She asked me last week if given the chance, would I take him back. For the first time in ten months, the answer was no. I’m not sure when the last time was that we’d had that conversation, but at the time the answer had been yes. Yes I’d of taken him back. Yes, I’d of tried again. Yes, I’d of forgiven him for everything. Yes, yes, YES!
I answered no last week. I meant it with ever fiber of my being. I can’t go backwards I said. I can only move forwards. I wouldn’t do that to myself, or to my children, not even if he begged. He wouldn’t mind you, but still, my answer to the question is now no. That door has been closed.
How things change. In January when he left, I wasn’t sure I’d make it to today. I thought that the pain of of it would just break my heart and I’d cease to exist. In that moment, I was even in denial. I’ve been through it all. All the stages of grief, some even a second round. The me back then, wouldn’t recognize the me today. The past year has been the darkest and hardest of my life. I’d like to lie to you and tell you otherwise, but it’s not true. There were days that I wouldn’t have made it without my best friends. They were like a life boat. My life boat. Holding on to me to keep me from sinking. I could spend the rest of my life thanking them and it wouldn’t be enough. I know it’s a silly line from a television show, but they are my people. They let me be me. They let me grieve. They let me process. They are my people.
There is a photo I have of my best friend Liz and I. It was taken in April at my friend Kirsten’s house, a few nights before my 30th birthday. I love that photo, because it is of us. However, I also don’t like it. Because when I look at it, I see how sad I was. How depressed I was. How completely emotionally exhausted I was at that time. I remember how I completely and fully fell apart a few days later. I see all of that in that photo. It’s my reminder of that time period in my life. There was nothing but sadness in my eyes, even though I’m smiling in the photo. Even though I know I had fun that night.
I had hoped that today, I’d feel better. That today, the day my divorce is final, I’d feel a sense of relief. I don’t. I’m sad. I have regrets. I wish things had been different. I can’t undo that.
We almost made it eleven years. It seemed long at the time. Maybe it was for a marriage that starts at nineteen years old. If you add in the five years we dated prior to marriage, it’s downright amazing. Or it was until it ended. He had half of my life. Half of my life was spent with him. I am 30 years old. I was with him at 14 years old. That’s just shocking to me.
I will be honest, I still don’t know who I am without him. I spent so long with him, that I guess this makes sense. I do know I will figure it out one day. Who I really am. I don’t have to know yet, I don’t have to know in a year. Because I am at least secure in the knowledge that I can survive without him. I wasn’t sure at first. Now I’m sure. I even am okay with being alone now. Not always mind you, but I can deal with it. I have time to figure out who I am.
I feel stronger though. Stronger than I have in a long time. Because I made it. I made it to here. I walked this walk, sometimes one tiny bitsy baby step at a time, and I made it. Today I am just me. The we is gone. Now I am just me. Every day, I feel a tiny bit stronger. I feel like I’m finally figuring out who I am again. The new me. The me that just relies on myself. The me that makes my own decisions. Some days it’s scary. A lot of days it is scary. But I get up each day and do it anyway.
It’s just a piece of paper with today’s date on it, this I know. But it’s the end. The final chapter in a life, my old life. Tomorrow starts a new life. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I do know I’m looking forward to it.
–I heard this song yesterday and it seemed kind of perfect for me.
Sara Evans, A little bit Stronger.
Woke up late today,
and I could still feel the sting of pain,
but I brushed my teeth anyway.
Got dressed through the mess, and
put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.
Riding in the car to work,
and I try to soothe all the hurt.
There’s a song on the radio,
stupid song made me think of you.
I listened to it for a minute,
but then I changed it.
I’m getting a little bit stronger.
Just a little bit stronger.
And I’m not hoping we can work it out.
I’m done with how I feel.
Spinning my wheels,
letting you drag my heart around.
And I’m not thinking you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same.
But I’m telling myself I’ll be OK,
even on my weakest day.
I get a little bit stronger.
It doesn’t happen overnight.
But you turn around and a months gone by,
and you realize you haven’t cried.
I’m not giving you an hour, or a second,
or another minute longer.
I’m busy getting stronger.
And I’m not hoping we could work it out.
