The days go by faster. Sunlight dwindles. Night comes earlier. It’s completely dark before I am able to pick up my kids. Monday night two of mine asked me why I was picking them up at bedtime. Night at 5pm is an adjustment for us all.
The gorgeous leaves have all fallen away and left brown in it’s place. Brown grass, brown trees. Winter. Winter is here.
My mother tries to convince me that it’s still technically fall. She’s technically correct. Yet, winter is here.
I feel it in my bones. The cold is already hard to take. The dark is already hard to take. It may be a long six months. Today was the first day in months where I really could have just hidden in bed all day. I didn’t, but I could have. I wanted to.
The child abuse case everyone is talking about non-stop sits badly with me. I have to turn it all off. I can’t listen. I can’t engage. I can’t…I just can’t.
Winter. Yep. It’s here.
The other day I said something that I hadn’t really thought about much. I said to Liz, I truly love living in Colorado.
I do. It’s taken me a long time to find it, but I really do love living here. I no longer want to move back to California. Don’t get me wrong, I miss things about California. The beach. The fact that two of my best friends live there. Trader Joes. If I could have those things here, I’d take them in a heartbeat.
Yet, here I sit, loving this place. I even thanked my ex the other day for moving us here. He laughed at me. Four years later, he said? What can I say, I’m a slow learner.
I resisted this life for so long, that I wasn’t even trying to enjoy it. One of the things I promised myself last year, was to learn to love things about this place. In my divorce agreement, I am here until my children turn 18…or I have to leave them here with him. We wrote that in to protect us both. However, it’s been a hard thing to swallow. I knew the only way to find peace with it, was to make myself love it here. Fake it, till you make it.
Truth?
I love four seasons. I may hate winter, but my kids don’t. My kids are skiers. They love snow. I can still not like winter, but I can appreciate that my children love it. It makes it tolerable. Also? I love the three other seasons.
I love that my life is easier. I love that I can live on way less money. That I work 40 hour weeks (except for six weeks during tax season) and not 70 hour weeks to support us.
I love that my kids can play outside. That I can drive to my parents house two hours away and be in silence. A place where my kids can play in the woods. A place where we can see stars at night.
I love that public school is our life. I don’t need to fear going bankrupt to send my kids to a good school. I love that our house has a basement for them and a backyard for them to play in.
I say that Denver is a little city in big city pants. It’s true. Denver is not big. Not to me at least. Yet, it’s big enough. I can take my kids to museums, to nice restaurants, to plays. I can find almost any store. We live in a place where it’s generally quiet at night. Where I don’t fear crime. Where you can drive nearly anywhere in half and hour or less.
I let Colorado into my heart this year. I’m finally happy to say, I live here. I am still a California girl at heart…but my heart has grown a place for Colorado too.
I’d still take a Trader Joes though. Freaking Colorado and their antiquated liquor laws.
On Friday it will be a year since my divorce was final. A year. An entire year. We’ve now been separated for 21 months. It seems like a lifetime ago, yet at times it seems like only seconds.
Last night I had one of those moments. The moments that thankfully are farther and farther between. A moment where I realized I wanted something from the other room and called to him to get it for me. My only response of course, was the dog peeking around the door eyeballing me.
For a moment, I cried for what was.
The day of your divorce isn’t something people want to remember or celebrate in any way. Yet, I can’t seem to not think about it. It’s been in my thoughts for the past few days. This was the end last year. The end of a lifetime. Our lifetime. The end of the way our family had been. We are still family. Those three little people connect us in a way that will never end completely. Yet October 14th last year was our end.
I’ve spent the last year re-creating myself. Making myself get up every day and fake it, until the day came where I didn’t have to fake it anymore. I’ve spent the last year making memories with my kids. New memories. Our memories. Ones Logan doesn’t get to share. He in turn has made a years worth of memories with them as well. Ones I don’t get to share. That’s one of the hardest you know, knowing what you are missing out on in your kids lives.
I don’t know exactly what comes next. I know what I hope comes next. I know good things will happen in the next year, because I will make them happen, just like I did this year. I’m proud of what I’ve done in this past year. I’m proud of who I’ve become in the past year. Someone stronger, more secure in myself, someone I can be proud of.
Divorce isn’t all sunshine and roses. Not even close. Half the time I don’t have my kids. Half the time I am alone with my pup. Sometimes I’m okay with that and other times is sucks donkey balls. I try my best to be positive, but some days are just harder than others. But I’ve made it this far.
