This is a hard time in my life. Very hard. In my trying to make it through each day, I find that I’m forgetting things. Small things. Things like, I’ve needed to buy more Tums for a week. (Can someone explain to me why I still get heartburn when the boy is nearly 16 months old?) Things like, my printer has needed ink for three weeks. Have I been places where I could buy these things? Oh yes, many times over. But I forget when I’m there, because my brain is on overdrive trying to figure out things, that it just doesn’t understand yet.
Where is my plug for my iPod? Why can’t I find my 2008 taxes? Did I give Morgan, Bailey’s lunch today? All very good questions. Things I’d normally be able to give you answers for. Right now though? You guess would be as good as mine.
Anyway, I have a few things that I wanted to remember. In case I forget later. I thought it may be good to write them down here.
-I’ve been having trouble getting Bailey to eat. It’s slowly getting better. She’ll eat for me, but she’s still not eating much when she’s with her dad. It’s the stress, it just makes her un-hungry. Also, she’s a complete mama’s girl. However, when you are only in the 4th percentile for weight, you can’t afford to miss many meals.
Anyway, last Thursday she came into my bedroom in the morning and we had this conversation:
Bailey: Mama, guess what?
Me: noticing that she is butt nekkid. Um, I don’t know, you forgot how to put clothes on?
Bailey: No.
Me: An alien ate all of your clothes while you were sleeping.
Bailey: NO MAMA.
Me: It’s nekkid day at school and I missed the memo?
Bailey: laughing. No silly.
Me: I give up love. What?
Bailey: I’M HUNGRY. Like super-dup really hungry mommy. I NEED pancakes.
Me: cries.
I took them to ihop for breakfast and then took them to school an hour late. Sometimes, it’s just the right thing to do.
- Harrison does this thing where he makes you get up from where you are sitting to follow him. He pulls on your finger and makes you follow him around. Sometimes it’s to retrieve his Mater car from someplace where he can’t get it. Sometimes it’s to show you the fridge. Or the mess he made of the dog food again. Sometimes, he wants you sit somewhere else. Like two spots over on the couch. Or on the other side of his train table. It’s very adorable. We call it, Harrison’s adventures. He’s taking us on an adventure. When he’s done with you, he lets go of your finger, but not until he is done. He’s a very cute little dictator.
-The girls and I have been watching American Idol. Although I’m a mean mom and I make them watch it the next night. I can’t handle watching it live. Commercials and I don’t really get along. I also need to able to fast forward during some of it. The other night, we were watching the second episode from last week. Morgan and I were both covering our face and plugging our ears at the same things. Go past this mom, she kept saying. It’s too painful. This person shouldn’t be on the show. Agreed baby girl. Agreed. Last year, she made me suffer through it all. This year? She’s come over to the dark side. The, I can’t stand to watch people make fools of themselves on TV side. It’s about dang time.
-I have posts that I’ve written. Posts that I’m unsure if I’ll post. Or if I do, I will try to give you guys some other stuff to read as well. I adore you all. But I know, that you worry. That I worry you. I know that I’m depressing to read these days. That honestly may not change for awhile. But I need you to know that I am okay. This space is my outlet. It always has been. I write things here, that I’d only say out loud to my mom, my best friend and my shrink. I promise you all, I am okay. Not great, not even good, but okay. I am taking care of myself and my kids. We are surviving. One day, we will get used to this. We’re not there yet. But we’re all taking the right steps.
-In other news, I’m going to be working on my blogroll for the next few days. It will be on the page marked friends. Right now if you hit the friends button, it just has the post I wrote about 31 unknown bloggers in it.
If you’d like to be on my blogroll let me know and I’ll make sure to add you.
give yourself some credit issa…you’re a great mom and i think you’re doing great with the kids inspite of all the yucky stuff going on right now. they’re lucky to have you. xo
Issa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:45 am
@becky, I try friend. It’s hard. But I am trying.
