1. I’m actually looking forward to the holidays this year. Last year was hard. It was the first year of sharing holidays. Even though we’d made it completely fair, it was still just hard. This year, we split up this week, as the kids have the whole week off. So right now they are in the mountains with Logan and his parents and they’ll have a blast. Wednesday night they come to me and we’ll go to my parents for three days. Christmas break will be the same. We’ve sorta just split it down the middle. I’ve gotten to where I enjoy the time with them and (mostly) don’t fret about the time without.
2. Of course I cried for a few minutes yesterday after leaving them with him. Which, sorta weirded me out. It’s been a long time since I’ve done that. It was momentary.
3. I won something on the Internet for the first time ever. I’ve been blogging since late 2005. I’ve entered a zillion contests. I rarely enter them now, just because I know I’ll never win. Last week, I entered Jodifur’s contest. Mostly because I like her. Yet I WON! Go me. Also thank you Jodi.
4. There are days where I wonder what in the world I’m doing online. Days where I find it all so tiring. Days where it feels like more work than fun. Then I see something like Anna’s daughter Margaret getting to go to the AMA’s and meet Justin Beiber, all because of social media and I know why I’m here. I remember why I do this. Because the Internet is filled with amazing people. People who help a devastated little girl have a night of pure joy.
5. I’m currently addicted to Plants vs. Zombies. It’s a silly game that’s been out for a long time. The other night I needed something mindless to do. I downloaded the app. I Luff it. Seriously.
That’s what I know right now. If I don’t post again this week, I hope you all have a fantastic Thanksgiving.
On Friday it will be a year since my divorce was final. A year. An entire year. We’ve now been separated for 21 months. It seems like a lifetime ago, yet at times it seems like only seconds.
Last night I had one of those moments. The moments that thankfully are farther and farther between. A moment where I realized I wanted something from the other room and called to him to get it for me. My only response of course, was the dog peeking around the door eyeballing me.
For a moment, I cried for what was.
The day of your divorce isn’t something people want to remember or celebrate in any way. Yet, I can’t seem to not think about it. It’s been in my thoughts for the past few days. This was the end last year. The end of a lifetime. Our lifetime. The end of the way our family had been. We are still family. Those three little people connect us in a way that will never end completely. Yet October 14th last year was our end.
I’ve spent the last year re-creating myself. Making myself get up every day and fake it, until the day came where I didn’t have to fake it anymore. I’ve spent the last year making memories with my kids. New memories. Our memories. Ones Logan doesn’t get to share. He in turn has made a years worth of memories with them as well. Ones I don’t get to share. That’s one of the hardest you know, knowing what you are missing out on in your kids lives.
I don’t know exactly what comes next. I know what I hope comes next. I know good things will happen in the next year, because I will make them happen, just like I did this year. I’m proud of what I’ve done in this past year. I’m proud of who I’ve become in the past year. Someone stronger, more secure in myself, someone I can be proud of.
Divorce isn’t all sunshine and roses. Not even close. Half the time I don’t have my kids. Half the time I am alone with my pup. Sometimes I’m okay with that and other times is sucks donkey balls. I try my best to be positive, but some days are just harder than others. But I’ve made it this far.
If I could tell one thing to people about to start this process? I’d tell you the first year is the worst. It does get better after that. 95% of the time, it’s better. You learn to count on only yourself and well at least for me, I found out that I’m stronger than I ever knew. He’s happier now than he’d been in years. As hard as it is for me to say, I am too. My idea of what our marriage was…well in some ways, it may have been more in my head than the reality. I am happier now. I am.
Sometimes though, I’ll still have a night like last night. A moment where I forget. A moment where I call for someone who left 21 months ago. Shrug. Like I said, at least it’s few and far between these days.
A year. I’ve made it an entire year. While the day of my divorce may not be something to celebrate, me surviving an entire year is.
She’s my easiest child. Oh Bailey? Yeah she’s the easy one.
I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I’ve said that. In truth it’s always been that she’s more easy going than her siblings. More willing to give in to what they want. She’s the only one who can play by herself for hours. Compared to Morgan, she has always been easy. Until recently when she suddenly switched to being my hardest. Which is funny considering the amount of toddler attitude and tantrums that I deal with on a daily basis.
