I’ve always had trouble taking compliments. I have a theory on why, but let’s just leave it at, when you’ve been abused as a kid, you tend to think you aren’t worth much. Part of it, I think I’ve gotten better at. Some of it may be a life long struggle. I try, I really do, but I tend to think I fail.
When people say something nice to me, I tend to come up with a million reasons in my head, as to why it’s not real. I berate myself. In my head. Sometimes outloud. Although I learned long ago to keep most of that to myself, because people then get a bit yelly. It’s not easy. To take a compliment as just a compliment. To hear the words and believe what people are saying, when you sometimes hate yourself. I know someone will yell at me for that. But a lot of times I do hate myself. I feel that I’m worthless. I know logically why I feel that way at times, yet, I’m not always able to stop it.
This past week has been a challenge for me. To go to a conference and have people want to meet me. Little ole me. Just because. Last year, I was able to tell myself, well I did that keynote, so they know who I am.
Yet there was 2,400 hundred people at the Hilton this past weekend and some people wanted to meet me. For the key reason, that they just wanted to meet me. This year, people said hi to me in elevators. Just because. People hugged me in the hallway. Just because. I didn’t do anything special this year. I was just me.
Do you know how strange that is for me?
I’ve cried about 12 times this past week, reading re-caps. You know why? Because people have said nice things about me. People who didn’t manage to meet me have said, I wish I’d met you. Some people told me, I was a reason they had a great time, I made their experience better. It warms my heart to hear that.
It’s strange for me though. It’s awesome and I love it, but it’s strange. I don’t always find myself worthy of this community. I generally feel like I don’t bring much too it.
What I do know? These past few days, instead of reading nice things about myself through a filter, through my filter, I just read them. I absorbed them. They made me smile, they made me cry. I believed them.
Progress. Small progress. But it’s something.
This year? I see photos of myself and I think, I truly love that photo. I haven’t picked apart how I looked in any of them.
I just love them.
So thank you. You and you and you. All of you. Just….thank you.
I am sad. I am having trouble with coming home to reality. It makes it worse that my kids are gone until Saturday morning.
I was sad and lonely enough, that I went and picked up the dog. If you know me, you may find that funny, since I am not a huge fan of my dog.
I miss my friends. I miss feeling that supported. Four days just wasn’t kong enough to hold me over. Maybe it was. I don’t know. Maybe I just need a few more days and I will be okay. Maybe I just need my kids. Possibly I need to start planning my next weekend getaway.
The thing is, I met all of my closest friends online, so it’s not as if I’m not good at this way of friendship. Normally it works out okay. Normally I deal with it just fine.
Four days straight of hugs and conversations in person, though, reminds me what I am missing. When I come home and don’t get invited to see a new baby in the family. Because its not my family anymore. When I go pick up my dog from a friend watching her, and my friend doesn’t even care enough to ask how my trip was. Because I’m not really her friend anymore.
It all reminds me that I have the greatest support system and the greatest friends in the world, they just don’t happen to live anywhere near me.
It’s hard, that’s all. It’s hard to be home. I had a blast, an absolute blast, but tonight? I’m sad and I miss my friends.
First, hi. I’ve missed you all. I’ve missed my little spot over here this past week.
I had the most amazing four days. Truly. I figure, since I’m me…and I’m completely exhausted…I’ll make you all a short list of reasons why I will be at next years conference.
1. I have the greatest friends in the entire world. People like my roomies Kari and Stacey who make me feel like I’ve known them forever. People who I can’t imagine my life without. People who I was so incredibly sad to leave after four days. I am already planning out how to get to San Diego just to spend more time with them. This is why I will be there. To see them. To hug them. To spend days talking to them.
2. I met some of the most amazing people ever. Jill, Jodi, Betsy, Maggie, Kim, Jessi, Kat. I know there are so many people I will be forgetting….please to be forgiving me. But hugging in person, people who you talk to daily? Is just a huge reason I do this every year. People who crack you up. People who make you think. People who make you feel okay about continuing to do this. People who help you remember why you stay in this crazy online world, despite the drama that goes on. Each year the group is a bit different, but it so far has made me realize, it’s just a chance to spend time with new people.
Meeting people who you immediately wonder how you’d never run across them in the community. People like Lisa. Wendi. People who are so nice and funny and genuine and you wonder how in the world you haven’t been following them this whole time.
Finally meeting people who you’ve talked to for years but never gotten to meet before. Liz, Kristen, Carmen.
Meeting all of those people? So worth my trip.
Seeing, hugging, eating with people you already know? It’s why I keep doing this.
3. Meals that somehow just work out. Meals with ten people. Four who you invited, four more who others invited, two who you managed to pick up in the lobby. Meals that were planned by basically inviting people and then inviting more people, until you get the random amazing group who ends up going. Because we all know, people are busy. People are trying to fit everything in. Meals, where it’s great whoever shows up. Meals, that you aren’t wanting to end. Because the conversations are so stimulating. So fun. So entertaining. It makes it worthwhile. It makes you trip. Inpromtu brunches and lunches and dinners at new restaurants? Are why I do this.