I’m done with how I feel.
Spinning my wheels,
letting you drag my heart around.
And I’m not thinking you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same.
But I’m telling myself I’ll be OK,
even on my weakest day.
I get a little bit stronger.
Just a little bit stronger.
Getting along without you baby.
Better off without you baby.
How does it feel without me baby?
I’m getting stronger without you baby.
And I’m not hoping we could work it out.
I’m done with how I feel.
Spinning my wheels,
letting you drag my heart around.
And I’m not thinking you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same.
But I’m telling myself I’ll be OK,
even on my weakest day.
I get a little bit stronger.
Get a little bit stronger.
Just a little bit stronger.
Little bit, little bit, little bit stronger.
Get a little bit stronger.
59 Responses to The end.
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Thank you for sharing this. You spoke to my own heart, as you often do, both of us having walked this tough journey. But, re-defining yourself is so healthy. You are so young and have so much in front of you. Keep walking – you are strong. I think that’s what I found out most from going through this, how strong I really am. I’m taking a class with my kids right now and this ironically was the topic last night – being OK with being alone and re-defining a new chapter in your life.
At least you and your ex have done this the way it should happen – you are at this point now of having closure. I haven’t been granted that yet, but know that sad as it might be to close one chapter, the next one holds more hope than I am willing to admit. Thank you for sharing your heart, it always helps me when I read your blog.
Hugs today and wishing you a bright, amazing future, even though I know that the symbolic sadness will be there today. How could it not be, after half your life invested in something that you believed in? But look forward, it will all be good.
Hugs,
Tricia : ) x
It’s definitely hard, so hard, but I am so, so proud of you. You are stronger every day, even though some days are devastating. I’m thinking of you, sweetie.
Marinka recently posted..I’m Right- You’re Wrong
So glad you’ve made it to this point, love. Tricia’s right. You were strong. Now, you’re stronger.
My own journey through divorce was the worst point in my life at the same time it was the best. I found ME. I found joy. I found strength I never knew I had.
I wish all the same for you. Keep leaning on friends whenever you need it. That’s what we’re here for.
Much love
xoxox
PsychMamma recently posted..Love Coffee French Press Reviews
Your strength amazes me, Issa.
<3
pamela @vampiresmitten recently posted..Challenge 14- Catch Them Being Good
You are Issa hear you ROAR!!!!!
You are stronger.
You ARE amazing.
You are doing it.
Not *just* doing it, doing it well.
I am so proud of you. All you have endured. All you have worked through. All the uncertainty you have been able to grab by the shirt collar and say, no matter what I am going to be OK!
You have ANY idea how happy that makes me? GIDDY.
I know today is hard, but you have already gotten the hardest part down and are continuing to positively work through it all. So, I am not *happy* about today by any means, just VERY happy with how far you have come this year.
The future is SO bright and full of wonderful memories with your kids and who knows what other wonderful things. (Including me.)
Love you girl.
Lu recently posted..What I hate
I want to take you out for cupcakes and massages you lovely beautiful woman you.
Issa Reply:
October 15th, 2010 at 3:10 pm
@moosh in indy., Thank you Casey. I wish that too.
Issa recently posted..The end
My divorce was final on July 4th, independence day. Seemed like it I would find that invigorating, amazing and awesome. My friends planned a girls night out for drinks and celebrating. I didn’t feel like celebrating or strong or right, but it was my first real feeling of independence. It’s so hard. 3 years later, I’m strong, I know who I am and I KNOW I don’t want him back. But I will always regret that my kids now grow up in two houses. I will always regret that I can’t be with them every night to tuck them in and tell them I love them. I have learned that while it’s not the same thing over the phone, it’s important and it’s my time, even when they’re with him. I’m proud of your strength. Your darkest days are behind you. You will stumble, but picking yourself up each time will be easier and will make you stronger. You’re amazing and you’re doing an amazing job of making it through this hurdle in your life. You may not know who you are without him, yet, be we out here are starting to see a stronger, more beautiful, more amazing Issa come through every day. Just keep swimming.
Issa Reply:
October 15th, 2010 at 4:14 pm
@angi, Thank you.
I have a vacation next week, so that will be when I celebrate.
