Winter. I’m officially over winter. I tried. Man, I tried so hard. For the first year ever, I went into winter thinking, okay I can do this. It won’t get to me. I will find enjoyment in how pretty the snow is. It was a valiant attempt. I made it farther than I thought I would.
But here I sit, over it. It’s February, the end of February even. I woke up to another six inches of snow this morning. I woke up to a massive sinus headache, because my head can’t handle the back and forth of winter any longer. It’s giving up in protest.
I’m tired of shoveling snow. I’m tired of driving in it. I’m tired of seeing it, especially the large piles of black snow in all store parking lots. I’m tired of how cold and dry it is. Dear winter, my eczema is over you too. Enough with looking for the kids gloves and hats each morning. Enough with snow boots. Enough!
It’s time for for it to go. I want to see grass, leaves and flowers. I want to eat fruit that isn’t bananas and apples. I long for flip-flops and short sleeves shirts. I long for evenings spent at the park and going for ice cream right before bedtime.
I’m done with winter.
Mommy will you watch this dance that I made up, she asks me. Sure baby, lemme see it. I set down my work, turn away from my computer and look at her. Just as she has since she was two years old, she shows me her dance. Back then she called it “her moves” but it’s basically the same thing. Part ballet, part hip-hop, part jazz and part I’m not exactly sure. She shows me and I smile. I clap at the end, like I always do. Not because I’m her mother, but because her dance was brilliant.
My baby can dance. She has the gift. I am not the only one who thinks so. She has rhythm. She can learn an entire routine the first time through. She is graceful. She is a dance teachers dream.
Once a week, generally on nights when my kids are with their dad, I watch the show Dance Moms. It’s like watching a giant train wreck, at least any part showing the dance teacher or the moms, but that’s not why I watch it. I watch it, because I love watching those little girls dance. They are all so talented. I watch them dance and for a minute, I can imagine Morgan getting to dance in competitions like that. In another life, with another mother, she’d be competing with these girls.
Are there competitive dance studios around me? Yes, there are. Could she try out and make it? Yes, she could. I’ve been told by every dance teacher she’s had since she was four years old, that I should look into competitive dance. She is the age of the girls in that show and she could easily be as good….if she had a mother willing to make it her life. That’s the thing, competing in any sport as a kid, kinda becomes the entire families life.
See, that’s where reality sets in. I have three kids and I’m trying to have a forth. I work full time, as does my ex husband. In my world, there just isn’t time and money for one kid to do something competitive like that. I can’t afford it, I don’t have time for it and really, I don’t believe that any one thing should be any childs life. Plus…I know that life. I lived that life. Not as the child in love with a sport. No, I was the sibling of that kid. The one who spent every weekend driving all over the state and back, hanging out in ice rinks. I was that kid begging for more quarters for video games and soft drinks. Evenings. Mornings. Weekends. All year long, for nine years.
I never payed ice hockey. I never played anything. There wasn’t time or money for me to play something too. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not into sports. I, in fact rarely minded that my brother played competitive hockey. But you can see how one sided it is right?
So I watch my silly TV show alone. I send my oldest to dance class once a week. I watch her dance in my basement, in my living room, in the hallways at school and twice a year on the big stage for a performance with her recreation center dance class. She gets to dance for fun and she gets a childhood. Bailey and Harrison get a childhood too. I am mostly okay with this.
I just hope that I’ve made the right choice. I hope that one day, she doesn’t look back with regrets in her life because of my choices.
I hope.
Dang this mom gig isn’t easy.
Mornings are kicking my ass this week. Mornings make me cry. Not just the effort that is needed to get up, but everything. The amount of work I know I need to accomplish today makes me cry. The fact that tomorrow is my first working Saturday of tax season makes me cry. Its just the first of many working Saturdays to come. The words I read on your posts make me want to cry.
By say noon, I’m generally fine. But dam mornings have been tough the last two weeks. My kids have been late more days than I’m willing to tell you. My dog has needed to be taken to the groomer for a month. Half the time when I walk in a store, I can’t remember what I needed, until I get home and look around and see that what I went for, I didn’t come home with.
I swore last year would be my last tax season. It’s just so much work. It’s hard to be me during tax season. It’s hard to be a mother during tax season. It’s hard to own a home during tax season. There is time and energy needed in parenting and home ownership. Time and energy are things I’m lacking right now.
Yet in this economy, there just aren’t jobs everywhere. I tried for months to find something else. Something a bit more normal. Nothing. So here I sit, going through another tax season. I’m thankful I have this job. I’m thankful for the financial stability and phenomenal health insurance it gives me and my kids.
The thing is, I’m good at my job. It just exhausts me this time of year. Am I whiny? Yes. I’ll admit to it. Grouchy too. I’m also pretty sure it’s justified. Because I am already exhausted and it’s only mid February.