By the way? Serendipity? A life goal I have now accomplished. Frozen hot chocolate? Worth the airfare to NYC alone.
4. Watching your friend give a phenomenal keynote and watching all the other amazing people up there share their words, their stories.
5. Late night conversations in bed the last night. Sharing secrets, sharing stories, catching up with your friends after the lights are off. When after 2am, someone finally says, no matter how late we stay up, we still have to leave tomorrow, so maybe we should get a bit of sleep.
6. Sparklecorn. MamaPop managed to out-do themselves this year. I love that party. In fact? It was the only one I actually managed to attend. I would like to RSVP for next year. Like now. Can I do that please? Tracey? Amy? What do you say? Ha. You all did an amazing job with that party. I can’t even imagine how much work went into it. DUDE!!!! That cake. So good.
I tried to get to other parties. Something about BlogHer though? You just have to go with the flow. The flow for me this year? Was just have fun. Not feel stressed. There’s just no way to do it all.
7. Conversations about you. Yes you. You too. Oh and you, hidden in the back. We talk about you. In good ways. We talk about friends we wish were there. Best friends who weren’t able to make it. People we met last year. People we love. Blogs we adore. Blogs we read every day. We talk about how we wish you could all make it next year. How we sometimes want to hug every person who is lovely in our comments, especially on hard posts. We talk about you. We remember you. We miss you.
8. Hearing a friend, someone who you adore say: I was ready to be done. But this has helped me see, I’m not done. That makes it all worth it.
9. A day spent wandering New York with one of your best friends.
10. Seeing a new city. It really is a fun thing to explore a city you’ve never been too. I’d never seen NYC. I have been to San Diego many, many times. But exploring it with my friends next year? Will be awesome.
BlogHer 10 was amazing. I loved it. I did what I wanted. Enjoyed my friends. Saw a new city. Had an absolute blast. I am sure there was drama, but I wasn’t involved in any of it and I’m not willing to give it the time of day. BlogHer is what you make of it. I made my BlogHer experience a great one. The staff of BlogHer did a fabulous job and I want to thank them.
So, yes…I will be at BlogHer11 in San Diego.
I should be packing. I should be working. I should be doing a lot of things that I’m not doing. Maybe printing out all of the things I need out of my email. Folding laundry. Cleaning my kitchen. Taking out my trash. Locating my ear bud things for my iPod. Trying to figure out why I can never find those dang things, seeing how I know we must have twelve pairs in this house. Getting ready for BlogHer. Oh maybe even looking at the conference packet and deciding what sessions I may be interested in.
What am I doing instead?
Posting non-sense.
Reading blogs. Because I want my reader to be on zero when I leave. Makes complete sense, yes?
Editing photos in iPhoto. Just because I’ve been meaning to do that for a year at least.
Paying attention to Twitter. Because well, it’s more fun than working.
Checking FedEx every ten minutes. Just waiting for the, your new IPHONE HAS BEEN DELIVERED status. Yeah, so far no go. But it’s on the truck.
Sitting here, willing my suitcase to figure out what I want to pack and do it all for me.
Playing Bejeweled.
I *may* be a complete procrastinator. I work best under pressure. Something like that.
Last week, I wrote about post about me. I thought this week, I’d do something a bit different. A get to know my readers post. This is really going to be a long week for me (two jobs, packing, BlogHer) and posting may be light. (It could also be normal, because I’m a big giant spaz, but who knows.)
Truly though, I thought it might be cool to get to know all of you. A lot of you have blogs that I read. You know, when I get around to reading blogs, which is rare these days. Some of you don’t.
If you think I’m being strange asking these questions, you should see the things I make my best friends do, when I’m having a bad day. I tend to call it, humoring Issa. See, aren’t you glad I don’t do this to you often? No need to answer that one.
Moving on:
1. Married? Kids? Names and ages? Animals? I mean if you are willing to tell me. I adore names.
2. If you could have any super power, what would it be?
3. You’re given 1 million dollars, what do you spend it on?
4. You are having twins. Congrats. What would you name them?
5. What’s one thing you miss about being a kid?
6. Where would you like to retire too, if money were no option?
7. Favorite cereal?
8. Autobots or Deciptcons?
9. Who was your first celebrity crush? Who is it now?
10. Do you have a best friend? More than one? What’s your favorite quality in each of them?
11. What is one thing you adore about each of your kids? (or spouse. or pet.)
12. What is your most listened too song on iTunes?
13. What’s a new blog that you love?
14. Ever been to NYC? What’s one thing I should see/place I should eat?
15. Are you going to BlogHer? Would you like to meet me?
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