Please note that I stole this idea from Jodifur. Hey, at least I ask before I steal post ideas.
It’s come to my attention that the remainder of this year is going to be COMPLETELY INSANE, so I believe it’s time to post and call an end to my posting for 2011. I promise I’ll be back in January. Hopefully with some changes around here. Anyway, before I show you my favorite posts of this year, I thought I’d wish you all a wonderful holiday. Whether that is Chanukah, Christmas, Winter Solstice, Kwansa or just New Years, I hope you enjoy it. Whatever you celebrate, I wish you health and happiness for the remainder of this year.
In January, I made a goal to remember the good in this year. To count my blessings and try not to be such a pessimist. It’s a goal, I’m happy to say that I’ve managed to accomplish over time.
In February, I found out that I have PCOS. It’s changed my life in many ways and I’ll be honest, it’s not all bad. It’s nice to know that certain medical things in my past had reasons. It’s made me less hard on myself. I also love this post about enjoying the small things in my kids lives. Days go so fast and some days, I do wish for a second Sunday.
While writing this post on my step-mom was hard in March, it also led me back to therapy to deal with a few things that I thought I’d let go of. It’s nice to say now, that I have let go of a few issues. It’s helped make this a better year for me. I’ll never forget things that happened when I was a kid, however I don’t have to let it color my world any longer.
April brought my 500th post, which I chose to write for my best friend Liz. I love her even more now than I did then, so I’m glad I gave her that milestone post. April also came with big decisions about the brother I’ll probably never know. I am confident in my decision. Finally, there was the list I made to insure the kids and I had a great summer. I am thrilled to say, I managed to accomplish my goals.
In May, I head great news about Morgan’s future in fifth grade. I have to say, she’s had a phenomenal school year. Her teacher is amazing. We owe her so much. Luckily, because my kids go to a charter school, Morgan will have her next year as well! I also told you all about my lunch date with my dad.
Parenting isn’t always easy, as I realized yet again in June. Making the hard choices is something I am willing to do though. A part of June, I’d rather forget but never will is when the evil clown ate my blog. I’m still thankful to Jenna for fixing it. Also in a funnier post, I shared some text messages I get. Even now, they crack me up.
In July, I got off my anti-depressants after four years. There have been times when I wondered if I could stay off of them. But we’re halfway through December and I can honestly say, I’m doing great right now. On the 18th, my Bailey turned seven. She is one of my very favorite people in this world.
On a random day in August, I wrote about my step-dad for no real reason. Just because I love him. I also went to BH11 and my BFF trip. It was one of the greatest weeks in my year.
September was a harder month for me. I’d rather not re-visit it, except for this one tiny thing. My baby boy turned three. He’s so very three and I adore him for it. Most of the time.
In October I celebrated making it through the first year of divorce. A strange thing to celebrate, yes maybe. However, in my quest to change how I think, I had to look at the bad, to remember the good.
In November, I did quite a few things that scare me. It was a hard month emotionally, but luckily I came out okay on the other side.
December has been very busy. I’m loving ever second of it. For the first time in a long time, I’m truly happy. My baby girl turned ten and had an amazing party. I’m looking forward to everything that we have planned for the next two weeks.
My wish for all of you is a wonderful next few weeks. I’ll see you in 2012.
Love, Issa
So cute. I wanna squish her. But not in a Of Mice and Men kinda way.
Yes. Next is food marriage.
She looks like half a pup. Papa says she looks like a military dog. She’s Lil Gibbs now.
That is the mark of a truly great vacation. Insanely irrational children.
I was just sent to my room. With a sandwich. I was having a tantrum.
It looks like Sanford and Sons out there.
I just told the lady taking my blood that I was 4 ft, 5 in.
My dog is a Kermie killer.
Getting my cable service changed. If you don’t hear from me in an hour, it’s because this creepy dude killed and dismembered me.
That would be tragic. If it happens though, can I have your sarcasm?
