Truly. I thought that I’d finally fully lost my marbles, as I sat having Sunday brunch with my kids and their dad. On his weekend. Yeah. Insane is the thing that made sense to me.
He’d texted me early in the morning. The kids and I are going to (insert name of our favorite brunch restaurant here) and wondered if you’d like to join us. I considered ignoring the text. I considered replying no thank you, see you at 4pm when you bring the kids home. Instead, I said yes. In that moment, my reasoning on saying yes, was mostly my wanting to see my kids….and wanting french toast. They do make some amazing french toast.
After brunch I took myself to a movie, then went to the grocery store and went home to do laundry. (I lead a very exciting life, yo.)
It wasn’t until I got home and said on Facebook that I’d gone to brunch with my ex and saw some of the responses, that I started thinking about what I’d really done. Not that I was insane, although I still fully support this theory. No, it was the, I just did something for my kids, that I’ve wanted for 25 years and will never get. I acted like an adult. Logan acted like an adult. We put aside our issues and hurt feeling, for our kids. For an hour and a half, we sat in a restaurant. Together. With our kids.
I have two pictures of my parents together. One from their wedding (people, always hire a wedding photographer, serious) and the other is a real shitty picture of me with them, when I was about two years old. That’s it. They were married eleven years (yes, I see the similarities, trust me) and those are the only two pictures. To be fair, there are tons of pictures of my first few years of life. Tons with my mom, some with my dad, boxes of me doing exciting things like spitting up. No others of them together. If I close my eyes and think really hard, I remember them together. Only in a few memories though. Honestly? I’m not sure those are real, they may be memories I made up. Most of my memories of childhood, even from the time they were together, is with one of them. I’ve separated them in my mind. Life with mom, life with dad. No crossovers.
At my wedding they sat at separate tables. At my graduation they sat rows apart. Nothing they’ve ever said about each other, in my life time, has been nice. Nothing.
I think that if it weren’t for my step-mom this would be different. She’s an evil-hose-beast. However, I have no way of knowing for sure.
I’ll be 30 years old in April and I’ve long since given up hope of my parents every acting like they once loved each other. My only proof is a picture of them cutting their wedding cake. Her in a violet colored dress, him with long hippie hair. It’s the way they are touching each others hands; the way he is smiling at her; the way her eyes are sparkling. My proof, that once, thirty-seven years ago, they did love each other.
I don’t want that for my kids. As much as it pains me to be around Logan right now, especially after last week being what it was, I will continue to on occasion, still do things with him. Small doses, yes. Because I’m hurt and I’ve not figured out how not to love him. But I’ll do things anyway. Because my kids are worth it.
I don’t want Bailey to have to close her eyes and think hard to find a memory with us both in it. She, at five years old, is the exact age I was when my parents divorced. I don’t want Morgan to wonder which of us to invite to dinner with her first love or in her first home one day. Or to wonder where to have to seat us at her wedding, because she knows we won’t speak at all, if placed at the same table. I don’t want Harrison to ever have to wonder if we loved each other when he was born, to wonder if we ever were happy together.
Maybe I’m insane, maybe I’m deluding myself. However, I have this hope that I can save my kids a tiny bit of the drama I’ve lived through. We’ll see.
Yesterday though? I choose to put aside my feelings for an hour and a half. For them.
44 Responses to Funny, but I thought I had lost my mind
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I think you’ve got it all figured out… Your children will treasure the fact that their parents put aside their issues to do things for them. Parent together, not apart, and they will reap the benefits.
You’re a fabulous mother.
.-= Marla´s last blog ..The Road Less Traveled =-.
Issa Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 9:54 am
@Marla, Oh no, I don’t. I am putting off the illusion that I do. One day, I’ll figure it out.
Marla Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 10:01 am
@Issa, Well, in that case, fake it until you make it.
.-= Marla´s last blog ..…I really love photography. =-.
I think what you did yesterday for your kids is truly awesome. My parents had a very strained relationship after their divorce. The were civil when face to face but hardly had a nice thing to say about each other when apart. Your kids will truly appreciate this one day.
You are strong and amazing and an awesome mom.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..11 Years: A Sad Anniversary =-.
Issa Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 9:54 am
@Lisa, Thank you Lisa.
Kudos to you! I firmly believe that if both parents are involved with raising children, they should have at least a civil relationship if not a friendship. Having parents who are not together but still get along is so much better for the kids than parents who refuse to be together in the same room or who fight all the time.
Best of luck to you!
Issa Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 9:55 am
@Momma Bear, Thank you. That is my goal. To maintain a decent relationship with him.
I’ve typed and deleted, typed more and deleted more. Because? You already know how fantastic this is/will be for your children. You know it’s right, and I’m guessing it is near the top of the pile as far as tough things to do goes. But you did it, and you’ll do it again. For your children. You, Issa, are fantastic.
Issa Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 9:57 am
@Joy, Thanks Joy. In some ways, it was harder than I thought it would be and in some ways easier. It will get easier as time goes on.
