It comes and goes. The sadness. The grief. There are days, even sometimes days in a row, where I am okay with my life. Days where I wake up in a good mood. Days where the world seems sunny. Days where I get tons done. Where my kids seem happy and I feel happy.
Then I wake up in a panic at 2am one morning and I realize it’s all gone. Everything I’ve spend 11 years creating is gone. It hits me like a ton of bricks. This is my life now. This isn’t a phase. This isn’t going to change. This is real. It literally hurts me to breath. I can feel my heart breaking all over again. I over think and over think and then? I over think some more. I can’t seem to stop it. Today is one of those days. Yesterday was one of those days.
I just want to give up. I want to run away. I am having a hard time seeing any good. In anything. It sucks. There is no way around that, it just plain sucks.
I think about the fact that in a month and a day, I’m going to be 30 years old. Every single thing that I thought my life would be now, when I was 20 years old, isn’t here. I feel like a failure. I feel like I wasted 10 years of my life. I don’t even know what I want to do with myself now. I feel like at the very least, I should by now have some semblance of a clue. But I’ve got nothing.
It just plain sucks. Today just sucks.
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Sending hugs and positive vibes your way today Iss. And no, you haven’t wasted the last ten years of your life… You created three amazing humans who love you very deeply, and that will NEVER change- they will always need you. You are an incredible mom, and soon enough, you will figure out the rest of who you are, and I’m sure that will be incredible too. You can’t force yourself to heal any faster than your heart lets you… I wish I could give you a REAL hug today!
.-= Jaden´s last blog ..(Mostly) Wordless Wednesday #27- Four Generations =-.
Issa Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 9:24 am
@Jaden, Thank you friend.
I hope I figure it out soon. Until then? I’ll just keep moving forward.
You said it yourself—it comes and goes. It’ll go away again. Pretty soon it’ll come less frequently. I agree with Jaden—the last 10 years have not been wasted. You have adorable children and you are the most important person in their lives, and you are an amazing, honest writer. You will move forward and you will find your place and figure out who you are and who you want to be. I could be all cliche about it and remind you how exciting that is, but I’ll just offer you a virtual hug instead!
xoxo
Issa Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 9:23 am
@Mo, I’ll take a hug.
It’s not every day now, so that is a big improvement. I keep being reminded, think of how bad it was in January. Am getting there. Slowly. But I am.
Sweet lady, I wish I could say I don’t understand, but I do. I totally do. If I could take it away I would. And what you feel – the rollercoaster effect – up and down – it’s the unfortunate part of grieving – you don’t always know what that day or moment will hold. I was married thirteen years and I find myself wondering if I wasted that time too – but NO, it’s not wasted – you have YOU, beautiful you, and you have your children, and nothing could ever not be worth that, even the breath stealing pain you feel some days. It takes time, patience and knowing that it will ebb and flow. One instant on Friday, had me suckerpunched out of the blue – just when I feel I’m doing some healing. It just comes – the pain and the days when your world feels OK again – but the good news is the bad ones become less and the good ones increase. Any time you ever need to email or vent, please know that I care about what you’re going through and am here in any capacity. And keep wirting, it’s therapeutic.
So sorry that this hurtful rollercoaster has happened to you, but you are young, strong, a woman, a loving human being and mother and you will see happiness again, I know it.
Love and hugs,
Tricia xx
.-= Tricia ´s last blog ..Singleness of Purpose =-.
Issa Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 9:21 am
@Tricia, It made me realize, I’m not ready to not go to therapy each week. So…I went back today. Was hoping, but I’m just not there yet. Today? Is better.
Hold in there… We are all out here in the cheering section for you.
xoxo
.-= Bridget´s last blog ..I’m the grown-up here. =-.
Yep, sucks.
I’m glad you felt you could let some of it out though. It’s super important to do that…
and for the record, I think you’re doing better than you think you are.
.-= Heather´s last blog .. =-.
