I just came within a few minutes of deleting this blog. Of deleting my Twitter and Facebook accounts. I am truly still contemplating it. Would I have regretted it? I don’t know. Maybe. Probably.

I need a break. I’m taking a break before I do something that I’ll regret.

I’m tired. Tired of the constant drama. Tired of reading about branding and SEO’s and why I need to do this a certain way. Tired of watching the same trolls treat people like crap. The same dam trolls who ran off friends of mine, four years ago, are still terrorizing people. Just for kicks.

Tired of hearing about what people are selling or getting for free, instead of them sharing about their lives. Tired of contests that people never actually win on Twitter. I’m tired of writing a post and having it basically re-said somewhere else, by someone bigger and then watching everyone sing that persons praises for a week. I’m tired of caring about stuff like that. I shouldn’t care. But I do. I’m know that I’m a little bity nothing in the community. However, I wonder what it is about me that makes me un-linkable. I mean, sure write basically the same thing I did. Fine. But at least link to me. I know that I shouldn’t care. Heck, I like the person. It’s not the first time. In fact, it’s not even the first time in the past month.

I used to not care when this happened. I always say, I do this for me. I do this because I love it. Right now? I don’t love it. Right now, it’s not fun. I’m over all the drama. I don’t do this for money, I don’t care if I get free stuff. I promise, I don’t. But I do think that the blogging world has changed a lot in the past few years and maybe…maybe I just don’t belong in it anymore.

I used to love this space. I used to love coming here and writing. I loved reading what everyone else wrote. It seems like a big group of people who I used to talk too, who used to blog frequently are now barley around. People get busy, people get bored. It’s okay, it’s life. But right now, I am just not sure that I belong.

I’m sure I sound like a big ole hypocrite whiner. I guess if you’d like to call me that, you can. I’m sure I deserve it.

I’m going to take a break. Maybe a week. Maybe longer. I have two full time jobs to do next week and kids who are on spring break. That’s only part of the reason. Mostly I need to decide once and for all, to not care. To write because I want too, not because I care if people comment. To be truly okay with who I am in this community. To remember what it was that I loved about this. Until then? I’ll be taking a break.

*I’ve gone back and forth for ten minutes on closing comments. I am not, only because it makes me crazy when people do that.

It was brought to my attention last night by some amazingly awesome friends, that I will not get kicked of the island if I don’t figure my life out by the time I turn 30 in a month. Shocker, I know. Basically the consensus is I’m worrying about something that is completely mental. That I need to relax about it, because I really, truly have enough to worry about. Also? That I’m not the only one who had no clue what they wanted to do at 30 years old. Which really is good to know, because I’ve been freaking out for days now. This is why one needs great friends. Friends to listen to you whine and cry, who will also tell you to CHILL OUT ALREADY!

My mother asked me yesterday what I wanted for my birthday. Of course in that moment had no idea, however I’ve managed to think of some things. To move the last three posts down a bit (Because holy cow, hai depression. Sorry friends. Today really is a better day. Promise.), I’ve decided to post this magnificent list for you all. Because really, it may be a bit more than my mother can handle. Maybe some of you can help her out? I know you are all just itching to get me birthday presents. Anyway…

1. An island. Preferably a warn, sunny, beautiful, relaxing, great beach island. With cabana boys, drinks in coconuts and a free Starbucks.

2. The winning Power Ball numbers. Because I’d like to be independently wealthy.

3. My own private jet that will fly me wherever I want to go, whenever I want to go.

4. A House Elf.

5. An iPhone. Oh and a Kindle too. While I’m on this subject, a new Mac laptop, one that doesn’t over heat and need a time out after 40 minutes would be nice too.

6. A brand new house, with a huge kitchen and all new furniture.

7. For all my closest friends to live on the same block as me.

8. A Hawaiian vacation. Two weeks would be lovely.

9. A trip to London.

Nine sounds like a nice round number, so I’ll stop there for now. Let me know if you have any questions whatsoever.

I haven’t been online in days. Haven’t done so much as open Twitter. Haven’t played Bejeweled. Not read a single blog post in days. I didn’t actually miss it. I may go a few more days. I may not. Who knows? I don’t suppose it matters either way. Right now, I’m feeling sort of burned out.

Two days isn’t really a big deal though, this I do know. However it’s been a long time since I’ve done that. Especially on a weekend, where I don’t have the kids. I’ve gone weeks before. I always come back. I always miss it. Eventually.

Last week was filled with big drama online. Internet trolls doing their thing. Not here luckily, but still, it seemed like they were everywhere. Last week seemed to be the week, where people finally got tired of it and started fighting back. It was interesting, to say the least. Last week, there were some articles written on blogging and mother’s who blog, some trying to make us all look like fools. Trying to make it seem like we all ignore our children for social media. Makes me laugh in some ways, annoys the shit out of me in others. I’d talk more about it, but others have done a much better job then I could even pretend to do. Another article, I believe, actually getting why we all do this. Why we all put ourselves out there for the world to see. Written by someone who seemed to understand the community aspect of it.

