I worried. Worried about sharing my story with the world. I worried so much that I didn’t sleep the night before it was posted. At all.
When Maggie said, it’s your turn, are you ready, I said yes. Not because I really was though. It’s been six months since I wrote that post. I have wondered when my turn came, if I’d say no or yes, for six long months. Not a day went by without me wondering. Truth? Any other time, any other week in between the day I sent it to her and Sunday, I may have said no. On Sunday, in that moment, I said okay. Then I didn’t sleep.
I hid all day yesterday. I may hide more. I am afraid. I am vulnerable and that scares me. I put my deepest darkest secrets out into the world and it terrifies me. It shouldn’t. I’ve shared other things and you all have supported me. I have read each and every comment over there. Everyone has been sweet and kind. I’m still scared. This is different. This? I wish I didn’t even have to know, much less share it with everyone.
Six months ago I wrote that post. I wrote it because I was triggered. I wrote it because I had too. It was time. Time to be honest. Time to stop stuffing it. Time to learn to deal with it. It was one of the hardest things I ever did. I didn’t think I was strong enough to post it. I was grateful when Maggie said, it could be months before it goes up. I’m still not sure I’m strong enough to talk about it. I hit send that day, sent it to Maggie for VU, because a friends bravery made me think I may be strong enough.Then, because I was hysterical and needed to be talked of a ledge, I sent it to someone else. Then? I had to deal with it.
I’ve been in therapy ever since then. First to deal with the that, then to deal with my current situation. Both in fact. YAY me. Sigh.
I’ve been on the edge of tears for two days now. I can’t even tell you for sure why I’m writing this. Maybe its because writing helps me. Maybe it’s because I have a knack for feeling like I should explain or apologize. Maybe??? Who knows.
I apologize often. For everything. For nothing. For things I perceive to be failures on my part. For things I perceive that I’ve said badly. It annoys some people. I’ve actually lost friends because of it. I eventually have to tell friends, I say I’m sorry often, but I swear to you, I never say it if I don’t mean it. It’s just that I always feel I need to say I’m sorry about something.
It’s one of the many things that I do because of my childhood. I know this. I’ve been told this in therapy. Will I ever stop doing it? I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. I’m not sure that it matters. There are other things. Some small, some major. The thing is, it changed who I would become. From seven years old, I became a little adult. I had no choice. My choice was taken away.
You think you can stuff it away. That if you don’t talk about it, it isn’t real. That as long as you get up and live your life, you’ve done okay. I believed for years that as long as I protected my kids one day, none of this mattered. It isn’t true though. It changed me. Not dealing with it changed me. Dealing with it, these past six months has changed me again.
I thought I’d feel better sharing. Thought it would free me in some way. Make it somehow easier. Maybe in a day or two, or a week or two, this will be the case.
I’m worried. Worried that what I shared is too much. Worried that I burdened you all.
Mostly though, I’m scared. Scared that this forever changes how you will look at me, think about me. Others have shared and I have not felt different about them at all. Not in the least. I’ve always wondered if that’s because I understand. Because I get it. I get them. However, I’m still scared. Exposed. Tired. Scared.
31 Responses to Because I am incapable of not talking, even when I don’t want to talk
Grab My Button!
I’m a joiner
Love you six months ago. Love you now. Proud of you… And proud to be standing by you as a friend.
My friend, there is no looking at you different. You are an awesome mother and a very strong woman.
I was in a similar situation when inwas 5-8. My mother passed away, dad was a Marine sent away for a few months. I went to stay with a frend of mydads, they had a 15 or 16yr old boy. I’m sure you get the idea. It too made me grow up, but Hun I’m sure you know your not alone. We are here to read, support, and show
love, not to judge. I envy you for having the courage to write to us about your situations, struggles, emotions, and love!!!
Hugs to u !!
The saddest part about being women is that most of us have a similar story or experience, because being a girl is inherently unsafe. It makes me angry and tired and sick, but it seems to be true.
I watched the Oprah yesterday with the sex offenders and I couldn’t stop thinking of you when one of the men talked about abusing his younger family member. He said his deepest regret is “killing who she would’ve been.” Truer words were never spoken.
Be gentle with yourself and trust those who believe in you. Speaking your truth will eventually set you free.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Mystery solved =-.
My husband does the apologizing thing, too. Because as a kid, he thought it might keep him from getting hit.
If anything is different, it’s only that I am that much prouder to call you a friend.
.-= Allyson´s last blog ..Today =-.
Issa, you relieving some of the burden on yourself does not mean that you have placed that burden onto others. Not in the slightest.
I have a very dear friend who was molested by her stepfather as a kid. She said that after years of therapy, that she felt like she took that experience, which had become this heaviness that she carried around inside of herself all the time, and she put it in a metaphorical box on a shelf. It’s still around, she notices it occasionally and remembers. And she knows she can never completely get rid of the box. But she doesn’t carry it around with her all the time anymore, and it isn’t a constant weight on her.
