I’ve always had trouble taking compliments. I have a theory on why, but let’s just leave it at, when you’ve been abused as a kid, you tend to think you aren’t worth much. Part of it, I think I’ve gotten better at. Some of it may be a life long struggle. I try, I really do, but I tend to think I fail.

When people say something nice to me, I tend to come up with a million reasons in my head, as to why it’s not real. I berate myself. In my head. Sometimes outloud. Although I learned long ago to keep most of that to myself, because people then get a bit yelly. It’s not easy. To take a compliment as just a compliment. To hear the words and believe what people are saying, when you sometimes hate yourself. I know someone will yell at me for that. But a lot of times I do hate myself. I feel that I’m worthless. I know logically why I feel that way at times, yet, I’m not always able to stop it.

This past week has been a challenge for me. To go to a conference and have people want to meet me. Little ole me. Just because. Last year, I was able to tell myself, well I did that keynote, so they know who I am.

Yet there was 2,400 hundred people at the Hilton this past weekend and some people wanted to meet me. For the key reason, that they just wanted to meet me. This year, people said hi to me in elevators. Just because. People hugged me in the hallway. Just because. I didn’t do anything special this year. I was just me.

Do you know how strange that is for me?

I’ve cried about 12 times this past week, reading re-caps. You know why? Because people have said nice things about me. People who didn’t manage to meet me have said, I wish I’d met you. Some people told me, I was a reason they had a great time, I made their experience better. It warms my heart to hear that.

It’s strange for me though. It’s awesome and I love it, but it’s strange. I don’t always find myself worthy of this community. I generally feel like I don’t bring much too it.

What I do know? These past few days, instead of reading nice things about myself through a filter, through my filter, I just read them. I absorbed them. They made me smile, they made me cry. I believed them.

Progress. Small progress. But it’s something.

This year? I see photos of myself and I think, I truly love that photo. I haven’t picked apart how I looked in any of them.

I just love them.

So thank you. You and you and you. All of you. Just….thank you.

I didn’t think I was going to be able to go to BlogHer this year. If memory serves me, I even posted in February saying, hey, just as an FYI, I’m not going. I did it to save myself the heartache of trying to go and not being able to come up with the money later on. I’m good at that. Setting myself up for failure. So, I thought I’d just say no and be done with it.

That very day, I received oh say, 12 DM’s from a very dear friend, Megan (Undomestic Diva) basically telling me that in no way was she accepting my no as an answer and it was obvious to her that I wanted to go, so I just was going to make it happen. The end. She’s demanding, that girl. But I love that about her. She was also very right.

The next day I was given an extraordinary gift, by one of my best friends, Jenna. She’d bought a BlogHer ticket and wasn’t going to be able to go and had tried unsuccessfully to sell it to someone. She gifted it to me. I tried to argue, to say I’d pay her over time. Have you ever tried to argue with a stubborn best friend? I don’t recommend it. She won, I gave up. I have thanked her so many times, I’m afraid this time, she may really throw a shoe at me, all the way from Oregon. However….thank you friend. You are the reason I am going. Without you, I wouldn’t have made the rest of it happen. Love you.

When my mom asked me what I wanted for my 30th birthday in April, I said, um…how about a plane ticket to NYC in August. She said, okay, I can do that on one condition. Her condition was getting to keep my kids for two weeks. Ha. A DOUBLE birthday present. I love my mommy. She is showing up today, to take them to the land of, Grandma is cooler than your mommy. It’s a very important and amazing place.

I found some amazing roommates. Stacey and Kari are two of my very favorite people in the world. The rest is kind of history. I’m going. I’ll be there. Megan was right, I wanted to go. I’m so thrilled that it all worked out. I can’t even tell you all how much of a break from my life I need right now.

So now, some weird things to know about me before hand:

-First of all, hi, I’m Issa. *waves* I know you all know that, but what people always ask is, how do I pronounce Issa? Well see my name is actually Melissa. Which I will totally answer too. Issa is a nick name for Melissa. The best way I can explain it, is this: Issa is Melissa without the Mel or Lissa without the L. (Try and call me Mel and you die. Am not kidding. I don’t find it funny and I DESPISE it. Try it more than once and I will most likely not speak to you any more.) There is no E sound in Issa. Got it? Please, don’t worry about screwing it up. Because honestly, I am probably going to look at you and go, and your Twitter/Blog Name is what again? Just ask, I promise I don’t bite and I’ll say Issa for you.

