I saw this at Carmen’s place and thought it would be a good idea to try it out myself. I am now remembering why meme’s were invented. For times where you can’t say what you want to say.

The layers of me

layer one
name: Issa
birth date: April 20th, 1980
birthplace: Los Angeles
current location: Colorado
eye color: Blue-grey
hair color: Brown
height: 5’4″
righty or lefty: Right. Although because of a shoulder surgery on my right shoulder years ago, I can do a lot with my left hand.
zodiac sign: I’m on the cusp. Was born right after (like two hours) it changes to Taurus. I say, I’m a Taurus with Aries tendencies. Although, it could probably be said either way, depending on the day.

layer two
your heritage: Half Polish. Half Heinz 57. (My dad’s family escaped from Poland during the Holocaust. My mom’s family has been here since the 1600’s.)
the shoes you wore today: flip flops. Tevas.
your weakness: Coffee, chocolate, bread.
your fears: Ending up the crazy goldfish lady. Being alone. Loosing my kids. Pushing away my best friends, because I’m too much work.
your perfect pizza: Margarita NYC pizza. Dude. Yum.

layer three
your most overused phrase: Take your pick: Seriously. Awesome. Dude.
your first waking thoughts: Go back to sleep son. PLEASE.
your best physical feature: Eyes.
your favorite memory: Holding each of my babies for the first time.

layer four
pepsi or coke: Coke.
mcdonald’s or burger king: McDonald’s. Although we tend to go to Chipotle mostly. Or Panera.
single or group dates: meh
adidas or nike: I don’t care
lipton ice tea or nestea: Black unsweetened ice tea from Starbucks.
cappuccino or coffee: Whatever. Long as it comes from Starbucks.

layer five
smoke: No. Have been an asthmatic since birth.
cuss: Like a sailor, when I’m not with my kids. I have the ability to turn it on and off at will.
sing: In the car and to my kids at night.
do you think you’ve been in love: I believe so. I know I was.
want to go to college: No. I hated school. I went though.
liked high school: No.
want to get married: Again? Am unsure that I believe in it, in this moment.
believe in yourself: Some days. Am a work in progress.
get motion sickness: I get seasick. Like even on rides at Disney. A cruise looks fun, but I doubt I’ll ever really try to go on one.
think you’re attractive: Eh
think you’re a health freak: Hahahhahahaha. No.
get along with your parents: My mom. I get along with my dad…but I only show him a 5th of myself. My step-mother despises me. I rarely see them.
like thunderstorms: Yes. I adore them. As long as I’m not in the middle of one.
play an instrument: No. I used to play piano. From five to say fourteen years old. I want to learn again.

layer six
in the past month…
drank alcohol: No
smoked: no
done a drug: no
made out: No
gone on a date: No
gone to the mall: Yes. Too many times most likely.
eaten an entire box of oreos: In one sitting? Hell no. Have whole boxes been consumed in my house? Yes. Although, we are currently fans of Golden Oreos.
eaten sushi: No, which is sad. I’d like some. Right now.
been on stage: no

been dumped: no

gone skating: no

made homemade cookies: No, unless slice and bake ones count
gone skinny dipping: no
dyed your hair: no. I’m sure I should. But I’m too lazy.
stolen anything: I’ve actually never stolen a thing. Except meme’s. But I doubt that counts.
you sound boring: No, I sound like a parent. (This was Carmen’s answer…I’m gonna say DITTO.)

layer seven
ever…
played a game that required removal of clothing: yes.
if so, was it mixed company: yes.
been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yes
been caught “doing something”: yes
been called a tease: no
gotten beaten up: No.
shoplifted: no
changed who you were to fit in: Yes. Way too many times. Am trying to just be me now. But that can be hard. And lonely.

layer eight
age you hope to be married: meh
numbers and names of children: Morgan (8), Bailey (6), Harrison (Nearly 2)
describe your dream wedding: pass
how do you want to die: At 124 years old. In my sleep.
where do you want to go to college: I do not. I went though.
what do you want to be when you grow up: Heck if I know.
what country would you most like to visit: England.

layer nine
number of drugs taken illegally: none
number of people i could trust with my life: Shrug.
number of cds that i own: Oh sheesh, I don’t know. Way too many. I don’t buy them anymore, but I used to buy tons.
number of piercings: none. My ears actually mostly closed up.
number of tattoos: One.
number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: Twice.
number of scars on my body: Five. Three from shoulder surgery. One where I nearly sliced my finger off one time. One on my toe, from the last time I didn’t wear shoes while on a bike.
number of things in my past that i regret: Too many

This online world is strange. You meet people, you become friends with some of them and then the day comes where you realize that these are your people. That the names on a screen, the words on blog posts, the 140 character tweets have become real people to you.