First of all people, THIS is how you do divorce in this century. Issa you guys are SO Bruce and Demi and your kids will be forever grateful. I could sit here and praise you from here to tomorrow, seriously. You are an amazing mother. This is just what I was talking about in my email…”breaking the cycle.” That’s awesome and so are you. Do you sweat rainbows? Because I am pretty sure you do.
.-= Lu´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday and more because I can’t be wordless. =-.
Issa Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 9:58 am
@Lu, Gah, Lu, I hope so.
The thing is, I don’t know what I’m doing, but I do know what I don’t want to do. That is my motivator.
I poop unicorns. Is that close enough?
That is the definition of a great Mommy.
: )
Being civil for the kids is how every divorced/separated couple should be. It will get easier as time passes.
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..Horses, Cowboys & Fried Food; OH MY… =-.
Issa Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 10:04 am
@AmazingGreis, I really hope so friend, I really hope.
What you did for them is good thing. You are still in pain and yet, you put that aside for your kids. I hope it gets easier soon. Even though I’m still in a relationship. We had our outs with lapses in between. It’s so hard and I’m just glad you have close friends to talk with. You are truly lucky. There are always an extra set of ears here too if you need them.
Issa Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 10:05 am
@mel, Thank you.
I think it will get easier. One day.
I’m one of the players in the adult side of this. Yes, it’s hard, but what’s an afternoon of smiles and pleasantries to create happy memories for your children? Nothing. We’ve all got it in us. You did the right thing.((IS))
.-= Headless Mom´s last blog ..Five Dollar Foot Long =-.
Issa Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 10:10 am
@Headless Mom, You know, it wasn’t quite as hard as I thought it would be. The thing is, I know exactly what I don’t want to have happen, so that drives me a bit.
As crazy as it feels for me to say this, I wish more than anything that we could sit down with my stepson’s mom and have a civilized breakfast. That we could be in the same room without the cloud of tension descending. That we could have a birthday party together. I wish I didn’t know how torn Aaron will be for the rest of his life.
What you did was so much more than just brunch. I’m glad you realize it, insane or not.
Issa Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 10:11 am
@Allyson, It doesn’t sound crazy honey. Not at all. I get it, you know I do. I see it from both sides now and it sucks.
I do see what I did, I just hope I can keep making the right choices.
you know what? i think you did the right thing. People say our family is so different because all the ex’s get together for events. hubs’ mom and dad, while divorced, come to the girls’ parties and events. and they’re civil and smile and laugh together. hubs’ brother’s ex wife is invited to things still because it’s her day to have their son and we don’t want her to miss out. i think you did a great thing for your kids. and for you, believe it or not. xo
.-= Becky @TheRealBecks´s last blog ..A weekend of firsts =-.
Issa Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 10:15 am
@Becky @TheRealBecks, Logan has a cousin, one who divorced when her girls were very little. Now they are teens. However, the parents still get along. They are both remarried, but they see each other at events, family functions. They truly share their kids and their kids lives. This? Is what I am going for.
Good for you. Its hard to be the grown up sometimes but your kids will appreciate this so much. It will get easier with time.
You are amazing.
.-= But Why Mommy´s last blog ..What Its Like =-.
Issa Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 10:20 am
@But Why Mommy, Being a grown up is hard all the time.
I’m sure there will be days when it will be easier to be an adult about the situation than others. But the fact that you’re motivated to continue doing so is very telling on the type of mother you strive to be.
Issa Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 10:21 am
@Tony, Thanks Tony. I’m trying to make it up as I go along.
Although it is quite possible you are insane (after all we do seem to get along and like mind and all?), but really what you did was fantastic. My parents divorced when I was 9 (after 11 yrs of marriage)and both remarried shortly thereafter. They shared joint custody of all three of us kids. They (and their new spouses) worked very hard to maintain a civil relationship and always were there for us. As an adult, now, I know it wasn’t always easy for them to do that. There was hurt, anger, and bitterness. But I am so glad they did. For all our sakes and for THEIR sakes.
Now, with five kids, 11 grandkids and 3 greatgrandkids we can all join together for important events and it is a joyous and comfortable time for every one. And I remember, as a kid (like graduation) when I said I wanted a picture of me with my mom and my dad? No one ever said or made me feel like that was bad or uncomfortable. They just stood on either side of me and smiled.
What a tremendous gift you are giving your kids. Really.
.-= Vixen´s last blog ..And The Winner Is… =-.
Issa Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 10:24 am
@Vixen, I have always wanted a new picture of my mom, dad and me. Will never happen. I’d have to photoshop it.
I don’t think it’s crazy at all. My parents are 63 and 57 and still can’t be in the same room together. It’s stressful and anxiety-inducing for my sisters and I. It’s not fair that we have to suffer because they can’t act like grown ups.
Issa Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 10:26 am
@Kelly, My dad won’t ever really know my kids. He’s only seen Harrison once, in nearly 18 months of life.
