I’m starting to get that Christmas panic. The one where you look at a calendar and suddenly realize that Christmas is less than two weeks away. Then you remember that holy shit, your kids don’t have school next week and they are with you all week long. Which I realize is my issue, not yours, since most of you don’t share 50/50 custody. However, except for Tuesday and Thursday nights this week? My kids are with me from now till Christmas Eve, when they’ll go with their dad through New Years. Isn’t divorce entertaining?
I’m not even complaining about the kid schedule. Really, it’s all cool. I’ve always loved Christmas Eve best, because that’s when we celebrated with my mom as a kid. So it works. I get to spend most of next week doing fun things with them. I don’t have to worry about buying pretty outfits that no one really wants to wear or numerous nice meals. I get to give gifts and let them open them at night and not after a 4am wake up call. Ahem Bailey in previous years. Then I get to hang out with my mom and step-dad for a few days and go back to work. He has the fly on Christmas Eve (and New Years Day) with three kids, multiple family events, please PUT ON THE TIGHTS ALREADY fight and has to do the Santa thing. I kinda won. ha.
Mostly? It’s the other things that are making me panic. The fact that work has gotten INSANE this month. The fact that I’ll have to work two days next week and have only managed to find one of my children places to go one of those days. The fact that I am so tired after working all day that I can’t manage to do anything during the week. Truly. Last week? I ate Cheeze-Its for dinner one night and ice cream for another, just because it was easy and involved no dishes.
I haven’t baked a thing. I have barely considered the fact that I have four boxes that need to be mailed. While I did go nuts and do all of my remaining Christmas shopping on Saturday, I haven’t wrapped a thing. In fact, I haven’t even looked to see if I have wrapping paper.
We have four playdate/events scheduled. One for next weekend, three for the part of the week that I am off for. Each of these things thrills me, it really does. But OMFG how am I supposed to get anything done?
I need to take a few deep breaths. This I know. My mom will be here from Wednesday on next week and I know she’ll help me wrap at night if need be. I also probably need to lower my expectations for baking and getting things done around here. I mailed cards for the first time in three years. My tree is up and it’s beautiful. I will find time to wrap. Somewhere. Maybe this is the year of cut and bake sugar cookies. The year of mostly bags instead of wrapped gifts. Who knows?
What I do know is that I’m not alone in this panicky feeling, right?
When I called you at daddy’s this morning, I said to you the same thing I’ve said every year since you were three. First, I wished you a happy birthday and told you how much I love you. Then I reminded you that you were born at 10:43pm, so technically you are still nine years old until then. I swear to you, I heard the eye roll over the phone. Oh mommy, you said, one day you will have to move past that. Bwahahahaha. It’s something I say to you and your siblings at times and it’s hysterically funny to have it used against me. The next thing you said to me was, we’re still having ribs tonight right? Yes child, yes. Ribs is what you want and ribs you shall have.
Today, my love, you are ten. Ten years old. Double digits. I’m not sure how this happened exactly. It seems like just yesterday when you were born. My very tiny, perfect baby girl. You had angel kisses on your eyelids. I’ll never forget them, even though they went away when you were two months old. I didn’t realize then how much you’d change my world. But oh you did. It was for the better. I’ve never, not even for a moment, regretted having you when I did even though I was young. Young isn’t always a bad thing. Although I’d appreciate it, if you’d wait a bit longer than I did.
You had huge eyes that looked at my very soul. They still do actually. You have this ability to look at me and find the truth. I think it’s why I never lie to you. Not even about the small things anymore. We have a pact, you and I. I tell you the truth and you don’t ask questions unless you want the real answer. So far, it’s worked out for us. I hope this is something that never changes. I hope you’ll always remember that you can talk to me about everything.
Nine was a very good year for you. You made a new best friend, one who is very easy to get along with. The two of you are pretty inseparable. You changed dance classes, from the rec center to a real studio. You live to dance. Last winter you learned to snowboard and you can’t wait for this weekend, because it will be the first time this year to go up to the mountain with daddy. You ski black diamonds with him, which terrifies me. Yet you have no fear. He promises me, that you are actually a better skier than him and I have nothing to fear. School has been phenomenal this year, as your teacher is JUST LIKE YOU, so she fully understands how you operate. I’m so thankful that you’ll have her next year too. YAY hippy charter school!
You read books like they are going out of style, which is something I always hoped for when you were very small. Watching you sit and read gives me more joy than almost anything. Tonight you will get a Kindle, something that you’ve asked for, for months and months. I know you’ll be ecstatic, especially since you believe the Just Dance 3 game and your sleepover last weekend were your gifts. Ha. I’m sneaky like that. Truth is, I’m ecstatic too. I want MY KINDLE back.
