Last week was amazing. A much needed break from the nightmare of the past few months.
There was sushi and cake. Lots of cake. Cupcakes and whipped cream too. There were days spent shopping. Hours spent laughing. There were long conversations with my best friend. Many, many dinners out. There were visits with friends and family and best yet, friends who are like family. There were dozens and dozens of amazingly sweet birthday messages from all of you. There was a plane ride where I talked to the nice lady next to me for two hours straight. And the plane ride where I read Ree’s new book for two hours straight.
At home after five days gone, there was happy kids. Chocolate and jelly bean day. Stuffing and hiding plastic eggs for three kids who managed to find them all. There are parents who just moved to the state after three years of planning. A grill sitting on my back patio compliments of my step-dad. And plans to paint my bedroom this coming week.
For nine full days, I had a break. A glorious, amazing, fabulous break. A much needed break. I was able to breath. I was able to laugh. The constant pain between my shoulder blades went away and my ulcers went back into hiding.
Last night as I walked toward my sleeping sick son’s room to re-dose him with Motrin, I ran smack into a wall. Yeah, I’m slick like that. It felt like being hit with reality. This morning I’m sure of it. I’ve been smacked with reality.
Today is very real. A harsh, non-fun reality. One with a job I despise and the knowledge that I need to start looking for a new one yesterday. Today there is the knowledge in how much work comes with that. How tired the very thought makes me. Today there is a sick boy who has a doctors appointment in an hour for what I know is an ear infection. Today I need to start exercising again and set down the jelly beans. Today I need to pay bills.
Yes, today is real. Today seems a bit grayer and much more lonely.
When I close my eyes though, I remember last week. I remember the smell of the moisture in the air in California. I remember the smile my dad had when I showed up to take him to lunch. I remember good food and great friends.
Hopefully it will carry me through for a while.
It’s 3am. I should be sleeping. Instead I am watching Bailey breath. In, out, in and out. I play with her hair. I kiss her last bits of remaining chipmunk cheeks. My baby isn’t a baby anymore. She’s tall and lanky and full of spunk. Yet here she is in my bed, curled around her tattered orange airplane blanket.The one leftover from the airplane room, when we thought she was going to be a boy.
I pulled her into bed with me at 1am, after an asthma attack and the subsequent nebulizer treatment. At that point, I have to watch her, even though I know she’s okay. I have to, because when I close my eyes, I see her as an 18 month old chubby cheeked baby in a hospital bed with double pneumonia. That was the year of pneumonia. Four times in one year. Two of which were spent in a hospital because her pulse ox was “not what I’m comfortable with“. When I close my eyes I see her at that age, as well as the x-rays her doctor showed us after round four. See these? These are scars. Most likely permanent scarring on her lungs. You need to keep these x-rays and remember it in the future.
Don’t worry doc, I remember. Even though it’s been years since I looked at those, I remember where all three marks are. Those are things a mother doesn’t forget.
Luck. We got lucky after that. While she’s had pneumonia many times since then, it has tapered off. She’s never again been hospitalized for it.
Today, I know she is fine. I know why she had trouble last night. There was/is a fire way too close to us. The pollen count was already way too high. It all makes for trouble breathing. I know why, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
A day spent at home, with periodic treatments and she will be fine. I know I am lucky.
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My dad has been coughing since before Thanksgiving. A bad, deep cough. The type of cough that doesn’t seem to be nothing. Yet, they couldn’t figure out what it was. He ignored it most of the time. It’s messed up his voice, it keeps him up at night, yet he decided to ignore it. He’s not a fan of doctors. When he finally went in, they decided to do a chest x-ray.
It showed spots, which his doctor didn’t believe was there before. It could be nothing, or it could be something. He scheduled him for a CAT scan. I didn’t sleep for days last week, contemplating the world case scenario.
Again. Luck. The CAT scan showed that it’s just scarring. Probably from the nearly six month cough. His blood work came back normal. They are changing his asthma meds around, in hopes that it stops the cough.
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Lungs can be scary. You need them to work. Scars on our lungs: my dad, my daughter and I all have a few. Hey, now we mach.
