I woke up this morning in a fog. Part of it is that I’ve not been sleeping. Last night I actually slept all night. For possibly the first time in weeks. I’m not sure why it means I woke up more tired, but I did. I’ve had coffee and it’s 10:30am and I still could just sleep. For a week. Please and thank you.
Part of it is me. My head. I’m just in a funk today. I haven’t managed to shake it yet. I’m not depressed. Not really. Maybe not yet. But it’s there. I feel it. Hanging out. Trying to get cozy and comfy. I’m trying to shake it off, but so far no go. I feel uber-sensitive. I feel like I shouldn’t even talk to my best friends, because I’m likely to say something stupid. Likely to be too needy and god knows none of them need that right now. That nothing I say is going to be worthwhile. See: questioning everything.
It’s been a few decent weeks. A few weeks of sun. Of weekend trips out of town. Of mini-golf with Morgan, kite flying with Bailey and finding polly-pollys with Harrison. Weeks of watermelon and ice cream. Weeks of my head being less crazy.
The depression though? Sucks. I wish I could turn it off. I wish it wasn’t here, as a constant reminder that I’m not strong enough. Sometimes I think it’s just me. That I’m too much of a drama queen. That I’m getting caught up in the crazy in my own head. But hey, that’s part of it too.
I get up every single day and do everything I need to do. Without fail. I work. I take care of my kids. I play Frisbee with my dog. My house is mostly clean. My bills get paid on time. Laundry gets done. Maybe not put away, but whatever. It’s there and clean and folded.
It never goes away though. Never fully. I have great days, great hours, great moments. Then it’s back. Making me sad and lonely and wanting to curl up in a ball and sleep. Of course, when I’m like this, I stop being able to sleep, which makes it worse.
When I feel like this, I question everything I say. Or do. For fear of seeming crazy. Or unstable. Which you all may think, I have no idea. I’m not, I promise. I’m just a person whose life has changed drastically. I’m still flailing around in the water, so to speak. I haven’t learned to swim yet. Maybe I need floaties?
I start apologizing for everything. I said in someones comments this morning, that I apologize for apologizing for something that I only thought. My friend Liz is constantly telling me that I don’t need to say I’m sorry for things I NEVER EVEN SAID. That no one can read my thoughts.
I’m a really awesome friend, I assure you.
My best friends. Man they are amazing. They won’t let me go. They hold me up, let me cry, hold my hand and let me say everything that is in my head no matter how crazy it is. They make jokes, help me remember to breath and distract me. Then one of them carefully re-applies the duct tape that had slipped off.
I try. I try so dam hard. But it comes back. No matter what I do, it always comes back. It’s never enough.
8 Responses to A little foggy
Grab My Button!
I’m a joiner
You know I love you. Now pardon me while I return to email to kick your butt for not talking to us.
avasmommy recently posted..My Week Offline and What I Learned
Um, I think we have similar rhythms sometimes. But you are NOT allowed to not tell me. *waves MY butt kicking flip flops and a crutch*
I get this love, totally. I am so thankful that you have best friends that are there for you, reapplying the tape.
Domestic Extraordinaire recently posted..You Capture-The I Really Cant Read but Somehow Play a Writer on the Interwebs Edition
((hugs))
Susan @ Sassafrassery recently posted..Morning yawn
Issa, you ARE strong enough! What you also are hon, is too hard on yourself. I’m willing to bet that you would not judge a close friend for having the same exact same feelings you’re having, if she were in your exact same situation. And that’s because your sad feelings are a normal and natural reaction to what you are going through right now – you’re grieving the end of your marriage, the end of a long-held dream and expectation, and you’re trying to adjust to a whole new life, one that you didn’t expect, want, or plan for (but one that, given time, will still turn out beautiful and wonderful. You just don’t realize that yet).
Yes, feeling depressed sucks. It’s totally understandable that you wish you could turn off those feelings. That sometimes you are able to “have great days, great hours, great moments,” well that’s a really good sign! And there will be a lot more of those, and a lot less of the dark days, ahead of you, but unfortunately there isn’t a switch you can flip to instantly bring you there. You’ll get there in steps. But you will get there, I absolutely know it.
In the meantime Issa, what you are doing is more than a lot of people would be able to do at this point. Try to take some credit for what you *ARE* doing, and try to stop beating yourself up for where you aren’t yet. You are stronger than you realize or give yourself credit for. You are also kind, sensitive, intelligent, a loving mom and friend, a good writer, you’re funny, you’re insightful…I could go on based on what I’ve observed as well as what your friends have written to and about you in their comments over the time I’ve followed your blog. One of the things I appreciate and like most about you is how real and honest you are. You may or may not realize it, but that takes courage. You are a special woman Issa. I wish you would see that. And I wish you’d cut yourself some slack too. You’re grieving right now. You won’t be grieving like this forever (even if at the moment it may seem that way to you).
The fog is going to clear and the sun will shine brightly again for you Issa. You’ll see honey. It will happen.
(((Big Hug)))
Sending you love and sunshine. Get some sunshine, babe. It helps to peck away at the depression, even if only a tiny little bit…
Oh, the grey fog, is so hard. Sometimes, I find it’s a bit harder than the dark, because the light teases me on the edges of the grey. Many hugs to you, Issa. Many hugs.
Depression is a nasty beast. When I’m in that place, I often wish I could just scoop out my brain just to stop feeling so awful. It sucks. It sucks a lot.
I’m glad you have friends to help you thru it. Hang in there. And buy more duct tape.
Major Bedhead recently posted..Paterfamilias