For more 30 days of truth: Day 1, 2.
There are a lot of things I should probably work on forgiving myself for. Some I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to though. This is the hardest one though. You’ll have to forgive me, for only giving some details, as it’s not really my story to tell.
When I was eleven, I made a choice one day. A choice any child at any time could have made. This one though? It changed my families life forever. A simple decision, is what it seemed at the time.
I asked my aunt if she’d take me shopping with her for the day and not let my brother come along. I was eleven. He was nine. He was annoying. My mom had left us with my aunt for part of Spring Break, because she had a school conference she had to go to.
Such a simple thing. Time away from my annoying little brother. Didn’t seem like a big deal. My aunt agreed. She made my brother stay home, with her husband and son.
Took two years for my brother to speak his truth. To tell my mother what happened to him. Years later when the truth of what happened to my brother had become old news, I asked him when exactly this all had happened. That day. It was that day. That day that I made a choice to exclude him for my own silly reasons.
I could have protected him. I could have stopped being a drama queen bratty tween for one day. I could have let the little shit come to the god dam grocery store with us. I should have. If I could undo one moment in time, it would have been that.
I’ve never forgiven myself for that. I always protected my baby brother. Always. Even when he was an annoying shit, I protected him. I loved him. He is my friend, as well as my brother. But that day, I choose to be selfish and his life was changed forever because of it.
The truth is, I know logically that I have to forgive myself. I didn’t want that. I didn’t choose that. I never would have intentionally let anyone hurt my brother. Yet, I’m not sure I will ever forgive myself for it.
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Babe? It would have happened another day, if not that day. You were a child. It was not your place. Not your fault.
Love you.
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Issa Reply:
October 19th, 2010 at 12:02 pm
@avasmommy, I know. I do. Logically I know that. But…
Oh this is hard. You try so hard to protect the ones you love.
I’m sorry sugar.
Miss Grace recently posted..Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without
Issa Reply:
October 19th, 2010 at 11:58 am
@Miss Grace, Thank you.
Sigh. If only there was a magic go back and change it button.
“It’s not your fault.” I’ve heard that line so many times in therapy (and movies), and while I do believe it one thousand percent, it doesn’t make it ANY easier to believe.
Love to you, love to your brother.
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Issa Reply:
October 19th, 2010 at 11:58 am
@mosey, Thank you friend.
Shit. No, there is nothing that you did wrong. Forgiving yourself is a step towards healing. But I can see how it haunts you.
J recently posted..Her Fearful Symmetry
Issa Reply:
October 19th, 2010 at 11:56 am
@J, It may always. I try. I’ve tried for years…but I don’t know how to let this one go.
Even when we know it’s not our fault, it’s so hard to let ourselves off the hook.
You deserve to be forgiven.
Issa Reply:
October 19th, 2010 at 11:56 am
@Allyson, He forgave me long ago. In fact, he never even knew I’d done that. He just thought it was my turn to go out, not his.
Forgiving myself? Much harder.
Repeat after me: It’s not your fault. Say it again. Say it every day. It’s not your fault.
Issa Reply:
October 19th, 2010 at 11:54 am
@jodifur, I’ve been saying it for years friend. I’ve been trying to believe it for years. It hurts the hell out of me. But I can’t seem to let it go.
I hope that at least all these years later you realize that it’s not your fault at all. You def do have to forgive yourself.
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I so know it’s easier said than done, but it’s not your fault AT ALL. What an adult did when you were younger wasn’t your fault. You shouldn’t have had to protect him agains another adult. He knows, you know, its not your fault my dear! (i know easier said than to forget). Hugs
Ugh, this is tough friend. I know that protective instinct over your siblings. Also just because something is logical, unfortunately doesn’t make it easier to accept. (If that were true I wouldn’t be so crazy.) But as you know, it wasn’t your fault. I know you know, I just still have to say it, ya know? HUGS.
Lu recently posted..Day 2- What I love about myself
I know that you know it’s ‘not your fault’ but yet I get why you can’t forgive yourself. That’s why there are things that I’ve never told, and what if that person doesn’t remember? I’d not only be the one that allowed it to happen but the one that brought up all of the awful memories, too.
Hugs.
Headless Mom recently posted..Fire Drill
You were a kid, hon. You had no way of knowing. I hope you’re able to forgive yourself. I know it’s so much easier to say that, than do it. But I hope, at some point, you can.
Aw, Issa. That just made my heart hurt. You were both victims that day. It’s normal to want what you wanted and you certainly couldn’t have known. But you know all that.
Holding the guilt may be your brain’s way of wishing it/you had the control necessary to change the course of events back then. If he hadn’t remembered the actual day, it would have still felt awful but because you didn’t want him there–>he was home–>you had the power to save him but you didn’t do it.
It is an awful coincidence. And I hope one day your whole brain will release you.
xo
Oh lady, I can’t even imagine. I don’t even want to imagine. I’m so sorry … I’m so so sorry …
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I am so, so sorry.