Today I am thankful. Thankful. Just plain thankful.
Mommy, I have a joke for you. You will laugh so hard.
Okay Noodle, give it your best shot.
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
I have no idea babe.
Poke her face.
I laugh for a good five minutes. My girl, such a little comedian. I love six. Six is a great age.
Last night, she got up three times and each time turned the hall light on. Each time, I’d wait a bit and shut it back off. I wanted to be grouchy. I really did. Yet, she’s six. When she gets up and leaves her room for any reason, she gets scared and needs tons of light. Nightlights in her room and the hall aren’t enough. She won’t be this small forever. She won’t be afraid of the hallway at night forever. She won’t come in at 6am and crawl into bed with me for long. Someday she won’t want to hold my hand in public at all times, lacing her fingers in mine. A day will come when I will embarrass her. Probably a day soon.
Not yet. Today she is six. Six is lovely.
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Bubbie you have to slow down. Say that again. Mama can’t understand. He sighs at me. My two year old sighs at me. Something he learned from his big sisters. I am exasperating him.
He is so animated. He talks with his whole body. He speaks in complete sentences and his entire self moves. At times though, he speaks too fast. When you are missing key letters in your vocabulary, you need to slow it down a bit. Ha. He has a very large personality. We have intense conversations about everything. Cars. Toy Story. His blue cup. The moon. Why dogs can’t be ridden. Why my iPhone isn’t his, because he’s pretty sure it is. Why he “no use big boy potty yet. My big mama, but not dat big.” Why his bed at daddies house isn’t acceptable for sleeping in. “My Twain bed make me cry mama. Wah. Wah. I cry wike dat.”
He looks older and speaks as well as most three year olds, so people assume he is three. He tantrums like a not yet two and a half year old though.
I like this stage. He’s so tiring, yet so very fun. Two is entertaining.
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Morgan it does. It has red in it. I remember the red.
Mother? You need new eyes. You need to go to the doctor and say, my eyes are defective, I need new ones. Please and thank you very much kind doctor. There has never been red in that couch. Promise.
I laugh and laugh. We are at Kohls attempting to use my Kohls cash before I forget I have it and find it three minutes after it expires. We came for pillows for the futon couch in the basement. I am convinced it has red in it and well, she’s convinced I’m a lunatic.
We go back and forth on it for twenty minutes in the store. She tries to convince me to buy black or light tan pillows. It has both of these colors mom. Just those. NO RED. I want the red. I’m convinced it has red. In the end, we don’t buy any because she convinces me I will be grouchy if I come home and they are wrong.
I am wrong. There is no red. Red pillows would look weird on that futon. She only gloats for a minute.
Nine years old and full of opinions. I take her shopping with me for clothes, because she always tells me the truth. She is my memory at the grocery store, remembering that we needed Lysol wipes and Kleenex, where I’d surely have forgotten.
She is funny and opinionated and makes sure her thoughts are always known. I’ve noticed lately how she is nicer though. She has started thinking before she speaks. She listens to everything I am trying to say, before working on her rebuttal. She has started taking a few deep breaths or asking to be excused to her room for a minute before she blows up at nothing. My baby is getting big.
I like nine. Nine is a great age.
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A Sunday full of normal. A movie in bed in the morning. Blueberry pancakes. Errands. Lunch out. Video games. Laundry. Reading more chapters in books. Dinner at home. Nothing out of the ordinary.
It’s my favorite type of day. I’d really love another one. Today, I wish for a second Sunday.
“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” – Anais Nin
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I’m going to say it was sometime in early 2009 when I started seeing this funny, sweet, sarcastic, snarky woman around the Internet. In all honesty, it was the snarky side that made me befriend her at first. I love me some good snark and the girl has the gift. Quickly though, I came to realize that this woman and I were meant to be friends.
Her name is Jenna. She’s one of my best friends. Today is her birthday.
When I first met her, she was very careful to keep me at a distance. It’s something I understand since it’s something I’ve done myself for years. Her wall was very high. Lucky for her (and me), I own a trampoline. I just jumped over the dam thing. She hasn’t been able to get rid of me since then.