Suddenly she is full of attitude. She argues with me about everything. She’s taken to trowing fits at the drop of a hat. Nothing is ever fair, I am out to get her and I only love her siblings best. She pushes Harrison around and picks fights with Morgan for kicks.
And I know it’s my fault. I’ve let it get this far. I did it by thinking she was okay. I did it by still believing that she was my easiest. Morgan is loud and very upfront with her needs. Harrison is too. It’s in their personalities. They need anything and they will make sure you know it right away. Bailey is not like that. She never has been.
It’s not easy finding one on one time with my kids. I can and do, do it. Yet this summer, it’s all been for Morgan and Harrison. Somehow I never made that time for Bailey. I thought I had, but this weekend in thinking about it, I realize I haven’t. No lunches just us. No dinners just us. No full day mommy time. Nothing.
This summer has been hard for her. She’s been in the same camp group with Morgan, since they go by age. She’s had to be with her sister and play by her sisters rules 24/7. I will guarantee you it’s not easy to be Morgan’s little sister and that is the role she’s been put in all summer long.
What sucks is I know this is my fault. Some days I feel like such a failure when it comes to this single parent gig. I know in the grand scheme of life, that isn’t true. However right now, I also know I’ve failed my daughter this summer. It’s so easy to fix this. It really is. Even letting her pick a movie and have a sleepover in my bed Friday night, made her behavior better all weekend. I just feel dumb for not having realized it sooner.
School started today *cheers* and that will help some things. Our schedule will be more set. She will be in her class, with her friends. Morgan won’t even have the same recess times as her. Next weekend, I’m going to keep her while her siblings go to their dad’s house….something that will hopefully help as well.
I know this is fixable. I know it’s not even a big deal. What kills me is that it took me all summer to figure it out. It took talking to a friend about it, to realize what I’d done wrong and how to fix it. I have to remember that even though she isn’t as loud about her needs, she still deserves the same amount of time her siblings do.
This parenting gig isn’t easy. We all know that. But single parenting with kids you only have half time? It’s hard. It’s so very hard at times to fully know what’s going on and finding time to deal with it.
I guess I need to stop calling her my easiest child.
When Logan first left, the pain of it all felt like it came in constant waves. Like I was on the coast during a horrible storm. The wave would take me under, flip me around and spit me out. I’d barely catch my breath before it did it again. It was brutal. It was non-stop. After awhile it dissipated a bit. A large wave would come and smack me every now and then, but it wasn’t constant. It was almost as if the storm had passed. Most of the time now, it’s not that bad. Even when the waves come, they are little. Lake waves maybe.
There’s that saying that you can get used to anything? I never believed it to be true, but I suppose it is. I did. I got used to this new life. Most of the time at least. This weekend was rough though. I’m not even sure I can adequately put it into words. The best I can probably say, is there was a big storm. I made it out okay, but I felt a bit wrecked.
I’d forgotten what it was like to feel this bad. Maybe not really forgotten, but I’d pushed it far back. It’s hard to feel so alone. To feel so lonely and know that no one cares to hang out with you. To feel like you’ve lost everything. I spent a lot of time wishing I could turn back the clock this weekend. Wishing I could turn the clock back to a better time. A time where my house was always loud. A time where I was married. A time where my kids were always here. A time with friends to talk to and do things with. I miss that.
This weekend I missed that so much. This weekend my depression and anxiety beat me. This weekend I felt super sorry for myself. I was convinced that I’d always be alone. I’ve been through so much in the past few years and most of the time now, I feel like I have a handle on my life and on myself. I wish he could have just waited. Just given me more time to find my way.
This weekend I felt like I’d never be happy again. What can I say, I’m over dramatic when I have one of these moment. However, it happens.
Yesterday after completely loosing my shit and sobbing to one of my best friends for a good hour, I started to feel better. I still feel pretty wrecked though. Dumb too. I always feel like a dumb failure in the aftermath.
Last month at some point, I had a conversation with one of my friends. About how right now is just one chapter in our lives. It’s not the whole book. It may be a shitty chapter, yet eventually it will end. Then a new one will start.
I’m ready for that new chapter.