Needless to say, the last week was tiring. Keeping up with everything that was going on was tiring. Didn’t help that I’ve been sick for weeks. Today is the first day in three weeks that I haven’t felt like crap. Guess that second round of antibiotics is doing the trick.

I am an over thinker. A worrier. It’s just part of my nature. I’ve been thinking this past week, what I am putting out into this community. Is it too little? Too much? Do I spend too much time on Twitter? I have no real answers. Like I said, it probably doesn’t matter.

On Friday, I spent a few hours going through old posts of other people’s from the previous year. I wanted to submit a few for BlogHer’s Voice’s of the Year. I managed to submit a few, although I could have submitted a ton more, but I tried to only submit posts of people who are attending the conference. (Actually, I should check on that. It was the rule last year, may not be this year.) It sort of made me wonder though, what of importance have I written in the past year. Nothing, was the answer I came up with. Which really is okay. I’m okay with what I’ve written this past year. I’ve needed this space to be like therapy. It has been, you all have supported me in this. I adore each of you for that. I do know that I’ve written nothing meaningful this past year.

It’s funny, I was just wondering if I’d have anything to talk about. If my words even matter, in the sea of better written words. Then I opened my reader (mostly to check out Post Secret) and happened to read my friend Stacey’s post. I doubt it was written with me in mind at all, but it helped me in the moment. It helped me to open up this page and see if I could write at all. It made me remember why I continue to do this. For me, for her, for all of you. If my words matter to one person, maybe that is enough.

Maybe in some way, my words do matter.

Taking your children to the park in the wind, even though the wind makes your ear hurt.

Taking your daughters to lunch and to a movie, even though you are sick and cranky and you’d liked to have stayed in bed. Because you’ve realized in the past few months, that only having your kids half the time means that you need to suck it up and enjoy the time with them.

Ignoring the fact that you swore no children would ever sleep with you, each night at 2am when a certain cuddly five year old climbs into your bed.

Laughing at the thoughts about parenting that you had before actually bringing said children home.

Going and getting your son out of his crib at 7am on a Sunday. Not because you want to be up, nor because he wouldn’t have played in the crib. No, you do it because you like that quiet one on one time with your toddler. Also? You seriously hope that he already hasn’t woken up his sisters with his chatter.

Being willing to learn new skills, such as giving your toddler three M&M’s while you clip his toenails and clean out his ears. Being thrilled when this keeps the screaming away. (Thanks Liz.)

Knowing that after eight and a half years of parenthood, you still can learn new parenting skills.

Forgiving yourself for yelling at a grouchy child, when you were grouchy as well. It also means apologizing to said child when she gets home from school.

Being a mom means trying your best and knowing sometimes your best isn’t good enough. However being a mom also means, you get to try again tomorrow.

I’ve been doing this a long time. Two and a half years this go round, two years the first time. I took an 18 month break in between. (Which had absolutely nothing to do with this community and everything to do with my family issues in the moment.) That is pretty much ancient in blogger years. I’ve watched a ton of amazing bloggers shut down. I’ve seen people just disappear. I’ve made friends, lost friends. I’ve been treated like I don’t exist, I’ve treated others that way I’m sure and I know I said somethings over the years that I wish I could take back.

This is a big community. A great big, amazingly awesome community. It also has it’s downfalls. Just like anything, I suppose.

I have, in the past week, read six different posts about people who feel left out. People who were saying they don’t get included. People saying that they don’t get comments, that they don’t get invited to events, that there is no way for them to have the friendships that some of us do. On Twitter, it’s the ever popular emu attitude: no one talks to me, no one responds to me, no one is reading my post. I guess, I’ll just go because I’m not really here.

Can I be honest here for a second? It’s driving me freaking insane. I am  tired of it. Seriously, I’ve seen all of this in the past week.

I want to scream at people, this is not High School. This community is what you make of it. You find your people, if you are genuine and patient and friendly. It does not necessarily come easy. You surly can’t expect it to happen.

But the jealous, poor pitiful me, I am so unpopular and nobody likes me posts are annoying. It reminds me of that song, nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms. My five year old likes to sing that song…mostly to taunt her big sister. She’s generally holding out a worm as she sings it.

Those posts were annoying five years ago and they are still annoying today. Maybe it was BlogHer selling out of tickets last week, that has made all of that talk start. Maybe it’s something else. I’m not really sure. I don’t think all of us should not be allowed to talk about BlogHer though, because other people don’t like it.

It’s made me pull back a bit this week. It, along with some other things have made me a little gun shy. Gave me a bit of writer’s block. I think the reason is because I’m wanting to say some things that may make me very unpopular. It’s okay. I don’t mind. I am tired of being nice and ignoring it.