I don’t know where I’d be without her. She has been one of my three rocks this past two years. She always supports me and she never ever lets me give up. She has the most amazing heart in the world. She’s caring and loving. She cracks me up on a daily basis. Anyone who can put up with me as a best friend, deserves a medal.
Sadly, I’m fresh out of medals, so I figured this would have to do.
We have a lot in common. We are also complete opposites in so many ways. I mean really, the girl doesn’t drink coffee and she likes eggplant. It’s a wonder we are as close as we are. Eggplant. *shudder*
Our friendship defies all odds. It exists because of this space. Because of the wonder of the Internet. I wouldn’t have met any of my best friends without the Internet. Some say it’s weird to have best friends who live in different states. Really though, it’s not like we know any different. You couldn’t see the way we support each other through everything and then say there was something wrong with our relationship.
Then again, I don’t mind people thinking I’m weird. Who wants to be normal? Normal seems very boring.
Every day I feel blessed to have her in my life. I can’t imagine life without her in it actually. I’m really not willing to even go there. She’s stuck with me.
Happy birthday Jenna. I love you more than there are words in the world.
xoxo, Issa
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Happy Birthday Jenna. Thank you for being a part of this whole new world of true friendship. You have always been an amazing support to me and for that I am forever grateful. You were my very first online friend, and you will always have a special place in my heart. You reached out to me when you knew I needed you, and you have never let go. You offer help and support in any possible way that you can. Because of you I have a group of women that I can turn to with anything. Anything. I really don’t know what I would do without you and that’s not just because you know internet stuffs that I don’t get. Heh.
Our world of friendship is beyond amazing and is really difficult to explain, and yet very simple. We are best friends. It’s that simple. We support each other every single day. In every way, with everything. I can completely dump my life’s crap on you in an email and know that you are reading, caring, and will try to talk me off the ledge. Even if you have to bribe me with cupcakes.
I know this all might seem like a bit much to someone who is reading that may not know how close we are, but that’s okay. We get us. It works for us. That’s enough for me.
I am excited for the rebirth of Jenna and will be holding your hand through the next year and beyond. Please to be remembering how wonderful, strong, and amazing you are as a mother, friend, and woman.
Happy Birthday Love.
-Lu
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Dear Jenna,
Happiest of birthdays to you dear. With heaps of sprinkles (and some homemade caramel sauce) on top. This is one of those times that I wish I had a bottomless bank account. Not just because we could all be celebrating with you on Cupcake Fuck You Island. But because I’d be trying my hardest to buy your happiness.
And I think that might be fun.
But anyways… I don’t. So I can’t. Instead I will tell you this. You? Are amazing. And strong. And generous. And beautiful. And loyal. And a wicked awesome friend. And an expert cook. And a devoted mom. And a sarcastic joker. And pretty much just all around spectacularly wonderful. And I? Am thankful for you. And your advice. And your humor. And your recipes. And your jokes. And most of all, your friendship. I treasure it.
I know you don’t always see the super star in you. But we, your true blue friends spread across the country, see it. Stick with us kid and we’ll remind you how great you are when you need it. We’ll pick you up and carry you when you are too exhausted. And we’ll laugh and cry with you as life unfolds.
Happy birthday dear. Here is to yummy cupcakes, toddler love, insane friends, GOOD chocolate, and new beginnings. Love you.
-Liz
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Happy birthday darling.
So yeah.
I’m not sure exactly how it happened. Simply I’m sure. I was all grinchy. Now I’m not.
There were probably many reasons that helped change my mood.
When I got home from Thanksgiving, there were a few boxes at my house. A gift I’d bought my mother. A gift I’d bought my son. A little somethin somethin I bought my best friends. Ahem. Still, it was just a few boxes.
The next day, I got a few great deals on toys for my younger two kids. Simple, yes. But it made me happy, since I’d missed shopping on Black Friday.
I made a decision on what Christmas would look like this year. I made concessions for family, yet I also did it in a way that made me feel okay about it. I started planning other things to do with my kids. Starting new traditions if you will.
