I listen to the same song all day. It’s what I do when I find a new one I love. Then on day two, I add it to a play-list. A play-list of songs I’m in love with. The current one has about twelve songs on it. It varies, depending on my mood. Music is on in my house, from the second I wake up, until I go to bed. (Except when the TV is on in the evenings.) Music is as important in my life, as breathing. In fact, it helps me breath. I could live without a lot of things, but not without music.
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On a morning like today, after a night of almost no-sleep, I tend to get panicky. It happens after over-thinking all night long. This morning, I reached for my iPhone before I got too far. An email. A photo. A few texts. I instantly felt the panic subside. I am not alone. This morning, in my house, in my bed, I was not alone. Even though, no one else is here (except the dog), I stopped feeling so alone.
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Walgreen’s near my house has Slurpee’s. There is something so off about that.
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There is a job interview tonight. Will it be the one? Will it be what I need? Can I get my own health insurance, since they don’t offer it.? I don’t know. What I know is that after work, I have a job interview. Even if it’s not right, at least I know I’m moving forward. I could really use some good thoughts tonight, if you have any to spare.
I feel it creeping in. Like a cold, it shows up so slowly that it takes a while to notice it’s there. It starts out in my chest making it feel a bit heavy. I can explain that away at first. Maybe it’s just part of the cold I had last week. Maybe it’s the cold windy weather. I try to explain it away.
Next it creeps into my limbs making them tired and sore. I get tired all of the time, yet I have trouble falling and staying asleep. We did too much this weekend, I think at first. Yet I know that’s not really it.
By then it’s in. It starts to attack my head. It makes me tired and grouchy. It makes me sad. It makes me over question everything. I start to worry about nothing. About everything.
It does this to me. Depression does this to me.
I’m fighting it. I feel like I’m fighting it tooth and nail. Some days, I’m not sure I’m going to win. Today it has won. Depression 1, Issa 0.
My mind moves a million miles a minute. It always has. I’d bet that I’m as close to having ADHD as one can be without actually having it. Or well with being as lazy as I tend to be. What was I saying?
Ah yes, my mind. It’s fast. It moves miles a minute. I do things all day at a mile a minute. I work all day, yet I also manage to email my friends, to talk to people on Twitter and to play games on WWF. I can do it all at once. I am a multi-tasker extraordinaire. If there were such a title on Wikipedia, I’d bet they’d have my photo on there.
People always ask me, how can you keep up. In reality, I can’t. I just am able to do enough at once, that it seems like I can. It’s the appearance that I give off, I suppose.
The truth? Is that it’s exhausting. I’m a speed reader, but the more I try to do, the less I really catch. My reader is constantly out of hand. I have blogs in there that I don’t even like anymore, but I feel obligated to read them. More and more, I am closing, opening and closing Twitter, without saying a thing. The more I try to keep up, the less I am able to keep up.
It doesn’t help that there is Christmas to deal with and relatives to deal with. It doesn’t help that my kids will be off school for two weeks and I still have to work 80% of that time.
I’m getting too scattered, because I’m trying to do too much. In the end, I’m getting nothing done. Nothing at home, nothing online. I still get my work done….but you know, they pay me. Blogging for me is a hobby.
Do you know that I can’t tell you what happened in 75% of the TV shows I’ve watched this season? I can’t tell you, because I’m also playing on Twitter, or trying to read blogs while I watch TV.
I need to start to slow it down. To learn to do one thing at a time. To be on Twitter, if I want to be on Twitter, not while I’m doing 72 other things. I need to read blogs when I want to read blogs, not because I feel obligated. When I read them, I need to just read them, not also be playing on Twitter.
I am exhausted right now. I’ve taken on too much. I do too much. It’s time to slow down some. It’s time to learn to do one thing at a time.
I have, in the past six months or so, stopped being online much the nights and weekends that I have the kids, except for the occasional tweet sent from my phone. This has been good for them. For me too. Yet, I also need to have nights where I just sit and do nothing for me, when I don’t have them. I need to watch TV more. It sounds silly, I’m sure. The idea of me saying I need to watch more TV. It’s not just that though. I never just relax. I never just sit and do nothing. Even when I’m doing something like playing Angry Birds, I generally am doing three other things. It’s that I’ve let this become a second job. One that I do not get paid for. One that I probably put as many hours a week on, as I do with my paid job.
I dearly love blogging. I love this online world. It’s saved me this past year. It’s helped me learn to be okay this year. You all have helped me more this year than I can even begin to tell you.
But for myself, for my sanity? I have to slow it down.
Next year? I want to write a book. A full book. One that I don’t trash halfway through. That is my goal for next year. To write the novel that is swimming in my head. The only way for me to have time to do that, is to slow down my online life a bit. I’ll still be here. I’ll still write. I’ll still read. I’ll still even be on Twitter. Just not as much.
Hopefully I can learn to do this. This slowing of my life a bit. Hopefully you all will still visit me, if I start posting one less time a week. I can hope. I’m sure it’s a silly fear, that you all will forget me. I have that fear though. I still have to try though. For me. I have to try for me.