The people who live in California, Oregon, Florida, Wisconsin, Washington State, Texas, Washington DC, New York, New Jersey…I could continue. These are your people. The women you count on. The women who listen, who make you feel heard. They support you. No matter what you tell them. They still support you, because somewhere in them, they understand; the emotion, if not the words. They make you laugh. They let you cry. Sometimes they make you cry. They accept you as you. Your people.

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We sit at lunch at a small sidewalk table. The city that never sleeps carries on around us. One on one, during a weekend filled with people. Honest. Real. Raw. It’s the moment that sticks in my head most from that weekend.

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I watch my cell phone. I wait for a text. This happens to me sometimes. When someone is hurting, I wait for texts like farmers wait for rain. It’s a need. Nothing is okay in that moment, until my phone chirps.

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I realize I’m cupping my hand. Have been doing it for over twenty minutes. It’s my attempt to hold her hand. 1300 miles away. I hope she feels it in some small way. Me here, holding onto her.

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Curled up in bed, two people in the bed next to me. We talk and laugh for over an hour after we all should have been asleep. Maybe two hours. Even though we feel like we are still on west coast time, our bodies aren’t used to this hour. The conversation is always worth the lack of sleep.

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I call her for the first time. Her voice sounds just how I thought it would. Because I know her. I’ve known her for months. We pick up our conversation like we’d been talking forever.

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I waited for her to get off the plane. We’d texted each other the night before, okay, I’m scared. It was almost funny, because how can you be nervous to meet someone who you talk to every single day? The second she got off the plane, I knew, this is all okay.

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Not a day has gone by. Not a day. In a year at least. Without at least one text or email or DM.

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I look at my desk calendar and smile. They both have one too. I purchased them at Christmas. Silly little desk calendar. I’ve never loved one more in my entire life.

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There was a day that I thought I’d just lay down and cease to exist. One of the harder days of this year. Doorbell. Flowers. For me. Just because. I still have the card. To brighten my day it said.

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I cry into the phone. Late at night. I cry into the phone to her. She lets me. Always. No matter what. She sits there and lets me cry in her ear until I’m done. Then? She changes the subject. Asks a question. Tells me about something silly her kids did. Tells me about her dessert. Something. Anything. Because she knows me. She knows I need that, almost as much as I needed to cry.

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An Italian restaurant. I was on vacation with my kids, but I made a point to take time to go meet her. Two hours of non stop talking. I felt like I’d known her forever. Even though it can go weeks between a tweet, I still consider her one of my people. It’s easy to pick up right where we left off, no matter how long it goes.

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One of us starts an email each morning. Generally just during the week. Four names. It pings back and forth all day. California. Colorado. Florida. Oregon.

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You realize that as hard as it can be to have none of them live near you, it’s still worth it every day, to have them in your life. No one said your people had to live on the same street as you. There doesn’t need to be a definition for it. It just is.

These are my people. This is why I do this. Because of my people.

We are playing some perverse game of musical beds in my house. It has to stop, I am just not sure how to stop it.
It started out all innocently. See, when Harrison was born, we had a scare in the hospital. Nothing big, but scary enough that I was a neurotic mess the night he came home from the hospital. When the choice came to put him in his crib, I hedged. The girls had always slept in their cribs. But that was a different time and I was a different me. So….I brought him to bed with me. Logan raised his eyebrows at me, but didn’t say a word. It just sort of worked. Harrison was a great sleeper as an infant.

Fast forward about nine months and he stopped being a pleasant bed baby. We transitioned him into sleeping in the crib. Which worked out okay. However? He’s not a great sleeper. At nearly two years old (Sigh. When did that happen?) he still wakes up and cries out for me a couple times a night. He’s lost his bink. He’s gotten caught up in his blankie in a way he doesn’t like. He…well whatever, he just doesn’t sleep through the night. Or he won’t and he screams, which isn’t pleasant for me or his sleeping sisters. However? In January when Logan moved out, I started going to get him when he woke up. Bringing him into bed with me. Partially because listening to him cry, made me weep. Partially because I already wasn’t sleeping, so what did it matter.

Also, Bailey has pretty much slept with me non-stop since January. I put her to bed in her bed. Most nights at least. However, as soon as I leave the room, she gets up, takes her blankies and goes and gets in my bed. Two or three hours later, when I go to bed, I’m not willing to move her, so I generally leave her.

I don’t mind her in my bed. She’s like the perfect sleep buddy. She rarely moves. She barely makes a peep. She’s cuddly. I do mind Harrison in my bed though. Yet, I don’t seem to be able to stop it.

Reality is, it’s hard to say no at 2am. I know he wants me. He knows he wants me. I am weak. It’s hard, this single parent gig. Some people do it non-stop. I don’t. We share custody. But still, there are three of them and one of me. at night, when I’m tired? I loose the will power to be strong.

I am also very, very tired. He’s rolly. He’s like a baby steam roller. He’s a blanket thief. I don’t even think I can explain to you what happens to the sheets. He’s insane. He’s a toddler blanket dictator. Bailey and I wake up shivering. He kicks too. Some mornings, I play, where are my children. It’s a fun game. Where fun equals weird.