You do write from your heart. You are a gorgeous soul. I never, ever doubted that you will do whatever it takes for your children.
I love you and I can’t wait to put my arms around you and squeeze the stuffing out of you in August. Then, we’ll sneak up on Marinka and double hug her and give her something horrible to blog about
Issa Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 10:29 am
@anymommy, I can’t wait. I owe you like 52 hundred hugs. You know Marinka really loves hugs….she just pretends not too.
This resonates with me. I see my nephews trying to navigate these difficult waters at only 6 and 4 years old, and it breaks my heart, from over here in my corner where my family is luckily, thankfully, intact.
Do whatever it takes, Issa. Parents always tell their children that the breakup had nothing to do with them, but here you have the chance to walk the walk.
Walk it with an open heart and a head held high, and you will do your babies proud.
Good on ya.
Issa Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 10:30 am
@kootnygirl, Thank you. I’m trying.
My parents divorced when I was five, too, and I have only one memory of them happy together, and one big one of them fighting, and all the rest of it is thema voiding each other. At my wedding, or my mom not attending my kid’s birthday party. And right now we’re living in a fam house and I’m not allowed to have my dad visit. It’s sad. So it’s great that you are trying to avoid that!
.-= Antropologa´s last blog ..Togetherness =-.
Issa Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 10:35 am
@Antropologa, Yeah, that sounds very familiar.
It makes me try to be better, ya know?
I think you’re amazing.
As long as you can do something like this – breakfast perhaps – and not come home and fall apart because it’s messed with you or exhausted you or overwhelmed you then I say go for it. If it takes longer to recover from the encounter than the encounter itself lasted, then maybe it wouldn’t be such a good idea. But it sounds like you were OK.
(Just know that you don’t *have* to be OK, all the time.)
xoxo
Issa Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 10:36 am
@Undomestic Diva, I didn’t Megan. I didn’t even fall apart. For once…in oh 3 months.
I won’t do it often…but sometimes, it is doable. Or that’s what I know in this moment.
what I wouldn’t give for my parents to be together in the same room. My mom is totally fine with it, my bio dad on the other hand. I wish that they would at least make an effort with the grandkids, but heck, he has been at this avoid my ex and spew my hatred for her for the last near 30 years….why stop now for them.
Honey, I am so happy that you guys were able to do this…for them.
xo
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Weekly Winners-My baby sister is engaged Edition =-.
Issa Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 10:37 am
@Domestic Extraordinaire, Me too friend, me too. I’d give just about anything to go back in time and see then happy and together once. Because I know it won’t happen in the future.
You are doing wonderful things for your children and eventually you too.
My parents were more than civil after divorcing. It was rocky between them at first but they were parents together and we never had to choose nor be part of their drama – we weren’t their friends and they did not discuss their negativity with each other with their kids.
After my Mom left, that first Christmas she spent the night on Christmas Eve (on the couch – no confusion for anyone) so she could be there in the morning.
When my Mom met someone that she thought was serious, she apparently told them that in order to be with her he had to accept that she was good friends with her ex-husband and he would be over and they would go to his house. If he couldn’t stand it, they would need to stop seeing each other.
When she remarried her husband and my Dad (her ex-husband) became friends. When my Dad had a stroke and his bathroom had to be redone or the hospital would send him to a nursing home – it was my Mom’s husband who stayed up 72 hours straight and oversaw the construction and a few years later he was a pallbearer at my Dad’s funeral.
I never gave it much thought at all until I became an adult and had friends with such awful decisions to make and resentments all around regardless of their choices, having separate families, etc… – only then did I realize what a gift my parents gave to us.
What a gift you are giving your children, your ex, yourself – your family.
.-= GreenInOC´s last blog ..Congressman Campbell, Your Rock At Scorekeeping! Advocating For The People? Eh, Not So Much… =-.
Issa Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 10:39 am
@GreenInOC, It’s almost unheard of. Truly. Your parents are a great example of what’s possible if people just grow up and put their differences aside for their kids.
Gah, this made me cry. It’s what I want for my kids. It’s what I wanted for me and I can’t have that…but I can try to make it okay for them.
My parents divorced while I was in high school. Following the divorce they always got along great in front of my sister and I and I don’t remember them ever saying anything negative about the other in front of us. However, they can now barely stand to be in each other’s presence, don’t say anything nice about the other and my sister and I have to be careful what we say about the other around one of them. The saddest part of this all, though, is that planning my wedding is what pushed them so far apart.
For your kids sake, I applaud you and your husband’s ability to have breakfast together and hope you are able to keep that civility for a long, long time.
.-= Jenn H.´s last blog ..Three Years =-.
Beautifully written, classy and wonderful. It will mean the world to your children someday, as I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you. My stepmother was a hosebeast too. But my father couldn’t do what you did at brunch and be a grownup. We no longer have a relationship of any kind, by my choosing.
I also love that you take yourself to movies. It is one of the best experiences as a single woman.