Maybe if you weren’t so depressed and negative all the time you’d have “real life” friends. She didn’t need to add the quotes in there for me to get that, I know she meant it by the way she said it. Real life, not Internet people. Words full of anger. Words full of hurt. More meaning behind them, then anything she has said to me in a year. This friend of mine. Supposed friend, I should say. This person who is supposed to know me. Supposed to be my friend for life. This woman who I’ve known since pre-school, isn’t really my friend anymore.
I am too negative for her. I am too depressed for her. She, like my soon to be ex-husband, wishes I could be that woman who I was before. Before miscarriages. Before depression. Before separation. Before.
The people who were supposed to be there for me forever, just want me to be someone I’m not. They want me to fake it. To pretend I am okay.
I can’t. It hurts to think that I am not enough for anyone. That I am too much to deal with. That I’m very much alone. That the people, the friends I’ve known forever, the ones I considered family, don’t really want to know me anymore. If I think about it too long, it hurts to breath. It’s more than I can comprehend.
I’m not that girl anymore, the girl she wants me to be. She no longer exists. That girl I once was is gone. In her place is a woman who is stronger than she believes she is. (Or so my best friends keep telling me. ahem.) A woman who does everything for anyone. A woman who continues to get out of bed, no matter how much she doesn’t want too. That woman is me. That girl? Isn’t.
The truth is, it’s not just her. I’ve lost most of my supposed friends in the past year. I feel like I’ve lost some readers/some friends because of what I post. I get it, I’m depressing. I’m no fun to read. It’s okay. I’ve pushed some people away I think, because I don’t have enough in me to give most day. I’m doing the best I can. My best just may not be good enough.
Real life friends. Shit. My real life friends don’t actually want to know me. Real life. Like the friends I’ve made online aren’t real. Whatever.
I don’t have to see people every day, for them to be true friends. If I’ve learned anything in the past year, it would be that. True friends don’t fit in some tiny little box. At least not in my world.
In her world? I guess they do. I guess I’ve fallen out of that box. It’s killing me. But I can’t change it. I don’t even want to change it. However, it does make me unbelievably sad.
Want to know the truth? Without the friends I’ve made online, I’d have no friends. None. In some ways, that terrifies me. In other ways, I’m comforted by the fact that I do have the greatest friends known to man. The greatest, most caring, most amazing friends I could ever hope for. Some of them…some of you are better friends than I’ve ever had. Truly.
Is it different? Yes. Is different always bad? No.
I have friends who I can text/email/IM/call any time of day. I have friends who check in on me if they haven’t seen me around. I have two of the best friends in the world.Friends who have held me together the past few months. I don’t know that I could ever repay them for it.
What I know is this: tomorrow morning I’m flying to visit friends. Amazing friends. Friends that I met online. Friends who are okay with me, as I am. Friends who love me and support me and hold my hand whenever I need it.
This is what true friendship is.
52 Responses to friendship
Grab My Button!
I’m a joiner
**applause**
I met my husband online. Nobody ever balks at that nowadays. Why is it so odd to people that you meet your best friends online?
I want you to have the time of your life. Laugh. Eat. Play. Laugh and eat some more. Live. Enjoy.
xoxo
.-= avasmommy´s last blog ..I Left High School But It Never Left Me =-.
Issa Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 10:48 am
@avasmommy, I did friend. I did. Wish you’d been there though. Next time.
Why? I don’t know. I guess it’s just an excuse.
Hon, as far as I’m concerned on line is real life. I’ve found amazing people, like you, who love you for who you are not for who they think you should be and those are the kind of people I want in my life.
You are an amazing person and I am glad to call you my friend. Have fun this weekend, you deserve it.
.-= But Why Mommy´s last blog ..My Heart =-.
Issa Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 10:51 am
@But Why Mommy, Thanks friend. For all of this. I don’t know why it’s such a big thing to some people. Oh well. Their loss.
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You are enough. Don’t let anyone else lead you to believe otherwise. I think sometimes that the people closest to you can’t handle what’s going on, so they want you just get on with your life because it’s easier for them. And honestly? Sometimes I think it scares people to see their friends struggle because it hits too close to home. It’s that whole “There by the grace of God, go I” thing.
It doesn’t matter where you find your friends—online, real life—because it’s the connection that matters. Real friends are just that—they stick with you through all the real ugly stuff, the real happy times and the real struggles.
.-= Mo´s last blog ..White Trash Looking For a Trailer =-.
Issa Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 10:52 am
@Mo, I think than when i stopped being willing to pretend, I was no longer worth the trouble. Problem is, now I’m questioning everything I thought I knew. Including myself.
