Last week I contemplated deleting this blog, shutting down my Facebook account and getting rid of Twitter. Not just a passing moment, as has happened before, but for weeks I considered really doing it. I tell you this, mostly because I didn’t do it. I don’t know that I ever really would have. I just know, something has to change. I have to change. I can’t do this the way I used to anymore. I feel like I’ve just called it in the last six months on here. Looking back on previous years, I know this to be true. I have written here just to be here for at least that long.
The reason is fear.
Fear of being real. Fear of saying what I need and want to say. Fear of being judged. That’s the big one. That’s the hard one. The piece that keeps me silent when I want to talk. Frankly, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being afraid of my own thoughts. I’m tired of being afraid to share what is really going on in my life. When it came to the point of me seriously thinking I just needed to walk away, I knew it was either man up and talk, or just fucking do it and be gone. So here goes nothing.
For a long, long time, I’ve wanted to have another baby. Logan and I were actively trying the entire year before we separated. I had a miscarriage in May, 2009 and well we never had any luck after that. It has nothing to do with why we divorced, it’s just fact. We wanted more kids and it just didn’t happen. The thing is, just becuase I got divorced, doesn’t mean I don’t want another baby. I want another baby badly.
That’s my truth. I’m actively trying to have another baby. Surprise.
I am trying to have a baby, alone. Just me. Every piece of this will be happening in a doctor’s office. Just know that.
The hard piece of this, is that it’s not easy for me to get pregnant. I have PCOS. In July I went to see a phenomenal Endocrinologist/Fertility specialist. I have some other issues, because of the PCOS. It’s complicated. Basically? I’m going to start menopause in say another year or maybe two if I’m lucky. I’m only 31 years old and this is my reality. I am not done. Every day I long for another baby. Every night I dream about a little girl. Every fiber of my being knows I’m not done. There is someone missing. However? My body is almost done. This is my last shot.
I know I could consider adoption. Yet with only one income and adopting as a single mom, it’s not feasible for me. I’ve considered becoming a foster mom. That is something I still may do, but not until my children are older.
I have given this much thought, I promise. I debated pros/cons/am I crazy’s for almost a year. I’ve decided that yes, I’m probably crazy, but that doesn’t make it wrong. I didn’t make this choice lightly. Yet it is the right choice for me.
We (my doctor and I) were shooting for October. I no longer create eggs on my own. I have a perfectly good uterus and my ovaries are fine. But I don’t create eggs. In my October cycle, we tried Clomid. Clomid makes me insane by the way. Fun times. Ahem. It wasn’t enough. I had eggs, but at some point they stopped growing. I was crushed. Completely crushed. Leave it to me to think that things would be easy.
In November, we tried Clomid and a shot that I’m forgetting the name of. Three days of me injecting myself. Not so fun, but I did it. Yet again, it wasn’t quite enough.
As hard as it was, I decided to take a break in December. With Morgan’s birthday and Christmas, I just couldn’t try again in that moment. The drugs are harsh. I needed some time to relax, some time to feel sane for a bit. I quit my antidepressants in June because of this. October and November were hard without them. The insane amounts of hormones coursing through my system, plus the lack of meds? Yeah. I was a mess for a bit.
This month I will try again. Because I want this more than anything in the world, I’m willing to subject myself to more Clomid. To shots every day for my entire cycle. I’m willing to do this all, because this is what I know I want. A baby. There is no certainty in this world. I have been given no guarantees. Everything is up to chance and luck. I do know, that if I don’t try this, I will spend the rest of my life wishing I had. That’s something I’m not willing to do.
I’m scared. Not of what I’m about to try to do again. No, I’m scared of hitting publish. Of sharing myself with all of you. Of putting myself out there. It’s been a long time since I’ve been real here and I’m timid.
I know though, it’s time for me to be me on my own blog. If I’m not willing to do that, I have no reason to be here anymore.
Please note that I stole this idea from Jodifur. Hey, at least I ask before I steal post ideas.
It’s come to my attention that the remainder of this year is going to be COMPLETELY INSANE, so I believe it’s time to post and call an end to my posting for 2011. I promise I’ll be back in January. Hopefully with some changes around here. Anyway, before I show you my favorite posts of this year, I thought I’d wish you all a wonderful holiday. Whether that is Chanukah, Christmas, Winter Solstice, Kwansa or just New Years, I hope you enjoy it. Whatever you celebrate, I wish you health and happiness for the remainder of this year.