Ten is so big baby girl. I know that this will be a big important year in your life. I remember being ten. Man how I loved being ten. I hope you love it as well. This year you get your wish. Daddy and I agreed to send you to sleep away camp next summer. You couldn’t be happier. I’ll work on getting there. I promise. What can I say? Your mama is a worrier. I will do everything in my power to make this a phenomenal year. For all of us.
You made me who I am today. You paved the way to make life easier on your siblings. I am forever thankful for you.
Happy 10th birthday Morgan. Mommy loves you to the moon and back.
to those of you who have been reading me for years. But I’m going to say it anyway.
I’m really happy right now.
Truly happy and it’s nice. I don’t know that I’m used to it. Although this year has been so much better. I’ve been happier more this year than in the past four years. Right now though? I’m very happy.
My life isn’t perfect. There are definite changes on the horizon for next year. Some may be more challenging than others. My money situation needs some work. My house could use some definite work. But you know, none of that seems to be dragging me down.
People? The snow makes me happy. The SNOW. In WINTER. It’s currently 9 degrees and I’m okay with it. I don’t know what it is.
Maybe it’s December. Christmas. My baby girl turning 10 this week. The fact that her sleepover on Saturday was a huge success. My kids being happy and fun. The absolutely beautiful fat Christmas tree we put up last night. The smell alone makes me happy.
Possibly the amount of chocolate in this house helps. Maybe the cookies a lovely friend sent me the other day helped. Knowing that I got my shit together after three years and sent out Christmas cards with PHOTOS of my kids helps.
Whatever it is? I’m loving it. I’m going to love it for as long as it lasts.
Snow in December, I like it.
Come March, I make no promises.
November was a very hard month.
December seems great, as of now.
Christmas cards done. Photos this time.
Been three years since that happened.
Two years, New Years, Logan left.
Seems like a lifetime ago. Mostly.
My baby girl will be ten.
Not sure how she managed that.
Just yesterday she was a newborn.
I guess time passes quicker now.
This blog, my love. Even now.
Not sure where it’s going anymore.
Maybe I don’t need to know.
This post is brought to you by Six Word Fridays.
I was ten the year I had my one and only big sleepover. My mom felt ten was special and deserved to be treated as such. A sleepover with as many girls as I wanted to invite. I believe I had twelve girls over. Every girl in my class. I’d even invited the new girl, who I wasn’t a fan of. She’d been a shit starter from the second she walked in our class a month earlier. But I felt bad for her, so I invited her anyway.
I went to a small private school and anyone new was immediately noticed and popular. Mostly because hi, you are new! New and shiny. This chick though? She was a nightmare. I just hadn’t realized it completely. I’d been told by a few people that they wouldn’t come if she wasn’t invited. So yeah. I invited her.
My party started off just great. Everyone showed. We did a big scavenger hunt in groups around my neighborhood. There was a lot of shrieking and running around. Pizza and cake were eaten, presents were opened. It was the greatest birthday party ever.
Then my mom went to bed.
For some reason, one which I don’t remember anymore, my best friends younger sister Sarah was at the party as well. She was eight or so. A sweet kid who I’d known my entire life.
The new girl (Nicole) decided this sweet little girl was her mark for the night. I can’t tell you what all she did to her. I probably didn’t see 99% of it. All I know is that at 6am my mom came storming into the room declaring that we were all in trouble. Sarah had waited until then to tell my mom whatever had been done to her. I was in shock, but hey I was in trouble despite it. Nicole of course, blamed it all on me. I’ll never forget how mad my mom was. I’ll never forget crying as each of my friends parents were called and asked to come get their kids.
I never heard what all happened. It wasn’t nice though. This I know.
What I also know is that for the following month, I was the most unpopular kid in school. Until Nicole managed to disrupt everyone elses lives as well. As she befriended each girl in turn and made them turn on their old friends and then she turned on them…well then each one of them was suddenly nice to me again. At the end of the year, Nicole had run out of friends and funny enough, she didn’t show up the following year.
It made me fear sleepovers. With good reason I suppose. Girls can be seriously mean. I had a few after, but no more than say 3-4 girls. I always wanted the big group sleepover as a teen, but I never did it. I swore to myself that I’d never let my kids have a big sleepover like that.
I’ve managed to stick to it. Until now. Morgan will be ten years old in exactly a week. Since she turned four, she has been asking for a big sleepover as her birthday party. Every single year. Each year, I’ve put her off. We’ve done dinners at fancy restaurants with a few friends. We’ve done bouncy places. We’ve had a swim party, a gymnastics party and a cosmic bowling party.
But she’ll be ten. I, like my mother before me, believes that ten is special. So after trying to get her to have it at the wall to wall trampoline place didn’t work, I agreed. She invited twelve girls and ten RSVP’d yes. That’s eleven girls at my house for a sleepover this coming Saturday. Bailey and Harrison will spend the night with their dad, even though it’s my weekend. I’m not taking any chances. I know a lot of these girls, but I don’t know them well.