I’m already home. I followed a police caravan going really fast.
God I wish we lived closer. We could force our children to be friends.
Yep. At least it’s not the Mexican Traveling Circus.
Yes. Like a nasty evil not so fairy godmother.
I suppose I should get this donut show on the road.
My head hurts so bad I just want to go to bed. Instead? I’m sitting here arguing with children about how spaghetti sauce won’t kill them. This is their point. Death by sauce. Seriously.
You have to hit the TNT.
Feels weird to be here without you.
I should have included that in the BFF contract. I want to be there.
When I come there I am bringing glitter crafts and Play-Doh.
To Jenna’s right? Because I’d hate to not let you in.
I am going to hollow out books to smuggle them the Play-Doh and Glitter.
Sushi = bait. Me no likey.
That was a line my daughter Bailey used to use as a toddler when she’d get sad at daycare. We’d ask her why she was sad at lunch, or nap time or whatever time period they’d written on her daily form. She always replied, your hugs wore off mama.
At the time it made my workaholic heart ache. The following year we moved here and before I knew it, she’d grown out of that phase. Occasionally she will call me from her dad’s house and say, I just need you mommy. It’s a different version of the same thing. She’s a mama’s girl and I get it, as I’m one myself. Sometimes a phone call works, sometimes a quick trip over there does the trick. Sometimes you just need a hug.
BlogHer was a month ago. It seems like yesterday, but it also seems like a lifetime ago. I was lucky. It was an entire week for me, with BH and then my BFF trip. A week of late night conversations. A week filled to the brim with laughter. A week of coffee dates and dinners out. A week filled with a shit load of hugs.
Driving to get myself coffee a bit ago to improve my day, I looked outside at the rainy 55 degree day (I know, wtf?) and realized that I could really use a friend hug right about now. I just don’t really have anyone here for that.
I think my hugs wore off.
All those amazing friend hugs, gone in one month. Dam I use those suckers up fast. When’s BlogHer12 again?
Is there a prize for that? For making it six weeks off of anti-depressants? There should be, although I’m not exactly sure what it could be. Maybe a nice pretty gift box of treats from Harry & David. WHAT? A girl can dream can’t she?
It’s weird, making it this far. I know six weeks isn’t far. However after four years, it seems like a big step in the right direction. I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that there were many times I wondered if I would make it this far. I wasn’t sure I’d make it a week, much less six. I’m not sure what will happen long term. I’m honestly not sure. However, I know I’ve made it this far.
A lot of people asked me why I did this. Why risk falling into a major depression? Why deal with side effects if you may have to go right back on it? Why now? I’m not sure I’m willing to answer that in the moment. I had my reasons and I’m not really ready to share them with the world. But I do promise you that I thought about this very carefully. I weighted all my options and made lists of pros and cons. Will I make it through winter? Hell if I know. It’s a goal though.
As you all well know, I’m an emotional person. High maintenance you could even call me. (Trust me, I’m aware.) I have problems with anxiety, depression and a very over active mind. I’ve had some really exhausting days in the past six weeks. Days where I let myself get too upset over nothing. I’ve had days where I’ve ended up weeping at night until I fall asleep. I’ve had a few days where I’ve been mildly depressed. I’ve been angry a few times. Really seriously angry. (Which is a new one for me. I’ve never really done angry.) Yet, I’ve managed it. I’ve made it through whatever was going on and gotten up the next day knowing it would be better.
I’ll tell you the weirdest thing. There was a day at BlogHer where I thought, fuck this, I can’t do this. I am falling apart. My anxiety was through the roof. Everything I ate made me sick. Every fiber of my being wanted to crawl into bed at 4pm on Friday. So I did the only thing I could think of in that moment. I called one of my best friends and talked to her about laundry. Literally for ten minutes I talked to her about cleaning clothes. I called her, because I knew I could bring up anything and she’d roll with it. I didn’t call my other two best friends, because I knew if I did, I’d fall apart. I could have fallen apart with her, but I also knew I could manage not too. So I talked about laundry and then I was able to continue on with my day. Because I heard her voice and she calmed me down without even knowing it. (Later I told her this and she did know, but like I said, she rolls with whatever.)