In January, I made a goal to remember the good in this year. To count my blessings and try not to be such a pessimist. It’s a goal, I’m happy to say that I’ve managed to accomplish over time.
In February, I found out that I have PCOS. It’s changed my life in many ways and I’ll be honest, it’s not all bad. It’s nice to know that certain medical things in my past had reasons. It’s made me less hard on myself. I also love this post about enjoying the small things in my kids lives. Days go so fast and some days, I do wish for a second Sunday.
While writing this post on my step-mom was hard in March, it also led me back to therapy to deal with a few things that I thought I’d let go of. It’s nice to say now, that I have let go of a few issues. It’s helped make this a better year for me. I’ll never forget things that happened when I was a kid, however I don’t have to let it color my world any longer.
April brought my 500th post, which I chose to write for my best friend Liz. I love her even more now than I did then, so I’m glad I gave her that milestone post. April also came with big decisions about the brother I’ll probably never know. I am confident in my decision. Finally, there was the list I made to insure the kids and I had a great summer. I am thrilled to say, I managed to accomplish my goals.
In May, I head great news about Morgan’s future in fifth grade. I have to say, she’s had a phenomenal school year. Her teacher is amazing. We owe her so much. Luckily, because my kids go to a charter school, Morgan will have her next year as well! I also told you all about my lunch date with my dad.
Parenting isn’t always easy, as I realized yet again in June. Making the hard choices is something I am willing to do though. A part of June, I’d rather forget but never will is when the evil clown ate my blog. I’m still thankful to Jenna for fixing it. Also in a funnier post, I shared some text messages I get. Even now, they crack me up.
In July, I got off my anti-depressants after four years. There have been times when I wondered if I could stay off of them. But we’re halfway through December and I can honestly say, I’m doing great right now. On the 18th, my Bailey turned seven. She is one of my very favorite people in this world.
On a random day in August, I wrote about my step-dad for no real reason. Just because I love him. I also went to BH11 and my BFF trip. It was one of the greatest weeks in my year.
September was a harder month for me. I’d rather not re-visit it, except for this one tiny thing. My baby boy turned three. He’s so very three and I adore him for it. Most of the time.
In October I celebrated making it through the first year of divorce. A strange thing to celebrate, yes maybe. However, in my quest to change how I think, I had to look at the bad, to remember the good.
In November, I did quite a few things that scare me. It was a hard month emotionally, but luckily I came out okay on the other side.
December has been very busy. I’m loving ever second of it. For the first time in a long time, I’m truly happy. My baby girl turned ten and had an amazing party. I’m looking forward to everything that we have planned for the next two weeks.
My wish for all of you is a wonderful next few weeks. I’ll see you in 2012.
Love, Issa
I’m starting to get that Christmas panic. The one where you look at a calendar and suddenly realize that Christmas is less than two weeks away. Then you remember that holy shit, your kids don’t have school next week and they are with you all week long. Which I realize is my issue, not yours, since most of you don’t share 50/50 custody. However, except for Tuesday and Thursday nights this week? My kids are with me from now till Christmas Eve, when they’ll go with their dad through New Years. Isn’t divorce entertaining?
I’m not even complaining about the kid schedule. Really, it’s all cool. I’ve always loved Christmas Eve best, because that’s when we celebrated with my mom as a kid. So it works. I get to spend most of next week doing fun things with them. I don’t have to worry about buying pretty outfits that no one really wants to wear or numerous nice meals. I get to give gifts and let them open them at night and not after a 4am wake up call. Ahem Bailey in previous years. Then I get to hang out with my mom and step-dad for a few days and go back to work. He has the fly on Christmas Eve (and New Years Day) with three kids, multiple family events, please PUT ON THE TIGHTS ALREADY fight and has to do the Santa thing. I kinda won. ha.
Mostly? It’s the other things that are making me panic. The fact that work has gotten INSANE this month. The fact that I’ll have to work two days next week and have only managed to find one of my children places to go one of those days. The fact that I am so tired after working all day that I can’t manage to do anything during the week. Truly. Last week? I ate Cheeze-Its for dinner one night and ice cream for another, just because it was easy and involved no dishes.
I haven’t baked a thing. I have barely considered the fact that I have four boxes that need to be mailed. While I did go nuts and do all of my remaining Christmas shopping on Saturday, I haven’t wrapped a thing. In fact, I haven’t even looked to see if I have wrapping paper.
We have four playdate/events scheduled. One for next weekend, three for the part of the week that I am off for. Each of these things thrills me, it really does. But OMFG how am I supposed to get anything done?
