There is an interesting writing prompt flittering it’s way through the Internet right now. It’s called The 30 Days of Truth. I saw it first at Avitable’s place. For each day, there is a different prompt. Some look easy, some look hard. It could take me a few months to finish them. I thought, I’d do them when I’m lacking something to talk about.

This first one is tough. It’s: what I hate about myself.

I hate that I doubt myself. I consistently doubt myself. I am an over thinker, which at times can be quite annoying. But where they clash is that when I doubt myself, I over think it to death.

I doubt my words. I doubt my actions. I wonder, did I say that right? Did I piss her off? Did I make the right choice there? Will that person talk to me tomorrow?

I hit send on emails and think, what if I could have said that better. I comment places and wonder if I could have offended someone. Which is why I do comment, but not all the time. Because some days it’s just too much work. My inner doubts are tiring.

I send texts, instead of talking on the phone, because I can re-read it 15 times before hand. I don’t call people because I’m so concerned with am I bugging them or do they even want to talk to me. I plan dinners with friends and then wonder if they are all humoring me in showing up. I try not to feel that way, but I lack the ability to just trust in it, instead of doubting it.

I’m working on it. I really truly am. That’s the scary part. Because how the hell do I know if I’m getting any better? My therapist thinks I am making progress. But I pay her. You know?

I am a doubter.  That is what I hate about myself.