BlogHer was a hard one for me this year. Not because of the conference at all. Just because I was un-medicated. Plain and simple. I had no help for my social anxiety. It was a big test and I managed to make it through. Barely, but I did it.
Six weeks. I’ve made it six weeks. My goal in the moment? Is to make it six more. I have to be realistic. I am me and I know myself. If I think long term, I will psych myself out and call my doctor in a week. If I think more short term, it seems more manageable.
It’s been a weird, yet good six weeks. I think I can do this. I really believe I can.
Now….where’s my gift?? 
Last night was the final day of summer. It was also the first day of school for Morgan and Bailey. I am now the mother of fifth and second graders. I’m not sure exactly how that happened, but it did anyway.
Last night was one of those magical evenings. The kind that only seem to happen in the summer. 15 random family members and a few random friends all gathered at a Frozen yogurt place at dusk. Where I’d normally have been getting my kids ready for bed, I was letting them choose their own flavors and add toppings. We all sat outside on the curb and ate frozen yogurt and watched lightening in the distance. For and hour and a half, time stopped. For that hour and a half, it was still summer. Bedtimes didn’t matter, crazy toddlers doing break dancing on concrete didn’t matter. There was no homework to do or baths to take. No one was sad about the two going off to college the following morning. We all got lost in that moment. It was magical.
On the way home, the kids and I tried to list all the great things we did this summer. Movies we saw, trips we took, small fun activities that made it fun. It was a long list. They added things I’d forgotten I’d done. Having it given back to me in list form was neat. It made me realize that my goal of doing this summer right, happened. Even though I had to work all summer and the kids were in daycare/camp all summer, we still had a great summer. I made it happen.
We’ve been to the mountains twice. I painted the inside of my house. The kids have been camping in Wyoming and seen half of Chicago. We’ve bought cupcakes and made cupcakes on many occasions. We’ve been to the park late in the evening and been the only ones playing on swings. We’ve had movie dates and movie parties at the house. We’ve gone to cosmic bowling and black light mini golf. We’ve been to amusement parks and museums. I went to BlogHer and to LA for a BFF trip. I’ve cooked on the grill all summer and my house has been full of summer fruit and ice cream for months. For the first time in years, I hosted the 4th of July. We’ve had ice cream for dinner on more than one occasion and made breakfast for dinner a regular occurrence. We’ve played with glow in the dark sidewalk chalk and I’ve perfected cherry pie. This past weekend, we even went to our first Rockies Game.
This has been a great summer. I’ve had a good time and my kids have had an even better time. This may have been the best summer in years. So Fall? Bring it. We’re ready. Summer is in our bones. We’ve enjoyed every second and we’re ready for whatever’s next.
Maybe a month ago, I saw a post that Chris did on her out of context text messages. Sometimes the best part of my day is reading back the texts that my best friends and I sent each other that day. I thought I’d share some. These are all randomly picked from the past month.
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Yep. She’s an itty bitty.
PSA: Nyquil is strong. One shouldn’t take it and then not go to bed. Unless one likes walking into door jams.
Ice cream requires no cooking or cleaning.
That is called attitude diva four. Welcome to my life
I just mopped my kitchen. Mostly because bubs peed everywhere. I just said, uh bud, you have to tell me before you pee, not after. He goes: otay mama, i do dat next time. Snort.
McD’s and DQ. I win at dinner.
No joke a monkey just got hit, fell, bounced on one of those little life rafts and ended back up where he was before.
I just made hot dogs on the grill. Heh. I’m awesome. I’m impressed I could turn the dam thing on.
The Dollar Store is a strange and terrifying place.
