Monthly Archives: October 2010

Long weekend away, renewed my soul.

Friends who are more like family.

Still eating California bread and chocolates.

Kids had a blast with daddy.

Grandparents catered to their every whim.

Came home spoiled rotten. As usual.

Pumpkins carved. Costumes bought. Excited kids.

Hermoine, a mummy and Iron Man.

Twick da tweat, my son says.

Pumpkin shaped cookies, tomorrows baking plan.

Nerds. Air Heads. I won’t eat.

Dreams of stealing Reece’s. I’m awesome.

Today’s post brought to you by Mucinex, Lotion Filled Kleenex, Halls Cough Drops and coffee.  Oh and Six Word Fridays.

For more 30 days of truth: Day 1, 2, 3.

Today I have to forgive two people who I have held a major grudge against for some time now. It’s not an easy one to forgive, because I have cursed these two people, for as long as I’ve had children.

You see, I’ve always despised these men for their invention. It’s a menace to society. If it were up to me, I’d ban it from the world. I’ve already banned it from my home. It’s gets everywhere, it’s ruined my carpets. The smell makes me want to throw things at the creators. Large heavy objects mine you, not the very thing they made. After awhile, it all looks the same color. Crumbly, moldy poop brown. If that were a real color, that is what I’d say this stuff looks like after a few days.

Today however, I must forgive them. I doubt they truly knew what they were doing. Noah McVicker and Joseph McVicker? Today I forgive you. I forgive you and your blasted invention, Play-Doh. I still won’t allow it in my house, but I do forgive you.

xoxo, The crazy lady

Sometimes I get down, when I realize I have no one here. It can be very lonely.  All of my friends live elsewhere. My three best friends, each live in different states, scattered over the US. There are days where I’d give just about anything to be able to go have coffee with them at their houses. To sit and talk. To go to dinner. Something. Anything. There are days when it makes me feel bad to know that without the Internet, I’d have no friends and social life.

Other times I realize how absolutely lucky I really am. I have the greatest friends in the world. People all over the US who I am lucky enough to call true friends. People I can chat with, text with and email with. People I could call if I needed someone to talk too. People who would open up their home to me for a few days, if I was in their area. People who take me, as me; just as I am. You can’t beat that type of friendship. I count myself blessed every day that I have it.

I spent a long weekend in California. A long amazing weekend. It wasn’t amazing because I did extraordinary things. I was just there. I spent time with friends. I played Angry Birds Halloween. I watched my friends son, when she ended up having to take her daughter to urgent care. I got sick on my last night there. Life you know? Just normal life.

It’s the small things though, the small moments that help me stay positive when I am home. The small moments that I can pull out and look at in my head later, on days when I need them. These are the things that remind me that I’m not alone.

Things like spending a few hours sitting on a couch, talking and laughing about the idiocy of sports figures. *cough* Brett Farve *cough* Making fun of a certain pitcher who has now famous facial hair. Joking about his weirdness. Reminding ourselves and each other that just because they do one thing so well that we all know who they are, doesn’t really make them anything other than human beings, who just happen to be famous.

Things like spending a day running errands with my best friend. Do I care that we went grocery shopping? Nope. We did other things too. But I don’t care that we did the normal things that all of us have to do every week. Doesn’t matter. I spent a day with my best friend. That’s all that matters.

An afternoon spent with this amazing woman, who drove a total of 18 hours this weekend, with her three children, to spend a few hours with friends. Priceless she said in her post and I have to say, I fully agree. At the end of the afternoon, we both stood there, continuing to talk, not wanting to leave the mall, even though the reality was, we were both going home to change, to then have dinner together. But she knows, as well as I do, how precious these minutes can be.

Dinner at a cozy restaurant with four friends. A conversation that covered a little bit of everything. Simple, easy, fun. Trying to hug people enough times until we meet again.

A day spent talking with friends, about sleep training, how fast the newborn phase goes and laughing about the most coveted baby toy on the market sounding exactly like a dog toy. Nom’ing on tiny baby cheeks.

