1. I’m actually looking forward to the holidays this year. Last year was hard. It was the first year of sharing holidays. Even though we’d made it completely fair, it was still just hard. This year, we split up this week, as the kids have the whole week off. So right now they are in the mountains with Logan and his parents and they’ll have a blast. Wednesday night they come to me and we’ll go to my parents for three days. Christmas break will be the same. We’ve sorta just split it down the middle. I’ve gotten to where I enjoy the time with them and (mostly) don’t fret about the time without.
2. Of course I cried for a few minutes yesterday after leaving them with him. Which, sorta weirded me out. It’s been a long time since I’ve done that. It was momentary.
3. I won something on the Internet for the first time ever. I’ve been blogging since late 2005. I’ve entered a zillion contests. I rarely enter them now, just because I know I’ll never win. Last week, I entered Jodifur’s contest. Mostly because I like her. Yet I WON! Go me. Also thank you Jodi.
4. There are days where I wonder what in the world I’m doing online. Days where I find it all so tiring. Days where it feels like more work than fun. Then I see something like Anna’s daughter Margaret getting to go to the AMA’s and meet Justin Beiber, all because of social media and I know why I’m here. I remember why I do this. Because the Internet is filled with amazing people. People who help a devastated little girl have a night of pure joy.
5. I’m currently addicted to Plants vs. Zombies. It’s a silly game that’s been out for a long time. The other night I needed something mindless to do. I downloaded the app. I Luff it. Seriously.
That’s what I know right now. If I don’t post again this week, I hope you all have a fantastic Thanksgiving.
I don’t remember where I saw that line, or if I heard it somewhere. It’s stuck in my mind for months and months. It may have been said to me, it may have been on the side of a bus. I think of it often.
It takes courage to feel.
Truer words have never been spoken. It does take courage. Maybe not the courage one thinks of, because we tend to think of the word in larger ways. People who run into burning buildings to save little old people. Kids fighting cancer. Anyone who stands up to a bully. Courage means all of that and more. That’s the joy of words, they tend to mean many things.
Can I tell you what else feeling your feelings does? It makes you very, very tired. I feel kinda foggy this week, if that makes sense. Which it may not. I’m not depressed. I’ve had no trouble getting up. Darkness at 5pm no longer makes me weepy. This week, so far, has been pretty decent. Yet, I feel like I’m walking around in a fog. Everything takes more energy than I have.
Last week was emotionally exhausting for me. Dealing with things that I tend to ignore, is hard. I don’t like being that person, the person who gets triggered by things in the news. I have to be honest and say, I am that person. Being triggered all week, was tiring. I am proud that I didn’t give into the depression. But it wasn’t easy.
Saying what I said the other day, wasn’t easy. I hate opening that closet and sharing what’s inside. I’d like to close that closet door and throw away the key, but I know that’s not healthy either. Tried that for years. It worked until it didn’t. I can’t do that again.
For now, I’ve re-closed that door. It means I can’t respond to your lovely, kind, supportive emails and comments. I’ve tried. Oh how I’ve tried. Just know, I appreciate every single one of you.
This week, I’m trying to be kind to myself. Last night I opened up the bag that was hiding the chocolates I bought for Christmas. My first Christmas purchase. Whatever. I will buy more. Sometimes you just need some Harry and David Treats. This week, I’ll recover from last week. Hopefully by next week, I’ll feel back to normal.
In other news, I just want to say a HUGE congratulations to my amazing friend Christy on the birth of her new baby boy yesterday.
I’ve tried to ignore it. For an entire week I’ve tried so very hard to ignore the Penn State drama. I’ve ignored Twitter. I’ve stopped reading news sites. I hit mark all as read on BlogHer in my reader. I’ve not commented on any posts about it.
Yet, I’ve been depressed. I’ve been falling. Sinking into a place that I hate. A place that I am having to fight very hard to not stay in. I could have blamed that on the time change. In fact, I have tried to blame it on that. But…I’ve been having stomach aches. I’ve been getting headaches. A single commercial can make me sad. I’ve started having nightmares again. It took me a few days, but I did figure out why.