-I won’t be wearing much black, so I’ll be easy to spot in a crowd, in my colorful ass shirts. It’s not that I don’t like black, it’s that it makes me look too washed out. I am Polish Pasty. It’s a genetic condition.

-I don’t drink. Or if for some reason I do, it’s one drink. That is all. I don’t mind being around drunkards. It’s just not my thing.

-I once accidentally drank a wine cooler. I was ten years old. I had no concept of what it was, nor that it wasn’t just a kids drink, because it sure as hell tasted like one. It made me super sick. I can’t really drink sweet fruity drinks because of it.

-I will be the one wearing flip-flops the entire time. I did buy one new pair though. I luff them.

-I am a neurotic gum chewer. I have shitty teeth and I’m not really  supposed to chew it, so I chew a piece, spit it out after five minute and then get a new piece another 30 minutes later.

-I will confuse you by using my kids real names. Because in person there is no way I will say their fake names. I can type it without thinking, but I just can’t keep it up in conversation.

-I will try really hard to be outgoing. Please to be knowing, it’s not the way I am naturally….so it may seem forced at times.

-I am not now, nor have I ever been cool. I have one new shirt. Because that is all I can afford to purchase at this time. I am likely to wear the same clothes as last year. Same flip-flops too. I have an anxiety disorder. I’ve been through a lot this year and I’m prone to crying. Shrug.

-Unless your Twitter avatar is posted on your forehead, I may not remember your name. Even if we met last year. Please remind me your name. I do want to meet you. I’m just bad with names.

-Last year there were people I wanted to meet and didn’t. A few I never saw (Maggie Dammit) a few I did and chickened the fuck out (Mom 101 & Motherhood Uncensored). I regretted that. The seeing and chickening out. I mean what if that had been my only chance ever? It isn’t, it won’t be, I’ve promised both Liz and Kristen that I WILL MEET THEM THIS YEAR. But still. It could have been, you know? If you want to meet me and you see me, please come say hi. I don’t bite. Promise. No matter how I appear, I am just as socially awkward as the next person.

-I am a self proclaimed baby whisperer. If you’d like to test that theory out, I’d love it. I have serious baby wants in this moment.

-I am blind as a bat. I will run into walls; trip over absolutely nothing and look at my nose when I get too tired.

-I am addicted to Starbucks. I will likely be easy to find each morning, as there is a SB in our hotel lobby.

-I am really going to NYC to eat. Seriously. My list of things to eat is getting out of hand.

-My three best friends are not going to be there. Please ignore me being permanently attached to my cell phone. I text and email them often. I am a multi-tasker. I will try to keep it to a minimum. However, they are my life line. I make no promises.

-I am going to be helping out in the Serenity Suite a few times.  I will post when, next week, so if you’d like to come visit me then you can.

That’s all I know.

Part one, because I’m sure there is more.

I know, I know…it’s only June. Why in the world am I talking about BlogHer already?  Those who have been are wondering why I’m doing this two months early.  Come on Issa, you know it’s only JUNE right? The conference isn’t until August. Those who aren’t going are shaking their heads, rolling their eyes and thinking, already? Seriously?

I know. Mea culpa. Have you looked around though? People are already freaking out. This is for the newbies. Because this time last year? I was them. I started freaking out two months prior. No joke. I started having BlogHer nightmares about this time. I’m me though, I’m an anxious person. However? I know I’m not alone. I figured I’d bring up a few things, to help you out. I’m sure I’ll come up with more later. When I do, I promise to post them.

Business cards: If you can, get them. I bought 150. I think. I came home with 40. Or something. I’ll buy new ones this year. It’s hard to remember everyone. It’s nice to have those cards when you come home. I put my name, blog name, blog address and Twitter ID on it I believe. I used Zazzle last year and paid $25.00 with shipping. But there are tons of places to get them.

It’s not you, really. It’s not: I have, well I’m going to call it people ADD. I’ll be in the middle of a conversation with someone, see someone I just have to say something to, tell you I’m coming back and then I’ll get lost. It happened a few times last year. I’m sorry if I did it to you. There is just soooooo many people and sooooo little time. Please try not to take it personal.

People are mostly nice: They will talk to you. Some people aren’t so nice. Guess what? BlogHer is real life. 1,200 or so people who all happen to blog, in one hotel at the same time. There will be people you like and some you don’t like, all there. At once. It’s okay. It’s a big hotel.