Can I ask you something? She says it tentatively, almost as if she regrets asking before she even finishes the sentence.
Sure friend. Anything.
Are you over him? Because you seem to be.
Him, being Logan of course. The answer is simple, yet not simple.
No I’m really not, I say. I just pretend well.
She let’s it go, as I knew she would. She’s my friend, but she’s also his cousin. She’s always careful what she says to both of us about the other. It’s been weeks and weeks since she even mentioned him to me.
My answer was simple, but not completely accurate. I am not over him. Some days I wonder if I ever will be. I still believe I will be that crazy goldfish (I’m allergic to cats) lady going from friends house to friends house when I’m old. I am not over him, but I’m resigned to being without him. I’ve gotten used to my life as it is now. I have my kids half the time, which I thought I’d never get used to, yet I did. Truth is, you can get used to anything. I work full time, I write when I have time, I do what I do. I spend too much time online, but hey I did that while married so it’s really no different. I go visit friends. I have dinner with friends here. I walk the dog. I contemplate what I want to do about my house. I’ve gotten used to this life. Most of the time, I even like it well enough.
Yet it wasn’t my choice. I didn’t choose this. It was what I was given and I’ve learned to deal with it.
I don’t fully blame him for our divorce. Divorce is generally a two way street. While I wasn’t the one to ask for it, I know our marriage downfall was my fault as much as his. I don’t hate him. I never could. We get along pretty well. Our kids come first 100% of the time.
I pretend well. That is true. I pretend to be over him, because it’s easier. Easier on me, on my children, on others.
Mostly though, I’m just resigned.
Having kids is a lot of work. We all know that. A lot of times, I have things I’d like to complain about, however I feel like I shouldn’t complain, because I only have mine half the time. I’ve been told as much by people. Oh I’d love some time off, my cousins say. You should enjoy the break.
Yeah. It’s not that simple. We all want a break. You, me, everyone. We deserve breaks. But this is different. I still should be allowed to complain at times. They don’t want to hear it. So I stay silent. I listen to them complain about every day life. I know I used to be allowed to complain. Why am I not now? Why are my words not as important now? I didn’t choose this. I didn’t decided to leave myself. I didn’t ask to only have my kids 50% of the time. I liked my life the way it was.
I still feel like I should be allowed to say what I want. I’m going to start here. Maybe then, I’ll learn to say it out loud to others. Here has always been a safe place for me. Lately though, I’ve stumbled on finding words. I’ve hesitated when I wanted to speak for a long time. Maybe because I’m afraid that none of you think I should be allowed to complain either. It’s made me resort to doing meme’s non-stop. Which I’m sure are boring as hell to read.
*deep breath*
Being divorced with kids is hard. Being alone when they are gone is hard. It being one against three when they are here is hard.
Things get ignored. I don’t bake for the school events. I buy stuff. In fact a lot of the time I don’t bother signing up. I haven’t volunteered in my girls classes a single day this school year. I won’t be able to either.
Some days I yell about really stupid things. Things like people stalling on bedtimes. Stupid things like finding out that Disney shows were recorded instead of something I wanted to watch. Things like getting in the car in the morning and realizing that someone forgot to brush their teeth. I get impatient, because I feel like I’m constantly behind.
I despise the endless birthday parties because it takes away from my time. However, my daughters are very social and way too dam popular, so there are always parties to go to.
I took the girls out of dance and gymnastics until tax season is over, because my work is so crazy that I just can’t handle one more thing to remember.
My house is never really clean. I don’t remember the last time I dusted. I clean bathrooms only when looking at them starts to gross me out. I can’t keep up with the dog hair and the toys. laundry is rarely ever put away. I have stacks of art projects that I need to go through and toss 90% of. There are still 9mo baby clothes in Harrison’s closet. He’s wearing 2T. In a few months, when I can finish paying off credit, I will hire a house cleaner, even though I’m at home all the time. I am working when I’m home. I can’t do both during the day.
I rarely take photos of my kids. As keeps being reminded to me by the misc grandparents. Here’s the thing though. It’s not worth the fight for professional ones. They always come out shitty, they are way too expensive and honestly I don’t have the time. Cell phone photos are just going to have to cut it right now.