If I could tell one thing to people about to start this process? I’d tell you the first year is the worst. It does get better after that. 95% of the time, it’s better. You learn to count on only yourself and well at least for me, I found out that I’m stronger than I ever knew. He’s happier now than he’d been in years. As hard as it is for me to say, I am too. My idea of what our marriage was…well in some ways, it may have been more in my head than the reality. I am happier now. I am.
Sometimes though, I’ll still have a night like last night. A moment where I forget. A moment where I call for someone who left 21 months ago. Shrug. Like I said, at least it’s few and far between these days.
A year. I’ve made it an entire year. While the day of my divorce may not be something to celebrate, me surviving an entire year is.
I was texting with a friend the other day and I told her: I’m really a glass half empty type person, yet I’m not with this one thing.
The one thing doesn’t matter in this moment. However, I’ve been thinking about this glass half empty thing. It is true, I am. I don’t believe I’ve ever said it and really thought about what it meant. Right now though, I’m really trying to be a glass half full person.
Is it possible to change such a big thing in your personality? I’m 31 years old. Isn’t my personality pretty set? Do I get a say in this?
Every day for say the past month, when I say something negative, or think something negative, I make myself come up with three good reasons for whatever it happened to be.
When I look at the leaves changing colors, my first thought is DAMMIT, I hate winter. WTF? It’s the beginning of fall. Hell it’s been in the 80′s for a solid week. I then force myself to think about fall. About the pumpkin everything I can make. About sweaters, jeans and new shoes waiting to be worn in my closet. About Sunday’s spent lounging in PJ’s watching football. Halloween and Thanksgiving and the Macy’s Day Parade which I adore.
When I have to pay a very large bill that I wasn’t planning on, my first thought is about how much freaking money that is. OMG think of all the things I could have used that money for. Dammit, I wanted to do this, that and whatever with that money. Then, in my re-thinking, I tell myself, hey I had the money. I didn’t have to pull it out of savings. I didn’t have to use a credit card. So YAY GO ME!
It’s hard, but I’ve been forcing myself to do this constantly. I’m tired of worrying all the time. I’m tired of thinking out the five worst case scenarios to everything that comes up. Really people, it’s exhausting to be a glass half empty type.
Yet, I’ve been that way my entire life and I’m not sure that I can change it. I’d like to think that somehow I can. Is it possible to change in this way? Can I learn to be a glass half full person? Do you think anyone can? Well your guess is as good as mine.
I will keep trying. One small thing at a time. I guess we’ll see if it’s possible.
The other day I was looking at posts from two years ago. Is it weird that I barely recognize myself from that time? I was a complete mess. I had good reason to be, there was a lot of stuff in my face that I had to deal with.
Here I sit though, two years later and I wish I could go back and tell myself that it’d all be okay. That’d I’d be okay. That I would make it to the other side of that hell that I found myself in. It’s not that September two years ago was all bad. There were some great moments. I met my best friend in Vegas for a girls weekend. My son turned one years old. But holy hell that was a hard time in my life.
September now is different. I am different. For the first time in years I feel in control of my own emotional well being. I haven’t had a panic attack in I don’t remember how long. While I may be dreading winter, I have faith that I will make it through winter in one piece. I can’t say that I never freak out at stupid shit, but hey, I’m a woman. It’s bound to happen from time to time. The difference? I don’t let it stop me from living. I don’t hide in bed anymore. I don’t stop talking to my best friends anymore. I’ve worked my ass off to get to this point.
I am loving fall. I love having my windows open and my AC off. I love shopping for fall clothes for myself and the kids. I love fall TV, watching football on Sunday’s and putting chili and cornbread back into my meal rotation. I love our schedule right now. I’m making some changes that will be big…hopefully.
It’s been a long two years. However, I’m proud of how far I’ve come in two years.
That was a line my daughter Bailey used to use as a toddler when she’d get sad at daycare. We’d ask her why she was sad at lunch, or nap time or whatever time period they’d written on her daily form. She always replied, your hugs wore off mama.
At the time it made my workaholic heart ache. The following year we moved here and before I knew it, she’d grown out of that phase. Occasionally she will call me from her dad’s house and say, I just need you mommy. It’s a different version of the same thing. She’s a mama’s girl and I get it, as I’m one myself. Sometimes a phone call works, sometimes a quick trip over there does the trick. Sometimes you just need a hug.
