I told myself three years is too long to still remember. I told myself I wouldn’t say anything this year. I’d just ignore it. I’d stop thinking about it. I’ve put out too many depressing posts this year. There doesn’t need to be any more. For that, I apologize. I can’t seem to stop myself today.
Last year I tried to ignore it. I fretted before hand that I’d fall apart, like the years prior. I didn’t though. I didn’t fall apart. I also didn’t not remember. A lot of you saw me on this day last year. Twenty or so of us even had dinner on this date last year. See, last year I was at BlogHer, so it was easy to shove it to the back of my head. I cried a bit in a bathroom, but I didn’t say anything. Save for the four amazing people at my table that night who let me cry in public for a minute, and the one person who already knew, who squeezed my hand each time she saw me, I kept it quiet.
It made it easy to not think about the What-If’s all day.
It feels wrong though to not say something. To not remember. She was my baby after all. For 14 weeks, three years ago she was my baby. Until she wasn’t.
I have spent all day wondering. Wondering what she’d look like. What she’d be like. If she’d be girly, or more tom boy-ish. If she’d be a mama’s girl, or a daddy’s girl. Wondering if we still would have had Harrison. Wondering if we’d still be together if I hadn’t lost my shit. None of that is her fault, it just is.
They don’t prepare you for that, you know? Loss. Heartache. There is no rule book. No, how to, for dummies.
I have to remember. Till the day I die, I will always remember her, even when I one day, learn to stop mentioning it out loud. Because even though, she was never more than a few little plastic sticks with two lines and one ultrasound picture, she was still my daughter. My Piper.
24 Responses to I told myself I wouldn’t do this
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Honey, I’m sorry.
I didn’t realize it was today.
She would have been beautiful. She is beautiful.
Love you
avasmommy recently posted..First Time
AWWW Honey. You deserve to remember. And grieve.
LOVE to you, babe.
XOXO
VDog recently posted..Sparkle party in my pants by @misstejota
Who says you need to stop mentioning it? Stop remembering?
You have a right to mention, to remember, to grieve, to wonder, to love.
Love you. Hugs.
MommyGeekology recently posted..Dress Up Ask the Readers
You can do this, you can do whatever you want. You have every right to write about her and talk about her and think about her. Fourteen weeks is a long time, it only takes a minute to become attached to that little person inside you.
HUGE hugs for you today.
Hugs! From another mother who has lost and was lost and always remembers.
Our second remembrance is coming up 8/9 and I do wonder what kinds of a little toddling boy he would be. And I wonder if we’d still have gotten his big brother, who is such a love, if he hadn’t died.
All I can say is I wish I could smother you with hugs and hold you while you cry. Thinking of you. Mwuah.
Vixen recently posted..The Future Of My Bedroom Depends On Your Vote
Love you girl. xo
maggie, dammit recently posted..The Lemonade Stand In Memory of Chris
Even though it’s in a different capacity, you know I think you have to remember. She was real, you loved her, she should be remembered. I will light a candle. (Not like a catholic one, like a Yankee Candle one) for Piper. I love you friend.
Lu recently posted..It is ‘that’ day
xoxo
Bridget recently posted..For Whom the SchoolBell Tolls
Why wouldn’t you do this? You lost a baby, your child, Your Piper. You can do this. You can do this every day for the rest of your life. I am so, so sorry. I read your archives, we have so much in common. I wrote http://nearlynotquite.com/2010/03/18/sliding-down-a-slippery-slope/ a few months ago, when I recognised things in myself that were going back, back to when we lost our first baby. So much in common – I was at work, and just collapsed. They did a scan and our baby was gone.. Be kind to yourself, your heart will never quite be healed. x
She is real, and she is loved. Hugs to you, Issa.
Joy recently posted..A drive in Saskatchewan
Don’t ever be sorry for remembering. She is real. She was your daughter and she was beautiful. I love you hon.
But Why Mommy recently posted..In the Midnight Hour
Oh Issa. Of course you remember Piper. Of course you do. You have every right to talk about her and to love her. Forever.
Wow that’s rough. I bet she is amazing wherever she is. Love to you.
Kirsten recently posted..Should Be a Fun Week
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Keep remembering. She was, and still is, your baby. You deserve to remember, to grieve, to cry, to do whatever you need to. Hugs.
Lisa recently posted..Out and About with a Toddler
Remembering is a good thing. ((Hugs))
Susan @ Sassafrassery recently posted..Politics and Talk Radio
I still think about Piper too. I remember coming back from a trip and reading your blog and crying. I love you Issa and I’m glad you still talk/think about her.
Becky recently posted..And then the clouds parted
I am so sorry Issa. So sorry…
Marin was only mine for eight weeks.
Seven years ago.
Me too.
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah recently posted..Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice
Hugs to you. Hopefully even in person in a just over a week. Thank you for sharing.
mosey recently posted..talking about the weather
It is perfectly normal to grieve. I’m so sorry for you loss.
jodifur recently posted..So- How Are You Anything New
Remembering loss is always healthy, you should. I’m sorry Piper is gone. XO.
anymommy recently posted..Fall from grace
Mine was 6-1/2 years ago and I still remember and it still hurts. It’s ok to talk about it – I don’t think people know what to say when a woman loses a baby, but maybe by talking about it, some of the hush-hush stigma, just get over it BS can be done away with. I think that hurts more than the well-meaning if misguided attempts people make when they try to comfort you.
Major Bedhead recently posted..The Obligatory- Ubiquitious- Pre-BlogHer Freak Out Post