A few days ago, a few boxes of Candy Cane Joe-Joes arrived from my mommy. For some reason, my house just felt more Christmasy after that. I guess the way to my heart, is in Christmas cookies from Trader Joe’s. Ha.
On Saturday, I went and dug out the Christmas boxes in my basement. I suddenly decided, it’s time to make it feel festive around here. Surprisingly, I found a bag full of ornaments that I believe I bought in January this year at 85% off. It was neat, like finding a gift I left myself. Each of them made me smile.

Then I went shopping. I still went small, but I managed to get each of my kids things that they will love. (Nothing on Credit!) I decided I’d do stockings for them, even though they will spend the night at their dad’s house. Stockings have always been my favorite part.
Then….well, the only thing left was getting a Christmas tree. I’d been thinking, oh I’ll get a weeny little tree. Yeah, that didn’t happen. I took one look at the weeny trees and decided it wasn’t my deal. So? I bought a pretty 6ft tree. My house smells divine.
Last night we decorated my large ass Christmas tree. See?? (Presents under it are actually my daughter’s birthday presents and a few gifts I have for other people. I’m not nice enough to let my kids touch and prod their own gifts for weeks.)
It wasn’t one thing, I believe it was all of it. At some point though? I re-found my love of this season. **Takes off Grinch Hat**
For more 30 days of truth: Day 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
I have to be honest, this one seems like tempting fate to me. I’m not sure I want to do it. I can see why so many people have wanted to bail on this one. You don’t want to say the words. You don’t want to offend the people who have had this happen. You really want to stick your fingers in your ears and go, lalalalalalalala, I can’t hear you.
I have two actually. Two things that would probably just kill me. So I will say them and then I will move on okay?
I hope I never, ever, ever have to bury my children. I don’t believe I could survive that. We are supposed to make them bury us one day. When we are very old and decrepit. That is all.
I hope that I never have to tell my family what happened to me as a kid. To tell my mother, would kill her. It just would. I will never do it. Never.
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See? I’m moving on. Basically it’s like two posts in one. Because that shit is just too depressing to be the only thing. Especially after I had a pretty decent weekend.
I’m going to do a grateful list. To counteract the words I said up there. My, I am grateful for these things this past weekend, list.
1. Best friends. I have the greatest best friends in the world. Truly, I do.
2. Other amazing friends. Friends who will listen. Friends who will talk. Friends who crack me up on a daily basis. Friends who kick my ass at Words With Friends and make jokes about how they could go easy on me.
3. Peppermint mocha’s at Starbucks. Also known as crack in a cup.
4. Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. Ones that are almost as good as the person who gave me the recipe…but not quite. I actually love that. That hers are still better than mine.
5. Ending my weekend, reading in bed to three crazy little kids. Listening to their weekend adventures with their daddy. Smelling baby shampoo on their heads. Cuddling, smooshing and loving on them, makes me grateful. Every day. Always.
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Finally….this photo, which I took on Friday night, still makes me giggle. I tried to send it to FAIL Blog but I don’t think I’m that gifted. Anyway, for your viewing pleasure:
Sometimes I get down, when I realize I have no one here. It can be very lonely. All of my friends live elsewhere. My three best friends, each live in different states, scattered over the US. There are days where I’d give just about anything to be able to go have coffee with them at their houses. To sit and talk. To go to dinner. Something. Anything. There are days when it makes me feel bad to know that without the Internet, I’d have no friends and social life.
Other times I realize how absolutely lucky I really am. I have the greatest friends in the world. People all over the US who I am lucky enough to call true friends. People I can chat with, text with and email with. People I could call if I needed someone to talk too. People who would open up their home to me for a few days, if I was in their area. People who take me, as me; just as I am. You can’t beat that type of friendship. I count myself blessed every day that I have it.
I spent a long weekend in California. A long amazing weekend. It wasn’t amazing because I did extraordinary things. I was just there. I spent time with friends. I played Angry Birds Halloween. I watched my friends son, when she ended up having to take her daughter to urgent care. I got sick on my last night there. Life you know? Just normal life.