This is a night/morning example from a few days ago: (I copied it out of a chat with Liz from last week.)
At midnight maybe, Bailey came into bed with me. At 1am Harrison woke up.

I brought him into bed with me. At 3am  I know Bailey got up and went to the bathroom, at 6:45am I woke up, I was alone. Went to see where my children all were, can only assume Bailey got tired of Harrison kicking and left. She was on the couch. Maybe Harrison went to sleep with Morgan for some ungodly reason, because that’s where he was. He Probably kicked her too many times she got up and slept in Bailey ’s bed? Is insane. No fucking wonder I am so tired today.

Yeah. That was a few days ago. Last night? I slept with the little two in my bed. I woke up on the edge, with Bailey basically huddled right next to me…probably for warmth, since Harrison had stolen all of the covers.

Is it a wonder that I’m tired all the freaking time? I should know how to do this. But I don’t. It’s hard to break a habit that I started. I never started it with the girls. The reason Bailey sleeps with me, is solely because she was just too sad when her dad and I separated and needed me. She may still, which is why I’m not willing to kick her out of my bed yet.

I feel bad that I’m okay with her in my bed, but not him.

He’s gotta go. I just don’t know how to be a hard ass at night. I’m great at it during the day. At night though? I’m a big ole wuss and he knows it.

Halp? Any ideas? Tell me I’m not alone. Please someone. Anyone?

I’ve always though that these things can tell you a lot about a person.

I see people do posts where they ask their readers questions. I always answer. Mostly because I love to answer questions. I used to buy all those silly teen magazines to fill out the multiple choice quiz’s. I am well known for coming up with random questions and making forcing begging bribing my best friends to answer them. Aren’t you glad I’m not your best friend? Never mind, you don’t need to answer that one.

Have I mentioned I have a problem?

Anyway, I thought I’d give it a try. Please play along if you’re willing. It doesn’t hurt, there are no wrong answers and you won’t be graded. I just sorta want to get to know my readers a bit more.

1. How do you take your coffee?
2. Are you pro or against Blue Cheese?
3. What is your absolute favorite blog to read? Also what is your guilty blog? The one you don’t want to tell me that you adore and read without telling anyone?
4. What would be your perfect meal?
5. If you could vacation anywhere, money was no option, where would you go?
6. Last movie you saw in a theater?
7. What’s a baby name that you have never used and may never use but always wished you could?
8. Favorite flavor of Ben and Jerry’s Ice cream?
9. Last book you read that doesn’t have pictures?
10. How many siblings do you have? Do you get along with them?
11. What is one random thing about you, that I may not know?

I’ve always loved reading. I was reading at four years old. I learned by memorizing words. My mother claims I just got tired of her saying, yes, I’ll read to you in a bit. I absorbed the words. I ate them for breakfast, lunch and dinner and everything in between. I’ve always had a great imagination and reading took me to new worlds. It helped me escape. I was safe, in the pages of a great book. reading was like air. I needed it to live. I’d read anything. Truly. Anything.

When I’d get in trouble, my mom would take away my current book. She knew it made more of an impact then removing my TV, friends or video game privileges. She was a very wise and super mean woman. ha. I do the same thing to Morgan. Well that and her prized possession, the iTouch. I am lucky that all three of my kids adore books.

One of the things that I’ve lost in the past eight years is reading. It’s just the thing that dwindled away until it’s no longer existent. I read to my kids all the time. I read blogs. I read Twitter streams. I read the back of the shampoo bottle as I bathe Harrison. But somewhere along the way, I lost reading books.

I’ve tried many times to get back into it. I’ve joined book clubs, online and off. I’ve bought books that I never read, because I forget to take them some places. I sit in doctors offices, in the carpool lane, in the Starbucks and read my Twitter stream or emails, because I never remember to have a book with me. I’ve probably averaged a book or two a year since having kids. I used to read that many in a single week. Sometimes more.

For my birthday, I received a Kindle. A gift from someone amazing. Something so unexpected and wonderful that four days later, I still have no words.

What I do know is that I’m in LOVE WITH IT. Ahem. It’s shiny and pretty and so amazing. I’d always wanted one. The best thing is? I can take it everywhere with me. It easily fits in my purse.

It took me an hour the first night to come up with a single author that I liked, to see if they had a new book. An hour. An entire hour.

Right now? I need something to be for just me and I think this is it. I’m struggling right now. A lot. I need something to take my mind off of my life and Twitter just isn’t cutting it these days. I spend way too much time alone.

I need help. I need book suggestions badly. So tell me, what is your absolute favorite book of all time? Your current favorite book? The last book you read? If it’s from years ago, it’s okay, I’m likely to not have read it.

I don’t like romance novels and I’m not into vampires, but all suggestions are welcome.