Playing swords with two crazy little kids one night. Watching him play soccer a few times. Laughing as she does crazy things, such as eating an entire spoonful of butter at brunch, instead of her muffin. Knowing that I adore these kids as much as I could possibly adore kids that aren’t mine.

Was I sad to go home yesterday, yes. I always am. However, I’ve gotten better about it. I know now, there will be a next time. I’ve proved that to myself. These are my people, there will always be a next time.

I drink these moments up. Soak them into me, as deep as they’ll go. All the way to the bones in my toes. I hold onto them, knowing that it will be awhile before the next time. It’s not the same, as if I lived close to all these people, but it’s still great. I’ll take it when I can get it and know, that they are all here for me, even when it’s just over this crazy Internet world.

See my pretty new duds? I’m in love. What do you think?

Big huge thank you to my very lovely and talented best friend Jenna for the re-design. Because my own site (or more likely WordPress on my iPad) is now try to eat me I can’t seem to link to Jenna. But you can find her at http://allaboutavacakes.com. She is awesome and I love her.

Also please check out my widget on the bottom left hand corner. It’s where you will find other peoples posts that I’m in love with this week.

1. Tomorrow morning, at the butt crack of dawn, I am leaving on vacation. I will be home on Tuesday. I need this trip. I need a few days away from my life. A few days of hanging out somewhere else. Eat cupcakes to my divorce. Something, ya know? I am so excited for this trip, however the time that my flight is in the morning, makes me question my own sanity.

2. I have had trouble sleeping the past few nights. I’d been in a better sleeping stretch for a while, but it seems to have left me. Have you seen it? I’d really like it back.

3. Last Saturday, Morgan had her very first dance recital. She has now been hit by the dancing bug. She wants to double up on her dance classes. Which would be fine if I didn’t have two other children who deserve to take classes too. She loved being on the stage and having everyone clap. I’m not even bragging when I tell you that my girl has mad skills. She is a great dancer. Truly.

4. I can’t decide whether I will post while I’m gone or just not bother. We’ll see. I’d have to write said posts today and I’m just not sure I have the energy for that. If I don’t? Well I will be seeing you all next week.

5. Yesterday Mom101 started National Thank a Blogger Day. You can also see it on Twitter with the hashtag, #thankablogger. I love her for this and a ton of other reasons. This one though? Is a great idea. It was nice to see everyone thanking others yesterday. I could thank people for the next three days and I don’t think I’d be able to mention everyone. Mostly though? I’d like to thank all of you. Those who are my friends. Those of you who comment. Those of you who read and never comment. Thank you. Each of you, for being here for me for the past few years. I don’t know what I would have done without all of you.

For more 30 days of truth: Day 1, 2.

There are a lot of things I should probably work on forgiving myself for. Some I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to though. This is the hardest one though. You’ll have to forgive me, for only giving some details, as it’s not really my story to tell.

When I was eleven, I made a choice one day. A choice any child at any time could have made. This one though? It changed my families life forever. A simple decision, is what it seemed at the time.

I asked my aunt if she’d take me shopping with her for the day and not let my brother come along. I was eleven. He was nine. He was annoying. My mom had left us with my aunt for part of Spring Break, because she had a school conference she had to go to.

Such a simple thing. Time away from my annoying little brother. Didn’t seem like a big deal. My aunt agreed. She made my brother stay home, with her husband and son.

Took two years for my brother to speak his truth. To tell my mother what happened to him. Years later when the truth of what happened to my brother had become old news, I asked him when exactly this all had happened. That day. It was that day. That day that I made a choice to exclude him for my own silly reasons.

I could have protected him. I could have stopped being a drama queen bratty tween for one day. I could have let the little shit come to the god dam grocery store with us. I should have. If I could undo one moment in time, it would have been that.

I’ve never forgiven myself for that. I always protected my baby brother. Always. Even when he was an annoying shit, I protected him. I loved him. He is my friend, as well as my brother. But that day, I choose to be selfish and his life was changed forever because of it.

The truth is, I know logically that I have to forgive myself. I didn’t want that. I didn’t choose that. I never would have intentionally let anyone hurt my brother. Yet, I’m not sure I will ever forgive myself for it.

