Yesterday I received some less than lovely comments and a few emails, all of which I deleted. (Promise all of you whose comments are showing in yesterdays post, it wasn’t you. In fact, none of it came from people I know.) It’s hard not to take it personally, even if it comes from strangers.
Here’s where it got a little mean though. There is this idea that therapy is a magic fix. I was told that I’m depressed, bitter, angry and need therapy. Therapy would make me better. Therapy would magically cure all of my ills. If I was in therapy, I’d find happiness and not have any more problems. Then, I’d stop writing depressing posts and everyone would like me. Yes, that last part was actually said to me.
I know this is my blog. I know I can do, or not do whatever I want and say whatever I want. I just want this out there, so everyone knows. Maybe then, the people who like to tell me how depressing I am, will at least get a clue and hit the little red X at the top of the screen.
I am in therapy. I have been since September. I am paying out of pocket, 100% for a very good therapist. I could have paid for a new Macbook, paid for BlogHer 2010 and taken my kids to DisneyLand this summer on what I’ve paid for therapy so far. I won’t be doing any of those things, because my mental health is more important.
I am medicated. I know there can be a stigma behind it. I don’t really care. In this moment, I need it. We tried lowering it for a few months and I’ve had to up it again in the last few weeks. Will I need it forever? Maybe. Do I know I need it to function right now? To keep my depression managable? Yes. I do.
Every day, I get out of bed and do what I need to do to take care of me and my kids. And the dog, the house and the car.
My dad and step-mom are morons who have no idea what they are missing out on. My dad choose his wife and her evil spawn over me and my brothers, years and years ago. I can’t change that. Nothing I do, or say will change that. No matter what I said yesterday, I know this to be true. I stopped mattering to him, when he moved in with her. My brother fared only a bit better. I am used to and pretty much ignore his lack of interest in me. However, when it comes to my brother, I get angry.
In September, I started dealing with abuse issues from my childhood. I’d never, ever dealt with any of it before. I’d stuffed it all. Un-stuffing it, almost broke me. It still owns me. Maybe it won’t one day, but it does in this moment.
In January, my husband left me. My husband of almost 11 years. The only man I’ve ever been with. After 16 years together, he no longer loves me.This? Is not something I can get over in seven weeks. It’s gonna take awhile.
Friends who I’ve known my entire life are not really my friends anymore. A lot of reasons have contributed to this. Mostly though, we’ve all changed. None of us are the people we once were. Especially me. I’ve made amazing new friends, none of whom live here. Sometimes that really sucks, because I feel very alone here. However, they are all worth it.
All of this is harsh. It’s hard to deal with. This place, my blog, is a form of therapy for me. One that’s way cheaper than the amazing woman I see every week. I write what I’m feeling. I write my inner thoughts. I am doing the best I can. It may not be enough for some people. If you find me to be too much to deal with, please, feel free to stop reading. I understand. But I’m not going to stop writing what I want too on my blog.
52 Responses to Therapy…the magic pill
Grab My Button!
I’m a joiner
Clearly you *ARE* crazy. Everybody knows that half an hour with a good therapist is enough to fix ALL your problems. Instantly!!
Snort.
.-= Liz´s last blog ..Cheese and Wine. Err… Whine. =-.
Issa Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:16 am
@Liz, I don’t think I could afford that therapist.
If I’m that crazy, then you are too. That’s all I have to say about that.
**Thunderous applause**
Well said, my love. People don’t get that writing is a form of therapy for many of us, myself included. It’s way better to write it here than bottle it up.
Keep writing. We’ll keep reading. Oh, and let me know if you need me to round up the comment mafia again…
.-= avasmommy´s last blog ..Friday Rants =-.
Issa Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:17 am
@avasmommy, I considered it friend. I truly considered posting their IP address too. Decided to be a bigger person. Dammit.
Nor should you. This is your sacred space.
And medication is not weakness. It is strength.
Issa Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:18 am
@mrs chicken, Thank you Amy. I believe that too. I think that working on things, is better than not.