It’s the small things though, the small moments that help me stay positive when I am home. The small moments that I can pull out and look at in my head later, on days when I need them. These are the things that remind me that I’m not alone.
Things like spending a few hours sitting on a couch, talking and laughing about the idiocy of sports figures. *cough* Brett Farve *cough* Making fun of a certain pitcher who has now famous facial hair. Joking about his weirdness. Reminding ourselves and each other that just because they do one thing so well that we all know who they are, doesn’t really make them anything other than human beings, who just happen to be famous.
Things like spending a day running errands with my best friend. Do I care that we went grocery shopping? Nope. We did other things too. But I don’t care that we did the normal things that all of us have to do every week. Doesn’t matter. I spent a day with my best friend. That’s all that matters.
An afternoon spent with this amazing woman, who drove a total of 18 hours this weekend, with her three children, to spend a few hours with friends. Priceless she said in her post and I have to say, I fully agree. At the end of the afternoon, we both stood there, continuing to talk, not wanting to leave the mall, even though the reality was, we were both going home to change, to then have dinner together. But she knows, as well as I do, how precious these minutes can be.
Dinner at a cozy restaurant with four friends. A conversation that covered a little bit of everything. Simple, easy, fun. Trying to hug people enough times until we meet again.
A day spent talking with friends, about sleep training, how fast the newborn phase goes and laughing about the most coveted baby toy on the market sounding exactly like a dog toy. Nom’ing on tiny baby cheeks.
Playing swords with two crazy little kids one night. Watching him play soccer a few times. Laughing as she does crazy things, such as eating an entire spoonful of butter at brunch, instead of her muffin. Knowing that I adore these kids as much as I could possibly adore kids that aren’t mine.
Was I sad to go home yesterday, yes. I always am. However, I’ve gotten better about it. I know now, there will be a next time. I’ve proved that to myself. These are my people, there will always be a next time.
I drink these moments up. Soak them into me, as deep as they’ll go. All the way to the bones in my toes. I hold onto them, knowing that it will be awhile before the next time. It’s not the same, as if I lived close to all these people, but it’s still great. I’ll take it when I can get it and know, that they are all here for me, even when it’s just over this crazy Internet world.
I have some things I need to tell you all he said. People kept talking. He stood there in front of us until everyone stopped. It only took a minute or two. He had that ability. He had a presence. He wasn’t super tall. He was rather skinny. He didn’t raise his voice. He just had a presence.
When he had our attention, he said: so I need to be honest with you all. This year, this class, all of you, will be the last children I ever teach. At the end of the year I will retire.
I remember being shocked. He was the most loved teacher in our school. He was old, but not old. My mom now says, he was only in his late 40′s at the time. He was tough and real and never took shit from anyone. But the entire school wanted to be in his class. The staff loved him, all the parents loved him, he was that guy. The guy that you hope knows your name. He taught fifth grade. We were ten years old. I remember wanting to be in his class from second grade on.
He continued talking.
This year is my last year teaching, because I have a disease called ALS. Also known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease. I am one of Jerry’s kids. He explained to us his disease. Explained how it would debilitate him slowly. That it attacks your muscles and would eventually attack his heart and lung muscles. He explained what being one of Jerry’s kids meant. Most of us sat there and cried. I found out this summer, he told us. They’d been testing me for various things for a year. We figure I’ve had it for up to five years.
The kid next to me raised his hand. He was the morbid kid. I’d swear there was one in every class. Jeremy was ours. The kid who read Stephen King Novels at recess. We all made fun of him for that. His death and dying weird fascination, I think made us all nervous. (Then again, he’s a heart surgeon now and probably makes more money than the rest of the class, so um Jeremy? I’m sorry. Yay Stephen King novels at ten years old.) That day though, he asked the question we all wanted to ask. Are you dying?
Yes, was the answer. But you know, we are all dying. One day, we all die. I’m a lot older than any of you. It’s just god’s plan. I guarantee you though, I won’t die on you this year.
