I worried. Worried about sharing my story with the world. I worried so much that I didn’t sleep the night before it was posted. At all.

When Maggie said, it’s your turn, are you ready, I said yes. Not because I really was though. It’s been six months since I wrote that post. I have wondered when my turn came, if I’d say no or yes, for six long months. Not a day went by without me wondering. Truth? Any other time, any other week in between the day I sent it to her and Sunday, I may have said no. On Sunday, in that moment, I said okay. Then I didn’t sleep.

I hid all day yesterday. I may hide more. I am afraid. I am vulnerable and that scares me. I put my deepest darkest secrets out into the world and it terrifies me. It shouldn’t. I’ve shared other things and you all have supported me. I have read each and every comment over there. Everyone has been sweet and kind. I’m still scared. This is different. This? I wish I didn’t even have to know, much less share it with everyone.

Six months ago I wrote that post. I wrote it because I was triggered. I wrote it because I had too. It was time. Time to be honest. Time to stop stuffing it. Time to learn to deal with it. It was one of the hardest things I ever did. I didn’t think I was strong enough to post it. I was grateful when Maggie said, it could be months before it goes up. I’m still not sure I’m strong enough to talk about it. I hit send that day, sent it to Maggie for VU, because a friends bravery made me think I may be strong enough.Then, because I was hysterical and needed to be talked of a ledge, I sent it to someone else. Then? I had to deal with it.

I’ve been in therapy ever since then. First to deal with the that, then to deal with my current situation. Both in fact. YAY me. Sigh.

I’ve been on the edge of tears for two days now. I can’t even tell you for sure why I’m writing this. Maybe its because writing helps me. Maybe it’s because I have a knack for feeling like I should explain or apologize. Maybe??? Who knows.

I apologize often. For everything. For nothing. For things I perceive to be failures on my part. For things I perceive that I’ve said badly. It annoys some people. I’ve actually lost friends because of it. I eventually have to tell friends, I say I’m sorry often, but I swear to you, I never say it if I don’t mean it. It’s just that I always feel I need to say I’m sorry about something.

It’s one of the many things that I do because of my childhood. I know this. I’ve been told this in therapy. Will I ever stop doing it? I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. I’m not sure that it matters. There are other things. Some small, some major. The thing is, it changed who I would become. From seven years old, I became a little adult. I had no choice. My choice was taken away.

You think you can stuff it away. That if you don’t talk about it, it isn’t real. That as long as you get up and live your life, you’ve done okay. I believed for years that as long as I protected my kids one day, none of this mattered. It isn’t true though. It changed me. Not dealing with it changed me. Dealing with it, these past six months has changed me again.
I thought I’d feel better sharing. Thought it would free me in some way. Make it somehow easier. Maybe in a day or two, or a week or two, this will be the case.

I’m worried. Worried that what I shared is too much. Worried that I burdened you all.

Mostly though, I’m scared. Scared that this forever changes how you will look at me, think about me. Others have shared and I have not felt different about them at all. Not in the least. I’ve always wondered if that’s because I understand. Because I get it. I get them. However, I’m still scared. Exposed. Tired. Scared.

I want to write a book. I’ll call it, Divorce for Dummies. I’ve tried to find something like it, but it doesn’t seem to exist, which means, I can write it. I think there is a need. There is a need for those of us who never thought we’d be in this situation, to know what to do next.

Maybe since the, For Dummies thing has been done by others, I’ll need to call it something else. Divorce 101? Divorce, the baby steps? Title needs work, but I’m not kidding on the book.

It’s the big things that people think about. The big huge emotional crap. The, how the hell did I get here and what did I do wrong? The, oh shit this is really my life now? Those are the big things that I think….okay obsessively think about. Because this isn’t easy. None of this is easy. I have no idea what I’m doing. The big stuff, I won’t write about. Because heck if I have any advice. I’ll leave that for shrinks and Dr. Phil. I’m just happy if I make it to the end of the day.

No, I won’t be writing about that. I’m talking about the small things. The things you wish someone would tell you. The things you have to figure out the hard way. The things you wouldn’t even think about. This is going to be a work in progress, because well I’m only five weeks into this shit. I’m not exactly the poster child for a successful divorce story yet. What I can do is share with you what I’ve learned so far.

1. ALWAYS and I do mean ALWAYS, check to make sure you have toilet paper before you go to the bathroom at night. In the day time, you may be able to scream for a kid. A kid who will make fun of you, but whatever, they’ll still bring you toilet paper. But it’s hard to scream at your children at 9pm for toilet paper, when they’ve been asleep for an hour. (Or when they are sleeping at their dad’s house.) Don’t think I didn’t consider it, because I did. Just trust me, check the toilet paper.

2. Sleep in the middle of the bed. Take up all the pillows. Enjoy all the blankies. Flop around. Kick your legs. Stretch your arms out. If you want, buy pretty girly sheets. Know why? Because you can. If you were used to the sound of light snoring and can’t seem to sleep, buy a noise machine, fall asleep to quiet music, something. Know that it takes a while to feel okay in the middle of the bed, but you’ll get there. It’s cozy there.

3. The remote is now yours. You can now DVR or watch whatever you want, whenever you want. Well unless you have an eight year old like mine…in which case, I KNOW YOUR PAIN. Ahem. It was really funny to me when I was talking to my bff one night and realized I hadn’t been watching CSI NY for years because Logan has issues with Gary Sinese. I’ve now been watching it for the past few weeks.

4. It’s okay. It’s all okay. It’s okay to cry for weeks. It’s okay to not cry. It’s okay to feed your kids cereal and grilled cheese for weeks. It’s okay to eat out, often. It’s okay to suddenly let your five year old into bed with you every single night if you want. It’s okay to not know what to do. It’s okay. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.

5. You will find yourself correcting your words all the time. You will think you need to say, I, me or my, instead of we all of the time. Yes, eventually you do. But not at first. I’ve been with Logan 16 years. Nearly 11 years of marriage. If it takes me a year to learn to say me, instead of we….well it’s just the way it is.

The small things. You don’t realized the small silly things you don’t do, don’t say, don’t watch because of the other person. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with it, when you are in a relationship. It’s the way it should be. Both parties tend to give up certain things, because it makes the other crazy. However, now I am single. Now, I can do those things. I’ll keep sharing as I come up with more.