I’ve never understood trolls. How is tearing someone down going to help them heal or do whatever action said troll believes is correct?
Forget them and focus on you. Actually, you’re already doing that, so keep up the good work. We’re all rooting for you.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..After three hours of LOST =-.
Issa Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:22 am
@Kelly, I’ve never understood them either. They just want attention I believe. Must be lonely and bored, if they are going to be like that all the time. It’s sad really.
I haven’t told you nearly often enough, but I love you, girl. Hang in there. You are doing all the right things… the circumstances you’re in just stink. Things will get better but you’re right, the clouds aren’t going to magically part just because you’re medicated, in therapy, or have lovely friends. But let me tell you, those of us who love you are here for you, cloudy days or not. Because knowing you is SO worth it.
{{hugs}}
Issa Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:24 am
@Debra, Debra, you are a sweetheart and I adore you. Truth is, all of you keep me going.
*sigh* Therapy… that double edge sword. The more you get, sometimes the more you need. And the down side? It doesn’t help you fix *other* people, just yourself.
Maybe you should try sleeping with your therapist. I’ve heard that’s like a really awesome way to make all your troubles go away.
Loves you. Ignore the asshats and continue to make this blog your own.
.-= PrincessJenn´s last blog ..Follow Friday: Talk To Me, Goose =-.
Issa Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:26 am
@PrincessJenn, This make me laugh the other day. I love you for that. But Jenn? She’s a 65 year old woman. So uh…ewwwwww.
And freaking A, I wish me going to therapy made all the idiots better too. Wouldn’t that be nice. Maybe when I’m queen of the world, I’ll figure out how to do that.
*standing ovation* Hear fucking hear!
I’m proud of you for doing what you need to do for YOU and for taking charge of your emotional well-being. NO ONE has any business telling you to get into therapy. Hell, a trained therapist would NEVER “diagnose” over the internet – that’s just asinine. As well, NO ONE has *any* business telling you what you should or shouldn’t be doing regarding YOUR family until they’ve lived it and walked a mile in your shoes. One of my biggest pet peeves. *shakes head* Blood is NOT thicker than water and doesn’t give someone carte blanche access to my life.
xoxo
.-= Chibi Jeebs´s last blog ..Change is afoot =-.
Issa Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:29 am
@Chibi Jeebs, Eh, some would. Crappy ones. However, the “well meaning” asshats are prolly just bored and wanting attention.
You tell ‘em. I know it can be hard, but try to ignore all those people who are trying to psychoanalyze you and give you advice you didn’t ask for. This is your space, you write what you need to.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Keeping Busy on Long, Cold Winter Days =-.
Issa Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:30 am
@Lisa, Delete, delete, delete. Is my new troll moto.
Thank you Lisa.
I went to therapy of various forms for over 6 years for my oh so excellent childhood and can tell you – ignore the buttheads, do what you need to do.
It takes an amazing amount of strength to find someone to talk to and then open your heart and talk. Keep it up, you are worth it.
Issa Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:32 am
@gaylin, Thank you.
Therapy blows…but I can see how it’s needed. Magic pill though, eh not so much.
Own it girl!!! (clapping!)
you have to do what you have to do to get through the moment. I still think you should be writing that book, but…
Proud of you. Xoxo
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Renee’s Baby Shower! =-.
Issa Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:33 am
@Heather, i just don’t know what to write it about. I’ll get there eventually. But doing anything concrete like that takes more planning ability than I seem to possess right now.
My father died seven years ago. He is no longer a presence in my life and never was inmy children’s. It was not by his own choice. I don’t have to reconcile that he chose what happened. I went to therapy for it. I’m still not okay with it.
My husband and I almost fell apart five years ago. I have packed my bags before. I held on only for my children. We went to therapy for it. We are together, blissfully married, but the scars of what happened are still with me every day in spite of the way things are now.
If anyone says therapy fixes everything, they are obviously complete idiots who have no idea the true gravity of caring for people and carrying the wounds of life’s betrayals with you.