I could have stopped teaching, he said. But I thought to myself, if I have three good years left, which is what they tell me, I want one more year to influence you all. I want one more year to do some good in the world. To teach you. Teaching has always been my favorite thing to do. I will do it for one more year and then I will travel with my wife and children for however long I am able.
I picked each of you by hand. The 22 of you in this class need to know, that I hand picked you. They don’t normally let us do that, pick kids ourselves. Normally what happens is your teachers from last year get together and place you in the following years classes. Yet this year they let me. Each of you is here for a reason. You don’t have to know why, just know I wanted the honor of teaching you all.
Then he answered some questions, explained to us that all of our parents would be in the class at various times helping out and then he moved onto our math lesson. Oh wait, one more thing he said…..sometimes I can’t feel my boogers. So y’all just tell me if you see them okay? We all laughed. The fact alone was that a teacher just said boogers out loud. It was funny. It broke the ice. He in one sentence went from being the guy who is dying, back to being our silly teacher.
Mr. A was a great teacher. He was insane though. Or insane to a ten year olds mind. He made us learn Square Dancing. One day a week (the day without art, gym or computer class) for the entire year, he made us Square Dance. He was convinced we may need it later in life. It’s very popular don’t you know? Square Dancing. Snort. We never got to pick out own dance mate. He did it for us. Square Dancing at ten years old. It was torture.
He made us sit in desk groups of four. Two boys and two girls to a group. If you were a girl, you had a boy next to you and across from you. Every few weeks, we’d come in on a Monday and he’d of completely rearranged them again. We’d get to play the fun game of, find your desk again.
Once a week a parent came in and did some type of project with us. My mom did paper mache somethings. I can’t remember what, but I remember doing it. Others did science projects, cooking class, music….one woman even tried to teach us yoga.
Mr. A threw major Halloween, Christmas and Valentines day parties. We learned how to make Latkes for Hanukkah. We made kites for Chinese New Year. He thought any holiday deserved to be celebrated, so we celebrated them all. We’d learn about it one week and then the next week, all extra activities would be about it.
He took us, along with a ton of parents, camping for three days at the end of the year. He said it was good life training for us city kids. We needed to learn about dirt, trees and rocks. No other class or teacher did that. We all raised the money for this ourselves. We ran bake sales. We washed cars. It was a major class project.
If we went and told him a boy was teasing us, he’d say, awwww he’s just sweet on you, you go on now and tell him thank you. Ha. We never got sympathy on that.
He told us stories of “back in the day”. He could have written for Bill Cosby. Seriously.
He made us act out the stories we read. He made each of us, read out loud and take turns writing things on the board.
He didn’t tolerate back-talking, name calling, fighting or the petty drama that ten year old girls tend to thrive on, in his class.
He knew all of our parents and siblings by name.
He was a great teacher. I strove to get all A’s in his class, even though I had trouble with math and spelling that year. We all strove for greatness in his class. Not because he was sick, but because he believed in us. He believed we could be great. He believed in us. In turn, we believed in him. I’ve never since had that great of a teacher. I’ve had quite a few good ones, but none that I’d call great.
He did exactly what he said. He taught us for that last year and then he took off in an RV for nearly 18 months with his wife and two grown children. He lived in my neighborhood, so I saw him a few more times once they got back. Each time he looked more like an 80 year old man, than a man around 50. When he passed away, halfway through my 8th grade year, 700 people showed up at his funeral. 700 people. Family, friends, teachers, students old and young, showed up to pay their respects. They literally closed school that day.
20 years later and I remember him and that year, more than any school year prior. The man left his mark.
Six emails. Over the last two weeks, I’ve received six emails from Hallmark reminding me of Grandparents Day. On SEPTEMBER 12th!!!! Send a card. Don’t forget!!!! Which is all well and good. Grandparents deserve a day.
The problem? Grandparents Day was yesterday. I am fresh out of Grandparents. The day before Halloween, I will have officially lost all of mine in the past eight years. Also? Yesterday was the two year anniversary of my Grandpa’s death.