I’m scared people. I shouldn’t be. Morgan is a million times more with it than I was at her age. She won’t ignore anything and she won’t hesitate to come to me if need be. But girls are sneaky and mean. I’m wondering what the hell I set myself up for.
I fear the sleepover.
When Apple created the iOS 5 software update for my phone, I did what I was told and updated it. Eventually I went around and updated every other device in this house. For those who are curious, that’s my iPhone, my iPad, the kids iPad’s and three iTouch’s. Yes. We are spoiled. Moving on….
One of the great things that came with the update (besides it not deleting everything, which was my fear) was that the iTouch’s now have iMessage. The great thing about this, is that my girls can now iMessage me from their iTouch, when with their dad. When with me, they can iMessage him. They can iMessage my mom as well, which she finds highly enjoyable. It’s great actually. It means I can actually tell Morgan that no she really isn’t getting a phone at least for another year. Why? Because you can always iMessage me.
For the record, nine and seven year old children are pretty decent texters. Or my girls are at least. I have a rule that if you want to keep said shiny device, you will NEVER use text speak. If you mean you, you cannot type U. I’ll confiscate your iTouch for that.
It’s led to some funny conversations though. I tend to laugh, shake my head and try to figure out what they are actually saying. Other times, I end up calling their dad to ask them. Here’s a few for your viewing pleasure:
Me: Hey M, your friends like you too much. 10 of them RSVP’d to your party.
Morgan: Whoooooa. That’s because I am very mice.
Me: Mice?
M: Yes. Mice. Like Mickey.
Me: I am very mice too. That’s why I let you invite so many mice girls to our house.
M: You are mice mom. Very mice. It will be a very mice birthday. Maybe we can have some mice cream?
***********
M: Mommy were are you?
Me: Where.
M: Yes. Were are you at?
Me: Where.
M: MOMMY I need to know were you are so I know when you will come get me.
Me: WHERE.
M: Never mind.
************
Bailey: Mommy do you my blanky?
Me: Do I have your blankie?
Bailey: 
Me: I think it may be in the bottom of my car. Do you want me to bring it to you?
Bailey: *random emoticoms of whales, unicorns and thumbs up signs*
Me: Try for some real words please.
Bailey: Unicorn = Pease bring blanky to daddy home. ***
Me: Will do silly girl.
************
M: Mom, for Christmas can you get me a new bruther?
Me: Error. This mommy doesn’t talk about Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
M: Mommy, can you get me a new bruther for my birfday?**
Me: Error. This mommy doesn’t think new BROTHER’s come from a store. Therefore no.
M: STOP talking in second person.
Me: Third person?
M: Yes!!!!!!!
Me: Morgan? I am rather fond of your brother. I believe we are keeping him.
M: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo. He keeps jumping on my back when I sit down.
Me: This is simple. Don’t sit down.
M: You are no help.
Me: Try daddy. Maybe he is feeling helpful.
M: He told me to ask you. Can you just put him back?
Me: Yeah. No.
M: Why not?
Me: I’ll explain it to you when you turn 13.
*************
**Morgan can spell both birthday and brother. We all just have a bad habit of talking like said bruther does. What can I say? Three year olds are cute.
***Bailey gets a bit of a pass on spelling, since she’s only in second grade. We’ll keep working on it. Notice that she can fully spell unicorn. Priorities.
I am thankful for my three monkey kids who are my world.
I am thankful for my family being mostly healthy this year.
I am thankful that my mom and step-dad live only two hours away. Especially since I don’t have to take three kids on a plane this Thanksgiving.
I am thankful for my best friends who make my life so much better.
I am thankful for my dog who keeps me company when my kids are with Logan. Just don’t tell her I said it.
I am thankful for the pies sitting on my counter and the pumpkin brownies in the oven.
I am thankful for Starbucks. Always for Starbucks.
I am thankful that I’m doing so much better this year than last. I’m happier with my life than I have been in a few years.
I am thankful for a four day weekend. Ha.
Mostly though? I am thankful for each of you. I don’t know why you keep coming back here, but I’m so thankful that each of you do.
I hope everyone has a fantastic Thanksgiving.
1. I’m actually looking forward to the holidays this year. Last year was hard. It was the first year of sharing holidays. Even though we’d made it completely fair, it was still just hard. This year, we split up this week, as the kids have the whole week off. So right now they are in the mountains with Logan and his parents and they’ll have a blast. Wednesday night they come to me and we’ll go to my parents for three days. Christmas break will be the same. We’ve sorta just split it down the middle. I’ve gotten to where I enjoy the time with them and (mostly) don’t fret about the time without.
2. Of course I cried for a few minutes yesterday after leaving them with him. Which, sorta weirded me out. It’s been a long time since I’ve done that. It was momentary.