I need to take a few deep breaths. This I know. My mom will be here from Wednesday on next week and I know she’ll help me wrap at night if need be. I also probably need to lower my expectations for baking and getting things done around here. I mailed cards for the first time in three years. My tree is up and it’s beautiful. I will find time to wrap. Somewhere. Maybe this is the year of cut and bake sugar cookies. The year of mostly bags instead of wrapped gifts. Who knows?
What I do know is that I’m not alone in this panicky feeling, right?
When I called you at daddy’s this morning, I said to you the same thing I’ve said every year since you were three. First, I wished you a happy birthday and told you how much I love you. Then I reminded you that you were born at 10:43pm, so technically you are still nine years old until then. I swear to you, I heard the eye roll over the phone. Oh mommy, you said, one day you will have to move past that. Bwahahahaha. It’s something I say to you and your siblings at times and it’s hysterically funny to have it used against me. The next thing you said to me was, we’re still having ribs tonight right? Yes child, yes. Ribs is what you want and ribs you shall have.
Today, my love, you are ten. Ten years old. Double digits. I’m not sure how this happened exactly. It seems like just yesterday when you were born. My very tiny, perfect baby girl. You had angel kisses on your eyelids. I’ll never forget them, even though they went away when you were two months old. I didn’t realize then how much you’d change my world. But oh you did. It was for the better. I’ve never, not even for a moment, regretted having you when I did even though I was young. Young isn’t always a bad thing. Although I’d appreciate it, if you’d wait a bit longer than I did.
You had huge eyes that looked at my very soul. They still do actually. You have this ability to look at me and find the truth. I think it’s why I never lie to you. Not even about the small things anymore. We have a pact, you and I. I tell you the truth and you don’t ask questions unless you want the real answer. So far, it’s worked out for us. I hope this is something that never changes. I hope you’ll always remember that you can talk to me about everything.
Nine was a very good year for you. You made a new best friend, one who is very easy to get along with. The two of you are pretty inseparable. You changed dance classes, from the rec center to a real studio. You live to dance. Last winter you learned to snowboard and you can’t wait for this weekend, because it will be the first time this year to go up to the mountain with daddy. You ski black diamonds with him, which terrifies me. Yet you have no fear. He promises me, that you are actually a better skier than him and I have nothing to fear. School has been phenomenal this year, as your teacher is JUST LIKE YOU, so she fully understands how you operate. I’m so thankful that you’ll have her next year too. YAY hippy charter school!
You read books like they are going out of style, which is something I always hoped for when you were very small. Watching you sit and read gives me more joy than almost anything. Tonight you will get a Kindle, something that you’ve asked for, for months and months. I know you’ll be ecstatic, especially since you believe the Just Dance 3 game and your sleepover last weekend were your gifts. Ha. I’m sneaky like that. Truth is, I’m ecstatic too. I want MY KINDLE back.
Ten is so big baby girl. I know that this will be a big important year in your life. I remember being ten. Man how I loved being ten. I hope you love it as well. This year you get your wish. Daddy and I agreed to send you to sleep away camp next summer. You couldn’t be happier. I’ll work on getting there. I promise. What can I say? Your mama is a worrier. I will do everything in my power to make this a phenomenal year. For all of us.
You made me who I am today. You paved the way to make life easier on your siblings. I am forever thankful for you.
Happy 10th birthday Morgan. Mommy loves you to the moon and back.
to those of you who have been reading me for years. But I’m going to say it anyway.
I’m really happy right now.
Truly happy and it’s nice. I don’t know that I’m used to it. Although this year has been so much better. I’ve been happier more this year than in the past four years. Right now though? I’m very happy.
My life isn’t perfect. There are definite changes on the horizon for next year. Some may be more challenging than others. My money situation needs some work. My house could use some definite work. But you know, none of that seems to be dragging me down.
People? The snow makes me happy. The SNOW. In WINTER. It’s currently 9 degrees and I’m okay with it. I don’t know what it is.
Maybe it’s December. Christmas. My baby girl turning 10 this week. The fact that her sleepover on Saturday was a huge success. My kids being happy and fun. The absolutely beautiful fat Christmas tree we put up last night. The smell alone makes me happy.
Possibly the amount of chocolate in this house helps. Maybe the cookies a lovely friend sent me the other day helped. Knowing that I got my shit together after three years and sent out Christmas cards with PHOTOS of my kids helps.
Whatever it is? I’m loving it. I’m going to love it for as long as it lasts.
Snow in December, I like it.
Come March, I make no promises.