This Penn State thing is a major trigger. In fact it’s the first major one since I spent a year in therapy trying to learn to deal with my issues. Trying to learn to not flip out like this at everything. Therapy was successful to a degree. There’s only so much work one can do on an issue though. It never goes away. I can’t seem to get away from this one, this time. With small triggers, I can. I’ve learned the skills to deal. This is EVERYWHERE though. I don’t blame the media, or people on Twitter for talking about it non-stop. It needs to be talked about. Maybe then next time someone will stand up and do the right thing. Next time someone sees or hears about a child being abused they will do the right thing. Instead of just thinking it’s none of their business. This issue? It’s everyones business.
I am triggered, because no one protected me. I was abused from seven to fifteen years old. I was sexually abused as a child and no one knew and no one ever protected me. I am damaged people. I put on a brave face and go about my life. But I’m still damaged. No amount of therapy changes that. I’ve learned to cope better. I’ve learned what not to watch, what not to read, what not to listen too. However, this will never go away from me.
I wasn’t protected. All kids deserve to be protected. All kids, no matter what, deserve that.
So…I hope you’ll forgive me for ignoring Twitter at times. For getting off Facebook. For not reading your posts about this issue. It’s not that I don’t care. Its that I have to protect myself. Because I’m the only one who will.
The days go by faster. Sunlight dwindles. Night comes earlier. It’s completely dark before I am able to pick up my kids. Monday night two of mine asked me why I was picking them up at bedtime. Night at 5pm is an adjustment for us all.
The gorgeous leaves have all fallen away and left brown in it’s place. Brown grass, brown trees. Winter. Winter is here.
My mother tries to convince me that it’s still technically fall. She’s technically correct. Yet, winter is here.
I feel it in my bones. The cold is already hard to take. The dark is already hard to take. It may be a long six months. Today was the first day in months where I really could have just hidden in bed all day. I didn’t, but I could have. I wanted to.
The child abuse case everyone is talking about non-stop sits badly with me. I have to turn it all off. I can’t listen. I can’t engage. I can’t…I just can’t.
Winter. Yep. It’s here.
The other day I said something that I hadn’t really thought about much. I said to Liz, I truly love living in Colorado.
I do. It’s taken me a long time to find it, but I really do love living here. I no longer want to move back to California. Don’t get me wrong, I miss things about California. The beach. The fact that two of my best friends live there. Trader Joes. If I could have those things here, I’d take them in a heartbeat.
Yet, here I sit, loving this place. I even thanked my ex the other day for moving us here. He laughed at me. Four years later, he said? What can I say, I’m a slow learner.
I resisted this life for so long, that I wasn’t even trying to enjoy it. One of the things I promised myself last year, was to learn to love things about this place. In my divorce agreement, I am here until my children turn 18…or I have to leave them here with him. We wrote that in to protect us both. However, it’s been a hard thing to swallow. I knew the only way to find peace with it, was to make myself love it here. Fake it, till you make it.
Truth?
I love four seasons. I may hate winter, but my kids don’t. My kids are skiers. They love snow. I can still not like winter, but I can appreciate that my children love it. It makes it tolerable. Also? I love the three other seasons.
I love that my life is easier. I love that I can live on way less money. That I work 40 hour weeks (except for six weeks during tax season) and not 70 hour weeks to support us.
I love that my kids can play outside. That I can drive to my parents house two hours away and be in silence. A place where my kids can play in the woods. A place where we can see stars at night.
I love that public school is our life. I don’t need to fear going bankrupt to send my kids to a good school. I love that our house has a basement for them and a backyard for them to play in.
I say that Denver is a little city in big city pants. It’s true. Denver is not big. Not to me at least. Yet, it’s big enough. I can take my kids to museums, to nice restaurants, to plays. I can find almost any store. We live in a place where it’s generally quiet at night. Where I don’t fear crime. Where you can drive nearly anywhere in half and hour or less.
I let Colorado into my heart this year. I’m finally happy to say, I live here. I am still a California girl at heart…but my heart has grown a place for Colorado too.
I’d still take a Trader Joes though. Freaking Colorado and their antiquated liquor laws.
