This morning I woke up in the bed that my son is now calling my “welly tall tall bed”. It is taller, courtesy of a new 4 inch memory foam topper and my bed feels brand new. I love brand new. After a week elsewhere, I can’t begin to tell you how nice it was to wake up in my bed, nestled next to two very leggy individuals.
This morning I woke up to my alarm. I took a shower, fed and clothed my children, made lunches and tried not to yell at my daughter who couldn’t find the shoes that were six inches from her person. Welcome home right?
This morning I stepped on Lego’s at my house, instead of the ones at her house. I’d say it’s sad, but it’s not really. Will I in a week or two miss her and wish I was there? Yes. For a bit, yes. But I’ve come to the place that I’m glad to be here. On Saturday the lady at Trader Joe’s, upon hearing that I was from California, asked me if I would move back at some point. My honest answer was probably not. This is my home now.
This morning I was actually on time to work. It’d of been more impressive if I hadn’t logged on to see that my boss is out of town for a few days. If you are on time to work but no one notices, does it even count?
On my phone are photos. Beautiful photos. Photos of family. Photos of friends who feel like family. Good cake. Photos of my favorite beach. When I miss it, I will look at these photos. At some point when that isn’t enough…well I’ll plan another trip. 
Three months of tax season and barely posting has left me kind of timid online. I don’t know what to share, what to keep to myself. I’m not sure if the story my friend told me the other day about her lesbian boss is funny just to me, or if it would be funny to you all as well. (The, I went to church to find Jesus, but I found Anita instead part was funny.) I’ll get there you know?
Or at least I think I will. At times I consider being done with this blogging thing. Walking away. As hard as I’ve fought it, I’m not sure personal blogs have a place anymore. Twitter and Facebook are the norm. We all share there. Me included. Blogging about paid events, paid writing, paid stuff is the way it is now. Honestly, I’m not against any of that. It’s just not how or why I’ve done this for so many years. I am, at times, unsure why I still do this.
Maybe that’s the exhaustion talking. I’m exhausted people. I’m exhausted from living my work life at warp speed for 3.5 months. I’m exhausted from not sleeping for the past week. Nerve pain in my foot is keeping me up for hours and hours each night. My parents and aunt and uncle are here this week and that is fun, yet tiring. Trying to reclaim my house and life after so long, is a long process.
I’m not saying I’m shutting down, so don’t feel like you have to say anything about it. I just came here to talk. To let some things out. This is where I am. Unsure what comes next. Unsure why I’m still doing this. When I started Morgan had just turned four. Everything she said and did was fair game. Now, she’s ten. It’s just not the same. Well that and my ex would rather me never talk about any of them online. Ahem.
Anyway…in other news, my best friend is a super sneak. (See post below.) I adore her for that and a zillion other reasons. I was actually shocked. Not much shocks me these days, but that did. So she wins. I had a really, really good birthday, which I wasn’t expecting since the previous two had been spent on vacation. How does one compare to that? Well you can’t, yet I still had a great day.
Bailey FINALLY lost her first tooth. I didn’t do the tooth fairy. Sorry…that is the one thing I just never understood. Walk into my childs room and root around under her head while she’s SLEEPING, on PURPOSE? Are you INSANE? Maybe had Bailey been born first, I’d of done this. But Morgan was first and the thought of waking her up on accident still scares me to this day, so no thank you. However my girl is very happy to no longer be the only KID IN THE WHOLE WORLD MAMA who hadn’t lost a tooth at seven.
After much deliberation (on Facebook, Twitter, with my mom and aunt and asking pretty much everyone I know) I decided that Morgan DID need to go to health class this week. You know, learn about sex and stuff health class? Yeah. That’s what she’s doing this week. Yay her! She asked me to write her a note to get out of it. I was willing because she’s so uncomfortable with the whole subject and I know she wouldn’t ask for anything else, but then I heard she’d of been the only kid out of it and I told her she had to suck it up and deal. Well it’s more complicated than that, but you get my drift. Morgan, for those who don’t know, skipped kindergarten. She is a year ahead. Which is fine in almost every sense of it. It’s just that she’s honestly not ready for this. I told her to draw when she gets to uncomfortable and we’d talk about it each night. Best I can do.