Hell, I forget that kind of stuff even when everything is just peachy.
And okay is okay. It’ll get better. I know you’re not the praying type, but I am…and I’ve been praying for you every.single.day.
Issa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:44 am
@Bridget, I’m not. But I believe in it. And I appreciate it. Big time.
Love you girl.
IHOP made me cry. I’m with Becky: you’re a GREAT mom, and a GREAT person – don’t ever forget it, okay? <3
Issa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:44 am
@Chibi Jeebs, Oh it made me cry. I cried then. I cried when I told my mom. I cried when I told Liz. I cried when I wrote it here, five days afterward. I may cry often.
I know it was stressful at the time but your daughter’s pancakes comment…cutest comment ever. You are a great mom!
Issa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:43 am
@drlori71, She’s an absolute crack up. Even on her worst days, she can always find the funny.
Ihop was definitely the right thing to do.
You are an amazing mother. Truly. Remember that it’s ok to not be perfect. It’s highly over-rated. And probably pretty damn boring, too.
Love you bunches.
xoxo
Issa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:43 am
@avasmommy, I am convinced that there is no such thing as the perfect parent. Is HUGE myth that some asshat thought of to screw with us all.
Love you too friend.
You? Are incredible. And me? I’m not worried about you. Not because I don’t care about you or what’s going on… You have been in my thoughts and I care deeply that you and your three amazing kids are ok… But I’m not “worried” because I have been reading you long enough to know that you are much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. You have been through tough times before, girl, and you can totally get through this and come out on the other side a happy person. I have no doubt about it. I am truly amazed that you have been keeping it together for them and being SUCH a great mommy despite all the shit… Almost deleted that swear because I know it’s a faux-pas to cuss on *most* blogs… but, you know what? There isn’t a better word for it. (((hugs)))
Issa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:42 am
@Jaden, Meh, you can cuss here anytime. I do.
Thank you. Truly.
Jaden Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:49 am
@Issa, No need to thank… None at all. Hope your day today is going better
Jaden´s last blog ..Your First Movie Theater Experience
Ahh one of my preschool babies does that! He gives you such a dirty look if you don’t get up fast enough and then he just kind of brings you somewhere by your finger. Does Harrison only grab one finger? I love resourceful boys!
Issa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:41 am
@Molly, He does. Just one finger. And he does get a little grouchy if you don’t come with him. Although, we do. He’s so much younger than the girls…that he’s a bit spoiled by all of us.
Something I found really maddening and exhausting about the whole process was the extent to which I had to think about EVERYTHING. You do not appreciate the extent to which life as you know it is this choreographed dance, one you know so well that you perform most of it without even thinking about it.
When a big part of it changes, it’s like, you now must be conscious of every move, every beat, as you try to come up with a new routine. It’s unbelievably stressful and tiring when you set out to do something so simple as sitting down to eat breakfast and realize that you aren’t sure exactly how this version of you sits down and eats breakfast.
It’s a lot to sort out. If I have one thing to offer you, it’s that it will get better, and you will eventually reach a point where you live your new life comfortably, if not effortlessly. I know that’s not really all that helpful … but at least it’s true.
Issa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:49 am
@Jen the Trephinist, It’s emotionally exhausting. All of it. I feel like I have to remake myself in a way. We’ve been together for so long, that I’m still not sure where he ends and I begin.
It’s the small things that get me though. Like you said, breakfast. Dinner. Bath time, three against one now. The other day, I found a picture of my wedding cake, in a book I was going to send a friend. The small stuff.
I will tell you, it is helpful to see that you made it. To read your words and know that one day, I may be able to help someone with mine. Truly Jen, Thank you.
You know what? If you were posting about sunshine and roses right now, THEN I’d be concerned. You write whatever you need to write. You don’t have to sugar coat it for us We CARE about you, we’re not just coming here to be entertained.
Oh, and ME ME ME, please!
