Monthly Archives: January 2010

Let me see if I can dial it down a notch

In this moment, I am a little tired of talking. A little tired of thinking. Basically? I am just freaking tired. Physically, emotionally and mentally. I thought I’d try for a lighter post. Not because I don’t have a million things to say, mostly because I’m just not in the mood. We’ll see how well I do at this.

First off, do you see my beautiful new site? MommyGeekology designed it for me and I’m absolutely in love with it. It’s so pretty and shiny and new. It needs me to do a little work to it, but it’s fully functional. MommyGeek is awesome to work with and answered EVERY SINGLE STUPID ASS QUESTION that I asked her. Even when I asked her the same thing three times. If you are looking at redesigning your site, I highly recommend her. You can check out her personal blog or her Rent a Geek site. She does all kinds of stuff, that I couldn’t even begin to explain to you.

Second, I really did have a great trip last week. I can not even begin to tell you how wonderful it was. To escape for a few days, to spend time with friends. Re-remember how to laugh and joke around. I think it had been weeks since I’d laughed much at all. I had dinner with Kirsten. Her and Liz and I talked for hours, until I almost fell asleep at the table and they made me leave. (Sleeping hasn’t been my strong suit lately. As in, I pretty much haven’t slept in weeks.) Emmie and her boys drove from far away, just to come have lunch with us (or in my head, so I could give her a hug), which was so sweet of her. Truly, it was funny to see the four kids chasing after each other. I could have missed seeing Caroline drink ketchup, but besides that, it was a great lunch. (Actually being around Caroline was pretty much like seeing Bailey at two years old again.)

I played with Liz and Ben’s amazing kids. (I promise you all, Thomas really is that smart and Caroline really is a little wild child. They are sweet and funny and wonderful.) I met Liz’s family and friends. I got to joke around with Ben in person. The man is funny, sweet, kind and a great friend…oh and um tall with lots of hair on his head. ;)   (I also feel like now is the time to thank him publicly for sharing his wife with me for five days.) I saw some random movies…we don’t need to discuss Liz making me cry by watching Grosse Point Blank. Okay, that wasn’t her fault. All me. Completely. Liz and I went to some of mine and her favorite places on my last day there, which was better that six months of therapy. Oh and I ate PRINCESS CAKE!!!!

I had a great trip. No, I had a fabulous trip.

Lastly, I want to thank you all for your kind words the last few weeks. My goal is to answer my emails and respond to comments in the next day or two. But I want you to know that it means the world to me that you all have been so kind and supportive.

That’s all folk’s. That’s the extent of my positiveness. Done. Ha.

Is it still real?

Of everything, that may have been the one that broke my heart the most. Harder than sitting my babies down last night and explaining that daddy was going to live at cousin Ray’s house for a while. Maybe for a long while. That they’ll still see him, but most likely will never live here again. Harder than watching Bailey shut down. Harder than listening to Morgan scream and rage at me for half an hour, until I finally carried her and put her in bed. Harder than laying in her bed and eventually sitting outside her door listening to her sob, until she finally fell asleep.

Is it still real mommy, whispered to me at 2am, may have been the worst. I pulled her into bed with me and whispered the words that I knew she didn’t want to hear, yes baby, it’s still real. She laid there with me, cuddling and crying for about an hour and then went back to her bed. It’s too crowded in here she said. Yes, it was crowded, since her little sister and brother were already in the bed. Mostly though, she needed her space. I get it, but I wish it wasn’t like this.

It is though. Reality has set in and I don’t like it. My girls don’t like it. One is raging at me, angry, so very angry. Wanting me to fix it, wanting daddy to actually show up, so she can yell at him too.  The other is shutting down and I’m helpless to stop it. Harrison, thankfully has no clue what is going on. Yet. One day, he will.

Their father and I have wrecked their world. We’ve inflicted pain on them; pain that they shouldn’t have to deal with at five and eight years old. Too much pain. I would do anything to take it back. To make their world innocent again. I can’t. I can’t make this go away. I wish I could, but it’s not possible.

I never wanted this for them. I know this pain. I know how horrible it is. Yet here I am, doing the same thing to them that I swore I’d never do.

Last night, I changed them forever. No matter what, I can’t change that. I just hope they end up okay. I just hope I can explain things to them in the right way, things that I don’t fully understand. This knocked our world out from under us. I pray that I am strong enough to rebuild it in the way they need me too. That I can do this better than my parents did.

That I can remember that this is about them now, not me.

Because yes, it is still real.