November was a very hard month.
December seems great, as of now.
Christmas cards done. Photos this time.
Been three years since that happened.
Two years, New Years, Logan left.
Seems like a lifetime ago. Mostly.
My baby girl will be ten.
Not sure how she managed that.
Just yesterday she was a newborn.
I guess time passes quicker now.
This blog, my love. Even now.
Not sure where it’s going anymore.
Maybe I don’t need to know.
This post is brought to you by Six Word Fridays.
I was ten the year I had my one and only big sleepover. My mom felt ten was special and deserved to be treated as such. A sleepover with as many girls as I wanted to invite. I believe I had twelve girls over. Every girl in my class. I’d even invited the new girl, who I wasn’t a fan of. She’d been a shit starter from the second she walked in our class a month earlier. But I felt bad for her, so I invited her anyway.
I went to a small private school and anyone new was immediately noticed and popular. Mostly because hi, you are new! New and shiny. This chick though? She was a nightmare. I just hadn’t realized it completely. I’d been told by a few people that they wouldn’t come if she wasn’t invited. So yeah. I invited her.
My party started off just great. Everyone showed. We did a big scavenger hunt in groups around my neighborhood. There was a lot of shrieking and running around. Pizza and cake were eaten, presents were opened. It was the greatest birthday party ever.
Then my mom went to bed.
For some reason, one which I don’t remember anymore, my best friends younger sister Sarah was at the party as well. She was eight or so. A sweet kid who I’d known my entire life.
The new girl (Nicole) decided this sweet little girl was her mark for the night. I can’t tell you what all she did to her. I probably didn’t see 99% of it. All I know is that at 6am my mom came storming into the room declaring that we were all in trouble. Sarah had waited until then to tell my mom whatever had been done to her. I was in shock, but hey I was in trouble despite it. Nicole of course, blamed it all on me. I’ll never forget how mad my mom was. I’ll never forget crying as each of my friends parents were called and asked to come get their kids.
I never heard what all happened. It wasn’t nice though. This I know.
What I also know is that for the following month, I was the most unpopular kid in school. Until Nicole managed to disrupt everyone elses lives as well. As she befriended each girl in turn and made them turn on their old friends and then she turned on them…well then each one of them was suddenly nice to me again. At the end of the year, Nicole had run out of friends and funny enough, she didn’t show up the following year.
It made me fear sleepovers. With good reason I suppose. Girls can be seriously mean. I had a few after, but no more than say 3-4 girls. I always wanted the big group sleepover as a teen, but I never did it. I swore to myself that I’d never let my kids have a big sleepover like that.
I’ve managed to stick to it. Until now. Morgan will be ten years old in exactly a week. Since she turned four, she has been asking for a big sleepover as her birthday party. Every single year. Each year, I’ve put her off. We’ve done dinners at fancy restaurants with a few friends. We’ve done bouncy places. We’ve had a swim party, a gymnastics party and a cosmic bowling party.
But she’ll be ten. I, like my mother before me, believes that ten is special. So after trying to get her to have it at the wall to wall trampoline place didn’t work, I agreed. She invited twelve girls and ten RSVP’d yes. That’s eleven girls at my house for a sleepover this coming Saturday. Bailey and Harrison will spend the night with their dad, even though it’s my weekend. I’m not taking any chances. I know a lot of these girls, but I don’t know them well.
I’m scared people. I shouldn’t be. Morgan is a million times more with it than I was at her age. She won’t ignore anything and she won’t hesitate to come to me if need be. But girls are sneaky and mean. I’m wondering what the hell I set myself up for.
I fear the sleepover.
When Apple created the iOS 5 software update for my phone, I did what I was told and updated it. Eventually I went around and updated every other device in this house. For those who are curious, that’s my iPhone, my iPad, the kids iPad’s and three iTouch’s. Yes. We are spoiled. Moving on….
One of the great things that came with the update (besides it not deleting everything, which was my fear) was that the iTouch’s now have iMessage. The great thing about this, is that my girls can now iMessage me from their iTouch, when with their dad. When with me, they can iMessage him. They can iMessage my mom as well, which she finds highly enjoyable. It’s great actually. It means I can actually tell Morgan that no she really isn’t getting a phone at least for another year. Why? Because you can always iMessage me.
For the record, nine and seven year old children are pretty decent texters. Or my girls are at least. I have a rule that if you want to keep said shiny device, you will NEVER use text speak. If you mean you, you cannot type U. I’ll confiscate your iTouch for that.