I have some things I need to tell you all he said. People kept talking. He stood there in front of us until everyone stopped. It only took a minute or two. He had that ability. He had a presence. He wasn’t super tall. He was rather skinny. He didn’t raise his voice. He just had a presence.

When he had our attention, he said: so I need to be honest with you all. This year, this class, all of you, will be the last children I ever teach. At the end of the year I will retire.

I remember being shocked. He was the most loved teacher in our school. He was old, but not old. My mom now says, he was only in his late 40′s at the time. He was tough and real and never took shit from anyone. But the entire school wanted to be in his class. The staff loved him, all the parents loved him, he was that guy. The guy that you hope knows your name. He taught fifth grade. We were ten years old. I remember wanting to be in his class from second grade on.

He continued talking.

This year is my last year teaching, because I have a disease called ALS. Also known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease. I am one of Jerry’s kids. He explained to us his disease. Explained how it would debilitate him slowly. That it attacks your muscles and would eventually attack his heart and lung muscles. He explained what being one of Jerry’s kids meant. Most of us sat there and cried. I found out this summer, he told us. They’d been testing me for various things for a year. We figure I’ve had it for up to five years.

The kid next to me raised his hand. He was the morbid kid. I’d swear there was one in every class. Jeremy was ours. The kid who read Stephen King Novels at recess. We all made fun of him for that. His death and dying weird fascination, I think made us all nervous. (Then again, he’s a heart surgeon now and probably makes more money than the rest of the class, so um Jeremy? I’m sorry. Yay Stephen King novels at ten years old.) That day though, he asked the question we all wanted to ask. Are you dying?

Yes, was the answer. But you know, we are all dying. One day, we all die. I’m a lot older than any of you. It’s just god’s plan. I guarantee you though, I won’t die on you this year.

I could have stopped teaching, he said. But I thought to myself, if I have three good years left, which is what they tell me, I want one more year to influence you all. I want one more year to do some good in the world. To teach you. Teaching has always been my favorite thing to do. I will do it for one more year and then I will travel with my wife and children for however long I am able.

I picked each of you by hand. The 22 of you in this class need to know, that I hand picked you. They don’t normally let us do that, pick kids ourselves. Normally what happens is your teachers from last year get together and place you in the following years classes. Yet this year they let me. Each of you is here for a reason. You don’t have to know why, just know I wanted the honor of teaching you all.

Then he answered some questions, explained to us that all of our parents would be in the class at various times helping out and then he moved onto our math lesson. Oh wait, one more thing he said…..sometimes I can’t feel my boogers. So y’all just tell me if you see them okay? We all laughed. The fact alone was that a teacher just said boogers out loud. It was funny. It broke the ice. He in one sentence went from being the guy who is dying, back to being our silly teacher.

Mr. A was a great teacher. He was insane though. Or insane to a ten year olds mind. He made us learn Square Dancing. One day a week (the day without art, gym or computer class) for the entire year, he made us Square Dance. He was convinced we may need it later in life. It’s very popular don’t you know? Square Dancing. Snort. We never got to pick out own dance mate. He did it for us. Square Dancing at ten years old. It was torture.

He made us sit in desk groups of four. Two boys and two girls to a group. If you were a girl, you had a boy next to you and across from you. Every few weeks, we’d come in on a Monday and he’d of completely rearranged them again. We’d get to play the fun game of, find your desk again.

Once a week a parent came in and did some type of project with us. My mom did paper mache somethings. I can’t remember what, but I remember doing it. Others did science projects, cooking class, music….one woman even tried to teach us yoga.

Mr. A threw major Halloween, Christmas and Valentines day parties. We learned how to make Latkes for Hanukkah. We made kites for Chinese New Year. He thought any holiday deserved to be celebrated, so we celebrated them all. We’d learn about it one week and then the next week, all extra activities would be about it.

He took us, along with a ton of parents, camping for three days at the end of the year. He said it was good life training for us city kids. We needed to learn about dirt, trees and rocks. No other class or teacher did that. We all raised the money for this ourselves. We ran bake sales. We washed cars. It was a major class project.