Harrison is very, very three. He’s so awesome and so very tiring.
I’m going on vacation next week. Half a week with family, half a week with friends. It should be very fun. Kinda wishing I was there right now. But it will come.
Over the weekend I read Bloom by Kelle Hampton. Good grief I cried a lot. It’s a very touching, sweet book. An easy read. I cried through um….the whole thing? It was good.
That’s all I know.
- You are a generous friend.
- You not only love your children, you LIKE them. And respect them.
- You do the right thing. Even when the right thing is the hardest option.
- You never hesitate to apologize when you suspect you messed up.
- You appreciate good bread as it deserves to be appreciated. As a fellow carb lover, this makes me smile.
- You are the strong half of the most functional and caring post-divorce/co-parent partnership that I’ve ever seen.
- You take time to stop and smell the flowers. (Or at least snap a picture of them for Instagram.)
- You respect the value of a drive-thru dinner plan.
- You are teaching yourself to cook, and being fearless about it.
- You encourage others without sugar-coating everything.
- You take advice. And give it, but (mostly) only when requested.
- You love chocolate and red jelly beans.
- You know how to enjoy being a parent.
- You allow yourself to dream big dreams for the future and little dreams for tomorrow.
- You make lists and check things off.
- You don’t stop moving forward.
- You love to read, and have passed that on to your children.
- You are always willing to (online) window shop with me.
- You let me boss you around. Sometimes.
- You are not afraid to look behind you and see how far you have come.
- You say what you think, and even if you change your mind later, you still own your words.
- You send flowers to people you love. Not enough people send flowers.
- You don’t get mad at me when I talk about Trader Joe’s.
- You are stubborn.
- You appreciate a good sense of humor.
- You feel the pull of the ocean just like I do.
- You are fiercely protective of your children.
- You tell me not to buy the shoes with high heels. You are right.
- You see those around you for who they are, not who you want them to be.
- You let me be grumpy with you when I’m grumpy.
- You are patient and kind.
- You are crazy. And you know it.
Happy birthday dear.
but I still want to attempt to write. Leaving what I wrote on Monday up at the top will stop me from writing if I leave it there too long. Words have power, even posts with few words.
I won’t lie…yesterday was one majorly harsh day. I won’t even try to tell you all the crazy stuff I thought. Let’s just say, yesterday I blamed myself. Yesterday, I walllowed all day. I cried for most of the day. I moped. I ate only cookies. I grieved for what never was.
Yesterday she told me that tomorrow would be better. That the day after that will be a bit better and the day after that. I believe her even when I don’t feel it, because after nearly three years as friends, I know she’s almost always right.
Today? Well I’m still sad, but I’m okay. I’m going to make today a better day. Today I will look at the mini roses my step-dad sent me yesterday and know that spring will come. I will think about the place I’ll plant them in my garden. I’ll remind myself that April will be here before I know it and I can try again. Today I will re-read all of your sweet comments and hold onto your belief that I will get there. You guys believing in me at a time where I’m struggling to believe helps me more than I can say.
Today I am okay.
Please note that I stole this idea from Jodifur. Hey, at least I ask before I steal post ideas.
It’s come to my attention that the remainder of this year is going to be COMPLETELY INSANE, so I believe it’s time to post and call an end to my posting for 2011. I promise I’ll be back in January. Hopefully with some changes around here. Anyway, before I show you my favorite posts of this year, I thought I’d wish you all a wonderful holiday. Whether that is Chanukah, Christmas, Winter Solstice, Kwansa or just New Years, I hope you enjoy it. Whatever you celebrate, I wish you health and happiness for the remainder of this year.
In January, I made a goal to remember the good in this year. To count my blessings and try not to be such a pessimist. It’s a goal, I’m happy to say that I’ve managed to accomplish over time.
In February, I found out that I have PCOS. It’s changed my life in many ways and I’ll be honest, it’s not all bad. It’s nice to know that certain medical things in my past had reasons. It’s made me less hard on myself. I also love this post about enjoying the small things in my kids lives. Days go so fast and some days, I do wish for a second Sunday.