It’s been two years, but it still sometimes feels like yesterday. Yesterday? All the reminders of what day it was and what I should be celebrating, were hard. Downright hard. I was sad. I still am.
His face smiles at me in my hallway. It’s a great photo, taken the year before the heart surgery when I was seventeen. You can see the twinkle in his eyes. Before all professional photos, right as the person was about to tell them to smile, he’d make an inside joke to my Grandma. It always made for great pictures. They always looked like they’d just been laughing. Because they had. It took me a year to be able to look at that photo without crying. After his death, I almost took it down. It was just too hard. Too painful. I tried not to look at it for the longest time. Each time I forgot and looked, I cried. Now, most days, it makes me smile.
When something good happens, I want to call him. To tell him about it. I want to call him and Grandma and check on them. I wonder what they’d think about everything that has happened this past year. Maybe in some ways, it’s better they are gone. There are some things, I’m glad I don’t have to try and explain. But mostly, I wish I could call and hear their voices.
When I got my iPhone last month, I deleted their number from my phone. It hadn’t been thier number since December of 2008, when Grandma went into Hospice, yet I’d kept it in my phone that entire time.
If I close my eyes, I can picture them. I can see their house. Hear their voices. I remember going to work with Grandpa as a kid. Where he’d pay me to move bricks from one pile to another. I remember trips to Braums for ice cream. Two weeks every summer at their lake house. The way anywhere we went, he knew someone. He always said, oh this is my granddaughter. Yes, my youngest daughters, girl. You’ve met her before right? The pride in his voice when he’d tell people about my mom and her accomplishments. I remember it all. I close my eyes and I see him holding each of my girls as newborns. It makes me so sad to think that he passed two weeks before Harrison was born. That I was never able to take my son to meet him.
It’s hard. Hard to lose the most influential man in your life. It’s weird to say that loosing your grandfather was probably harder than loosing your dad will be one day, but for me, it’s true. Just because you know your grandparents won’t live forever, doesn’t make it any harder to have it become a reality.
From him, I learned to be a hard worker, no matter how much I despise my job. From him, I learned that family is the most important thing. That your friends, can be your family too. That helping people, is it’s own reward. That ice cream is a good idea, no matter the time of day.
I am a better person because I had him in my life. I just wish he was here, so I could send him a Hallmark card and tell him that.
This post is a part of the 2,996 project.
Years ago, I signed up for the 2,996 project. The idea was to write about someone who died in the World Trade Center on September 11th. We were each given a random name of someone we’d likely never even heard of. The idea was to give each of them a face. To help the world see, that these were not nameless strangers who lost their lives that day. They were loved ones, friends, family, people we’d all know. They each could have been our neighbors.
We wrote to honor them. We wrote to remember them.
It worked. At least the remembering part. I hope it honors them as well, but I do know that I remember.
The name I was given was a man named Thomas J. Kennedy. Tom. He was a husband, a father, a son, a brother, uncle and cousin. He was a firefighter. One of a group of guys from Ladder Company 101 in Brooklyn, who all didn’t make it home that night. He died how he lived, a true hero.
This man, he got into my heart. His story, his life, has touched me forever.
Last month, when I was in NYC, my friend Kari and I walked from Battery Park to where the towers once stood. We stood there in awe. It’s shocking to see for the first time. To imagine how in the world two huge towers could have ever been right there. We told each other our stories, where we’d been on that day. How we both were up early and happened to be watching the news, as the second plane hit. Which, might not seem that strange, but the time it was in California when it happened, makes it a chance occurrence. We told each other about the people we knew who should have been there, but managed not to be. Again, more chance. I told her how scary it was for me, 6 months pregnant to wonder what type of world I was bringing my daughter into. As we stood there, I remembered Tom. I stood there, in that spot, looking at the skyline, looking at the construction and the fence with the photo of what will be there next year and I remembered Tom. I thought about him that day. I’m thinking about him today. Each year on this day, I promise to think about him. To wonder about his wife. To hope his boys are growing up to be strong, solid boys that their dad would be proud of.
Today, just like last year and previous years and next year as well, I honor Thomas J. Kennedy.