*muah*
Issa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:40 am
@Andrea’s Sweet Life, Even this was a stretch friend. Promise.
I just feel bad when all I do is worry people. I have this guilt thing, it’s in my genes. So I tried. Shrug.
Just wanted to remind you that I think you are awesome. And I agree that going out for breakfast was definately the perfect thing to do…they can absolutely be late for school for things like that! xo
I’m glad you are okay. Okay is fine, for now hon. Best wishes.
Its good to remember the little things when all the big scary stuff is going on. These little things help you get through.
I love you hon. And I’d really like to be on your blog roll (pretty please with ice cream, lettuce, root beer and white wine on top)
Issa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:35 am
@But Why Mommy, Laughing. I don’t know friend, I mean I guess you can be on it. Since you have lettuce and all that.
Of course you will be on it.
You know I’m thinking of you and hoping that your mind can be free of whatever stresses you can get rid of. Does that make sense? I’m confused right now. And hungry. I need pancakes, too!
Issa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:32 am
@Tracey, It does actually. Thanks friend.
First, I’m always thinking of you.
Secondly, cut yourself some slack. I forget things all the time and I don’t have the kinds of things going on in my life that you do. No one will mind if you forget a few things.
I think I’m offended that you just called me an unknown blogger. Oh wait…nevermind.
And IHOP…totally the right choice.
Issa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:30 am
@Allyson @ The Joy Circus, Now, technically that was your old blog. If you keep writing at the new one, I promise to give you a new title on my blogroll.
Will be thinking about you guys all day today.
I think you are a pretty awesome mama.
And, please? Could you get that heartburn checked out? I know I’m a bit worrywart of the “oh this splinter is going to turn into gangrene” variety, but I don’t think you should still be chugging Tums. Unless you really like them. Then it’s ok.
Issa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:27 am
@Fairly Odd Mother, Yes mom.
No, truly friend I’m okay. I had ulcers years ago..after a bad car accident and too much ibuprofen for a year. Took them a year to go away. For some reason I’ve had heartburn since I got pregnant with H. I’ve had it checked out to make sure it wasn’t ulcers coming back. But it just seems to be heartburn. Basically I did some damage to myself when I had the ulcers. To the lining of my stomach and to my esophagus.
Okay seems like a good place to be in. And I would’ve loved a surprise trip to IHOP when I was a kid!
Issa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:24 am
@Kelly, iHop on a school morning…yeah, me too. Ha.
I love that you documented those little things about your kids. It’s so precious. So are you.
Issa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:19 am
@Kari, So are you friend. I was about to text you and then thought…oh it’s rather early in Cali right now. Hope you are doing okay. Have been wondering about you, am just sucky at follow through.
I can’t remember shit lately. What’s my excuse? Of course I’d love to be on your blogroll. I’ll add you to mine too. Of course, mine is hopelessly out dated and in need of an entire re-do … I keep forgetting to do THAT too!
Issa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:18 am
@Twenty Four At Heart, Stress? Is what I’ve been told.
Of course you are going on mine.
Stress completely overwhelmes the memory functions. That part will pass in time.
Be confident, your’re doing all the right things for you and your kids. You love them.
Issa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:17 am
@Catootes, I’ve never had this problem so bad before. The memory thing. I’ve always had a really good memory. This is like pregnancy brain at it’s worst.
When I grow up, I want to be like you.
IHOP was, by far, the best thing you could have done.
I love you.
Issa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:14 am
@Heather, I can teach you to be just like me. 12 easy payments of… LOL.
Issa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:16 am
@Heather, Oh and I love you too friend.
I remember so well what it was like to be in your spot. I remember having this notion if I could just fast-forward my life that I’d get to a happier place than the unrecognizable pit I was in… Just wanted to reassure you that life WILL get better over time. In the meantime, be good to yourself whenever you can. You’re already being good to your kids
minor catastrophes´s last blog ..just because it’s normal doesn’t mean it’s fun
Issa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:12 am
@minor catastrophes, Thank you. Truly, I say that often, that I’d like to fast forward to this time next year. Maybe then I will feel like breathing isn’t such work.
