I sit around a lot. I play a ton of Bejeweled. I watch a ton of TV. I turned back on my Netflix account, just to have new movies to watch. Basically, I don’t know what to do without them. I don’t know what to do with myself when my kids are with their dad. I don’t know who I am without them.
I’ve spent my entire life with someone. First my parents and siblings. With two little brothers, I was never alone as a child. My mom’s best friend was a single mom, with kids the same age as us. James and Meredith practically lived with us half the time. Everything we did as kids, they and their mother were invited. Vacations, BBQs, dinners out, trips to the park. Everything was done by committee. Everything was fairly split between five children. I was never alone. Even though I’m the only girl in my family, I had two beds in my room. One for me and one for Meredith. That’s how much time we spent together.
I went to the college that Logan and my friends went too. Part of me wanted to go away, to go to Santa Cruz. I had applied and I did get in. But the reality was, it seemed too scary. I didn’t know what I wanted to study and I knew I’d possibly not make it a semester alone before coming home. So I didn’t even bother.
I married young. I have spent the last 11 years in a give and take relationship. Decisions were made together. Mostly at least. We had kids young. It was just the thing that came naturally for us. Everything since has been as a family.
Movie nights, game nights, vacations, shopping for birthday gifts, sharing cleaning and child wrangling, fighting over who has to freaking pick already which restaurant we are going to. You know, life. Life as a family.
Now, it’s just me. I do not know how to be alone. I am nearly thirty years old and I’ve never been alone. Now I am. Half of the time. It sucks. I hate it. I’m past the point of it making me completely panicked, which is a good thing. I take myself to movies on the weekends when I don’t have the kids. I clean the house. I do the laundry. I run as many errands as I can handle. I don’t sit at home and cry all weekend. I am improving. On the weekends and nights I have them, I give in too easily. I try to make it as fun as possible. I’m working on it, but it’s hard not too, because I don’t have them all the time. I know that Logan is fighting with the same thing. We luckily keep them on the exact same schedule, so that’s something at least.
But it’s hard. Hard to know who I am without them. I am not sure I want to know who I am without them. In fact, I know at this moment, that I don’t. I know that sounds bad. I’m sure it’s not very progressive or whatever.
I don’t care though. Not yet. Right now, I just wait. I wait for my heart, my three little loves to come home to me.
19 Responses to I wait
Grab My Button!
I’m a joiner
I think you are doing remarkably well given the situation, and I am pretty sure I would not be doing well. You are strong and smart and my hero.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..The Truth Hurts =-.
Oh, I wish we lived closer.
Finding out who you are takes lots of time. You will get there. Right now, you are who you need to be, and that’s a mom. I’m not saying you aren’t more than that, because I know you are. One day you’ll know it too.
Love you. xoxo
.-= avasmommy´s last blog ..Twenty Questions =-.
You’re on a journey right now to really get to know this Issa gal and there’s no need to rush anything. I think it’s pretty cool that you’re willing to stand there and admit to all of us – and to yourself – that you’re still figuring her out. This is a hard thing for a lot of people. All I can say for sure is I’m willing to bet that the more you get to know her, the more and more you’ll really, truly like her.
I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you… Maybe you should get a dog? They have TONS of wonderful adult dogs that are already potty trained out there. A pet that is your constant companion when the kids are gone might be exactly what you need. Of course, if you already have a dog, this might be a silly comment.
heck, even with my girls I had to learn who I was. I can say that at least you are getting comfortable with being by yourself. I used to hate it and would be friends with whomever, just so I didn’t have to be alone. Now I kind of enjoy the silence during the day and the time I have to myself.
Not that I wouldn’t wish for things to be different, for your heart to have not shattered for you to have gone through this. But finding out who you are, when you are ready, isn’t a bad thing.
Love you girlie.
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Flashback Friday-The Closet Edition =-.
I think you’ve seen some of my recent blog posts-even with my kids around all the time, I’m struggling to figure out who I am. I am so much more than just a mommy. I just don’t know what! It’ll come. We’ll both figure it out. And in the meantime, we’ll both watch lots of TV.
.-= Bridget´s last blog ..Contentment =-.
One thing I plan to encourage my daughter to do is live alone before she gets married or moves in with a long-term partner. I have only lived alone for one month out of my whole life, but it was glorious and I often go back to that place in my mind when I need to center myself. I hope that you eventually find some type of freedom or release in knowing that, for those few days, you only have yourself to worry about.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Green excitement =-.
This post is the opposite of the one I just wrote! I can’t seem to get any time alone!
You don’t have to figure it all out right now. This is going to take some time and that’s okay. Eventually, you’ll find out who YOU are and what you want to do. This is all still new, and even though this is coming out of something bad, you have an awesome opportunity to turn it into something good. For you. Because right now? You need to be a little bit about you!
xo
.-= Mo´s last blog ..While The Husband Is Away…This Wife Don’t Get To Play =-.
omg im slobbering..
and do you use sparboe farm eggs? I used to use those too
Pamela Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 11:55 pm
@Pamela, ok Issa youre going to have to forgive me.. because this comment was supposed to go to the CAKE post.. and not this one…
which makes me sound like an insensitive jerkface
.-= Pamela´s last blog ..For my Birthday… =-.
I often wonder how i’d be because I’ve never been alone either. I’ve never had my own room…never had my own space. I’ve always shared my life with siblings and then hubs and then my babies. I think you’re handling it awesomely.
I would be the same way Issa. The exact same way. You are improving and doing better and as long as you move forward even just a little (which you have a lot)you are doing fine. There is no guidelines to this. You do just have to follow your heart and give it time. I know TIME SUCKS. But that’s what it will take. Until then please be proud of how far you have come in a short time. Love you. xoxo
The progress you have made by actually the house is something to be proud of. I don’t know what to say except you are doing more than I think I would be capable of in this situation. hugs
I don’t know what to say. But I can offer virtual hugs. ((hugs)) And, I hope that you can turn this time into something that you can enjoy, rather than simply get through.
I loved the years of my life that I spent alone, but I’m not sure how I would handle it now, if my kids and husband were suddenly just not there anymore. I think you’re doing a lot better than I would be.
It is still very, very raw. You will find your way. Be open to it, and go with your instincts. You’ll find it.
.-= kootnygirl´s last blog ..little white lies =-.
Oh, honey. You can’t be anyone but who you are, and that person is a mother whether the kids are with you or not.
Hugging you from afar.
Oh Issa my heart breaks for you! I wish I some words of encouragement, but I’m afraid it’ll just take even more time. At least you’re not panicky anymore. I’m SURE you’ve thought of this – but enroll in a class – exercise, art, etc – that you can do when they’re gone. Getting out of the might be good for you. Also, I just read the Modern Love column in today’s New York Times. It was written by a divorced woman with kids who shares custody…she had some interesting ideas on life with her exhusband and her kids – you might enjoy reading it too. Hope you have a good weekend!
.-= christy´s last blog ..Five GREAT Things Friday =-.
Don’t you worry a single second about someone else’s definitions or who they think you should be. I would be lost if I had to find myself without Matt and my kids. I know you will, because you are amazing, but it will take time and that is okay. XO.
My friends who are divorced have found that they are super productive during their “non-kid” times, giving them way more quality time when they are with their kids. Small consolation, I know…
On finding out who you are without them…I think you’ll discover the joy of slowly uncovering you, and it will only make you a better Mom.
xoxo
.-= Kari´s last blog ..The winter of our unemployment =-.