I fought a bed frame and the bed frame won.
Yes. But a very nice guy pushed the car into the gas station. I mean, I got dam close.
Am going to plant now. Wish me no child killing luck.
Yes. You need those bad boys sharpened.
Kittens are bad for motivation.
So it’s Holy Crabs??
Nachos. Want. The end.
I am a very wise woman. Knowledgeable. All that.
I may be a wee bit drunk.
I’m at Walmart. And I’m dressed like I belong here. I am ashamed.
Oh mad chillin for days.
He’s a handful. Like triplets.
You iz special.
On the: Issa’s trip to Lu’s floor of LA tour?
FYI: I have tiny fingers.
I’m super excited to get my sparkle back.
All four of us together? Epic.
H: Mama, I bery sad. Me: Why my bud? H: My poly-poly dies. Me: Oh yeah. How’d that happen. H: I step on him.
I’ve been asking A what she wants to eat for dinner. Her response at least 3 times now? I want to eat Dora. Either I’m raising a cannibal or a lesbian.
Girl still needs Etsy Anonymous.
Dude. I want to marry my artichoke dip. I wonder what our babies would look like?
You may be the least hate-able person in the entire world.
For some reason these children still expect me to do things like feed them. Water them. Somerthing.
Delivery Preschool. That’d rock.
But everyone needs a large pink blow up shark, right??
This last one was an email from my mother: “Melissa Annie, what are the exact numbers when one says they require a “butt shit-load” of photographs. This is not a number either P or I are familiar with. Please advise. Love, mama”
This week, as most of you likely know (because I’m a Twitter complainer), I was hacked. Hacked at the server level by a evil blog eating clown. It destroyed my entire blog and corrupted the server database. This was what I found when alerted that my blog was gone on Tuesday:
I hear there was creepy music as well, but since I keep my computer speakers off, I never heard it. That was what was left in the place of my blog.
Gone. In an instant, three years of my life was gone. Every word. Every photo. Every comment. Luckily, most have now been restored. The rest are gone for good. Photos in any post are forever lost. Some comments as well. There is no way to get them back.
After waiting for three days for my old blog host to cough over my corrupted server, my best friend Jenna has managed to resurrect my blog. She is a hero. My own personal savior. I owe her big time. I offered her my first born, but a bossy nine year old with stinky feet didn’t seem to be something she wanted.
It’s not just my words that I lost this week. It was my heart and soul. I pour both into my posts and they felt stolen. I have felt very violated this week. I still do, even though I now have a place to call my home again. It felt like someone came and hacked off my leg. I needed that leg. I need that leg. This has been emotionally and mentally exhausting.
I readily admit to being dumb. I used the same password for years and years and years. It was the same for my blog, multiple email accounts, Facebook and Twitter. I am not kidding when I say years. I’ve used the same password for six years. Now of course all of them have been changed. I’ll start changing them on the first of every month.
However, I didn’t hack myself. Some evil clown did. Just because he felt bored, most likely. I thought my host would protect me. They didn’t. In fact, they hold themselves 100% not responsible. They blame WP. They blame me. They accept none of the blame. Needless to say, I have now switched hosts.
Friends, I want you to learn from my mistakes. Back up your blog. Send a good back-up to your email once a week and keep it. Don’t trash them like I did. Keep them. If you don’t know how and trust me, I don’t either, then please go see this great post by Schmutzie.
Change your passwords every month. This was possibly my downfall. Use something odd. Don’t use your kids names. I thought I was safe by using my kids real names and not their blog names. Yeah. I wasn’t thinking.
In the end, it’s not possible to not be hacked. They, whoever they may be, are extremely good at this. It’s not personal to them, it’s random. I thought I was safe. I thought I was too small a blogger to ever be noticed, much less hacked. I was wrong. So very wrong.
You never know how important something is to you, until it’s gone. I now know without a doubt how very important this site is to me. I’ve been lost without it the past few days. I am so very thankful to have it back.