While writing this post on my step-mom was hard in March, it also led me back to therapy to deal with a few things that I thought I’d let go of. It’s nice to say now, that I have let go of a few issues. It’s helped make this a better year for me. I’ll never forget things that happened when I was a kid, however I don’t have to let it color my world any longer.
April brought my 500th post, which I chose to write for my best friend Liz. I love her even more now than I did then, so I’m glad I gave her that milestone post. April also came with big decisions about the brother I’ll probably never know. I am confident in my decision. Finally, there was the list I made to insure the kids and I had a great summer. I am thrilled to say, I managed to accomplish my goals.
In May, I head great news about Morgan’s future in fifth grade. I have to say, she’s had a phenomenal school year. Her teacher is amazing. We owe her so much. Luckily, because my kids go to a charter school, Morgan will have her next year as well! I also told you all about my lunch date with my dad.
Parenting isn’t always easy, as I realized yet again in June. Making the hard choices is something I am willing to do though. A part of June, I’d rather forget but never will is when the evil clown ate my blog. I’m still thankful to Jenna for fixing it. Also in a funnier post, I shared some text messages I get. Even now, they crack me up.
In July, I got off my anti-depressants after four years. There have been times when I wondered if I could stay off of them. But we’re halfway through December and I can honestly say, I’m doing great right now. On the 18th, my Bailey turned seven. She is one of my very favorite people in this world.
On a random day in August, I wrote about my step-dad for no real reason. Just because I love him. I also went to BH11 and my BFF trip. It was one of the greatest weeks in my year.
September was a harder month for me. I’d rather not re-visit it, except for this one tiny thing. My baby boy turned three. He’s so very three and I adore him for it. Most of the time.
In October I celebrated making it through the first year of divorce. A strange thing to celebrate, yes maybe. However, in my quest to change how I think, I had to look at the bad, to remember the good.
In November, I did quite a few things that scare me. It was a hard month emotionally, but luckily I came out okay on the other side.
December has been very busy. I’m loving ever second of it. For the first time in a long time, I’m truly happy. My baby girl turned ten and had an amazing party. I’m looking forward to everything that we have planned for the next two weeks.
My wish for all of you is a wonderful next few weeks. I’ll see you in 2012.
Love, Issa
So cute. I wanna squish her. But not in a Of Mice and Men kinda way.
Yes. Next is food marriage.
She looks like half a pup. Papa says she looks like a military dog. She’s Lil Gibbs now.
That is the mark of a truly great vacation. Insanely irrational children.
I was just sent to my room. With a sandwich. I was having a tantrum.
It looks like Sanford and Sons out there.
I just told the lady taking my blood that I was 4 ft, 5 in.
My dog is a Kermie killer.
Getting my cable service changed. If you don’t hear from me in an hour, it’s because this creepy dude killed and dismembered me.
That would be tragic. If it happens though, can I have your sarcasm?
I’m already home. I followed a police caravan going really fast.
God I wish we lived closer. We could force our children to be friends.
Yep. At least it’s not the Mexican Traveling Circus.
Yes. Like a nasty evil not so fairy godmother.
I suppose I should get this donut show on the road.
My head hurts so bad I just want to go to bed. Instead? I’m sitting here arguing with children about how spaghetti sauce won’t kill them. This is their point. Death by sauce. Seriously.
You have to hit the TNT.
Feels weird to be here without you.
I should have included that in the BFF contract. I want to be there.
When I come there I am bringing glitter crafts and Play-Doh.
To Jenna’s right? Because I’d hate to not let you in.
I am going to hollow out books to smuggle them the Play-Doh and Glitter.
Sushi = bait. Me no likey.
That was a line my daughter Bailey used to use as a toddler when she’d get sad at daycare. We’d ask her why she was sad at lunch, or nap time or whatever time period they’d written on her daily form. She always replied, your hugs wore off mama.