You ARE stronger. And as sad as I am that you’ve had to go through this – it is also wonderful to see you growing into this strong, vibrant, woman.
Big hugs! xo
Twenty Four At Heart recently posted..Family Portrait
Issa Reply:
October 15th, 2010 at 3:30 pm
@Twenty Four At Heart, Thank you. Big hugs to you too.
My heart both breaks and leaps for you today. Sad for what you have lost, amazed by who you have become.
Allyson recently posted..True friendship
Issa Reply:
October 15th, 2010 at 3:33 pm
@Allyson, Thank you friend.
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This is an ending. But it’s also a beginning my sweet friend.
xoxo
Mo recently posted..30 Days Of Truth- Day 4 File This Under Uncomfortable Posts
Issa Reply:
October 15th, 2010 at 3:35 pm
@Mo, Yeah, it’s just I’m not sure what it’s a beginning of yet.
Your strength and graciousness, as always, moves me, Issa.
Issa Reply:
October 15th, 2010 at 3:35 pm
@Joy, Thank you Joy.
Sweet friend, what a beautifully articulate and spot-on post. I’m so proud of you for being brave enough to expose yourself, throughout this entire process, but especially today. Today, even though you’re raw, you’re insanely beautiful and new, and you already have everything you need to be who it is you ultimately want to be. And we just get to be lucky friends who love you, watching you emerge from your cocoon, rise from the ashes, take your metaphorical pick. I hope you know you can hitch yourself to my boat any time. You might not know it, but you’ve been quite a life boat, to your own credit, for some of the rest of us. That’s worth a lot, and a good start to a new beginning, I think.
I send you all of my love, some sage to smudge the old stale stuff out of your house, and a promise to dream all the big dreams you have for YOU right alongside you, watching them come true
xxoo,
Kristen
Issa Reply:
October 15th, 2010 at 3:36 pm
@kristeneileen, Thank you soooo very much.
Love to you today –
Issa Reply:
October 15th, 2010 at 3:40 pm
@Susan @Whymommy, Thank you Susan.
Oh Issa – I wish I was there to give you a great big hug. What an accomplishment to come this far… I can’t even imagine the pain and heartache you’ve gone through. But I’m so impressed and in awe of your strength. I see it in your words. I hear it in your posts. I feel it in my bones.
Welcome to the next chapter of your life – where you and ONLY you get to put pen to paper and create a new Issa.
Jill recently posted..Food Poisoning – 1 Jill – 0
Issa Reply:
October 15th, 2010 at 3:41 pm
@Jill, Yeah, I just wish I knew what that was going to be.
Thank you friend.
I’ve always known you had the strength to make it. I’ve been telling you that for over a year.
What makes me happy? Is that you finally see it too.
You are strong. You are amazing.
I’m keeping in mind a saying today: When one door closes another opens. Let’s walk through that open door.
avasmommy recently posted..Outside
Issa Reply:
October 15th, 2010 at 3:42 pm
@avasmommy, I couldn’t have done it without you constantly telling me.
Hugs and Cupcakes to you today! You are strong. You will get stronger every day.
punkinmama recently posted..sugar overload
It’s a new chapter in your book. I’m reading my book, and each chapter gets better and better.
Avitable recently posted..I weigh in on “Corn Sugar”
Issa Reply:
October 15th, 2010 at 3:48 pm
@Avitable, A new chapter. I like that. Thank you Adam.
What a great song for you and where you are right now. Good luck getting through today and continuing on to make yourself happy.
Issa Reply:
October 15th, 2010 at 3:53 pm
@Naomi, Thank you. Am working on it.
I remember when you told me he was leaving. I remember all your posts thinking that you’d not make it this far. and look….10 months later…YOURE DOING IT! I’m so proud of you and I knew you could do this. That doesn’t mean there won’t be hard days ahead BUT you will make it through those too. I truly feel like your best days are to come…xo
becky recently posted..The snack that smiles back
Issa Reply:
October 15th, 2010 at 3:49 pm
@becky, I hope so friend.
I do remember that. I remember texting you that he was leaving. Sheesh. Seems like so long ago.