Please learn from me friends. Please. Protect yourself. Protect your words. Try and protect your heart from what I’ve been through.
**Thank you, thank you times a zillion to the amazing, talented Jenna.
Today is my lovely friend Jill’s birthday. Jill is that friend. The kind of friend everyone should have. The kind of friend that you don’t actually remember how you met, but you are forever grateful that you did. The kind of friend who makes you laugh your ass off, because she will say absolutely anything. The girl may have a filter, but I’ve yet to find it. I love that about her.
In general, I love everything about her. She’s sweet, caring, funny, sarcastic and downright amazing.
Jill is the type of friend who will take her kids out of school for a day, drive six hours one way, with three kids and a dog…just to be able to see you for a day. You being me. I will always love her for that.
She sends me photos of her dog about to kiss the phone to make me smile. She texts me when I’m sad. She never fails to be there when I need her. She sends me photos of the ocean when I need them and photos of her crying son to make me laugh. When I needed to know what to say in an email the other day, she sent me and exact script. It was perfection.
She is the woman you want on your side, not on the other side. I’ve seen the things she can accomplish when need be. Trust me, you don’t want her as your enemy. If given the power, I’m sure she could run this country. She’s short but scrappy.
Everyone should have a Jill in their life. She makes life so much brighter.
For her, I wish for a painless move to DC. I wish for all of her stuff to be released from purgatory in Germany or wherever it’s being held captive. I wish for a few amazing years in your new home, a home filled with friends and family and no drama. Mostly though, I wish for the time between now and when Matt comes home from Iraq to go fast.
Happy birthday friend. I can’t wait to see you. I mean we’ve only got what, nine weeks to go?
Love you, Issa
Last week was amazing. A much needed break from the nightmare of the past few months.
There was sushi and cake. Lots of cake. Cupcakes and whipped cream too. There were days spent shopping. Hours spent laughing. There were long conversations with my best friend. Many, many dinners out. There were visits with friends and family and best yet, friends who are like family. There were dozens and dozens of amazingly sweet birthday messages from all of you. There was a plane ride where I talked to the nice lady next to me for two hours straight. And the plane ride where I read Ree’s new book for two hours straight.
At home after five days gone, there was happy kids. Chocolate and jelly bean day. Stuffing and hiding plastic eggs for three kids who managed to find them all. There are parents who just moved to the state after three years of planning. A grill sitting on my back patio compliments of my step-dad. And plans to paint my bedroom this coming week.
For nine full days, I had a break. A glorious, amazing, fabulous break. A much needed break. I was able to breath. I was able to laugh. The constant pain between my shoulder blades went away and my ulcers went back into hiding.
Last night as I walked toward my sleeping sick son’s room to re-dose him with Motrin, I ran smack into a wall. Yeah, I’m slick like that. It felt like being hit with reality. This morning I’m sure of it. I’ve been smacked with reality.
Today is very real. A harsh, non-fun reality. One with a job I despise and the knowledge that I need to start looking for a new one yesterday. Today there is the knowledge in how much work comes with that. How tired the very thought makes me. Today there is a sick boy who has a doctors appointment in an hour for what I know is an ear infection. Today I need to start exercising again and set down the jelly beans. Today I need to pay bills.
Yes, today is real. Today seems a bit grayer and much more lonely.
When I close my eyes though, I remember last week. I remember the smell of the moisture in the air in California. I remember the smile my dad had when I showed up to take him to lunch. I remember good food and great friends.
Hopefully it will carry me through for a while.
This is my 500th post. 500. It seems like such a big number. I thought long and hard about what to say on this post, especially after not posting for nearly a month. I knew that my first post back, would be my 500th post. I wanted it to be good, not just a this is what I’ve been doing post…which I promise you will get later this week. No, this one needed to be special.
Then it hit me. This could go up today. See today, April 19th is my best friend Liz’s birthday. So this, my 500th post? Is for her.