3. I won something on the Internet for the first time ever. I’ve been blogging since late 2005. I’ve entered a zillion contests. I rarely enter them now, just because I know I’ll never win. Last week, I entered Jodifur’s contest. Mostly because I like her. Yet I WON! Go me. Also thank you Jodi.
4. There are days where I wonder what in the world I’m doing online. Days where I find it all so tiring. Days where it feels like more work than fun. Then I see something like Anna’s daughter Margaret getting to go to the AMA’s and meet Justin Beiber, all because of social media and I know why I’m here. I remember why I do this. Because the Internet is filled with amazing people. People who help a devastated little girl have a night of pure joy.
5. I’m currently addicted to Plants vs. Zombies. It’s a silly game that’s been out for a long time. The other night I needed something mindless to do. I downloaded the app. I Luff it. Seriously.
That’s what I know right now. If I don’t post again this week, I hope you all have a fantastic Thanksgiving.
I don’t remember where I saw that line, or if I heard it somewhere. It’s stuck in my mind for months and months. It may have been said to me, it may have been on the side of a bus. I think of it often.
It takes courage to feel.
Truer words have never been spoken. It does take courage. Maybe not the courage one thinks of, because we tend to think of the word in larger ways. People who run into burning buildings to save little old people. Kids fighting cancer. Anyone who stands up to a bully. Courage means all of that and more. That’s the joy of words, they tend to mean many things.
Can I tell you what else feeling your feelings does? It makes you very, very tired. I feel kinda foggy this week, if that makes sense. Which it may not. I’m not depressed. I’ve had no trouble getting up. Darkness at 5pm no longer makes me weepy. This week, so far, has been pretty decent. Yet, I feel like I’m walking around in a fog. Everything takes more energy than I have.
Last week was emotionally exhausting for me. Dealing with things that I tend to ignore, is hard. I don’t like being that person, the person who gets triggered by things in the news. I have to be honest and say, I am that person. Being triggered all week, was tiring. I am proud that I didn’t give into the depression. But it wasn’t easy.
Saying what I said the other day, wasn’t easy. I hate opening that closet and sharing what’s inside. I’d like to close that closet door and throw away the key, but I know that’s not healthy either. Tried that for years. It worked until it didn’t. I can’t do that again.
For now, I’ve re-closed that door. It means I can’t respond to your lovely, kind, supportive emails and comments. I’ve tried. Oh how I’ve tried. Just know, I appreciate every single one of you.
This week, I’m trying to be kind to myself. Last night I opened up the bag that was hiding the chocolates I bought for Christmas. My first Christmas purchase. Whatever. I will buy more. Sometimes you just need some Harry and David Treats. This week, I’ll recover from last week. Hopefully by next week, I’ll feel back to normal.
In other news, I just want to say a HUGE congratulations to my amazing friend Christy on the birth of her new baby boy yesterday.
I’ve tried to ignore it. For an entire week I’ve tried so very hard to ignore the Penn State drama. I’ve ignored Twitter. I’ve stopped reading news sites. I hit mark all as read on BlogHer in my reader. I’ve not commented on any posts about it.
Yet, I’ve been depressed. I’ve been falling. Sinking into a place that I hate. A place that I am having to fight very hard to not stay in. I could have blamed that on the time change. In fact, I have tried to blame it on that. But…I’ve been having stomach aches. I’ve been getting headaches. A single commercial can make me sad. I’ve started having nightmares again. It took me a few days, but I did figure out why.
This Penn State thing is a major trigger. In fact it’s the first major one since I spent a year in therapy trying to learn to deal with my issues. Trying to learn to not flip out like this at everything. Therapy was successful to a degree. There’s only so much work one can do on an issue though. It never goes away. I can’t seem to get away from this one, this time. With small triggers, I can. I’ve learned the skills to deal. This is EVERYWHERE though. I don’t blame the media, or people on Twitter for talking about it non-stop. It needs to be talked about. Maybe then next time someone will stand up and do the right thing. Next time someone sees or hears about a child being abused they will do the right thing. Instead of just thinking it’s none of their business. This issue? It’s everyones business.
I am triggered, because no one protected me. I was abused from seven to fifteen years old. I was sexually abused as a child and no one knew and no one ever protected me. I am damaged people. I put on a brave face and go about my life. But I’m still damaged. No amount of therapy changes that. I’ve learned to cope better. I’ve learned what not to watch, what not to read, what not to listen too. However, this will never go away from me.
I wasn’t protected. All kids deserve to be protected. All kids, no matter what, deserve that.
So…I hope you’ll forgive me for ignoring Twitter at times. For getting off Facebook. For not reading your posts about this issue. It’s not that I don’t care. Its that I have to protect myself. Because I’m the only one who will.
Grab My Button!
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