we spent with my grandparents each summer.
I do not have faith. I do not have religion. However, I respect everyone who does. Honest.
Yesterday, I was angry. Yesterday, I was freaked out. Yesterday, I’d spent all night fretting, I hadn’t slept and I posted what I did, because I needed to write. This is my space to vent. My space to put my thoughts out into the world. My therapy.
I wasn’t saying that I don’t believe in the power of prayer, or that I see anything wrong with it. If it came across that way, I truly am sorry. I didn’t mean to offend anyone. Religion in any form is hard to discuss online. There is always someone who will take offense.
But I won’t lie and tell you that I get it.
What I know is this: I have hope. I have hope that I will start feeling better soon. Hey, I’ve done better this week than last, so that’s something at least. I have hope that my great-auntie is strong enough and stubborn enough to survive. I have hope. Not always, not even often in the past few weeks. I always find it eventually though.
I’ll leave the praying up to the rest of the world. I’ll leave the faith, for those of you who have it. When I say I’m thinking of you and hoping for the best, I promise you, I am. Because that’s all I’ve got.
Maybe it’s the same thing, different wording. Maybe I’m just too dam stubborn for my own good. I don’t know. That’s all I know.
Oy, one more thing…
A lot of times you all comment and say, I don’t know what to say. I adore each of you for your comments, support and love. But I want you to know that it’s okay to not know what to say. Most of the time, I don’t know what to say. I’m really bad at returning emails or responding to comments. I start to comment and then delete it before I finish. I flitter in and out of this world right now, depending on my mood. Just know, it’s okay. I won’t tell anyone what to do or not to do, but it’s okay if you don’t know what to say. Promise.
Your mom is alot like me…I was raised in the south, where religion is a way of life. I spent many years going to church, doing what I was supposed to do. Then my eyes got opened. I have faith in a God, but not in organized religion. You can stuff that where the sun doesn’t shine. Sorry, it’s just not for me.
Your emotions are all over the place..it’s normal. We get it. Many of us have been there. Don’t worry about us. We love you no matter what.
avasmommy´s last blog ..Don’t Peeve Me Off!
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 4:31 pm
@avasmommy, Thanks friend.
My mom was raised with religion. However, she was an Air Force brat and lived all over the world, so she also saw that their wasn’t just the Texas, Baptist, middle class white lifestyle. Was good for me.
Delurking to say I’m glad you have hope. If you have hope, you have what you need to get through this. And you do have the strength you admire so much in your Aunt Bernice; it’s just buried deep so you have to dig for it a little, but I see it in you. And with your hope, you’ll find it.
Jenn H.´s last blog ..Cutest Pet Contest
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 4:29 pm
@Jenn H., Thank you Jenn. For delurking and for your kind words.
My two cents (because I’m just so damn opinionated)…
I don’t think you should have to apologize. I’ll come right out and say it…I don’t believe in prayer. After 30 years of being Catholic, I still do it occasionally, but I generally don’t think it works. If there is some higher power sitting somewhere in his throne on a cloud making decisions, what good is my pleading going to do? The decision is his whether I pray or not. And in my experience once someone makes up their mind, it’s not easy to change it. I have a tremendous amount of respect for people whose faith is strong enough to think prayer matters. Sometimes I wish I agreed with them. But at the end of the day, I don’t.
It’s a big scary world that just dumped a pile of crap on top of the pile of crap that you were already buried under. I hope you never feel the need to apologize for how you dig yourself out of the pile.
Allyson´s last blog ..Today’s mantra
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 4:28 pm
@Allyson, Friend? I love you. Thank you.
I agree with what I said the other day and I stand by it. However I did write it when I was in a bad place, so I figured an explaination was needed.
People who believe so deeply impress me. I think that is strong, the power of belief. As long as they are okay with me not believing.
I agree with Allyson on the no apology needed part.
But(you already know this) I do believe in prayer. But like I said yesterday, it may be more of the act of talking about it that means the most to me. Girl, you know I love to talk…and it’s better than talking to the wall, I guess.