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Me: How’s the kitty?
Her: I want chips and salsa.
I laugh out loud to myself. Our text messages are often this random. She is the only person I can text like I would talk to if she were sitting in the room next too me, instead of 1230 something miles away. Anyone else would look at our texts and possible think we are nuts. Yet, it makes perfect sense to me.
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I read a post a few weeks ago on BlogHer about online friendships. It was called: Are Online Relationships Real? It wasn’t saying that they weren’t real, but it made me think. I’ve had this conversation many times. Sometimes with people who have no clue about it and think I’m insane. How can you be friends with people who you can’t see all the time, is always their question.
Other times I’ve had this conversation cramped into a hotel room with six or eight other people. With friends who understand and have had to have this conversation themselves with others who don’t get it. They are friends. Great friends actually, who I wouldn’t know if it weren’t for this online world. I know first hand that online friendships are real. I have many of them. People who are with me through thick and thin. Some I’m met in person, some I haven’t. I’ve found that it doesn’t really matter. I know who my real friends are.
True friendship is not dictated by proximity. It’s dictated by love and support and the ability to be there for another person, even when all you can do is say: I’m here. I’m listening and holding your hand from here. It shouldn’t matter where here actually is.
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We met for the first time in September a year and a half ago after six months of non-stop talking.
What if she’s some crazy ax murderer, he asked me the night before. Dude. First? I already met her husband. Iss, there can be women ax murderers you know. Okay fine. Well second? I’ll be in Vegas. There are great CSI’s there.
It was a silly argument. I was nervous, but I had absolutely no fear about my best friend being a closet ax murderer. Even before that trip, I called her my best friend. She already was. My best friend twin soul sister.
There is this scene in the movie Julie and Julia where Julia Child meets for the first time a woman who she’d been pen pals with for years and years. I adore it. When I saw it in the theater it gave me chills. That’s what it was like for me, meeting Liz. Being able to hug someone who you’ve considered your best friend for months and months? I can’t even explain it.
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Our friend Lu calls her the wizard. Because she’s quiet, yet when she does talk, it’s exactly what needed to be said. She has a way with words.
She’s who I text for any and all cooking needs and questions. Even when she laughs, because I really do suck at cooking, she always knows what to do.
She’s the person I need when I’m panicky. The one who can always calm me down, no matter what is going on.
She always helps me see reason through the crazy. She’s always there to remind me that just because I think something in my head, doesn’t mean I need to apologize for it.
Really the girl deserves a medal for being best friends with someone as crazy as me. Or maybe she needs her head examined. Both. Yeah, it’s probably both.
She’s the only person I listen to the first time. (What can I say, I’m a stubborn ass.) Somehow she knows exactly what to say to me, to get me to do the right thing. Or to you know, stop being a stubborn ass.
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I went to her house, after Logan left me. There is no where else I wanted to be. On the side of a road one day, looking at the ocean while I sobbed, she swore to me that this wouldn’t kill me. That I would get past the pain. That one day I would feel like a whole person again and she’s be there to remind me that I did make it.
Even though I knew she was probably right, I didn’t believe it. Yeah. I was wrong on that one. I’m wrong often. I get caught up in my head when bad things happen. Sometimes I need a huge light to see reality. She tends to be that huge light. Maybe one of those lighthouse lights.
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I still remember the day we started talking. How funny that two years later I remember a single day. I’m not sure I can tell you what was on TV last night or what I had for lunch yesterday, but I remember that first DM conversation two years ago. Maybe it’s because it was significant. It was the day I made the greatest friend I’ve ever had.
Every day I know my life is better because she is in it. She makes me strive to be a better person, a better friend and a better mother. She is brave, smart, amazing, kind and beautiful and I absolutely adore her.
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Happy birthday Liz. I’m so thrilled that I get to spend today here with you. Love you to the moon and back.
xoxo, Issa
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