Hi there Issa. I’ve so missed talking to you Hun. You are so much stronger than you ever give yourself credit for. I know times are tough right now and only time will help. Your blog is for you and you alone. We will be here to read it on good days and bad. I am glad that you are okay because right now okay is good my friend.
You are a fantastic mother and your doing great!
Ihope was a fantastic idea!!! A little mommy time is always what they need.
As for heartburn I too had it for ever after delivery. (also damaged stomach from ulcers) Have you tried taking a daily am dose of pepcid? I found that and tums helped a little bit.
Lots of hugs to you mama! Your in my thoughts!!!!
Issa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:51 am
@Laura, Hey. I was actually thinking about you this morning. I’m sorry sweetie. I am just not good at follow through right now. I hope you are doing okay.
I can’t take pepcid, for some reason it kills my stomach.
This is great, and I can tell you that I, for one, totally relate to your last point. I’ve posted a couple of pretty depressing entries on my blog lately, and I’ve found myself apologizing, both internally & externally, for being such a downer.
But like you, I use my blog to emote, when I can’t, or won’t emote elsewhere. I actually kept paper journals all my life, until I had to finally burn them out of fear that someone would find them and think I was only the sum of my angst. Not so at all.
You need this right now. Any woman who doesn’t sympathize and support you is really misguided…or just mean.
ps – I love that you took your kids for pancakes
kootnygirl´s last blog ..sometimes it’s hard to breathe
Issa Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 9:53 am
@kootnygirl, I have this fear of running everyone off, if I’m too depressing. At the same time, I wrote this yesterday and it took more work than it would have to just post what I wanted to say.
I try though. I just every now and then have to try. And it’s for me as much as everyone else. Because in a year, if I look back, I want to be able to see small bits of good in all of the bad.
For the heartburn, I implore you, buy yourself a Hazelwood necklace and bracelet; I got my last on from http://www.hazelaid.com
Wear it 24/7 – even in the shower.
I know that this is a horrible time for you and your family. In spite of this though, your writing is so honest, so simple but so deep at the same time. You are quite talented.
GreenInOC´s last blog .."Joe Lieberman Socks"
It breaks my heart..It brings back those feelings I felt for so long and spent so long trying to get over..I was once in love with a man whom I thought showed me the best side of life then dropped me like I was nothing..Its been 2 years and I’m still trying to fix the pieces..things we could do other way, things we did right or wrong..
You’re doing a good job. IHOP was a great idea
Harrison is adorable. Your girls are beautiful. Sending love your way. I hope you have more mornings like the IHOP morning.
MommyGeekology´s last blog ..Pet Peeves {GTT}
Issa, Same thing happened to me when I was younger. Even without little ones to support and love, I forgot stuff all the time too. Amazing quantities of stuff. Just don’t walk into traffic like I did one day. (I was fine, just startled — the driver who came to a screeching halt probably lost a few years…)
As others have said, it does get better. You’ll look up one day and you’ll realize you’re feeling real pleasure — without the ache in the background. Mine was a pretty spring day when all the trees were blooming. You’ll feel 10 years younger and 10 pounds lighter. Meantime, just know that a stranger reads your blog and thinks your stories are great.
I get heartburn still every now and then, but not often and Skylar is almost 11 months.
I would LOVE to talk to you through email. I don’t have yours, but have so much I want to say and think it would be better there. However, I want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers. You are a strong woman and such a great, wonderful mother.
stephanie´s last blog ..Guess Who is Walking!?!?!!!
You’re an amazingly strong woman. You will be better than okay, I know it. But take your time, there is no rush. We’re here and will always be here. For you. Whatever you wants to write, we’ll read.
Sending lots of love and HEAPS of support your way.
sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..Clouded