At first it just made me mad. He forgot. What kind of person forgets their six year olds first night of gymnastics? She’s only been talking about it all summer. I realize that is harsh. I’ve forgotten things. He’s forgotten things. We have three children. He’s not the first parent to forget something important to their child. He surely won’t be the last. It just as easily could have been me. I recognize that.
Then I just got sad. Sad for my little girl who was upset and angry. I was upset at him. I was upset at me. I could have texted him again to remember to take her. I could have made this easier for him. I could have just gone and taken her, even though it was his night.
At some point though? As hard as it is for me? I have to let him sink or swim on his own.
It kills me to say that, yet I know it to be true. He left me. Our divorce will be final in October. It is no longer my job to make sure he does what he should. It’s not my job to nag him. It’s not my job to save his ass. It’s just not my job anymore.
He has the same calendar I do. The dates and times for Morgan’s dance classes. The dates and times for Bailey’s gymnastics. Doctor’s appointments. The school schedule. He has it all too.
It’s not my job. It’s my mantra this week. Not my job man. I may need that tattooed on my arm. But it sucks. It physically pains me to have my child that upset for something he forgot to do. I can’t save her pain, I can’t make it better, I can’t tell her it won’t happen again. I just don’t have that control anymore. I can only control what I do when with them. I can’t control what he does.
I am just a spectator in half of my own childrens lives now. There’s not a dam thing I can do about it. Just watch and hope for the best.
Why does it feel so horrible though?
***He knows he screwed up. Trust me, Bailey let him hear about it allllll night. He admitted it. He’s apologized for it, to Bailey and to me. This isn’t a bash my ex post. Really. I just don’t know what to think today.
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I’m glad you shared it even though you don’t know really what it is …
I have a friend who needs to read this … and from a kid who GREW UP with this stuff … just know that YOU need only to brace your shoulder for them to cry on it (and often!!) … keep his name mud-free (hard, I know) and let your kids know more than you can imagine they need to hear it … that you love them/are proud of them/think they are the greatest thing since Mario Brothers.
One of these days it all becomes crystal clear and you know what remains? The fact that my mama tried her hardest not to speak badly about *him* and always scooped us up off of the floor when he didn’t show up … and we were left staring out of the window waiting for his car to pull up in the driveway for a “visit”.
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Issa Reply:
August 18th, 2010 at 9:47 am
@naomi, Sadly, I know this story too. Because it was mine as well. I just never thought it would be my kids story as well.
He’ll figure it out, babe. And so will you. How to do this, all of this as separate people.
**huge hugs** as always.
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Issa Reply:
August 19th, 2010 at 1:06 pm
@avasmommy, One day, i hope that we both learn how to do this. Sometimes I wonder though.
This is really tough.
On one hand you still feel tempted to nag or remind him about things for the kids, but you are right, it’s not your job.
He is a grown ass man.
He walked away from you and the family. I know he is a good dad, mostly. But these are the exact type of things that he has to sink or swim on.
Now I know some asshat is thinking you still should b/c you are protecting the kids from getting their feelings hurt. But they are VERY close, if not already to be able to see the situation for what it is. They know it’s not your fault. ALSO, it’s up to him to be a responsible adult and caring father. You can’t force that. It is sad for you to have to watch them learn that. I KNOW. But they will be ok and stronger for it. Really.
I also know that if it were anything serious you would intervene, so if anyone wants to say something to the contrary, just reply to me.
I am sorry you are dealing with this, buy I am proud of your attitude. I don’t want you to be sad, you have to know that HE drew the line.
Just stay on your side with one eye on his side just in case you do have to jump in…even if you can’t & shouldn’t every time.
Love you.
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Issa Reply:
August 19th, 2010 at 1:10 pm
@Lu, I like that Lu. The staying on my side, with an eye on his just in case. I like that a lot. Thanks sweets.
laura Reply:
August 20th, 2010 at 8:35 am
@Lu, I am so with Lu on this. I ttotally sucks to be in your shoes, and in the kids shoes, but sadly he has to make his own mistakes, even if it hurts the kids. It sucks all around, but you are a great mother, are doing a fantastic job ina shitty situation and those kids know it. Hugs to you and the kiddies.