I went up to people I’d always wanted to meet and said hello. I talked to people I’d never heard of. I talked to random people in the elevator and the lobby. I walked up to people I thought I knew and then realized I had no idea who they were. All of those people were nice to me. This year, I vow to be braver. To make sure I meet the few people who I was too scared to last year.

I? Am a very nice person. I’m polite. I’m kind. I smell purty. I don’t bite. Swear. If you see me and want to meet me, feel free to come say hello.

Bloggers who you’ve always wanted to meet are likely to be willing to talk to you. Do me a favor though? Remember that they are there to visit with their friends too. No matter how big name a blogger is, nor how unknown, most of us are there to see our friends. Meet new people? Yes, that too. But try not to take it personally. I? Want to meet anyone who wants to meet me. Promise. But that doesn’t mean I’m not there to see my friends. It’s not an affront to you, if they are busy with someone else, or chatting with their friends. It’s not a personal attack on you, it’s just life.

Use the same theory you would at home, if someone is in mid-conversation wait for a slow moment to interrupt. People are nicer if you remember the manners that we teach our children.

Every year there will be posts after the fact of people who felt it was a personal attack that someone didn’t have time to talk to them. It’s generally not. This conference happens once a year. I am seeing my friends who I haven’t seen in a year. People I talk to online every day. It’s different to have this few days. To hug in person. To talk, joke, laugh and if you are like me, cry in person. 95% of the people there are there for the same reason.

Wear what you want: Wear whatever makes you comfortable. If you want a new dress for the parties, buy and wear a new dress. There will be people wearing dresses. There will be people not dressing up at all.

I promise you, I don’t care what you are wearing. Heck, I’ll barely care what I’m wearing. I saw people seriously dressed up. I saw people dressed more casually. Some dressed up for parties. I’m a jeans, t-shirt and flip-flop girl myself. I doubt I’ll change for parties. If I do, it will just be a fresh t-shirt. But that’s me. Be you.

There’s a little bit of everything. My friend brought six pairs of shoes. He’s strange though. I believe I brought two pairs of flip-flops. Whatever floats your boat. Truly. Just know, be comfortable in what you are wearing and you will be fine.

Leave the hotel: Trust me. I didn’t do it last year except for daily visits to the local Starbucks and two dinners out. LEAVE THE HOTEL. You will regret it if you don’t. I’d never been to Chicago. Want to know what I saw in Chicago? NOTHING. I won’t make that mistake again. I am not even saying leave tons. But make a point of picking one thing and doing it. I have a million things I’d like to see and do in NYC. I’ve picked two for this trip. See Central Park….not all of it mind you. But a part of it. I just want to see it. I also pan on going to Serendipity. That’s it. Two things. So that I don’t regret not seeing something.

Food: Food and water can be scarce around the hotel, although I promise you that caffeine will be everywhere. One can not live on booze and Starbucks. Enough said. Eat. Go find food. Drink water. This one speaks for itself.

Drama: There will be some. There is always some. Try to avoid it. Sometimes you can’t. Sometimes you have too big of a mouth and you step into it without meaning too. (see: me) It’s okay. It’s all okay. It’s only four days of your life.

Panels/workshops: Whatever you want to call them. There are tons of choices of pick from. I went to way too many last year. (Please see above on not leaving hotel.) I went to tons, however I only truly enjoyed two of them. The MamaPop one and the Men of BlogHer one, which was given by some of my favorite male bloggers. The rest? Meh. I can’t even remember what they were about, if that tells you anything.

See the Keynote: Plan on being around for this. I’ve heard it’s amazing. I believe it. I just don’t remember it. Because last year I was in it. I went second. I followed Bossy. I was so anxious and nervous that I barely remember that entire day. I wanted to hide in a corner and evaporate. However the corners backstage were already being used…plus hai, second. If you aren’t in it, I hear it’s the best part of the conference. (I did watch the video and I can attest to this being true.) If you are in it, well um…email me if you want. You can do it. Swears.

Swag: It’s not worth fighting over. I swear to you. It’s not. I went home with nothing, except a squishy ball from the Men of BlogHer panel. I gave it all away. If you think elbowing babies is worth a Swiffer wipe or a USB flash drive, well come see me, I’ll give you mine.

Have fun: Make it fun. Enjoy it. You are on vacation for peet’s sake. Ignore the drama if you can. Party. Meet new people. Talk to strangers. If you see someone sitting in a corner, go sit with them. Chances are? They are just as freaked out as you. Truly, BlogHer is what you make of it.

That’s all I’ve got for now. If you have anything you want to know, I’ll gladly answer it for you.