At the time it made my workaholic heart ache. The following year we moved here and before I knew it, she’d grown out of that phase. Occasionally she will call me from her dad’s house and say, I just need you mommy. It’s a different version of the same thing. She’s a mama’s girl and I get it, as I’m one myself. Sometimes a phone call works, sometimes a quick trip over there does the trick. Sometimes you just need a hug.
BlogHer was a month ago. It seems like yesterday, but it also seems like a lifetime ago. I was lucky. It was an entire week for me, with BH and then my BFF trip. A week of late night conversations. A week filled to the brim with laughter. A week of coffee dates and dinners out. A week filled with a shit load of hugs.
Driving to get myself coffee a bit ago to improve my day, I looked outside at the rainy 55 degree day (I know, wtf?) and realized that I could really use a friend hug right about now. I just don’t really have anyone here for that.
I think my hugs wore off.
All those amazing friend hugs, gone in one month. Dam I use those suckers up fast. When’s BlogHer12 again?
Is there a prize for that? For making it six weeks off of anti-depressants? There should be, although I’m not exactly sure what it could be. Maybe a nice pretty gift box of treats from Harry & David. WHAT? A girl can dream can’t she?
It’s weird, making it this far. I know six weeks isn’t far. However after four years, it seems like a big step in the right direction. I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that there were many times I wondered if I would make it this far. I wasn’t sure I’d make it a week, much less six. I’m not sure what will happen long term. I’m honestly not sure. However, I know I’ve made it this far.
A lot of people asked me why I did this. Why risk falling into a major depression? Why deal with side effects if you may have to go right back on it? Why now? I’m not sure I’m willing to answer that in the moment. I had my reasons and I’m not really ready to share them with the world. But I do promise you that I thought about this very carefully. I weighted all my options and made lists of pros and cons. Will I make it through winter? Hell if I know. It’s a goal though.
As you all well know, I’m an emotional person. High maintenance you could even call me. (Trust me, I’m aware.) I have problems with anxiety, depression and a very over active mind. I’ve had some really exhausting days in the past six weeks. Days where I let myself get too upset over nothing. I’ve had days where I’ve ended up weeping at night until I fall asleep. I’ve had a few days where I’ve been mildly depressed. I’ve been angry a few times. Really seriously angry. (Which is a new one for me. I’ve never really done angry.) Yet, I’ve managed it. I’ve made it through whatever was going on and gotten up the next day knowing it would be better.
I’ll tell you the weirdest thing. There was a day at BlogHer where I thought, fuck this, I can’t do this. I am falling apart. My anxiety was through the roof. Everything I ate made me sick. Every fiber of my being wanted to crawl into bed at 4pm on Friday. So I did the only thing I could think of in that moment. I called one of my best friends and talked to her about laundry. Literally for ten minutes I talked to her about cleaning clothes. I called her, because I knew I could bring up anything and she’d roll with it. I didn’t call my other two best friends, because I knew if I did, I’d fall apart. I could have fallen apart with her, but I also knew I could manage not too. So I talked about laundry and then I was able to continue on with my day. Because I heard her voice and she calmed me down without even knowing it. (Later I told her this and she did know, but like I said, she rolls with whatever.)
BlogHer was a hard one for me this year. Not because of the conference at all. Just because I was un-medicated. Plain and simple. I had no help for my social anxiety. It was a big test and I managed to make it through. Barely, but I did it.
Six weeks. I’ve made it six weeks. My goal in the moment? Is to make it six more. I have to be realistic. I am me and I know myself. If I think long term, I will psych myself out and call my doctor in a week. If I think more short term, it seems more manageable.
It’s been a weird, yet good six weeks. I think I can do this. I really believe I can.
Now….where’s my gift??
Last night was the final day of summer. It was also the first day of school for Morgan and Bailey. I am now the mother of fifth and second graders. I’m not sure exactly how that happened, but it did anyway.
Last night was one of those magical evenings. The kind that only seem to happen in the summer. 15 random family members and a few random friends all gathered at a Frozen yogurt place at dusk. Where I’d normally have been getting my kids ready for bed, I was letting them choose their own flavors and add toppings. We all sat outside on the curb and ate frozen yogurt and watched lightening in the distance. For and hour and a half, time stopped. For that hour and a half, it was still summer. Bedtimes didn’t matter, crazy toddlers doing break dancing on concrete didn’t matter. There was no homework to do or baths to take. No one was sad about the two going off to college the following morning. We all got lost in that moment. It was magical.