That’s my hope for you: that you can someday get to the point where you can put that experience on a shelf and allow yourself to experience that lightness.
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..resurfacing =-.
There is nothing you could write, nothing you could say, that would change my opinion of you. Strong. Intelligent. Brave. A great Mom. Caring friend. Wonderful person. Stand tall knowing that your words will resonate with other people and make them feel less alone with their own realities… We are here for you, no matter what.
Love, love, love you. Same today as yesterday, and still the same tomorrow.
xoxox
.-= PsychMamma´s last blog ..Something Very Close To My Heart =-.
I can’t tell you I understand this time around. I can only imagine what your past was like, and the burden it has placed on you. I’ve never been in your shoes. What happened was not your doing. Not your fault. How could that make me look at you any differently? You’re the same person I “met” almost a year ago on Twitter. If anything, I love you more…for all that you’ve been through and still, you’re a strong and brave person. A good friend. A wonderful mother. If one person read your story and got help..reached out, it’s worth it, don’t you think?
You’re the one person who has been there for me through thick and thin in the last few months. I’ll always stand here beside you, no matter how dark it gets.
.-= avasmommy´s last blog ..Content =-.
Even though I’ve known about this for a while, it still breaks my heart to know it. And I’m sorry. I don’t look at you differently at all though. I see you as I always have, just stronger. xo
.-= Becky @TheRealBecks´s last blog ..A Happy Update =-.
Issa – I don’t know you but I do look at you differently. I look at you now with incredible respect for your bravery, for your courage, for your vulnerability, for your honesty.
Just like Kelly wrote above, as I was watching Oprah and hearing that man I too thought of you.
Cindy W’s sentiment is beautiful and think that is an incredibly wonderful gift to give yourself, I too hope that someday you can.
.-= GreenInOC´s last blog ..Sarah Palin The Teabagger Meets Sarah Palin The Hyprocrite =-.
Never. Never ever no way no how would this change how I see you, how I think of you, how I feel about you.
Well, that’s not entirely true: I look at you with even more love and respect because you DID say yes to Maggie – that you shared your life, exposed yourself, were brave enough, and gave us all the opportunity to support you further. As I said earlier, I am awed and inspired by your strength and bravery (and I *always* will be, no matter what: pinky swear).
You are amazing. You are strong. You are brave. You are wise. You are compassionate. You are generous. You are loving. You are wonderful. Please don’t ever forget it. <3
.-= Chibi Jeebs´s last blog ..Did I ever tell you about the time I burned my cooter? =-.
I don’t know what words will make you feel better, but know that the world thinks no less of you because of your experience. It’s horrible and sad, but totally not your fault. Hold in there. I’m sure it will get better soon.
.-= Marla´s last blog ..Roommates make you grow-up and become tolerant of others… Right? =-.
See…now I HAVE to go get a new phone and send you my slightly used iPhone.
You, once again, are brilliant!
Love you. So very much.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Special Needs Parenting 101 =-.
I love you just the same as I always have and I always will. You are amazing, truly. I am sorry that you lost your childhood and I am sorry that you have had to carry it around for so long.
I am glad that you were able to share your story, to release some of the burden you’ve been carrying. I hope that this helps you deal with it, to know that it is not your fault.
Know that you have so many friends walking by your side, even if you can’t see them. I and so many others are always here for you, my dear friend.
.-= But Why Mommy´s last blog ..Mommy, We Are One Step Closer =-.
It takes strength to say what you did. I understand more than you know.
.-= Headless Mom´s last blog ..The Drop Off Line =-.
Sometimes I think that if we really knew, well, we’d be the majority. And that sucks, for all of us. Please don’t worry, I hope letting go of your secret helps you heal.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Haiku that Blog! v1.05 Pandapple Edition =-.
Issa, Anyone who wouldn’t want to talk to you after you post this, isn’t someone you want to be friends with.
Sit back, take some deep breaths, and feel proud for what you’ve done. No one should ever have to go through what you did. You’re still 100% fabulous!
.-= Karen Chatters´s last blog ..Eat this… and this and this =-.
Issa, I just recently found your blog, and I want to tell you how brave I find your writing. It’s so hard to be real, and raw, and just stay in that place for as long as you need to, dealing with life and its painful emotions. I’m sad that you’re so sad, and hope to read you in the future when you’re in a happier place, but I am really impressed with your bravery and your strength, in being where you are right now, in dealing with it so openly and honestly. I wish you the best. You’re working so hard right now, through so much heartbreak. Someday you’ll get through it, to the other side, to light and happiness and days that feel easy breezy. And it will be real, and you’ll have earned it, with all the heavy emotional lifting you’re doing now. Good luck! Your writing is beautiful. Thanks for everything you share.
.-= Katy´s last blog ..Those Who Can Teach, Teach, Motherf*cker; It’s a Skill! =-.