In July, on the first night of BlogHer, I met someone I’d never “met” online. I met the lovely Renee, also known as But Why Mommy. After a bit, I found myself sitting across the table from her, at a not so great pizza joint in downtown Chicago. I felt a bit weird because it seemed like I was the only one at the table who didn’t know who she was. The thing that made me feel better, was I didn’t believe she knew who I was either. (Watch, I’ll be wrong about that.) We started talking about our kids. I told her how sad I’d been that morning to leave 10 month old Harrison and how Bailey had been really upset, until Logan had offered her donuts. Yes, my child traded me for a donut. Renee told me all about Bunny, her then three year old; about her love of dinosaurs, how smart she was, how amazing an artist she was at such a young age. When she talked about Bunny, her face lit up. I remember that, even now.

Then I asked her if Bunny was going to be an only child or if they’d have another one day. Renee then said, well we adopted Bunny from China and we’d like to say we’ll one day give her a sibling, but it seems unlikely right now. She told me that they were in the process of adopting a son from Ethiopia, but it seemed like it just might not happen. That the process didn’t seem to progressing at all. That she was unsure if they would continue to move forward or give up. She was sad about that and trying not to be. Trying not to show it. We barely knew each other and I wanted to hug her. I know that feeling, the wanting to expand your family and thinking it will never happen. But all I could say was, oh I really hope it all works out for you. I’d only known the girl for an hour.

That was eight months ago. Eight months is a long time, but also not such a long time. Long enough to make a great friend. Although truthfully, I felt like Renee was a great friend after four days.

Today though, eight months later, my amazing friend is very, very close to bringing her son Lion home. What I mean is, they could literally be going to get him in a few weeks. He is for sure their son. They got that news about ten days ago. Now they just wait for all the paperwork to come in. Then? They go bring their boy home, where he belongs. With Renee and her husband; with his big sister Bunny.

I wanted to do something for my friend. Something big, something amazing. Something to show her how much I love her and how thrilled I am for her. I wanted to throw her a baby shower. Maybe an adoption shower? However, this is the Internet. And? Renee and I live three states away from each other. We have amazing friends, but they are scattered all over the country. It doesn’t make for easy parties. I did the next best thing, I put together an Internet baby shower. There are no brownies, or little cakes, but it has something better than that, tons of friends and love. Which really is more important than little cakes. (Oh how I’d take a little cake right now.)

Anyway…Renee, welcome to your baby shower. **hands over silly hat and little cake** Make yourself comfy, you have a bunch of reading to do today.

I thought about what I could share with you, Renee. What could I possibly tell you that is helpful. I figure I can give you a few pointers on parenting boys. You know from my vast knowledge of the past nearly 17 months. Snort.

1. Boys pee. They pee upwards. This was new for me. Here is my helpful hint. Something I still do to this day. Take a wipe and throw it on the dang thing, the second you open the diaper. Just trust me on this one. Harrison hasn’t peed on me in months, but he still could. It’s something I fully believe to be true.

2. Boys are loud. Not screechy loud like little girls, but volume loud. Very, very loud. Invest in ear plugs.

3. Boys like things that move. Cars, balls, trains, toys that move. They don’t generally care much for toys that don’t do something. Unless it’s tupperware, 100 DVD boxes that can be thrown on the floor or you, when you are sitting. You are a jungle gym. I hope you knew that.

4. Boys are dirty. I have a daughter who is dirty too. Truly, we call her pig pen sometimes. But Harrison is very little and he’s always dirty. Always. I always wonder how he can get dirty playing with his train set in my basement. But he can.

5. Silver wear is a joke. Only give it to him, if you like things chucked at your head. Harrison will eat anything and everything. I do mean everything. But he’s not so big on forks and spoons. He prefers the whole hand as a shovel method.

6. Boys are sweet and cuddly and absolute joys. Parenting a boy, after girls gives me more joy than I could even put into words. I melt each time he gives me that little impish grin. He knows it too, little brat. Ha.

You are a great mom my friend. I have no doubt that Lion is one lucky, amazing little boy. I can’t wait to meet him.

Below is a Mr. Linky. Our friends who had the chance, will be linking posts for you throughout the day. We just wanted you too know that you are loved and that we all love your tiny boy, even though we haven’t met him yet.

ps. I sent you a box. A bit late, but yeah…I’m me. Stuff I said I’d send. Some gifts I bought and a little something for Bunny. Love you sweetie. I could not be more thrilled about you bringing Lion home.