On the way home, the kids and I tried to list all the great things we did this summer. Movies we saw, trips we took, small fun activities that made it fun. It was a long list. They added things I’d forgotten I’d done. Having it given back to me in list form was neat. It made me realize that my goal of doing this summer right, happened. Even though I had to work all summer and the kids were in daycare/camp all summer, we still had a great summer. I made it happen.
We’ve been to the mountains twice. I painted the inside of my house. The kids have been camping in Wyoming and seen half of Chicago. We’ve bought cupcakes and made cupcakes on many occasions. We’ve been to the park late in the evening and been the only ones playing on swings. We’ve had movie dates and movie parties at the house. We’ve gone to cosmic bowling and black light mini golf. We’ve been to amusement parks and museums. I went to BlogHer and to LA for a BFF trip. I’ve cooked on the grill all summer and my house has been full of summer fruit and ice cream for months. For the first time in years, I hosted the 4th of July. We’ve had ice cream for dinner on more than one occasion and made breakfast for dinner a regular occurrence. We’ve played with glow in the dark sidewalk chalk and I’ve perfected cherry pie. This past weekend, we even went to our first Rockies Game.
This has been a great summer. I’ve had a good time and my kids have had an even better time. This may have been the best summer in years. So Fall? Bring it. We’re ready. Summer is in our bones. We’ve enjoyed every second and we’re ready for whatever’s next.
Maybe a month ago, I saw a post that Chris did on her out of context text messages. Sometimes the best part of my day is reading back the texts that my best friends and I sent each other that day. I thought I’d share some. These are all randomly picked from the past month.
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Yep. She’s an itty bitty.
PSA: Nyquil is strong. One shouldn’t take it and then not go to bed. Unless one likes walking into door jams.
Ice cream requires no cooking or cleaning.
That is called attitude diva four. Welcome to my life
I just mopped my kitchen. Mostly because bubs peed everywhere. I just said, uh bud, you have to tell me before you pee, not after. He goes: otay mama, i do dat next time. Snort.
McD’s and DQ. I win at dinner.
No joke a monkey just got hit, fell, bounced on one of those little life rafts and ended back up where he was before.
I just made hot dogs on the grill. Heh. I’m awesome. I’m impressed I could turn the dam thing on.
The Dollar Store is a strange and terrifying place.
I fought a bed frame and the bed frame won.
Yes. But a very nice guy pushed the car into the gas station. I mean, I got dam close.
Am going to plant now. Wish me no child killing luck.
Yes. You need those bad boys sharpened.
Kittens are bad for motivation.
So it’s Holy Crabs??
Nachos. Want. The end.
I am a very wise woman. Knowledgeable. All that.
I may be a wee bit drunk.
I’m at Walmart. And I’m dressed like I belong here. I am ashamed.
Oh mad chillin for days.
He’s a handful. Like triplets.
You iz special.
On the: Issa’s trip to Lu’s floor of LA tour?
FYI: I have tiny fingers.
I’m super excited to get my sparkle back.
All four of us together? Epic.
H: Mama, I bery sad. Me: Why my bud? H: My poly-poly dies. Me: Oh yeah. How’d that happen. H: I step on him.
I’ve been asking A what she wants to eat for dinner. Her response at least 3 times now? I want to eat Dora. Either I’m raising a cannibal or a lesbian.
Girl still needs Etsy Anonymous.
Dude. I want to marry my artichoke dip. I wonder what our babies would look like?
You may be the least hate-able person in the entire world.
For some reason these children still expect me to do things like feed them. Water them. Somerthing.
Delivery Preschool. That’d rock.
But everyone needs a large pink blow up shark, right??
This last one was an email from my mother: “Melissa Annie, what are the exact numbers when one says they require a “butt shit-load” of photographs. This is not a number either P or I are familiar with. Please advise. Love, mama”
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