Yesterday while talking to my best friend, I realized I needed to reevaluate how I did things right now. Meals need to become easy. Plain and simple, I have to let go of that one right now. Dino nuggets are good enough. On their days with me, my girls can eat school lunches. House work needs to be done on emergent need only. I need to make lists on my iPhone so I have it with me all the time. I need to give myself a break. I can’t be everything and do everything. There is just no way.
I won’t lie…I was thrilled when my book club picked the book I already read.
One of the things that has already fallen by the wayside is me being online. During the rest of the year, my job, as you can imagine, is quite slow. It leaves me ample time to mess around online. Too much time if you want to know the truth. But this is the career I have. Sink or swim, no in-between. For now, I’ve been online some. But I can’t keep up. I won’t even pretend to try. Posting may go by the wayside. Reading all of your lovely blogs and commenting, is just not possible. You likely won’t see me on Twitter much. It’s just my reality for the next few months. Please know it’s not you. I didn’t stop reading because of anything except lack of time. I’ll still be around at times, but I’ll come back for reals after April 15th…or 17th or whatever stupid day the government changed it to this year.
Maybe if I was writing this in the afternoon it wouldn’t seem so depressing. But it’s morning and this is where I am right now. I’m just trying to float. My mantra is Dory from Finding Nemo. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. All I can do is keep trying. All I can do is keep swimming. Because sinking just isn’t an option.
When I was married I wasn’t all that into Valentines Day. It seemed like a major Hallmark holiday destined to make half of people sad. Even though Logan never failed to deliver, I never managed to get into this holiday. Now I’m single and for some reason I think I understand this day more now.
It’s a day for love. It’s a day to show people and remind people how much we love them. Should we tell them every day? Yes. Yes we should. Some people do. Ask my friends, my kids, my family. They’ll tell you how often I say, I love you.
This day though? It’s a reminder to people who aren’t as giving with shows of affection as I am. A reminder to all of us to show are love and appreciation for our loved ones. A reminder to look at our loved ones and really see them.
I love love. I really do.
I could be really sad on this day, if I wanted too. No one would fault me. I am single. My kids will spend the evening with their dad. I just heard that a cousin of mine is pregnant with twins. I could be very sad and bitter today.
Instead, I got my kids each a bit of candy and a card. I was thrilled when I woke up to four cards of my own. Guess my mom bought cards with the girls when she was out a few weeks ago. Tricky woman.
I will buy myself flowers and good chocolate after work tonight. I will hang out on my couch and eat chocolates and watch Valentine’s Day. Sappy days call for sappy movies. I will call my cousin and congratulate her on her good news. I know how hard her journey has been to get pregnant and I’m absolutely thrilled for her.
Today is a celebration of love. I can’t see how that is a bad thing.
Happy Valentine’s Day to each of you. Much love to all of you.
This post is part of Heather’s Just Write.
Which would you like to read for book #6?
- 11 22 63 by Stephen King (47%, 7 Votes)
- Here on Earth by Alice Hoffman (13%, 2 Votes)
- The Lost Wife by Alyson Richman (13%, 2 Votes)
- The Gift of an Ordinary Day by Katrina Kenison (13%, 2 Votes)
- The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger (13%, 2 Votes)
- The Paris Wife by Paula McLain (1%, 0 Votes)
Total Voters: 15
Loading ...but I still want to attempt to write. Leaving what I wrote on Monday up at the top will stop me from writing if I leave it there too long. Words have power, even posts with few words.
I won’t lie…yesterday was one majorly harsh day. I won’t even try to tell you all the crazy stuff I thought. Let’s just say, yesterday I blamed myself. Yesterday, I walllowed all day. I cried for most of the day. I moped. I ate only cookies. I grieved for what never was.
Yesterday she told me that tomorrow would be better. That the day after that will be a bit better and the day after that. I believe her even when I don’t feel it, because after nearly three years as friends, I know she’s almost always right.
Today? Well I’m still sad, but I’m okay. I’m going to make today a better day. Today I will look at the mini roses my step-dad sent me yesterday and know that spring will come. I will think about the place I’ll plant them in my garden. I’ll remind myself that April will be here before I know it and I can try again. Today I will re-read all of your sweet comments and hold onto your belief that I will get there. You guys believing in me at a time where I’m struggling to believe helps me more than I can say.
Today I am okay.
is that you have to keep sharing. Even when all you want to do is not. Even when all you want to do is hide in bed.
It didn’t work. I’m not pregnant. I have to start over. I’ll have to wait a few months before I can do that, because of tax season.
I literally got the call from my doctor two minutes after my period started. My period which never starts early or on time or at all without assistance. But hey early it is.
Negative. That’s what I know.
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