It’s led to some funny conversations though. I tend to laugh, shake my head and try to figure out what they are actually saying. Other times, I end up calling their dad to ask them. Here’s a few for your viewing pleasure:
Me: Hey M, your friends like you too much. 10 of them RSVP’d to your party.
Morgan: Whoooooa. That’s because I am very mice.
Me: Mice?
M: Yes. Mice. Like Mickey.
Me: I am very mice too. That’s why I let you invite so many mice girls to our house.
M: You are mice mom. Very mice. It will be a very mice birthday. Maybe we can have some mice cream?
***********
M: Mommy were are you?
Me: Where.
M: Yes. Were are you at?
Me: Where.
M: MOMMY I need to know were you are so I know when you will come get me.
Me: WHERE.
M: Never mind.
************
Bailey: Mommy do you my blanky?
Me: Do I have your blankie?
Bailey: 
Me: I think it may be in the bottom of my car. Do you want me to bring it to you?
Bailey: *random emoticoms of whales, unicorns and thumbs up signs*
Me: Try for some real words please.
Bailey: Unicorn = Pease bring blanky to daddy home. ***
Me: Will do silly girl.
************
M: Mom, for Christmas can you get me a new bruther?
Me: Error. This mommy doesn’t talk about Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
M: Mommy, can you get me a new bruther for my birfday?**
Me: Error. This mommy doesn’t think new BROTHER’s come from a store. Therefore no.
M: STOP talking in second person.
Me: Third person?
M: Yes!!!!!!!
Me: Morgan? I am rather fond of your brother. I believe we are keeping him.
M: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo. He keeps jumping on my back when I sit down.
Me: This is simple. Don’t sit down.
M: You are no help.
Me: Try daddy. Maybe he is feeling helpful.
M: He told me to ask you. Can you just put him back?
Me: Yeah. No.
M: Why not?
Me: I’ll explain it to you when you turn 13.
*************
**Morgan can spell both birthday and brother. We all just have a bad habit of talking like said bruther does. What can I say? Three year olds are cute.
***Bailey gets a bit of a pass on spelling, since she’s only in second grade. We’ll keep working on it. Notice that she can fully spell unicorn. Priorities.
I am thankful for my three monkey kids who are my world.
I am thankful for my family being mostly healthy this year.
I am thankful that my mom and step-dad live only two hours away. Especially since I don’t have to take three kids on a plane this Thanksgiving.
I am thankful for my best friends who make my life so much better.
I am thankful for my dog who keeps me company when my kids are with Logan. Just don’t tell her I said it.
I am thankful for the pies sitting on my counter and the pumpkin brownies in the oven.
I am thankful for Starbucks. Always for Starbucks.
I am thankful that I’m doing so much better this year than last. I’m happier with my life than I have been in a few years.
I am thankful for a four day weekend. Ha.
Mostly though? I am thankful for each of you. I don’t know why you keep coming back here, but I’m so thankful that each of you do.
I hope everyone has a fantastic Thanksgiving.
1. I’m actually looking forward to the holidays this year. Last year was hard. It was the first year of sharing holidays. Even though we’d made it completely fair, it was still just hard. This year, we split up this week, as the kids have the whole week off. So right now they are in the mountains with Logan and his parents and they’ll have a blast. Wednesday night they come to me and we’ll go to my parents for three days. Christmas break will be the same. We’ve sorta just split it down the middle. I’ve gotten to where I enjoy the time with them and (mostly) don’t fret about the time without.
2. Of course I cried for a few minutes yesterday after leaving them with him. Which, sorta weirded me out. It’s been a long time since I’ve done that. It was momentary.
3. I won something on the Internet for the first time ever. I’ve been blogging since late 2005. I’ve entered a zillion contests. I rarely enter them now, just because I know I’ll never win. Last week, I entered Jodifur’s contest. Mostly because I like her. Yet I WON! Go me. Also thank you Jodi.
4. There are days where I wonder what in the world I’m doing online. Days where I find it all so tiring. Days where it feels like more work than fun. Then I see something like Anna’s daughter Margaret getting to go to the AMA’s and meet Justin Beiber, all because of social media and I know why I’m here. I remember why I do this. Because the Internet is filled with amazing people. People who help a devastated little girl have a night of pure joy.
5. I’m currently addicted to Plants vs. Zombies. It’s a silly game that’s been out for a long time. The other night I needed something mindless to do. I downloaded the app. I Luff it. Seriously.
That’s what I know right now. If I don’t post again this week, I hope you all have a fantastic Thanksgiving.
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