BlogHer was a month ago. It seems like yesterday, but it also seems like a lifetime ago. I was lucky. It was an entire week for me, with BH and then my BFF trip. A week of late night conversations. A week filled to the brim with laughter. A week of coffee dates and dinners out. A week filled with a shit load of hugs.
Driving to get myself coffee a bit ago to improve my day, I looked outside at the rainy 55 degree day (I know, wtf?) and realized that I could really use a friend hug right about now. I just don’t really have anyone here for that.
I think my hugs wore off.
All those amazing friend hugs, gone in one month. Dam I use those suckers up fast. When’s BlogHer12 again?
The longer I go without writing the easier it gets. At the same time, the longer I go without writing the more I miss it. It’s a weird thing. I don’t want to stop writing. For me, not writing means I’m not talking. That’s never a good thing for me. At the same time, I don’t know what to say.
Confused yet? That’s okay, I am too. Maybe I’ll try and tell you all what’s been going on. We’ll take it from there. I’ll get back to writing in this space soon. I need it. It may just take me a bit to find my sea legs again.
I haven’t been on Twitter in two days. I miss it. At the same time, I’ve gotten a shit load of stuff done this weekend. I’ve been to IKEA (finally) and The Container Store. I organized bathrooms and cleaned my house. I baked a cherry pie and threw out a ton of junk. I’ve read two books and finally managed to watch some of the shows sitting there mocking me on my DVR. All in all I’ve had a decent weekend.
I’ve made a giant decision that will change my life forever. I’m thrilled with it. It may just take me awhile to be willing to share. I will eventually. I promise. I’m just not there yet.
Harrison is fully potty trained. Unfortunately he finds peeing on trees to be way too fun. Last Friday he peed on a tree at daycare. Yeah. He’s such a boy. The funniest thing is that his dad had this HUGE talk with him about not doing that and then took him camping for three days…where he peed on more trees.
My tiny, yet not tiny boy is turning three this month. Something I can’t quite imagine. (Although he’s been telling people he was three since his cousin turned three in July.) How did he get to be three years old already? I am relinquishing control this year and letting his dad throw the party. All I have to do it show up. It’s weird, but it will work out just fine.
The girls started school a few weeks ago. They are both seriously loving their teachers this year. It always makes me laugh when they raise their hands to ask me something.
That’s what I know right now. I hope you are all doing well.
Yet, I don’t know that it matters. I’m talking about personal blogging. I have spent the last two years telling people that personal blogging isn’t dead. In the moment, I’m not even sure I believe it myself. Maybe it’s just my version of personal blogging that’s dead.
I’ve found in the last few months that I rarely have much to say. Or at least not much which I feel like I can talk about on here. At least not yet. I’m not saying I’m done with blogging, but I feel like I need to make it where I do it only when I want too.
My life has changed a lot in this past six months. However, as I’ve gotten more sure of myself and started feeling more emotionally secure, I don’t find that I have as much to say here. I don’t really need to use this space as therapy most of the time. On top of that, my daughters are too old for me to be sharing most of their lives online. My son isn’t there yet, but I know not many people care to hear about him all the time. At the present time, I don’t know what else I’ll write about.
I have been struggling with this site for a while. Do I leave it? Do I try and do something different with it? I’m not sure what the answer is. Memes are not the answer, this I know. I also know I need to stop feeling guilty if I don’t post. I know I need to get to where I only post when I want too.
I hear people say that Twitter killed personal blogging. Maybe it’s true. Maybe it’s not. I’ll tell you though, I’ve never felt more supported in my life than I have since meeting all the amazing people I met on Twitter.
Today I’m going to take down my BlogHer Ads. They’ve been here for awhile and while I adore BlogHer, I don’t need the pressure of ads on my site. It makes me check my stats after every post, which really is pressure I don’t need. Yes, it’s pressure only I am putting on myself, but it’s there. This is not about them, it’s about me.
I’m not done with blogging. This is not a goodbye. It’s just a post about my reality in this moment. I’ll still post when I want and I hope you guys will still read it when that happens. It just may be longer in-between posts.
I adore personal blogging and I hope it’s not dead. Maybe it’s just a bit dormant at the moment? I suppose only time will tell.
Is there a prize for that? For making it six weeks off of anti-depressants? There should be, although I’m not exactly sure what it could be. Maybe a nice pretty gift box of treats from Harry & David. WHAT? A girl can dream can’t she?
It’s weird, making it this far. I know six weeks isn’t far. However after four years, it seems like a big step in the right direction. I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that there were many times I wondered if I would make it this far. I wasn’t sure I’d make it a week, much less six. I’m not sure what will happen long term. I’m honestly not sure. However, I know I’ve made it this far.