I’m really hoping that today, this turning point, is the start of something better for you. I’m sure that sound impossible to imagine, but that’s my hope.
Megan @ Mama Bub recently posted..Blergh
Issa Reply:
October 15th, 2010 at 3:54 pm
@Megan @ Mama Bub, No, it doesn’t actually. It sounds daunting, but possible.
How amazing that despite two completely different sets of circumstances that every word you have written sums up my year. My marriage didn’t end but my world as I knew it did. You are inspiring, your strength even when you feel at your weakest is a testament to your true spirit. I’m honored to know you.
Peace, my friend.
Issa Reply:
October 15th, 2010 at 3:55 pm
@Tam, Thank you. Something I am sure of? Both of us will a have much better year, next year.
You have been kind enough to share this journey with us, your readers and you really have come far. Thank you for sharing. I am so delighted for you. The bestest of wishes to you Issa.
i love that song.
you’ll find who you are. maybe it’s not so different than who you were with him. maybe it’s more like who you are when you’re hanging with your friends.
you’re so open and honest, i can’t really imagine you any other way. but i cant wait to see what you discover about yourself.
Issa Reply:
October 15th, 2010 at 3:59 pm
@mommygeekology, I know you are right friend, I do…but some days it seems kinda scary. Too big, you know?
Sending love and kisses and lots of support for moving on!
tracey recently posted..If thats not love- what is
I’m so proud of you. This post is amazing.
jodifur recently posted..30 Days of Truth-Day 2
Issa Reply:
October 15th, 2010 at 4:13 pm
@jodifur, Thank you friend.
Thinking of you—-and proud of you too.
Fairly Odd Mother recently posted..Lets go shopping!
Issa Reply:
October 15th, 2010 at 4:09 pm
@Fairly Odd Mother, Thank you Christina.
You are brave and strong and powerful. You have survived so much and deserve so much more goodness in your life.
I’m really proud of you.
followingtheroad recently posted..I suck at self-promotion
Issa Reply:
October 15th, 2010 at 4:09 pm
@followingtheroad, Thank you Jen.
LOVE to you – you strong, loving, compassionate, kickass, funny woman.
mosey recently posted..just for the heck of it
Oh hon, you are truly amazing. You are strong and beautiful. I love you dearest.
But Why Mommy recently posted..Imagine
Issa Reply:
October 15th, 2010 at 4:09 pm
@But Why Mommy, I love you too friend. So very much.
Ditto all of the above.
xoxo
Headless Mom recently posted..30 Days of Truth- Day 2
I hope one day to make it to this point
Thank you for sharing. Love the song.
*hugs*
Ms Lovely recently posted..Handover day
You have no idea how badly I needed to hear something like this today. Well, actually, you do have an idea, since you’ve been there.
Thanks for this. Muchly.
It is an ending. No doubt. But now you’re here. Make it a wonderful beginning. A beautiful beginning. Who do YOU want to be? Because it’s all yours. Stay strong, girl.
Susan @ Sassafrassery recently posted..Youre a ho- Hi-Ho
You are amazing, Issa. Strong and beautiful and amazing and, though I’m sorry for the pain you’ve been through, I can’t wait to see who you are when you walk out the other side of this.
anymommy recently posted..Listen
It is an ending, but also a progression.
Because you will take with you into this next new part of your life? All of the lessons you learned in that last part. The things you want. What you will accept. What you need. Who you want to be.
And the opposites of those things as well . . .
The things you do not want. What you will not accept. What you do not need. Who you do not want to be.
With all of that information on hand?
How could this next new part be anything less than lovely?
I wish you the strength to make use of all you know.
To begin anew.
Love you.
You are on your way.
My marriage of 7 years is ending now, and I’m a lost, helpless mess. I was told to read your blog, to see how you’ve grown since the end. Thank you for sharing all of this. It’s comforting to know that even if my world falls apart, there is a chance that I can pt part of it back together again. I hope I reach the point when I can say “no” too.
Summer recently posted..Home
And now, 15 years after my first husband left, I remember that first year. So hard…so, so hard. I changed and grew, and remarried 2 years ago. To the right person this time, the person that knows all of me – the fully-formed grown up. I wish you all the happiness in the world. xo