Prayers, good thoughts, good vibes, love…whatever you want to call it-I’m sending it. Often.
Bridget´s last blog ..Every Single Night
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 4:24 pm
@Bridget, I adore you Bridget. That is all.
My dear, I am a christian, agreed with some of what you said an yet didnt take any offense to anything else. You shouldn’t have to appologize for saying what you feel in your own space and your own words. I am sorry someone took offense, but honey that’s on them. You re a strong awesome mother going through something extremely hard, I am proud of you for putting it all out there for the world to see. We are here to support you no matter what! Hugs to you and your children my friend. You, your kids and auntie re in my thoughts!
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 4:22 pm
@Laura, I am not sure that it was an apology…more like adding to it? Is my thinking at least. I said what I said and I stand by it. I just maybe could have said it in a different way.
Hope is enough. You are enough.
Kelly´s last blog ..On being beautiful
this is why i love you. xo
Becky @TheRealBecks´s last blog ..To snip or not to snip- that is the question.
i’m sorry you are going through all of this. i wonder what the solution is.. i mean, you are a problem solver- a fixer- so… what is the solution? is there one? i feel just sort of sick in my stomach that you moved there and then this happened. and in reality, your husband should too. the least he can do is move back home to where you have friends and family, right? or am i just totally fucking projecting here?! lol
jennster´s last blog ..we did naughty things to our waiter
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 4:19 pm
@jennster, The thing is friend, I haven’t figured it out yet.
On the moving…eh, it’s a little of both. I’d like to move back, but I can’t. Also, going back to LA wouldn’t really make sense. not money wise, not friend wise. Sometimes going back is all I think about, but I can’t do that to my kids.
I have attempted an answer many times now but I keep filtering…! I however will simply say your questions did not offend me mainly because I have struggled with many of them myself. It is through seeking for these answers I have learned who I am and what I do or don’t stand for. I will be one of the first people who will tell someone IT IS OKAY TO QUESTIONS THINGS!
Oh sweetness, I feel like I missed so much. January seems to be kicking a lot of our asses. Some more than others. Know that I love you & I know that you do. Your thoughts and sparkly rainbow vibes that you send me from CO. are perfect. I know when you say you are thinking of me that you truly are. I know its real. It geniune. Just like you.
I see what you are going through, I know how easily that could have been me. I am not the same girl that Jeremy married all those years ago, I have no idea where she even is anymore. Somedays I miss her, but truthfully I wouldn’t be where I am today if she stuck around. She would have never rode a bus up to Chicago to meet 1400 of her closest friends. She would have never walked around the windy city with her camera taking photos all by herself. She has helped to create me. Most days I am liking who I have become, others….well, you know.
Geez, how did this become a novel. Much love Issa girl, much love.
Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Everything is Going to be Okay
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 4:17 pm
@Domestic Extraordinaire, Friend? You can write novels for me any day.
I think most people change. I mean there is a big difference between 19 and 29. The problem is that I changed and he didn’t. Or we changed in two completely different ways? I don’t know.
Truth? I like who I am now, more than I liked that girl I was.
Just love. Lot and lots of love.
Lu´s last blog ..The one time my husband’s boss tried to kill him. For real.
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 3:11 pm
@Lu, Back at you friend.
What you’re going through is so tough right now and you need to allow yourself time to grieve. You’re going to have shitty days and days that don’t totally suck, but every day will get a little better because you hope it does.
I struggle with the idea of faith. I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic school for 12 years, but I think I missed the day when they taught faith. I have friends who believe strongly and with conviction and to some degree I admire them for it. In fact, sometimes I’m in awe because they seem so sure that their faith and prayer will get them through everything.
I just don’t know how to have it for myself. Personally, I think that I’m too much of a control freak to put my life in someone else’s hands, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wish I had some faith.
But I do believe in hope. That’s something I can wrap my head around.