A lot of people asked me why I did this. Why risk falling into a major depression? Why deal with side effects if you may have to go right back on it? Why now? I’m not sure I’m willing to answer that in the moment. I had my reasons and I’m not really ready to share them with the world. But I do promise you that I thought about this very carefully. I weighted all my options and made lists of pros and cons. Will I make it through winter? Hell if I know. It’s a goal though.
As you all well know, I’m an emotional person. High maintenance you could even call me. (Trust me, I’m aware.) I have problems with anxiety, depression and a very over active mind. I’ve had some really exhausting days in the past six weeks. Days where I let myself get too upset over nothing. I’ve had days where I’ve ended up weeping at night until I fall asleep. I’ve had a few days where I’ve been mildly depressed. I’ve been angry a few times. Really seriously angry. (Which is a new one for me. I’ve never really done angry.) Yet, I’ve managed it. I’ve made it through whatever was going on and gotten up the next day knowing it would be better.
I’ll tell you the weirdest thing. There was a day at BlogHer where I thought, fuck this, I can’t do this. I am falling apart. My anxiety was through the roof. Everything I ate made me sick. Every fiber of my being wanted to crawl into bed at 4pm on Friday. So I did the only thing I could think of in that moment. I called one of my best friends and talked to her about laundry. Literally for ten minutes I talked to her about cleaning clothes. I called her, because I knew I could bring up anything and she’d roll with it. I didn’t call my other two best friends, because I knew if I did, I’d fall apart. I could have fallen apart with her, but I also knew I could manage not too. So I talked about laundry and then I was able to continue on with my day. Because I heard her voice and she calmed me down without even knowing it. (Later I told her this and she did know, but like I said, she rolls with whatever.)
BlogHer was a hard one for me this year. Not because of the conference at all. Just because I was un-medicated. Plain and simple. I had no help for my social anxiety. It was a big test and I managed to make it through. Barely, but I did it.
Six weeks. I’ve made it six weeks. My goal in the moment? Is to make it six more. I have to be realistic. I am me and I know myself. If I think long term, I will psych myself out and call my doctor in a week. If I think more short term, it seems more manageable.
It’s been a weird, yet good six weeks. I think I can do this. I really believe I can.
Now….where’s my gift?? 
Last night was the final day of summer. It was also the first day of school for Morgan and Bailey. I am now the mother of fifth and second graders. I’m not sure exactly how that happened, but it did anyway.
Last night was one of those magical evenings. The kind that only seem to happen in the summer. 15 random family members and a few random friends all gathered at a Frozen yogurt place at dusk. Where I’d normally have been getting my kids ready for bed, I was letting them choose their own flavors and add toppings. We all sat outside on the curb and ate frozen yogurt and watched lightening in the distance. For and hour and a half, time stopped. For that hour and a half, it was still summer. Bedtimes didn’t matter, crazy toddlers doing break dancing on concrete didn’t matter. There was no homework to do or baths to take. No one was sad about the two going off to college the following morning. We all got lost in that moment. It was magical.
On the way home, the kids and I tried to list all the great things we did this summer. Movies we saw, trips we took, small fun activities that made it fun. It was a long list. They added things I’d forgotten I’d done. Having it given back to me in list form was neat. It made me realize that my goal of doing this summer right, happened. Even though I had to work all summer and the kids were in daycare/camp all summer, we still had a great summer. I made it happen.
We’ve been to the mountains twice. I painted the inside of my house. The kids have been camping in Wyoming and seen half of Chicago. We’ve bought cupcakes and made cupcakes on many occasions. We’ve been to the park late in the evening and been the only ones playing on swings. We’ve had movie dates and movie parties at the house. We’ve gone to cosmic bowling and black light mini golf. We’ve been to amusement parks and museums. I went to BlogHer and to LA for a BFF trip. I’ve cooked on the grill all summer and my house has been full of summer fruit and ice cream for months. For the first time in years, I hosted the 4th of July. We’ve had ice cream for dinner on more than one occasion and made breakfast for dinner a regular occurrence. We’ve played with glow in the dark sidewalk chalk and I’ve perfected cherry pie. This past weekend, we even went to our first Rockies Game.
This has been a great summer. I’ve had a good time and my kids have had an even better time. This may have been the best summer in years. So Fall? Bring it. We’re ready. Summer is in our bones. We’ve enjoyed every second and we’re ready for whatever’s next.
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