If anything Issa I love you more. There is no way in heck something that made you suffer would EVER change what I see in you. I don’t even “know” you but I see such a strong and wonderful person. I think these and possibly other incidents have fogged up your mirror. You are at a crossroad in your life, it’s time to get out the windex and clean off that mirror. You ARE strong, you ARE a wonderful mother, and you ARE human. I hope you find the confidence you deserve b/c you are teh awesome and nothing will change my mind. I am stubborn like that.
I can not imagine how hard it was to share that and have it coincide with other things in your life. But you just hide when you need to. But not too long, b/c I miss you. M’kay? LOVE YOU.
You are good enough
You are strong enough
And gosh darn it, people like you!
~Stuart Smalley SNL Character
.-= Lu´s last blog ..Cane in my ass. (More like the cane is a PITA, but ya know. Either way sounds horrible.) =-.
You’re a brave woman! You’ve gone through so many life-changing experiences at once and you’ve handled everything with dignity and grace. You have a lot to be proud of.
xo
.-= Mo´s last blog ..I’ve Fallen And I Can’t Get Up =-.
I read, but didn’t comment. I was thinking. I wanted to say something, but I wanted that something to be perfect. Here’s what I came up with:
xoxo
Seriously…just xoxo
.-= Bridget´s last blog ..All We Can Do Is Keep Breathing* =-.
You are amazing and I am so proud to call you a friend. Truly.
.-= Kirsten´s last blog ..Edgy =-.
I read, and took my time commenting, because like Bridget, above, I wanted it to be perfect. But, still no perfect comment, so here is a real one. You are stronger, now, in my eyes than you were before, and I already admired your strength and grace and dignity in this virtual world a whole lot. I hope that having shared this, you can find another way to move forward while dropping bits and pieces of the weight of this behind you. I am sorry for the loss of your childhood innocence, Issa. (((hugs)))
You know, for days and days and days now, I’ve almost left the same comment every time I read. (And I read every post.) I’ve just never been able to figure out how to say it in a way that doesn’t come out sounding either stupid or accidentally insensitive. So forgive me if I’m either, because the post you’re referencing here really drives me to just HAVE to try to say it:
I have always enjoyed reading your blog. You write honestly and openly and without pretense or the attempt to be anyone or write like anyone other than Issa. You often make me laugh and more often make me think. And now, during this really tough time in your life, you have somehow managed to harness all the emotions and energy involved and dial up your writing yet another notch. So while I am so very sorry for everything you’re dealing with (and I agree with Mo – you’re doing it with such grace) I have never been more impressed with your posts nor have I enjoyed reading them more. And that’s the part I hope doesn’t come out wrong: I do NOT (hopefully obviously!) enjoy the fact that you are having to endure any of this. But I appreciate being able to journey along with you through such honest and heartfelt and well-written posts.
So there your go, my dear. I hope this came across okay. Much love to you through everything.
xoxo
.-= Lesley´s last blog ..2010 Hates Me! Also, My Friend Lori Is Totally Into Horses, So I Added One To This Post (I Added A Scientific Fact About Poop, Too, But Pretty Much Everyone Is Into That Kind of Thing) =-.
sweetness, you know I know what you are going through. I was often told I apologized too much for things I have no control over. I still apologize, but not as much. maybe because I don’t interact with as many people….I am not sure.
I was sick, literally sick, for days after my post went live. It was so hard, but I knew that I had to share, that even if it didn’t help me, it might help someone else.
I wish I could say that monsters are in fairy tales and everything in life is peachy keen…..but we both know I would be lying. If you need me I am here for you. Much love.
xo
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..My heart is overcome with bliss =-.
De-lurking here, because I simply cannot not put a reply to your post. I’ve admired you for your honesty, your courage to be *real* in sharing your thoughts, feelings, and yourself with us readers. I’ve admired you for other things as well since I discovered your blog a short time ago. Now? I only admire you even more for your honesty and for your willingness to be transparent. It takes great courage to allow oneself to be vulnerable. I wish I knew you in “real life” as I would be very proud and honored to have you as a friend. You my dear are a very special woman; your children are blessed to have you as their mother, and your friends are lucky to have your friendship. You are genuine, kind, thoughtful and honest. I choose my friends carefully. I would choose you in a heartbeat.
I do not think any differently about you love. At all. You are still the same strong woman that I know, and am so happy to call my friend. xo
.-= Kari´s last blog ..Best performance EVER =-.
you’re in my thoughts and have been for a long time.
.-= nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..forget valentine’s day. riddle me this: am i getting bloggy screwed? =-.
It’s good to get it out. Getting out of your head takes away the power it has over you. Getting it out of your head makes you more powerful, because it’s no longer your hidden, secret, fearful self. It’s your real self. Getting it out of your head exposes you to it, and the more you expose yourself to it, the less scary it gets.
Go you.
Love. Peace. I think you are unbelievably brave. And equally strong.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..Closer to Love =-.
My reaction to your words is that I couldn’t quite think of a thing you could say that would make me judge you so harshly that I wouldn’t ever come back to your blog. We are all on this journey, we all have stories, sometimes we can share and other times there just aren’t enough words.
I hope you find peace with your decision.