Mo’s right. The real connection is what matters, the support through it ALL is what matters.
.-= Headless Mom´s last blog ..I hate these posts, too. =-.
You’re being real… she’s just being selfish. You can do without “friends” like that. Sending you a *holding hand and hug* You’re doing just fine x
.-= Sandy´s last blog ..Yesterday =-.
Wait? you’re not real? All this time—and you’re not real? I’m not real?
Pffft.
Enjoy your vacation. You, of anyone, deserve it.
And no worries, your real friends will be here when you get back!
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Theme Song Thursday–Week 2 =-.
Issa Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 10:53 am
@Heather, Nah babe. I’m a figment of your imagination. Dam you have a vivid imagination. ha.
Have a wonderful visit, Issa!! Enjoy yourself!
Screw them. We are here and that won’t change. You are blogging your way though the tough stuff and I’d never turn my back on you because of that! If you ever need ANYTHING i’m here. Seriously. Email me, I’ll give you my cell.
Have an amazing time with your friends. You deserve a break honey.
Issa Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 10:56 am
@Molly, Thank you Molly. Truly.
We need to start a new blog category called “Sometimes life shits on you–sometimes big heaping piles of shit–so you blog about it.” Then we could just say “Hey, consider yourself warned.”
Will be thinking about you as you party your way through the wrong part of California.
Issa Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 11:02 am
@Allyson, Might be my new tagline.
Pretending isn’t worth it. Real friends don’t ask you to pretend.
.-= Capital Mom´s last blog ..Feeling sorry =-.
You may have lost some readers due to what you write, but you’ve also gained some for the same reason too. Me being one of them. Never stop being yourself, you’re an inspiration to others =)
Issa Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 11:06 am
@Mum2five, Thank you. That means a lot.
Aw Issa, feck them if they can’t accept the person you are now. Have a really great time with your friends, the people who love you, just the way you are.
Best wishes.
.-= J from Ireland´s last blog ..Happy St. Patricks Day =-.
Issa Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 11:09 am
@J from Ireland, i think i love the word feck.
Blech. She’s not worth it. You are. Have a fabulous trip.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..Tight Huggins =-.
I don’t think I’ve commented before but I just wanted to say that of the two of you perhaps you’re the lucky one – in terms of friendship at least. She seems unable to grow and change which is such an important part of life. You have lots of friends who like you just the way you are right now; and if things change for you, my bet is – unlike this person – they’ll still like you just as much. Friends are friends, regardless of where and how you meet them.
Have a wonderful trip.
Issa Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 11:17 am
@Willow, Hi Willow. thank you for commenting. I love lurkers.
One of my best friends is the worst/best lurker ever. ha.
I think where my problem is, is that I know you and everyone else is right…but I still have trouble with the fact that someone I’ve known forever wants nothing to do with me. Someone who was like my sister my entire life. Shrug. It makes me question myself.
I echo what Headless Mom said: “Mo’s right. The real connection is what matters, the support through it ALL is what matters.”
Fair-weather friends aren’t really friends, they’re acquaintances as far as I’m concerned.
Life happens. Sometimes shit happens. Sometimes the shit hits the fan. For all of us. And real friends? However we’ve met them, they’re there for us while we try to clean up the mess.
Have a wonderful trip Issa, and enjoy yourself with your true friends.
Issa Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 11:20 am
@Elise, Acquaintances yes. But I’ve known her forever. That’s where I have issues.
But my real true friends, are newish ones. They however are always willing to duct tape me back together.
I did have a blast. Maybe too much fun. Am having trouble with re-entry into reality.
I read you because you are real. Life is a bitch and you are honest. Thats what this is all about. Keep doing what your doing and those who don’t get it are not “real” friends. You are brave and strong. You will come through all of this the better person.
Issa Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 11:24 am
@Sharon, Thank you Sharon. I hope you are right. Some days I’m not so sure.
I think a lot of the friends I’ve met online probably know me better than a lot of the friends I see almost every day. Tell me that’s not REAL!
I’m SO excited to virtually see you tomorrow, so we can have a virtual meal together and a virtual conversation and share a virtual hug. You know, since we’re not “real life” friends and all…
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
.-= Kari´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.
Issa Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 11:25 am
@Kari, Do you think the people next to us, virtually appreciated our conversation?
Like you and others have said, if online friends don’t count, I don’t have any close friends, at least not anymore. My best friend ended up being the kind of person who would take complete advantage of me without ever giving back. She made a lot of very hurtful comments and if I hadn’t had the internet to turn to… I cannot even imagine. When I was looking at movie, support didn’t come from “real life” (except for one person) but from online.
I read every entry even if I don’t always have anything to say. You’re real and I respect that. I truly hope you enjoy yourself on your vacation.
