Nine months later and I still wake up at 5am every dam day. You’d think eventually I’d get used to it. That eventually I’d of stopped waking up each day at that time. But no. No such luck, not yet.
Logan always woke up at 5am. He’d get up, shower, go to the gym and then go to work from there. It was his thing. On days where he did that, I’d barely wake up and roll over and go back to sleep. After years of it, I even woke up at 5am on days he didn’t get up that early. Sometimes it would annoy me, because I’d not be able to fall back asleep for an hour. Sometimes I barely even noticed it. Yet, each day I’d wake up at that time. Without fail.
Nine months. It’s been nine months since he left.
Some things I’ve gotten used too. Nights used to be really hard for me. Falling asleep alone, used to be so hard. For months and months I cried every night. Few months ago, I stopped. I got used to it. Sleeping alone. Or well as alone as one is with a half time cuddly six year old in ones bed.
I got used to the quiet when the kids are with him. Took a long time. But I’m used to it now. On occasion, I even enjoy it. Mostly though, I’m just used to it.
I got used to taking out the trash on the correct day, changing light bulbs, dealing with the dog all the time, buying and making less food, doing all kid duty on my days, alone. I got used to all that. I adapted. Maybe not always well, but I’ve adapted.
Hell, I even say I now, most of the time, instead of we. Progress.
Yet, every morning I wake up at 5am. It’s a sad reminder each day of what’s missing. Every morning, it’s a reminder of what I lost. My 5am reminder. Some days, I roll over and go back to sleep. Sometimes I lay there for a bit. On occasion, on a day like today, I cry. Because I’m still not used to this new life.
It’s my Achilles heel. 5am.
22 Responses to My Achilles heel
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((hugs)) my friend. And remember 5 AM your time is like 7 AM my time and the girls are already off to school so if you need an ear to call or text just do it. I will be there.
domestic extraordinaire recently posted..Summers End
Issa Reply:
September 10th, 2010 at 9:16 am
@domestic extraordinaire, Thank you sweets. I try so hard to turn over and go back to sleep. Most days I can. But not always.
Those morning wakeups are something I relate to – once that alarm is set in my head, I’m done for.
That said, an achilles heel is defined as a something that makes a person weak, which you are NOT, in my opinion. Maybe you should redefine that 5 a.m. “alarm” – as something that really does define you – whether it’s as simple as a time that is just for you, or a time to focus on just how AWESOME you are.
xx
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Issa Reply:
September 10th, 2010 at 9:17 am
@mosey, I will try to remember that. Too bad it wasn’t say 7am…that’d be easier.
It makes me feel weak. In that moment, it makes me feel weak. I hate that.
I’m was thinking along the same lines as Mosey. 5 a.m. needs to be redefined for you and made your own. It may be easier said than done, but over time it will be possible. Do something enough, it becomes a habit. If you’re not able to sleep in, then try to think of things that might make 5 a.m. your time to own. My sister-in-law purposefully wakes up at 4:30 a.m. everyday despite having my brother still asleep and no kids in the house (second marriage, all kids are grown), just because she likes that time before the rest of the city around her gets going. She makes a cup of coffee, cuddles the dog, does some yoga, checks her emails – all stuff that she enjoys before she gets to the stuff she *has* to do later.
If the 5 a.m. quiet in the house feels lonely, perhaps turn on a radio, record a favorite television show and make 5 a.m. your time to watch it in bed, maybe read a book that you keep on the night table so you don’t even need to leave the coziness of the bed – whatever holds the possibility of some pleasure for you. It doesn’t really matter what the activity is, as long as 5 a.m. becomes YOUR time, and you break the association it currently holds.
You’ve already made progress Issa in so many ways. And it’s only been nine months. Really not long in the scope of things. I give you so much credit. One day at a time honey. You’ll get through this. Believe it or not, there will come a day when 5 a.m. will come and go, asleep or awake, and Logan won’t even me be a thought in your mind that morning. He simply won’t have the same emotional influence over you. You’ll see. xx
Issa Reply:
September 10th, 2010 at 9:19 am
@Elise, I like that idea, if it were a later time. But I have so much trouble falling asleep at night, that 5am is just too dam early to wake up.
In time…I hope it will go away. I believe it will. I just also didn’t think I’d still wake up each day still, all this time later. (I tend to think 9mo is a long ass time.)