I can’t (nor can my ex) afford to take a week off during spring break. In fact at this moment neither of us can afford to take off any of the multitude of days our children have off of school. Thankfully his parents asked to keep them that week. It sucks though. We can’t afford to take our kids on vacations. I hate that. I am grateful to my mother and his parents. So very grateful that they adore our kids and do amazing trips with them. But as their mother? It hurts that I can’t. That the best I can do is a weekend getaway into the mountains, or a trip to a relatives house for Thanksgiving.
People I’m not even allowed to take a sick day until after April 15th.
I’ve gotten better at cooking, but we still mostly live on grilled cheese, cereal and Chipotle. Work right now is insane and at the end of the day? I just don’t have it in me to do better than this.
I still miss Logan. Some days more than others. I’ve just learned to be quieter about it. Its not so fresh anymore. I manage just fine without him (except for that Blu Ray surround system he graciously set up for me last weekend). I do fine without him. But I miss him. I miss us. And it still some days hurts as much as it did the day he left.
I’m still broken hearted me.
Those of you you are single parents understand this. Heck, even those of you who aren’t probably get it too. I know my best friends do. Parenting is hard. It’s hard in the best of situations. Parenting three kids is hard. Some nights when they aren’t with me, I miss them so much that I cry. Some night when they are with me? I still wish for a break. I wish for help with dinner and dishes. Homework and baths. I wish for someone to help me when I’m sick, or when they are sick. I wish for days when it wasn’t one against three.
I wish that when I needed parenting advice I could ask their father (which technically I can, I just don’t often, because talking to him still hurts a lot of the time), instead of asking my best friends. I could not thank my best friends enough for always answering my parenting questions. For always listening to me. They are amazing. Yet, I feel sometimes (often) like I’m pestering them. They all have families and work too. Just as crazy of lives as I do. Yet they always listen anyway.
Some days I feel like I’m floundering. A lot of days I feel like I’m barely treading water.
I feel like my words should be just as important as someone else’s. I feel like I am allowed to say, this is hard. I feel like I should be able to complain like other people do. Without judgment. Without being told, my words aren’t as important, because I get breaks.
I’m tired and sometimes I just want to complain too.
That’s what I’ve been telling myself for a week. It’s just a silly Hallmark holiday. It means nothing. You never even liked it before. Why do you care now?
I’m not sure that I have an answer to that question. I know that today, I do care. I care because I’m alone. I care because I’m still in love with a man who stopped loving me years ago. I care because I won’t get a card. Or flowers. Or chocolates.
I know that’s lame. I do. It’s just a silly Hallmark holiday. I can buy myself chocolates and flowers if I want them. It’s more than that though.
It’s a day of love. A day of love and I only have a messed up, one sided love. A love that I can’t let go of, no matter how hard I try. A once in a lifetime love. A love that shattered my heart possibly for good. There is a huge part of me that believes I had my chance. That he was it and I screwed it up.
It’s not really the tokens of love. The flowers that will die in this climate in three days. The chocolates that I don’t need.
It’s that it’s hard to see love everywhere today and know that you used to have it. Instead of a day of love and happiness, it’s a day of sadness and regrets. At least for me.
Just a silly Hallmark holiday. Well maybe one day I’ll believe that.
So my cousin, she says to me. It’s been a year. Over a year now. Are you going to try dating?There are great dating sites out there, maybe you should try one?
Um no, I answer. I’m not ready. I don’t care to date. I’m not sure I will ever care.
You know, ever is an extremely long time.
Yes, I know that. I’m just not even thinking about it yet. Can we talk about something else though? What school did Trevor pick?
The conversation easily changes when I bring up her son and his college goals. He’s a high school football champion, getting a full ride. Boy got offered six full rides. Anyway, we talk kids for the next 15 minutes and then we hang up.
A year. It’s been a year. I don’t….
Can I be honest? Are you guys okay with that?
I’m still in love with Logan. Not in the, I’d get back together with him, way. Nor in the, I’m sitting here pining away for something lost, type of way. Those ships have both sank. Dam icebergs.
