When I was a kid, I always wished I belonged to another family. A better family. One that was less like mine. Sometimes I imagined that my real family had misplaced me somehow. Maybe that there had been a horrible switch at the hospital and they’d find me one day. I imagined a sister. A twin. Somehow I was convinced I had a twin out there. Parents who were still married. Parents who were home when I got home from school. A mom who cooked on days that weren’t just Sunday. A dad who actually cared.
There were no step-parents, or step-siblings in my imaginary world. No heartache. No feeling invisible. No feeling like I didn’t exist. Like no one would really notice if I just faded away.
I watched too much television. I saw families on TV and was convinced my ‘real’ family would be like that. Where minor squabbles or issues were solved in 24 short minutes. Where major issues could be solved the next week in 24 more minutes.You know, the: My Two Dads, Fresh Prince, Full House, The Cosby Show, Family Ties; way of life.
I read to escape my life. I was constantly reading at least three books. I spent every waking moment that I could in the pool, because underwater? I was a mermaid looking for my real family. My imagination helped me make it through childhood. My family is not the white picket fence type. Heck, neither of my parents even owned a house during my childhood. Literally, I lived in one neighborhood 8 different times. And surrounding neighborhoods and surrounding cities. We went to the same school, but we moved constantly. My mother is convinced I haven’t painted my house, because I don’t believe that I can. She may be right.
Sadly my ‘real’ family never came to find me. As years have gone on, I’ve realized that I just don’t fit in either side of my family. Sure I can get along at times with most of them,, for short periods of time, but I don’t have a place. I used to have a place in Logan’s family, but I don’t really now either. It’s too uncomfortable for them. It’s too much work. Too much effort. Really? I understand. In a way, it’s too much work for me too.
But I’m back to not fitting in anywhere. And it kinda sucks. Some days I think I fit in online and then others I know I don’t. I’m just too odd; real; sensitive; depressing; intense. I spend way too much time up in my head. Take your pick. Don’t suppose it really matters.
Doesn’t mean I won’t keep making a space for myself in this big ole Internet. I will. I also know I don’t really have a place where I fit. I guess in a way, it’s something that I’m used too.
My real family is my kids. My three amazing balls of crazy. They get me. I get them. They are the coolest people I know. But I only have them half the time. They are also just kids. I have a very firm idea on being my kids parent now and their friend later.
I spend too much time alone. I spend too much time online.
Right now? I just feel lost.
I don’t know what to do about any of it. I don’t know that there is anything to do about it. It just is.
Sometimes, when I can’t sleep, I wonder about my imaginary family. If I wasn’t the spitting image (looks and as I hear it, personality) of my great-grandma, I’d consider the possibility that I was switched at birth. I know I wasn’t though.
Maybe one day, I’ll find my place. Hopefully.
31 Responses to My real family
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This post resonates with me – I’m jealous you can so eloquently say what I’ve been feeling for weeks now! My new favourite phrase has become “You can’t find your new normal, it has to find you”. I’m living by this, daily at the moment. Maybe it will help you too?
x
Issa Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 9:22 am
@Tam, I like that. Am trying. Some days it’s easier than others.
Maybe I was the twin lmao.
Apparently we not only share the same name, but also the same unusal imagination during childhood.
Reading the first part was like reading my own life. =)
.-= Mum2five´s last blog ..The Princess B =-.
Issa Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 9:23 am
@Mum2five, Ha. I am starting to think, maybe it’s more common than we think? Maybe people just don’t talk about it?
Hugs Issa. I mean that. I could’ve written this post. Well, not as well but you know what I mean. The Cosby Show is where I wanted to be. Where I still want to be. We have gone through another transition and I feel like I’m going through it with weights around my ankles. I think you fit it more online and with the friends you’ve met here more than you think, but you are right, our kids are our true family. I’m so grateful for mine.
.-= mel´s last blog ..I’ll be on my boat. =-.
Issa Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 9:26 am
@mel, God, I loved the Cosby Show. I feel like I’ve been through too much in the past few years. Like it needs to knock it off now. Some days I’m not sure I can handle anymore.
I do fit in online. Sometimes. I think. Others? I’m not sure that I do. Depends on my mood in the moment.
Hugs to you. But…I HAD that family. We were the Family Matters family. And it still went BOOM! So no matter what things may seem like, EVERYONE has problems, and nothing is ever perfect.
I do think that you will settle. You are going through a transitional phase right now. I am not surprised these emotions are coming out.
Hang in there. Be true to yourself, and what YOU feel comfortable with. You have 3 beautiful children there just waiting for you to build their fairy tale. You can do it together. HUGS mama.
.-= Lu´s last blog ..Waiting =-.
Issa Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 9:28 am
@Lu, I know babe. I know. And that is what sucks even more. When you know it exists but you just can’t seem to have it.
I’m tired of it Lu. I’m so tired of it. This feeling of suck. And I know you get it. I do. It makes me feel better just knowing people get it. But I’m tired. I want to feel better. I want good weeks and days and yeah, I’ll stop now.
Love you.
I’m sorry babe. I think we all go through feeling this way. I know I have a time or 12. Just know I’m here and you fit in with me.
.-= Becky´s last blog ..Shredding =-.
Issa Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 9:32 am
@Becky, Thanks friend.
Just, many hugs. And that not fitting in thing?? Me, too. I am slowly, so slowly, finding my tribe. I gather the members close to me, one by slow one, after a long and cautious dance around each other…
Issa Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 9:33 am
@Joy, Maybe that’s what I’m doing too. it’s just hard to start over with one. I thought I had it before.