Obligations. Big bloggers. Small bloggers. Popular. Interesting words that seem to be thrown around a lot lately. Especially in the past week or so. Loralee wrote an amazing post on the subject at BlogHer this week. It’s well worth the read. Her previous one was on jealousy, which I found even more interesting. Truly the comments over there are enlightening.

Personally, I think that people expect too much. You start a blog, you comment elsewhere, you hope people comment on your blog. You start a Twitter account and chat with people, but somehow they still don’t come and read your blog. I can’t tell you why. I can tell you that you can’t expect it to happen. You can’t force it to happen. You can’t force online friendships. If you try, you just come off as whiny and annoying.

I have been accused of being elitist this week. I’ve lost a friendship, because I wasn’t willing to let something go that I felt wasn’t okay. I’ve also been made to feel guilty, for basically being me. Each of those things, by a different person. I guess I could take it really personally. Some would. Mostly it made me wonder about what peoples expectations of me were. It made me wonder who feels I’m obligated to do things, because I have tons of ‘friends’ online. It made me wonder, if people feel that I owe them something, then imagine how many people someone like Her Bad Mother or Redneck Mommy or say Dooce have thinking that they are somehow owed.

I don’t know that I have any answers for that. I can however, tell you what I know.

Making friends online? Takes time. Just like in real life. Because guess what? This is real life. You will click with some people, you won’t with others. Some will think that they “know” you, because of what you share online. That doesn’t necessarily make it true.

I blog because I love to write. I love the online community that I’ve found. I adore the friends that I’ve made. I love commenting, I love comments.

I comment on “popular” blogs. I comment when I want too. I don’t when I don’t. I comment when I have something to say. I comment on some, because I’ve been reading them forever. I do not expect a return comment. If some of them read my words over here, that is great. Do I tweet at people who never tweet back at me, yes. I do. I tweet at people who don’t follow me. I’m okay with it. I only say something, if I have something to say. I also happen to be very wordy.

I also comment on blogs that no one else reads….yet. I only read people, if I want too.  I read some blogs that I never comment on. I sometimes comment on blogs that I don’t have in my reader.

I have trouble keeping up with my reader. I have friends on Twitter whose blogs I don’t read. I have trouble reading what my friends write, much less being able to physically read every blog written by someone who comments or tweets at me. It is not possible.

I have a lot of online friends. I have a lot of online acquaintances. There is a difference.

I have friends who I could text, email or call at anytime. However some of those people? I can go weeks without talking too. My friend Kari and I can literally go weeks without talking. However, I’ll be sharing a bed with her at BlogHer in August. She is someone I’d call to help me hide a body, if the need every came up. It’s just life. She’s busy, I’m busy. I know where she is though, if I needed her.

I have two friends, best friends, who I talk to all the dang time. They mean the world too me. I don’t know what I’d do without them. I would do just about anything for them. The fact that we happened to meet online, stopped mattering long ago. It took me a long time to find them though.

I am going to BlogHer this summer because I want to see my friends. A lot of people say they think BlogHer is so clique. I was there last year, I didn’t see that. What I saw was people spending time with their friends. I went up to many big name bloggers and said hi. Every single one of them was nice too me. I introduced myself to many people who had no idea who I was. I was thrilled when some people did know who I was.

The people who came home and complained? I truly feel that they expected too much. They also expected people to not want to spend time with their friends and only spend time meeting new people. It’s never going to be that way. Some of us will only see our friends this one weekend a year. Think about that for a second before you take it all so personally.

I was nice to every single person who came up and talked too me. I still spent the majority of time with my friends. But hey, I made new friends while there too.

I use Twitter to talk to my friends. I would not expect anyone else to use Twitter in any way, than how they want too.

Just because you come here and read my words, doesn’t mean you know me. You know parts of me, yes. I share more than some people do. It still doesn’t mean you should expect me to do anything, except be a decent human being. It also doesn’t mean that you can come and tell me what to do, or how to be online. I’m a Taurus. I don’t like being told what to do. If we are friends, or you comment often, I love hearing your opinion. But the random people who show up and like to tell me what I should be doing? Are not okay. It’s just not okay.

Here’s the thing I guess I’m going to end this long rambly post with. We are all adults. Adults with lives offline. Spouses, children, jobs, responsibilities. You can’t expect this to be people’s only life. Those few people, who get paid enough to call this their job, are few and far between. It still doesn’t mean they are obligated in some way to each person who reads their words. Blogging by in large is still a hobby.

This community is great. I don’t know where I’d be without it. I’ve spent a lot of years in it. But it is what you make of it. It is not High School. It’s not. Those who act like it is, need to realize it is them who believes it is. It is them who makes it feel that way.