Dammit, that sucks. But you’re right, it’s not your job or responsibility anymore to ‘mother’ him (sometimes I wonder if it is in the FIRST place – like we’re shooting ourselves in the foot, a little, when we do that…). Now it’s your job to love and support your kids and be their Constant. Which you obviously already rock at.
Issa Reply:
August 19th, 2010 at 1:11 pm
@Keely, I wonder about that too. The, did I over do before and now, he just flat doesn’t know how to do it all?
Oh geez do I know how this feels. And there does come a point where you have to draw the line. It’s so hard to watch your kids hurt, but the nagging only damages the relationship between parents, in my experience. It sucks.
Thinking of you.
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Issa Reply:
August 19th, 2010 at 1:16 pm
@Allyson, Thanks friend. I have to sometimes sit on my hands to not text things that I shouldn’t. It’ll get easier.
I think that’s the most difficult part about parenting, even when you are still married. You have to let your partner make mistakes that are going to hurt your kids and your co-parent. I struggle with it all the time. Really struggle.
I think it’s good that you are realizing now that you can’t control what happens when your kids are away. I know parents that haven’t figured that out years later. It still sucks, but coming at it prepared might help.
I really hope with all my heart that this gets easier for you. Sooner, rather than later.
followingtheroad recently posted..This is why I shouldn’t drink right before bed time
Joy Reply:
August 18th, 2010 at 11:50 am
@followingtheroad, Oh, yes, it hurts to watch your child hurt, regardless of who forgot what. The times that we’ve both forgotten a lesson, because life happened, even though we are standing side by side reading the same damn calendar… The crying, upset child is still there to be dealt with, apologized to, and soothed. Hugs, Issa…
Issa Reply:
August 19th, 2010 at 1:17 pm
@followingtheroad, What I have to keep reminding myself is…it could have just as easily been me. Just because I let everything he does hurt my feelings, it really was just a simple mistake.
you know i think that’s the best thing you can do..just let him sink or swim. it sucks because you want to control everything with the kids and make sure THEY don’t get punished cause their dad sucks but yeah…you have the right idea. poor baby girl though.
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Issa Reply:
August 19th, 2010 at 1:18 pm
@becky, Truth is, he doesn’t even suck. He just forgot. I just tend to take it all personally.
I know how you feel, and it does suck. It sucks that things are the way they are. It sucks that our kids sometimes feel the brunt of the adult situation they have no control over. I think your attitude is spot on though. He made his choices, and now he has the new life he wanted, but with that new life come new responsibilities. All we can do is be there to pick up the pieces and soldier on.
Issa Reply:
August 19th, 2010 at 1:24 pm
@Stacey, Thank you.
Ack. I don’t know this particular situation, but yes it is so hard to see your child hurt or disappointed. Even with Matt right here, when he brushes the kids off or hurts their feelings, I struggle. Although, of course, I do it too.
anymommy recently posted..Above all these is love
Issa Reply:
August 19th, 2010 at 1:25 pm
@anymommy, I keep telling myself that…it so easily could have been me. I know this. Logically.
You’re 100% right. You know the whole you can lead ‘em to water thing. I am sure this one hit him hard, so hopefully it will help him remember down the road.
Susan @ Sassafrassery recently posted..Birthday
Gah. Is all I can say. It’s one of the (many) situations that sometimes is only solved by biting my tongue. I hear ya.
mosey recently posted..putting on my shoes
This brought back the guilt I STILL feel for forgetting to be tooth fairy once .. two nights in a row. I suck. I was so exhausted … my husband travels ALL the time and that’s no excuse … but I forgot (twice) and years later I still have so much guilt. Ugh – !
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Issa Reply:
August 19th, 2010 at 1:29 pm
@Twenty Four At Heart, Yeah. I just…I know, it could have been me. It has been me too.
Ugh … I am so sorry to read this … I can feel your frustration and your daughters pain right here through this screen. Disappointment in a spouse (ex or not) is an awful feeling. Here’s hoping that maybe, just maybe things will go better next time.
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That was a tough lesson for me to learn as well. But once I did, I never felt freer. Once I decided that it’s HIS job to be the dad he’s supposed to be, and I stopped taking responsibility for it… wow, what a difference. Yes, it is unfair to your kids. I know. It sucks. Divorce sucks. But you get to be the mom who is there for your kids. With hugs and encouragement and they will know they can depend on you.
xoxo
Lex (@laprimera) recently posted..She’s Four!