Yet, I am still in love with him. I’ve never loved anyone else. I don’t know that I’m capable of moving past this. I don’t know how to date. I’ll be completely honest, it doesn’t interest me in the least right now. The thought of dating really hasn’t crossed my mind. Not in a positive way at least. The thought of trusting someone else? I can’t imagine that. He was all I have ever known. Maybe he was it for me.
I didn’t ask for him to leave me. I’d of stayed with him forever, no matter what. I have learned to live without him. Mostly. I’m still working on that in some ways. I have gotten stronger. I do what I want, when I want and how I want. He might have broken me though. Maybe I broke me. I’m not exactly sure yet.
However, I don’t know that I believe in marriage anymore. I don’t know that I’d ever want to do it again. Truly, I can’t imagine dating right now. Maybe I’m just not there yet. Maybe I’ll never be there. Does it matter? Do I fail life if I raise amazing kids and end up alone?
Some days I’m lonely. Some days I wish I had someone there when I went to bed and when I woke up. I had that though and it was amazing. How can anyone ever compete with what I thought I had? Would I ever want anyone too? I don’t have answers. Just tons of unanswered questions.
What I am sure of is this: I am not ready to talk about dating. I am not ready to date. If that means there is something wrong with me as a person, well we’ll just add it to the already long ass list.
I was going to do a best of post. I do have a best of page, see the pretty button up there? It’s not completely up to date. But it’s close. But really? I’m not sure I’d call any of my posts great this year. Then I considered doing resolutions. I’m not actually a fan of them, so that idea got thrown out. What to do, what to do? Then I found a meme. One I actually don’t believe I’d seen before. Which is shocking after nearly six years of blogging.
Meme kindly stolen from Temerity Jane, who got it from Sundry. Hmm, maybe it’s not stealing if you ask. I did ask. I’m all nice and polite like that.
1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
I made a pie. I baked a cake. I got divorced. That last one, I don’t really recommend.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Years ago, I decided to stop making resolutions. Then I could stop felling bad about myself in February when I stopped or re-started doing whatever it was I swore I was no longer going to do. So far? That has worked out great.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
A cousin. Well my ex’s cousins daughter. She, despite her very young age, is a phenomenal mother to a chubby, drooly, rolly polly of a boy. Besides her? Um just Internet friends.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. Which is actually pleasant and surprising considering the past few years that had been filled with death.
5. What countries did you visit?
None. Well unless NYC counts, which I hear it doesn’t.
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A great job. I have one and it’s not great. One that will end soon. Which sucks. So I’d like a good job. I’d also like to not have to worry about money so much.
Confidence. In myself. In my ability to create the life I want to have.
7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 20th when I turned 30.
March 3. My 11th anniversary. It will stay in my head forever, because there won’t be a 12th.
A weekend spent in the mountains in June with just my big girl. As well as the ones in May and September where I took all of my kids. It’s a different world up there. All quiet and peaceful and beautiful.
October 14th. The day my marriage was officially over.
An entire weekend spend in California in April. It was pretty dam fun. This one in October was as well.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I made it. I know that seems silly to say. But I can honestly say, that there were many moments where I wasn’t sure. Yet, I have proved to myself over and over and over again that I am stronger than I think. I’ve bought a car. I’ve maintained my house. I’ve taken care of my kids. Alone. I’ve done it. And that is big.
9. What was your biggest failure?
If I say my divorce will you throw things at me? It’s true. My biggest failure this year was that.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I have vague memory of re-breaking my left thumb in March or something. I’m trying to block it out though.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My iPad, Stella. She was my 30th birthday gift to myself. I also bought myself a new (used) car in September. The first one I ever bought by myself, which was scary and exciting. Her name is Harper.
12. Where did most of your money go?
Divorce lawyer. Oh and bills. Lots of bills.
13. What did you get really excited about?
Visiting friends. Seeing NYC. Attending BlogHer. That was really a phenomenal trip. Also? Watching Morgan do her first dance performance. That was amazing.
14. What song will always remind you of 2010?
I have two actually. If I knew then, by Lady Antebellum and A little bit stronger by Sara Evans.
15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
– happier or sadder? Happier. This week last year? Was horrendous. I’m so thrilled to be beyond it.
– thinner or fatter? Same.