On Friday it will be a year since my divorce was final. A year. An entire year. We’ve now been separated for 21 months. It seems like a lifetime ago, yet at times it seems like only seconds.
Last night I had one of those moments. The moments that thankfully are farther and farther between. A moment where I realized I wanted something from the other room and called to him to get it for me. My only response of course, was the dog peeking around the door eyeballing me.
For a moment, I cried for what was.
The day of your divorce isn’t something people want to remember or celebrate in any way. Yet, I can’t seem to not think about it. It’s been in my thoughts for the past few days. This was the end last year. The end of a lifetime. Our lifetime. The end of the way our family had been. We are still family. Those three little people connect us in a way that will never end completely. Yet October 14th last year was our end.
I’ve spent the last year re-creating myself. Making myself get up every day and fake it, until the day came where I didn’t have to fake it anymore. I’ve spent the last year making memories with my kids. New memories. Our memories. Ones Logan doesn’t get to share. He in turn has made a years worth of memories with them as well. Ones I don’t get to share. That’s one of the hardest you know, knowing what you are missing out on in your kids lives.
I don’t know exactly what comes next. I know what I hope comes next. I know good things will happen in the next year, because I will make them happen, just like I did this year. I’m proud of what I’ve done in this past year. I’m proud of who I’ve become in the past year. Someone stronger, more secure in myself, someone I can be proud of.
Divorce isn’t all sunshine and roses. Not even close. Half the time I don’t have my kids. Half the time I am alone with my pup. Sometimes I’m okay with that and other times is sucks donkey balls. I try my best to be positive, but some days are just harder than others. But I’ve made it this far.
If I could tell one thing to people about to start this process? I’d tell you the first year is the worst. It does get better after that. 95% of the time, it’s better. You learn to count on only yourself and well at least for me, I found out that I’m stronger than I ever knew. He’s happier now than he’d been in years. As hard as it is for me to say, I am too. My idea of what our marriage was…well in some ways, it may have been more in my head than the reality. I am happier now. I am.
Sometimes though, I’ll still have a night like last night. A moment where I forget. A moment where I call for someone who left 21 months ago. Shrug. Like I said, at least it’s few and far between these days.
A year. I’ve made it an entire year. While the day of my divorce may not be something to celebrate, me surviving an entire year is.
I was texting with a friend the other day and I told her: I’m really a glass half empty type person, yet I’m not with this one thing.
The one thing doesn’t matter in this moment. However, I’ve been thinking about this glass half empty thing. It is true, I am. I don’t believe I’ve ever said it and really thought about what it meant. Right now though, I’m really trying to be a glass half full person.
Is it possible to change such a big thing in your personality? I’m 31 years old. Isn’t my personality pretty set? Do I get a say in this?
Every day for say the past month, when I say something negative, or think something negative, I make myself come up with three good reasons for whatever it happened to be.
When I look at the leaves changing colors, my first thought is DAMMIT, I hate winter. WTF? It’s the beginning of fall. Hell it’s been in the 80′s for a solid week. I then force myself to think about fall. About the pumpkin everything I can make. About sweaters, jeans and new shoes waiting to be worn in my closet. About Sunday’s spent lounging in PJ’s watching football. Halloween and Thanksgiving and the Macy’s Day Parade which I adore.
When I have to pay a very large bill that I wasn’t planning on, my first thought is about how much freaking money that is. OMG think of all the things I could have used that money for. Dammit, I wanted to do this, that and whatever with that money. Then, in my re-thinking, I tell myself, hey I had the money. I didn’t have to pull it out of savings. I didn’t have to use a credit card. So YAY GO ME!
It’s hard, but I’ve been forcing myself to do this constantly. I’m tired of worrying all the time. I’m tired of thinking out the five worst case scenarios to everything that comes up. Really people, it’s exhausting to be a glass half empty type.
Yet, I’ve been that way my entire life and I’m not sure that I can change it. I’d like to think that somehow I can. Is it possible to change in this way? Can I learn to be a glass half full person? Do you think anyone can? Well your guess is as good as mine.
I will keep trying. One small thing at a time. I guess we’ll see if it’s possible.