Issa Reply:
August 19th, 2010 at 1:30 pm
@Lex (@laprimera), I’m a work in progress Lex. I am working on it…the not letting each thing he does feel like a personal attack. I know that this one? Could have easily been me. I do. Logically.
I hate reading this. My sister goes through the same thing with her ex and it makes me so sad and irritated all at the same time. My nephew is quite loquacious and often tells my sister that she’s a stick in the mud and that Daddy is so fun and blah blah blah. Of COURSE Daddy is fun…he plays video games all day long and can’t remember appointments!
Anyway, I am sorry you are going through this.
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I can see why this is tough for you. This man has moved on from you and he is no longer your concern. But his children are still your responsibility because they are your kids too. Anything that involves him alone is not your responsibility but wouldn’t it have been worth reminding him just to see the look on your daughter’s face when he was there? It sounds harsh but you could have prevented her pain and that should always be the priority over watching your ex sink at her expense.
Issa Reply:
August 26th, 2010 at 9:18 am
@schoolcomms, The thing is I did remind him. She also had her gymnastic bag with her at camp that day when he picked her up. He also, like I said, has the exact same activity calendar list as I do. I know it, because I gave it to him.
At what point do we expect men to be responsible? At what point am I supposed to step in and do everything for him, even though at nearly 31 years old, he is a capable adult? I would have thought it was when he left me in January. I guess what I’m hearing is that I’m wrong?
Missing a gymnastics class didn’t affect her life forever. She’s already forgotten it. I will do anything to prevent my children from pain, when I’m able. But as a divorcing mother, I am not always going to be able too.
Hmm…I’m not sure of your arrangement but I can share what I’ve done for oh, 12 years of divorce and co-parenting.
Bascially, we split his activities up. I’m in charge of music lessons all school and homework projects and theater. He is in charge of wrestling, scouts and any other sports (swimming, tball, etc.)
That means everything: Practices, games, fees, expenses.
For us it was just easier than trying to juggle who picks him up at what, who pays for what.
That way, my kid knew that I was in charge and responsible or his father was. End of story.
OF COURSE, if there were circumstances and rare issues, we are both very flexible and pick up the slack in times of illness, need, etc. Neither of us have taken advantage.
Of course, my ex is a very involved dad. James is his only child so he is very vested.
Whatever happens, I wish you so much luck in this. It is a tough row to hoe (and I had the most amiable divorce ever and I have still wanted to throttle him at times and have had a VERY hard time holding my tongue in front of my kids about things like money and pure awful he’s spouted. But I’ve fought to have it civil and caring and so has he and it’s worked.)
much love, babe. xo
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Issa Reply:
August 26th, 2010 at 10:02 am
@Loralee, We have that too. In reality, we have a decent divorce agreement and we get along pretty well considering, it’s just so new. I think that’s where the issue comes in. He’s so used to me doing it all…that on occasion, things are falling through the cracks. We didn’t sign them up for anything in the Spring or Summer, for this reason. Now, it’s a how do we both do this, type thing.
Of course…I also signed them up for things on his night and I like your idea of me doing things on my nights.
Thank you.
Gosh I could have written this WHOLE thing about a year ago. Heck, even about 8 months ago. Sometimes even last week.
It’s so hard to step back and allow the sink or swim to happen because you know it hurts your children and that, in turn, hurts your heart. You already know this.
I will say though that it has made my ex a MUCH better father. When we were married he was always on the sidelines and many of our issues stemmed from him not understanding what it took to run a family. He earned the money and that should be enough, right? I think he thought the Family Fairy came in and handled everything.
2 years post divorce and he has privately apologized to me for not respecting how difficult it was to juggle Dr appointments, lessons, school assignments, PTO obligations, household chores and, most of the time, an outside the home job as well. Of course vindication did not save our marriage but it certainly helped some of the healing of being told I wasn’t living up to my role as a mother.
I guess I just made it look easy. You probably have too.
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Your post made me remember all of this. All of the times I felt like a spectator in half of my son’s life. His dad left when he was 5. It hurt like hell. And now…he is 19 (almost 20) and it is okay. Better than okay. My son is amazing. He adores me. I adore him. He knows I did my best. I am his rock, and that makes me proud.
I know your pain and that it is really impossible to explain it to someone that has never been in that situation. Sending strong, positive thoughts your way.