When I signed up for the 2,996 project, I had no idea which name would be sent to me. I didn’t know if I’d get a man, woman or child. I didn’t know if that person would be young or old. From America or from another country. It didn’t really matter to me. I just wanted to be able to remember someone who was no longer here. I wanted to be a part of something wonderful. I feel that this tribute is wonderful. When we talk about people who are no longer with us, it keeps their memory alive. At least that’s what my mother always told me and I have no reason to doubt this.
What I didn’t know in accepting a name was that the person would get into my world. The name I though I was getting, became a person. A man, with a life and people who loved him. A man, not to much different from my husband, brother or dad. And he got in. I let him in. As I searched the web for him, I found more and more. Just small things here and there, but the pieces came together like a puzzle. As I found more pieces, I grew more attached. How funny to grow emotionally attached to a man you’ve never met. But I did anyway. That’s when I started getting worried about this post. Could I do it right? Could I make you feel the way I do about this man? To care about him, even thought you’d never heard his name? Well, I’ll have to give it a try.
Thomas J. Kennedy (Tom) was born on January 24, 1965 at 12:45pm. He was born in the car right in front of the hospital. His parents, Eileen and Bill had trouble getting there in time because of a bad snowstorm. He had two older brothers, Brian and Bob. He had blond hair and “the bluest eyes in the world” according to his mom. She also has said on his memorial site that he was funny, always cracking jokes and a gentle patient man who everyone loved. His father, Bill said that he loved all babies and kids and they tended to gravitate towards him, because he spoke to them like they were adults. He also loved to ski and be on boats.
Tom was married to a woman named Allison and had two baby boys, Michael and James, who were two and 10 months when their father died. He was a hands on dad who loved to spend time with his boys, bathing them and reading them Goodnight Moon every night. This is the same book, I read to Morgan and Bailey. I read somewhere that he wanted to have five kids, but two was all he was around long enough to have. His eyes lit up every time he told someone about his boys. His aunt said she’d never seen him happier than on the days his sons were born. He loved being a husband and father.
Tom was at the World Trade Center that day because he was a firefighter with the Ladder Company 101 in Brooklyn. His company was one of the first on the scene because their firehouse was just across the east river from downtown Manhattan. There were seven guys “brothers” who went in together. None of them made it out. They all died heroes, having saved many lives that day. Tom when in to try and save more people, when the towers fell. He died doing what he loved, what he lived for. Even before she knew what had happened to her husband, Allison knew that he wasn’t afraid to go into the fire. She said “they were all excited to go into the fire. That’s what they live for.” “They didn’t have fear, that we as civilians would have. They didn’t ever think they wouldn’t come out of a fire, ever.” He had no way of knowing that September 11th, 2001 would be the last day of his life. That it would be the last day he’d ever see his wife and sons. That he’d die a hero. And I can’t say it for certain, but even knowing it, he may have gone in anyway. It is what firefighters do. He was a firefighter, it is their job to protect people. They all know the risk. Everyday when they go to work, they are putting themselves at risk. For us. For people who they don’t know.
Everything I read about Tom was a glowing memory of his life. People he’d saved through the years. People who thought they were going to die, but instead he came to their rescue. Some called him a hero, others an angel. There were stories from family and friends. Stories about fishing with nephews, playing hide and seek with his nieces, skiing with friends, being there for his family. Everyone said how wonderful his boys are, that his wife is doing a wonderful job with them. There are wonderful stories about her too. People say that their son Michael looks like her, but James is the spitting image of him. People tell stories about the boys too, how big they are, smart and sweet and caring and how they are each others best friends. I’m sure Tom would love to know that. In fact, he probably does.
Tom never saw his youngest son walk. Never walked his boys into pre-school or kindergarten. Never taught his boys to ride bikes, read, catch fish. He’ll never get to teach them to drive or how to be nice to girls. He won’t be there when they get married and have babies of their own. Thomas J. Kennedy was a father, husband, son, grandson, uncle, nephew, friend, firefighter and a hero.
Tom did indeed die a hero, but he was a hero in life too.