Mo´s last blog ..Mo’s Must List
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 3:11 pm
@Mo, I think I am too…a control freak. Also? I have this idea that it’s just too easy to leave everything up to faith. Can’t stand it when people blame their circumstances and wrong doings on it either.
Hope? I do believe in.
Oh no. I really really really hope that because I left my first comment on your last post that you think I was offended. I hope it wasn’t my comment that made you feel like you have to screen what you post- I think a blog is a place to dump it all out there. If someone is offended, well then don’t read it, right? I just wanted to drop in my two cents, that’s all. I think it is what God would want me to do. And I’m still praying for you.
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 3:09 pm
@Mynde, Oh no, it didn’t. I promise. It was a few emails mostly. Also? Sometimes I post when I’m in a bad place and then regret parts of it.
And hey, thank you for your kind words.
I also don’t think you need to explain or apologize for anything. It is what it is. And, religion? It’s hard to discuss in person, let alone online. I don’t know about prayer. I’ve got my own thoughts/doubts/questions that are too complicated to discuss here. One thing I’m certain of is the power of love, friendship & support. There is some power in knowing there are people holding you in their heart and who are willing to support & help when & how they can. We are those people. I hope you can feel our love & support & that it offers you a bit of strength, courage & comfort.
xoxox
PsychMamma´s last blog ..Random Handy Tips
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 3:07 pm
@PsychMamma, The power of love, friendship & support? Is what is getting me through this crap. Truly.
Love you friend.
Hope, faith, etc…all the same in terms of what it does to the individual. It means that you realize things don’t have to be what they are, and that you can see the direction you need to take things to get where you want to be.
Hope means there’s a path to take. As long as you can keep moving forward (regardless of how slowly or how many setbacks you face).
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 3:01 pm
@Tony, I think that’s where I get stuck. I think about it too much. I just need to change it in my head a bit and drop the religious connotations. Because that is what holds me up.
I’m a new reader to your blog… most blogs actually. I have a lot of opinions about this subject, and they are not usually the majority, or even popular. Sometimes I think people say things like “We’re praying for you” and “Have faith” because they don’t know what else to say, and they come out the same way as “good morning” and “how are you?” (which we say and don’t even wait for the answer sometimes). I don’t have faith. I just don’t. I found myself watching my dad die slowly, and I still don’t understand why people told me to “have faith.” Faith wasn’t going to change anything about that situation. But maybe it made some people feel better. I’m still not sure. As you said, I can see how powerful it can be for those who do have faith, but I could have done without the Jesus cards and gospel music people kept sending. So, anyway, stay strong (just as bad?), have hope, Feliz Navidad, or whatever will help you get through your tough days. -K
Kelly´s last blog ..Three Years (part two)
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 2:57 pm
@Kelly, No, stay strong I kind of like. I think what I am coming too, is that when people say it, it’s because they mean it. Because for them, it is helpful. If I can get to the place where I hear it and change it in my head to, keep hoping or stay strong, it may seem better. Then, maybe I’ll stop cringing when I hear it.
Thanks for commenting. Welcome to the blog world.
I have hope too. Some days I struggle to hang on to it, but so far I haven’t let it go. I hope you hang onto it too. xoxo
Kari´s last blog ..Happy Birthday to my sister
Issa Reply:
January 30th, 2010 at 2:55 pm
@Kari, Hope is a struggle. But I do have it. Some days more than others.
I am glad that you have hope. And I’m glad that you plan on keeping it.
Hugs, babe.
tracey´s last blog ..So, this groundhog walks into a bar…
i’m an agnostic raising 4 jews. husband is jewnostic (his term) & this is one of our hang ups with religion. i can’t reconcile a god who would do the things i’ve seen.
maybe instead of faith in a god, have a little faith in yourself that you can do this. you are a strong, beautiful, caring woman who can do anything. you can get through this.
mommymae´s last blog ..a happy birthday to my other sister
Issa Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:54 am
@mommymae, Jewnostic? I like that.