And you…keep writing, keep saying all the things you need to say. You are neither depressing nor crazy. You are human. And that’s what makes this space beautiful.
Issa Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:36 am
@Allyson, You are amazing and I’m so happy that we are friends.
Therapy only helps you learn to deal with things, it can’t make you get over it fully or make it not have happened. Which really sucks, because I’d pay buttloads for that crap if it were possible.
I just recently started reading your blog, not sure how I came upon it, but I’ve been reading ever since. Not that my opinion is that relevant to you, being a stranger and all, but I think you’re doing a great job of dealing with everything going on in your life right now and on top of that the stuff you have been put through in the past. I admire your guts to share it in a public forum, not sure I could or would want to. I understand the therapeutic advantages of writing, the main reason I write is to sort things out and it does feel a little bit like therapy now and then. I’m glad writing, therapy, pills and whatever you need is helping you. You are doing what you need to do to live through this and come out the other side all the better for it. Good for you!
.-= Jen´s last blog ..Things I’m thinking while I meditate =-.
Issa Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:39 am
@Jen, Hi. I love meeting new people. And? As long as you are nice, I love hearing new opinions.
It is like therapy, this space. I’m also very careful to not have family find it though, because then I feel like I can be as real as I want too.
(((hugs))) I know you know this already, but I am here if you need anything!!
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..My Olympic Moment… =-.
Issa Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:43 am
@AmazingGreis, Thank you friend.
Let the asshats be asshats. WE love you and understand that this is your place to get it out. I may not be going through what you are but I get it all the same. Taking that pill, going to that therapy, writing here are all pieces of the puzzle of putting it all back together. You’ve seen lots of changes recently. It’s normal and natural to try and make sense of it all, and if taking it all apart and then putting it all back together is how you need to do it? Then we’ll all be here to support you.
Aside? Wish I was there to take you out for a coffee, or dessert, or???!!!
.-= Headless Mom´s last blog ..Love Waits Until Dinner =-.
Issa Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:43 am
@Headless Mom, Thank you.
I will just never understand the people who troll around the Interwebs.
For the people who’d try to tell you what to write on your own blog or that you’re being too depressing: how fucking dare they. Seriously. If they do that shit again, just post their IP’s, baby, and let’s have us a good ol’ fashioned troll hunt. I’ll bring the torches, somebody else can bring the pitchforks.
You do what you need to do to take care of yourself & your kids. Screw everybody else. xoxo
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..a little toddler romance =-.
Issa Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:45 am
@cindy w, I considered it. I considered calling in the comment mafia to handle it for me. Then I figured I’d just delete it. All that being the better person crap.
Good for you. This is your place and you should use it in whatever way you need to use it.
You my dear friend are an amazing woman and I am always here for you.
.-= But Why Mommy´s last blog ..Doing the Hustle =-.
Issa Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:46 am
@But Why Mommy, Ditto love. Ditto.
I’m so sorry someone felt the need to take time out of their day to send you thoughtless emails.
It sounds like you have control of all that’s going on in your life and that you’re being proactive in protecting your mental health. I’m really proud of you for not letting a troll get you down, those people aren’t worth your energy (as you already know.)
Issa Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:48 am
@jennifer, playgroups are no place for children, For a bit I did. Then I just deleted it. I wanted to attack back, but in the long run, it just isn’t the way to go.
I don’t understand trolls though. never have, never will.
Issa, just know that writing is very good therapy! My sister (at 12 or so years old) was sent to therapy by our parents, and her therapist prescribed journaling. So keep doing what you’re doing and know that it is good for you. You’re exactly right: if the trolls don’t want to read it they can hit that little X in the corner and go away forever.
Hold in there. There are tons of people out there, people you don’t even know, who are cheering for you.
You’re a strong women who will be able to handle whatever life throws at you.
Therapy or no therapy; drugs or no drugs. You know what you need to do for yourself and that’s all that matters.