– richer or poorer? Poorer.
16. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Laughed. Spent more time outside in the summer. Cooked more.
17. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Flipped out over nothing. Worried. Stressed over the little things that I have no control over. I will say though, this year has been a year of complete change for me. I have trouble with that much change. I’ve done the best I could to get through it. As the year progressed it’s gotten easier for me to deal with things.
18. How did you spend Christmas?
Christmas Eve, I took my mom and kids to see Zoo Lights. I cooked. We opened gifts. Then? I dropped them off at their dad’s at 8pm and went home to watch movies with my mom. On Christmas, my mom and I went and hung out at my ex’s aunts house and had Christmas lunch there. It was not perfect, I’ll make some changes to it next year. But it was okay.
19. What was your favorite TV program?
New to me this year? Castle. I adore Castle. But I also still consider The Big Bang Theory and The Amazing Race in my list of favorites too.
20. What were your favorite books of the year?
Um the Percy Jackson series? Literally, I believe I read two adult books this past year. One was, It’s not You, It’s Me, by Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, which I loved. The other was Every Last One by Anna Quindlen, which was harsh but I liked. Mostly though, I’ve read kid books.
21. What was your favorite music from this year?
Sugarland’s new CD. Michael Buble. David Nail.
22. What were your favorite films of the year?
Harry Potter. I know I’ve seen others. Am blanking on them. Valentine’s Day cracked me up. So did Sex and the City 2.
23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 30. I spent an amazing day with my best friend. I had Princess Cake for breakfast. I saw Ikea for the first time. I remember crying a ton, but meh, that’s just how it ended. It was still a great day.
24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
This is a hard one for me. Can I say, living on the same street as my three best friends and call it good?
25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
I really love flip-flops.
26. What kept you sane?
My kids. My best friends. This blog community.
27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
Life is constantly changing. No matter what you think about it. The only thing one can do is move through it and hope it improves.
My wish for all of us, is an amazing 2011. xoxo, Issa
I remember this week last year. I wrote one of the hardest posts in my life. It was a post filled with love and heartache. Because, just as I said then, the two do tend to go hand and hand.
Back then, I didn’t know that I’d make it. I’d just been told one of the worst things a person can hear: I don’t love you any more, I want a divorce. I thought the pain that I was in would last forever. Melodramatic? Maybe. I tend to be that at times. Yet loosing the life I thought I knew, was (is) harsh. We’d created what I thought was a great life. Then suddenly it was gone. It’s not something I recommend actually. Not something I wanted, yet there it was.
Suddenly it was just me. I only had me to count on. I had to become my kids everything, at least when they were with me. I used to cry at night. Man I cried at night for months. I used to panic constantly. I was a complete mess for months.
Here I sit though, a year later, completely changed. Stronger. More sure of myself. Confident in my ability to make it, no matter how shitty any particular day may be. Possibly a bit more cynical and jaded. Perhaps a bit more cracked than I was before. But I made it.
Want to hear a secret? I think I’m stronger without him. I think I’ve learned to trust myself. To do things for myself. I feel stronger today than I have in years. Don’t get me wrong, my ex is not a bad guy. He’s a good guy and the best daddy I could have ever hoped for our children to have. He’s just a man who fell out of love with me.
But what I’ve realized in the past few months, is that our relationship changed three years ago, when I lost a baby and had a mini-nervous breakdown. From that day forward, our relationship changed. I don’t blame either of us on that one really. What happened was beyond our control. How we dealt with it? Changed us both forever. It was the downfall of our relationship.
Bygones.
However, I’ve never felt strong in any way since then. This past few months? I’ve started to feel it again. Even when I have a day filled with doubt and or sadness, it’s just that. A day. It doesn’t drag on for weeks. I don’t let it anymore. Yesterday was a shitty day. I can’t talk about it, because well we all learned from Dooce what you don’t talk about on your blog. Ahem. However? That was yesterday. Today is a new day. It will be okay. I will figure it all out.
I still have a long way to go. This I know. But next year? It’s going to be my year. I feel it. It has to be. I’m going to make it happen.
I hope you all have a great New Years. Thank you for supporting me this year. I love you all more than I can put into words for your continued support and encouragement.
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