The other day I was looking at posts from two years ago. Is it weird that I barely recognize myself from that time? I was a complete mess. I had good reason to be, there was a lot of stuff in my face that I had to deal with.
Here I sit though, two years later and I wish I could go back and tell myself that it’d all be okay. That’d I’d be okay. That I would make it to the other side of that hell that I found myself in. It’s not that September two years ago was all bad. There were some great moments. I met my best friend in Vegas for a girls weekend. My son turned one years old. But holy hell that was a hard time in my life.
September now is different. I am different. For the first time in years I feel in control of my own emotional well being. I haven’t had a panic attack in I don’t remember how long. While I may be dreading winter, I have faith that I will make it through winter in one piece. I can’t say that I never freak out at stupid shit, but hey, I’m a woman. It’s bound to happen from time to time. The difference? I don’t let it stop me from living. I don’t hide in bed anymore. I don’t stop talking to my best friends anymore. I’ve worked my ass off to get to this point.
I am loving fall. I love having my windows open and my AC off. I love shopping for fall clothes for myself and the kids. I love fall TV, watching football on Sunday’s and putting chili and cornbread back into my meal rotation. I love our schedule right now. I’m making some changes that will be big…hopefully.
It’s been a long two years. However, I’m proud of how far I’ve come in two years.
That was a line my daughter Bailey used to use as a toddler when she’d get sad at daycare. We’d ask her why she was sad at lunch, or nap time or whatever time period they’d written on her daily form. She always replied, your hugs wore off mama.
At the time it made my workaholic heart ache. The following year we moved here and before I knew it, she’d grown out of that phase. Occasionally she will call me from her dad’s house and say, I just need you mommy. It’s a different version of the same thing. She’s a mama’s girl and I get it, as I’m one myself. Sometimes a phone call works, sometimes a quick trip over there does the trick. Sometimes you just need a hug.
BlogHer was a month ago. It seems like yesterday, but it also seems like a lifetime ago. I was lucky. It was an entire week for me, with BH and then my BFF trip. A week of late night conversations. A week filled to the brim with laughter. A week of coffee dates and dinners out. A week filled with a shit load of hugs.
Driving to get myself coffee a bit ago to improve my day, I looked outside at the rainy 55 degree day (I know, wtf?) and realized that I could really use a friend hug right about now. I just don’t really have anyone here for that.
I think my hugs wore off.
All those amazing friend hugs, gone in one month. Dam I use those suckers up fast. When’s BlogHer12 again?
The longer I go without writing the easier it gets. At the same time, the longer I go without writing the more I miss it. It’s a weird thing. I don’t want to stop writing. For me, not writing means I’m not talking. That’s never a good thing for me. At the same time, I don’t know what to say.
Confused yet? That’s okay, I am too. Maybe I’ll try and tell you all what’s been going on. We’ll take it from there. I’ll get back to writing in this space soon. I need it. It may just take me a bit to find my sea legs again.
I haven’t been on Twitter in two days. I miss it. At the same time, I’ve gotten a shit load of stuff done this weekend. I’ve been to IKEA (finally) and The Container Store. I organized bathrooms and cleaned my house. I baked a cherry pie and threw out a ton of junk. I’ve read two books and finally managed to watch some of the shows sitting there mocking me on my DVR. All in all I’ve had a decent weekend.
I’ve made a giant decision that will change my life forever. I’m thrilled with it. It may just take me awhile to be willing to share. I will eventually. I promise. I’m just not there yet.
Harrison is fully potty trained. Unfortunately he finds peeing on trees to be way too fun. Last Friday he peed on a tree at daycare. Yeah. He’s such a boy. The funniest thing is that his dad had this HUGE talk with him about not doing that and then took him camping for three days…where he peed on more trees.
My tiny, yet not tiny boy is turning three this month. Something I can’t quite imagine. (Although he’s been telling people he was three since his cousin turned three in July.) How did he get to be three years old already? I am relinquishing control this year and letting his dad throw the party. All I have to do it show up. It’s weird, but it will work out just fine.
The girls started school a few weeks ago. They are both seriously loving their teachers this year. It always makes me laugh when they raise their hands to ask me something.
That’s what I know right now. I hope you are all doing well.
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