I fit into my family, but my family never fit into our town. I hate it here still. and as for the internet? I don’t really fit in anywhere either. I sort of float, like I did among friend groups in high school and college. (that’s why i’m terrified of BlogHer 2010)
Hugs Issa!
.-= Molly´s last blog ..Out of the mouths of moms. even though I’m not a mom =-.
Issa Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 9:34 am
@Molly, Don’t be scared of BlogHer. Or not too scared. I promise you, every year there are tons of new people. It’s a great way to find your people.
Here’s the thing about family. As a kid? You kinda get what you get. It’s not perfect. Nobody’s is.
But? As adults, we can pick our family. I have relatives.
You, Liz, D & Ava? You guys are my family.
I used to wonder where I fit. Now I know.
.-= avasmommy´s last blog ..Not Goodbye =-.
Issa Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 9:36 am
@avasmommy, You know me friend. You know me. You see me. The real me. Very few people do. My mom, Liz, you, my girls.
I just get scared and lonely.
I felt a lot like you growing up, only I KNEW I had another family out there. Being adopted opens the door to imagining that my biological mother was a princess. Or that they lived on a farm with horses.
I love the little family that I have created for myself and my mother can’t understand why I keep it seperate from her. I have to, it’s the only way to keep it safe.
Hugs.
.-= ally (adil320)´s last blog ..Work and Beach and BlogHer, OH MY! =-.
Issa Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 9:38 am
@ally (adil320), You have to do what you have to do, to keep your family safe. I get that. My kids will never know my dad because of that. I mean, they’ve seen him a few times. But because of his wife and her kids? My kids won’t really get to know their grandpa. I won’t let them be around her or her kids. Not alone, not for a milisecond.
Oh, girl.
I have never fit, and I suppose I never will. There are times in my life that I have felt so lonely, even in a house full of people, that I almost lost my will to carry on.
But, you know, while being a square peg in a world of round holes is difficult and often heartbreaking, it makes it all the more wonderful when you find a fellow square or two.
Fitting in? I know the grass looks greener over there, babe, but it’s probably just astroturf. Stick to this grass, the one that has weeds and dead spots where you forgot to putaway the kids’ wading pool but it’s REAL and it’s YOURS and sometimes, sometimes, when the sun is shining and there’s a little bit of a breeze, the grass feels like heaven on your bare feet.
Hang in there.
.-= Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..Food vs "Food" =-.
Issa Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 9:41 am
@Andrea’s Sweet Life, Astroturf? I like that. It makes sense.
I’ve never fit. I’ve thought I did at times, but I never really did. I forced myself to be the person they wanted me to be. Now? I have a few people who get me. But I’m so scared of loosing them that I may end up pushing them away.
Lonely. Always these days. Invisible. Alone. Yep, those are my words right now. I wish it was different. I really do. But I haven’t figured out how to make it different yet.
Thank you friend. For understanding. For coming back. For not giving up on me, even though I probably deserve it.
I loved my family growing up and I still imagined that I had another family somewhere. I think it’s normal. Or maybe not. There really isn’t anything normal about me.
I think you make your real family out of the people that matter most to you. I’m still working on mine. It’s probably a life long ambition. I have all the confidence in the world that you will make yours too.
.-= followingtheroad´s last blog ..I’m pretty sure the exercise gods are mocking me. =-.
Issa Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 9:42 am
@followingtheroad, Thank you. Truly thank you. I hope so.
oh sweets, I totally could have written this post and I am sure that you know that. Tweak a few minor details and boom! My story.
Know that you have many people around you that get you and will help keep you grounded.
Love you lots girl!
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Georgia will always be on my mind =-.
Issa Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 9:45 am
@Domestic Extraordinaire, Am crying now, after reading all these comment. Not even sure I can make sense.
I know you get this one. Sigh. I wish you didn’t. Hell, i wish I didn’t. Love you.
I’m so glad that I didn’t watch TV growing up. Because my family was super duper crazy (not understanding English) and I though it was totally normal.
Family is where the heart is. Thatisall.
.-= OHmommy´s last blog ..Eighteen hundred minutes. =-.
Issa Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 9:46 am
@OHmommy, LOL. I guess, as a kid I spent too much time alone. So I could see people’s families who were different and wanted that.
I think writers inherently all have that dark inner voice, that one that keeps us from feeling like we ever really belong, keeps us on the outside a little or a lot. It’s what gives us perspective and the ability to write. But it can also be horribly debilitating if we let that side get the best of us.
Feeling lost isn’t the same as being lost though.
Get out of the house mama. Unplug or see friends or do what you have to do. And know you are loved.
.-= mom101´s last blog ..Confession =-.
Issa Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 9:48 am
@mom101, Thank you Liz.
True. If we didn’t have that voice, what the heck would we write about?
You fit with me, no matter how dark or intense. Unless you go all Bella on me and get a sparkly boyfriend. Then, I’ll still love you, but I might smack you. XO.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..Differences of opinion =-.
Issa Reply:
June 7th, 2010 at 9:49 am
@anymommy, Snort. I am the last person who could get a sparkly boyfriend. You know this.
Love you.
I remember talking to my friend Dorothy once, and complaining about some inconsiderate thing one of my family members did, and how hurt I was. She said that she realized once that she had a picture in her head of a perfect family, and maybe they looked like hers, but they didn’t act like hers. That helped. I have that picture in my head as well, and no, they don’t act perfect. Realizing that they probably never will, and loving them for who they are, is enough.
I know this isn’t exactly what you’re saying. Because you feel alienated from your family, and I feel as though I fit in, they just drive me crazy.
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