If we went and told him a boy was teasing us, he’d say, awwww he’s just sweet on you, you go on now and tell him thank you. Ha. We never got sympathy on that.

He told us stories of  “back in the day”. He could have written for Bill Cosby. Seriously.

He made us act out the stories we read. He made each of us, read out loud and take turns writing things on the board.

He didn’t tolerate back-talking, name calling, fighting or the petty drama that ten year old girls tend to thrive on, in his class.

He knew all of our parents and siblings by name.

He was a great teacher. I strove to get all A’s in his class, even though I had trouble with math and spelling that year. We all strove for greatness in his class. Not because he was sick, but because he believed in us. He believed we could be great. He believed in us. In turn, we believed in him. I’ve never since had that great of a teacher. I’ve had quite a few good ones, but none that I’d call great.

He did exactly what he said. He taught us for that last year and then he took off in an RV for nearly 18 months with his wife and two grown children. He lived in my neighborhood, so I saw him a few more times once they got back. Each time he looked more like an 80 year old man, than a man around 50. When he passed away, halfway through my 8th grade year, 700 people showed up at his funeral. 700 people. Family, friends, teachers, students old and young, showed up to pay their respects. They literally closed school that day.

20 years later and I remember him and that year, more than any school year prior. The man left his mark.

She asked me last week if given the chance, would I take him back. For the first time in ten months, the answer was no. I’m not sure when the last time was that we’d had that conversation, but at the time the answer had been yes. Yes I’d of taken him back. Yes, I’d of tried again. Yes, I’d of forgiven him for everything. Yes, yes, YES!

I answered no last week. I meant it with ever fiber of my being. I can’t go backwards I said. I can only move forwards. I wouldn’t do that to myself, or to my children, not even if he begged. He wouldn’t mind you, but still, my answer to the question is now no. That door has been closed.

How things change. In January when he left, I wasn’t sure I’d make it to today. I thought that the pain of of it would just break my heart and I’d cease to exist. In that moment, I was even in denial. I’ve been through it all. All the stages of grief, some even a second round. The me back then, wouldn’t recognize the me today. The past year has been the darkest and hardest of my life. I’d like to lie to you and tell you otherwise, but it’s not true. There were days that I wouldn’t have made it without my best friends. They were like a life boat. My life boat. Holding on to me to keep me from sinking. I could spend the rest of my life thanking them and it wouldn’t be enough. I know it’s a silly line from a television show, but they are my people. They let me be me. They let me grieve. They let me process. They are my people.

There is a photo I have of my best friend Liz and I. It was taken in April at my friend Kirsten’s house, a few nights before my 30th birthday. I love that photo, because it is of us. However, I also don’t like it. Because when I look at it, I see how sad I was. How depressed I was. How completely emotionally exhausted I was at that time. I remember how I completely and fully fell apart a few days later. I see all of that in that photo. It’s my reminder of that time period in my life. There was nothing but sadness in my eyes, even though I’m smiling in the photo. Even though I know I had fun that night.

I had hoped that today, I’d feel better. That today, the day my divorce is final, I’d feel a sense of relief. I don’t. I’m sad. I have regrets. I wish things had been different. I can’t undo that.

We almost made it eleven years. It seemed long at the time. Maybe it was for a marriage that starts at nineteen years old. If you add in the five years we dated prior to marriage, it’s downright amazing. Or it was until it ended. He had half of my life. Half of my life was spent with him. I am 30 years old. I was with him at 14 years old. That’s just shocking to me.

I will be honest, I still don’t know who I am without him. I spent so long with him, that I guess this makes sense. I do know I will figure it out one day. Who I really am. I don’t have to know yet, I don’t have to know in a year. Because I am at least secure in the knowledge that I can survive without him. I wasn’t sure at first. Now I’m sure. I even am okay with being alone now. Not always mind you, but I can deal with it. I have time to figure out who I am.