Elise Reply:
September 10th, 2010 at 1:43 pm
@Issa, I hear you hon. Here’s another thought. It may sound dumb, but just maybe it could help. What if you put your alarm clock across the room, backwards, so you can’t see the time and it’s too far from your reach for you to be tempted to peek at the time. If you need to be up at a certain time to get the kids ready for school, set the alarm accordingly. But do not allow yourself to look at that clock until the alarm goes off. If you wake up on your own, you won’t know what time it is – it could be 4 a.m. or 7 a.m. – it will all be just a guess unless of course it’s light out. And THAT would be a good thing because you’d know it was later. Right now you’re conditioned to wake up at a certain time, and I’m guessing when you wake up you glance at the clock and confirm the time. Somehow, someway, that cycle has to get broken. Whatever tricks you use to make that happen are worth trying. It won’t happen overnight, and it might be frustrating to not know the time, but really the time doesn’t matter until you actually need to get up for the day. If you’re afraid to trust the alarm, set a second one to go off five or ten minutes after the first.
I know the situation sucks babe. By nature I’m not a morning person. Lately I’ve been under a particularly lot of stress, and for almost two weeks straight I was waking up with a *huge* startle after just a couple hours of sleep. I’d go from sound asleep to heart pounding, panic attack wide awake – feeling like I couldn’t take a deep breath. My poor boyfriend got smacked awake by me a couple of times because I reached out so frantically as I startled awake. So believe me, I understand suckiness, and whatever form it shows up in it’s all no fun.
I so hope for you that 5 a.m. finds you peacefully sound asleep before too long.
Issa Reply:
September 10th, 2010 at 1:48 pm
@Elise, Oh it’s not dumb, not in the least. I actually don’t have a clock in my room. Ever since cell phones, I haven’t had one. I don’t even look at it…but I still know what time it is. My cell phone alarm goes of at 6:47am during the week. Although that is just so I can hit snooze three times before I have to get up. (I have mornings down to an exact science.)
Although as it gets darker later and later in the mornings, it could be easier to not know what time it is.
Boyfriend smacking…hehehe.
Oops, didn’t mean to write “I’m was thinking” – geesh. I meant, “I was thinking…” But of course you knew that. This is just my need not to sound like a hillbilly or something
I have never been a big fan of 5 AM. After this, I think we have a pretty solid argument for just wiping it off the clock completely. It might even help solve some of the daylight savings time change debate–one less hour to argue over. I’ll start the petition right now. Down with 5 AM!!
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Issa Reply:
September 10th, 2010 at 9:19 am
@Allyson, Done. I’ll sign it.
I agree with Mosey and Elise. In fact, I started getting up at 5:30 am recently so I could have alone time to pray and mediate. Maybe God’s trying to tell you something waking up at 5:00 am.
Mary @ A Simple Twist of Faith recently posted..Circle Time
Issa Reply:
September 10th, 2010 at 9:20 am
@Mary @ A Simple Twist of Faith, I am such a bad sleeper, that it’s just not possible for me to get up that early. I think your idea is good…but it’s just too early for me. I’m an insomniac, so mornings are hard in general.
Ack. What a shitty reminder. Not that any reminder would be good, but hell… 5am is especially terrible. No one should have to be up at 5am. And no one should ever, ever be up and sad at 5 am.
followingtheroad recently posted..There was a party I survived Barely The end
Issa Reply:
September 10th, 2010 at 9:21 am
@followingtheroad, Agree. Completely.
I think I’d be the same exact way. Ugh……hugs babe.
becky recently posted..The best medicine…
I hate waking up at any time before the sixes. Preferably sevens. It’s inhuman. And inhumane. Curse him for training you to get up so early.
No, seriously (I mean I seriously do hate waking up before the sixes), but seriously as a comment, the wee hours of the morning are hard. Grey. Serious. Lonely. I get it. XO.
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Issa Reply:
September 13th, 2010 at 3:43 pm
@anymommy, Agree. Fully. Anytime before the sun is out. Even when the sun is out, in the summer.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was “the only way out is through.” I think you have to feel what you feel to get to the other side. And I think you will get to the other side, it just takes time.
Issa Reply:
September 13th, 2010 at 3:42 pm
@jodifur, Thank you. I believe you. I really do. I can look back now and see that I’ve come a long way…but I know there is so much more to deal with.
Well that sucks in a lot of ways. BLARGH. I do the same thing on days when I could sleep in cuz the kids are sleeping over at my mom’s, or Hubby has them in the morning.
MommyGeek recently posted..Spoon Heating Element Strainer
Ugh, silent tears. For you. For me. For sleeping alone. It sucks. And waking up at the ass crack of dawn for no apparent reason sucks big monkey dick too.