When Logan first left, the pain of it all felt like it came in constant waves. Like I was on the coast during a horrible storm. The wave would take me under, flip me around and spit me out. I’d barely catch my breath before it did it again. It was brutal. It was non-stop. After awhile it dissipated a bit. A large wave would come and smack me every now and then, but it wasn’t constant. It was almost as if the storm had passed. Most of the time now, it’s not that bad. Even when the waves come, they are little. Lake waves maybe.

There’s that saying that you can get used to anything? I never believed it to be true, but I suppose it is. I did. I got used to this new life. Most of the time at least. This weekend was rough though. I’m not even sure I can adequately put it into words. The best I can probably say, is there was a big storm. I made it out okay, but I felt a bit wrecked.

I’d forgotten what it was like to feel this bad. Maybe not really forgotten, but I’d pushed it far back. It’s hard to feel so alone. To feel so lonely and know that no one cares to hang out with you. To feel like you’ve lost everything. I spent a lot of time wishing I could turn back the clock this weekend. Wishing I could turn the clock back to a better time. A time where my house was always loud. A time where I was married. A time where my kids were always here. A time with friends to talk to and do things with. I miss that.

This weekend I missed that so much. This weekend my depression and anxiety beat me. This weekend I felt super sorry for myself. I was convinced that I’d always be alone. I’ve been through so much in the past few years and most of the time now, I feel like I have a handle on my life and on myself. I wish he could have just waited. Just given me more time to find my way.

This weekend I felt like I’d never be happy again. What can I say, I’m over dramatic when I have one of these moment. However, it happens.

Yesterday after completely loosing my shit and sobbing to one of my best friends for a good hour, I started to feel better. I still feel pretty wrecked though. Dumb too. I always feel like a dumb failure in the aftermath.

Last month at some point, I had a conversation with one of my friends. About how right now is just one chapter in our lives. It’s not the whole book. It may be a shitty chapter, yet eventually it will end. Then a new one will start.

I’m ready for that new chapter.