I feel stronger though. Stronger than I have in a long time. Because I made it. I made it to here. I walked this walk, sometimes one tiny bitsy baby step at a time, and I made it. Today I am just me. The we is gone. Now I am just me. Every day, I feel a tiny bit stronger. I feel like I’m finally figuring out who I am again. The new me. The me that just relies on myself. The me that makes my own decisions. Some days it’s scary. A lot of days it is scary. But I get up each day and do it anyway.

It’s just a piece of paper with today’s date on it, this I know. But it’s the end. The final chapter in a life, my old life. Tomorrow starts a new life. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I do know I’m looking forward to it.

–I heard this song yesterday and it seemed kind of perfect for me.

Sara Evans, A little bit Stronger.

Woke up late today,
and I could still feel the sting of pain,
but I brushed my teeth anyway.
Got dressed through the mess, and
put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work,
and I try to soothe all the hurt.
There’s a song on the radio,
stupid song made me think of you.
I listened to it for a minute,
but then I changed it.
I’m getting a little bit stronger.
Just a little bit stronger.

And I’m not hoping we can work it out.
I’m done with how I feel.
Spinning my wheels,
letting you drag my heart around.
And I’m not thinking you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same.
But I’m telling myself I’ll be OK,
even on my weakest day.
I get a little bit stronger.

It doesn’t happen overnight.
But you turn around and a months gone by,
and you realize you haven’t cried.
I’m not giving you an hour, or a second,
or another minute longer.
I’m busy getting stronger.

And I’m not hoping we could work it out.
I’m done with how I feel.
Spinning my wheels,
letting you drag my heart around.
And I’m not thinking you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same.
But I’m telling myself I’ll be OK,
even on my weakest day.
I get a little bit stronger.
Just a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby.
Better off without you baby.
How does it feel without me baby?
I’m getting stronger without you baby.

And I’m not hoping we could work it out.
I’m done with how I feel.
Spinning my wheels,
letting you drag my heart around.
And I’m not thinking you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same.
But I’m telling myself I’ll be OK,
even on my weakest day.
I get a little bit stronger.
Get a little bit stronger.
Just a little bit stronger.
Little bit, little bit, little bit stronger.
Get a little bit stronger.

For more on my 30 days of truth see this: Day 1.

I love that I can laugh. That I can be funny. That I am able to find silly things to laugh about, even on my worst day.

I’ve been told I’m funny at times. I have a sarcastic wit and I always attributed it to that. Really though, it’s that I love to make people laugh when they are having a shitty day. In general, I love to laugh. I think finding things to laugh at when life is full of crap, has at times, been my saving grace.

I make my friends laugh. Sometimes with me, sometimes at me. I’m okay with both. I make my kids laugh. I laugh at myself. Often. It’s something I truly love about myself.

There is an interesting writing prompt flittering it’s way through the Internet right now. It’s called The 30 Days of Truth. I saw it first at Avitable’s place. For each day, there is a different prompt. Some look easy, some look hard. It could take me a few months to finish them. I thought, I’d do them when I’m lacking something to talk about.

This first one is tough. It’s: what I hate about myself.

I hate that I doubt myself. I consistently doubt myself. I am an over thinker, which at times can be quite annoying. But where they clash is that when I doubt myself, I over think it to death.

I doubt my words. I doubt my actions. I wonder, did I say that right? Did I piss her off? Did I make the right choice there? Will that person talk to me tomorrow?

I hit send on emails and think, what if I could have said that better. I comment places and wonder if I could have offended someone. Which is why I do comment, but not all the time. Because some days it’s just too much work. My inner doubts are tiring.

I send texts, instead of talking on the phone, because I can re-read it 15 times before hand. I don’t call people because I’m so concerned with am I bugging them or do they even want to talk to me. I plan dinners with friends and then wonder if they are all humoring me in showing up. I try not to feel that way, but I lack the ability to just trust in it, instead of doubting it.

I’m working on it. I really truly am. That’s the scary part. Because how the hell do I know if I’m getting any better? My therapist thinks I am making progress. But I pay her. You know?

I am a doubter.  That is what I hate about myself.

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