People are really great at diagnosing other people’s problems and telling you how to solve them, but most of the time they’re just avoiding their own issues. Screw them. This is your little spot in the universe and you can say and do whatever you want. If you’re pissed off, feel it. Own it. It’s the only way you’re going to start feeling better. If they don’t like it, they can go away. Personally, I like you and all of your depressing posts! xoxo
.-= Mo´s last blog ..No, Really, I’m NOT Judgemental. I Swear. =-.
Issa Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:53 am
@Mo, It’s like they think they are Dr. Freaking Phil, with all the dam answers. Dummies.
Good for you!! Shame on them!! You’re exactly right. This is YOUR blog. You can say or do what you want with it, and no one HAS to read. You’re not making anyone read it.
Standing up and clapping! (not really, but you get my drift) Go you!
.-= christy´s last blog ..Your Thursday Foo Fix =-.
Well that just PISSES ME OFF!! I’ve been in therapy for a YEAR, and I’m not cured! Obviously, I’ve been doing it WRONG!
heh. Well said, Issa. You keep on keepin’ on.
Issa Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:49 am
@Andrea’s Sweet Life, Maybe you need that magic therapist as well.
My mom is one. She swears the magic therapy pill doesn’t exist. But also that people always want it to be that. Dumb shits.
love you.
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..The Bliss Recap is on hold today due to a Lion =-.
I resisted therapy, oh did I resist it, and now I am an advocate. Magic pill? hell no. It sucks. I dread appointments because it means dealing with the shit but I am always glad I went when the 50 minutes are up (except the check writing part).
Had a bad therapist then a good therapist who isn’t good at everything but what I need her for, for me, right now, she works out well but damn she’s expensive! She also knows a lot of helpful tips and tricks and methods and supplements and how to deal with medication and how to deal with someone ON medication. Husband found her for him, and then he stopped wanting to talk about his childhood and stopped going, not realizing she helps with current stuff too (silly boy). He went yesterday, remembered how warm and comforting it is to talk to someone who is only there to listen and help.
We could go to someone our insurance covers, and we probably will, but when you find someone good, it’s really good.
Oh and the blog as therapy. It’s the main reason I don’t delete it (although I deleted it once, hence the “2″). I need to write more. It’s way cheaper.
.-= Cherry´s last blog ..Getting down to counting on fingers =-.
Issa Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:51 am
@Cherry, I dread it. Trust me. Each and every week, I dread it. Because it makes me feel worse for a day or two…but as weeks have gone on, it is helping.
I had a blog before. I just wasn’t careful about names and pictures, like I am not. The evil wicked step-monster found it and I ended up deleting it. Shrug. Happens.
BTW – Hi!
.-= Cherry´s last blog ..Getting down to counting on fingers =-.
Very well said. This is your place, your harbor in a storm. Much love to you today!
((HUGS)) sweetie. I’m so sorry that some people just suck.
.-= Karen Chatters´s last blog ..Outside of my confort zone =-.
I love you woman! Just keep working it through, hold on to your strength, and treat yourself well. Love yourself! You’re an awesome woman, worthy of the best this world has to offer. Delete the naysayers not only off your blog but out of your head! Great big hugs. xoxo
.-= Lex (@laprimera)´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – my angel =-.
Issa Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:52 am
@Lex (@laprimera), I’m trying Lex. I am definitely trying.
Aw now thats just awful, Issa. This IS your blog to write whatever you bloody well want. I think you are a very brave woman and you seem to be trying so hard to help yourself. I really admire you. Sending over hugs and warm wishes, girl.
.-= J from Ireland´s last blog ..Is it a good thing or a bad thing???? =-.
Very well said my friend! I’ve been in and out of therapy all my life, and it hasn’t “fixed” me but has given ms the tools needed to make it through tough things in my life. I applaud you for having somewhere to e honest and open! Forget the asses.
Also, send me an email when u have a second because I believe I’m moving close to you and maybe we can meet up. (only if it sounds ok to you) I wish you the best of luck on this journey and know I will be there to read and support you the
whole way!!!!! HUGS-***
.-= Laura´s last blog ..Baby & Mommy Update, Take a Guess? =-.