.-= Angela´s last blog ..500th Post! And a giveaway! =-.
Issa Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 11:26 am
@Angela, Thanks honey. I appreciate my lurkers…even when I know who they are.
Real friends know the real you and accept it. Shrug. Or that’s what my theory is now.
My husband asks what I do online for all those hours. Socializing! We live in the middle of no where, this is where I talk to people, humans, that aren’t 7 months old. I admit, thus far the socializing between you and I has been pretty one sided as I’m a lurker. But I’ve enjoyed it none the less. I appreciate your honesty in a world that wants us to put on happy face. And I find you funny when the occasion calls for it. Have a wonderful trip.
Issa Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 11:27 am
@Amelia, I adore lurkers, but thank you for saying hi.
I think the best part of the internet is that we are more able to find people who understand us. My best friends live in two different states. Neither near me. But they are just amazing. Shrug.
Everyone goes through tough times. Everyone changes and grows. If this ‘friend’ cannot understand that, she is in for some serious disappointment in her life.
I’m so glad you have good friends that you can count on, no matter where they live and no matter how you met. I totally agree with the people above that the friendships we make online are real and valid and important.
.-= Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..Whether you need a crib or not, a little Tax Day gift for you =-.
Issa Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 11:32 am
@Fairly Odd Mother, I think that the world is changing and the way we connect has changed so much. Some people just don’t seem to like change.
First, I hope you have much needed fun on your vacation!!!
Second, if your friend can’t accept what you are going through, she isn’t a real friend. My best friend and I have been friends since the 4th grade, and we live on seperate coasts now. However, no matter what, we are there for each other. We have seen each other through so many ups and downs it’s not even a joke, but no matter what, we accepts each other, and what the other person is going through.
I also believe that those you meet on line can be great friends. I, lik “avasmommy” met my husband on line, along with many other great people. Hugs to you my friend and know we are all here for you!!!
Issa Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 11:44 am
@Laura, My two best friends live in two different states. But they are my support system no matter what. That’s all that matters.
Love you, Issa. Enjoy your time with your REAL friends, whether they be internet or other.
Issa Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 11:37 am
@tracey, love you too. thanks friend. I had a blast.
preach it. i totally agree. the online community we’re a part of is so fabulous. we’re blessed. and online or not–they’re our REAL friends. have fun with liz and ben. xo
.-= Becky´s last blog ..A night in our house =-.
Have a fun trip!
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..Weekly Winners, April 4-10 =-.
Issa Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 11:46 am
@AmazingGreis, Hope you are having a blast.
Sometimes it’s best just to let people go and keep the good ones in your life. Have a fabulous trip and enjoy yourself and your good friends!
.-= Lex (@laprimera)´s last blog ..Doctor’s orders =-.
I exist in real life. And I’m your friend.
.-= Emily´s last blog ..I can still remember how that music used to make me smile =-.
Issa Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 11:48 am
@Emily, Thank you Emily. Ditto darling. Ditto.
I don’t need her approval to know that we’re friends. All I need to do is remember that Saturday night, hanging out in your room.
.-= Marinka´s last blog ..How Fitting! =-.
Issa Reply:
April 23rd, 2010 at 11:49 am
@Marinka, Thanks friend.
That was the best night. Can’t wait to have more fun in a few months.
Sounds to me like your old “friend” is the one with the problems, the one who’s going to end up with no friends. What you’re going through it part of life, it’s not up to her to judge it. It’s up to her to support you and be there for you. Those that continue to be there, to help you, to listen, to offer you a shoulder, they’re the people you want in your life.
Divorce is hard enough on the people going through it without having to hear that kind of crap from a “friend.” Sorry you’re having to add this on top of everything else.
.-= Karen Chatters´s last blog ..Where is home? =-.
You know what? This is real life right here. The ups the downs, the good the bad and the ugly. I went through the same thing you did a few years ago, and I found out who my friends were and the ones that weren’t have been kicked to the curb. There were a few surprises in there for me too. One of my childhood friends just disappeared. The person I’d known the longest in my life. Gone. but now three years later, I realize that she wasn’t my friend to begin with. It was convenient that I was in a position to drop everything for her always, but the one time I needed her, she was nowhere to be found.
Hang on tight to the good people in your life. No matter how you met them.
Agreed on all points. I hope you had a wonderful trip.
That is all so true, Issa. During my traumatic time last year, I was blessed to find so many wonderful friends step up when I needed them the most, but it didn’t take away the pain of the ones who didn’t. It’s important to know when people are not beneficial for your well-being anymore. Be grateful for the time that they were and now move on. It’s good to accept the impermanence of life– the good and the bad.