Issa Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 9:19 am
@Heather, Thank you friend. I hope so. I hope that I’m doing better than I think. Love you.
Sometimes, simply being able to acknowledge how sucky a day is might be victory enough.
.-= Lesley´s last blog ..Yes, We Really Do Have Our Own Baseball Stadium Here At Um…What?? Headquarters (We Also Have an Indoor Ice Rink and A Skydiving Wind Tunnel Training Facility) (Okay, We Don’t Have Any Of These Things) (We Do Have A Carport, Though) =-.
Issa Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 9:18 am
@Lesley, Very true. It really did help me to write it out.
So sorry. I’m sure the pain is incredible. And, it’s hard to hit 30 and feel like you’re starting over. But, please don’t feel like you’ve wasted 10 years—you’ve probably learned a lot about yourself in that time. The next 10 years will be an adventure and I hope it is a wonderful adventure.
.-= Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..Twenty =-.
Issa Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 9:17 am
@Fairly Odd Mother, Thank you Christina. I’m trying to remember that.
Few shitty days…made me question everything. Sigh. Like my friend said last night, it’s just 29 plus a day.
I’m just catching up with you Issa, and I’m so very sorry to hear this. I can’t wait to see you at Blogher and give you a massive, in-person hug at which point we’ll laugh and raise a glass to how well you’re doing and how much better you’re feeling from this post, all those months ago.
Hang in there mama. You’re strong.
.-= mom101´s last blog ..Could be worse. Could be a Hooters girl. =-.
Issa Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 9:15 am
@mom101, Thank you Liz. I’ll be there.
This year, I promise to track you down.
I wish I could just say one thing, and make it all better for you. That elusive that would help you get though this, or at least this day. I hope that one thing, is that you write here, and people read it, and people reach out to support you – your people, your friends. And that your words matter. Even when your words are that your day/s are sucking right now.
I hope for some un-sucky days for you very soon!
I love you!!!!!
.-= Kari´s last blog ..The winter of our unemployment =-.
Issa Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 9:15 am
@Kari, Today is better friend. It is.
Some days it just helps me to write it out, you know? Love you too. THREE WEEKS!!!!!!
I meant to leave a comment yesterday … but after reading today’s post, I think the words are more poignant today.
You matter.
I come and visit your blog regularly and your words always strike a chord with me. I cheer for you, and I am quietly rooting for you. And I’m still hoping that you are considering that book idea that you blogged about a while ago!
I’m so sorry that it has been so rough. But never, ever forget … that you matter. Be kind to yourself. You deserve a break today.
Issa Reply:
March 23rd, 2010 at 9:14 am
@Colleen, Thank you Colleen. That means a lot. Truly.
(((hugs)))
Issa, you listen to me…. You spent the last 11 years making, growing, nurturing, and loving 3 little people. Those people are going to grow up and be incredible big people because of YOU. I know it is hard to see through the pain, and some of these (including mine) comments you are like yeah yeah, but it hurts and WHEN. When will I feel like a person again. Of course I can’t tell you that, but it will come.
I know you are probably sick of me comparing you to my mom or my situation, but after papa died it was just us 3 kids and mom, then she married dad had 2 boys, then the 3 of them died. So now it’s just the 4 of us again. WHY we had to live through that, to come full circle I will never know.
Why you have to go through this awful pain I don’t know. What I do know it that it will mold you further into the mother you need to be for your kids and the woman you need to be for you.
Sorry to break it to you, but 30 is not a big deal. People find love at EVERY stage in life. I know you are not thinking particularly about that right now. I am just saying, it ain’t over honey. It ain’t over.
For now, you do the best you can. That’s all anyone should or could expect from you.
Love you woman. (Sorry if I came off as harsh, you know me, I love you I am not trying to be all drill sergeant on you. Sorry if it came out that way. I just hate this so much for you I get a little worked up.)
.-= Lu´s last blog ..Follow Friday: Some random picks without a theme. Well I love them, that’s the theme I guess. =-.