Did you know Dial-up still exists? Yeah, I didn’t. It still makes the lovey eeeeeooooooeeeeeooooo noises. Followed by the happy boing boing boing noise when it connects. Only to die five minutes later. I had to laugh at my aunt and uncle. When I mentioned that they could get satellite Internet, since they have satellite TV, my aunt said, why would I want more expensive Internet, since it dies all of the time. It wouldn’t die all the time if you had INTERNET FROM THIS DECADE!!!! Oh…I guess that makes sense. Snort. Yes, yes it does.
So needless to say, I spent the weekend in the boondocks. No Internet. No Starbucks. No real cell reception. It was actually really pleasant. Except when I wanted to text people. Anyway. Let’s see what all I can remember in my tired, exhausted, they messed up my coffee today, state of mind.
TSA: Yeah. People are insane. It literally took us 10 minutes to get through security each way. My kids and I weren’t patted down. I in fact, didn’t see a single pat down. There were big scanners that you stepped into….but only if you set off the metal detector. Truly it was no big deal. It was the fastest I’ve gotten through security in years.
Flying: My kids are really great fliers. I saw so many kids that weren’t. When our plane was delayed on Wednesday night? We went and ate dinner. They raced around in an area that had no people. They played, ride the moving walkways. They played iSpy. Then? My son fell asleep in the stroller and the girls put in a movie. We didn’t end up getting to my aunt and uncles till 2am Thursday. On the way back, my son had discovered Cat in the Hat on the iPad. I’d put a few movies on each of the girls iTouch’s, as well as on my iPhone and iPad, so they’d have a selection to choose from. Harrison spent the entire movie saying, oh silly cat hat. He was pretty dang funny. At the end of the flight a baby two rows back had ear trouble and screamed the last 20 minutes. He kept asking me: why baby cry, mama? Because her ears hurt, I’d say each time. Oh poor bebe, ear owie.
Food: Awesome. That’s really all I can say about that. My uncle even made turkey that I liked. At least the first day. Once it had been in the fridge, I wasn’t that into it. But still, it was tasty that first day. Pie. Lots of it. Mmmmm pie.
Cactus: We were in Arizona. We saw tons of cactus’s. None of my children were very impressed. The funniest thing though, was that they were everywhere. Some people I suppose thought the real ones weren’t enough, so they put in fake ones. EVERYWHERE. This one, was some sort of a fountain.
Family: It was nice to be around the part of my family that has no drama. Because we didn’t invite the rest of them. Ha. This was possibly the easiest Thanksgiving I’ve had in years. My aunt and uncle are nice and easy to be around. My mom was there. She and my aunt took my girls and my cousins daughter to see Beauty and the Beast on Saturday, which they adored. One thing though? My cousin has three kids. Her boys are 17 and 6 and her daughter is almost 9. They are quiet kids. Sweet, nice, polite, well behaved and dam quiet. I am so not used to quiet kids. Mine are sweet, nice, polite, pretty well behaved and chatty as all get out. They never stop talking.
Art/craft show: On Friday, I let myself be talked into it. I mean, really, what else was I going to do? Not shop. I had no room in my suitcase. Anyway. We all went to this craft fair thing. These were possibly the things I loved the best. I mean honestly, don’t you all want one???? You could collect the set.
Oh one more thing. This was in front of a grocery store. I swear, there were more odd statues than I’ve probably ever seen.
It was a great, but completely exhausting weekend. I barely slept, so I’m feeling slow this morning. I hope you all had a great weekend.
I am. I am the holiday Grinch this year. I could pretend it is different. But I’d just be lying.
I don’t want to do Christmas. I don’t really want to think about it. I’ve decided I’m not doing cards this year. It’s too expensive and way too much work.
My brother isn’t doing Christmas this year. He’s going to move after New Years, so all of his money is going to that. Which means he won’t be here, he won’t be sending cards of gifts and he begged my mom and I to not send him anything. I don’t care about the gift part, but I’m sad he won’t be here.
I honestly don’t have the money to do much. Not for Christmas. Not for Morgan’s ninth birthday in a few weeks. I spent money to take us away for Thanksgiving. Four plane tickets for Thanksgiving is pricey.
Divorce is pricey. That’s the truth of the matter. I spent a lot of money this year on that. Shrug. It just is what it is. But I’m just not willing to pretend to spend money, that I really don’t have to spend.
I don’t know what the holidays will look like this year. Last year was pure torture. Logan and I were not in a good place. It was downright miserable. Somehow the thought of it just being me, doesn’t make it sound any better. It should, but it doesn’t yet. It sounds depressing. I decided that I will have the kids Christmas Eve, he will have them Christmas day. In theory, this makes us both happy. This is my chance to make new memories, new traditions with my kids. I can make this my way, however I want that to be.
In reality? I’m just not happy with any of it.
I know at some point, I will need to decorate. For my kids sake. Although, how I put lights on my house, alone, I have no idea. How I carry a tree inside my house and set it up alone, I don’t know that either. I will, but the thought of it makes me very tired.
But dam it, if it were up to me? I’d cancel all of it. Just skip it this year.
Just call me Grinch. Issa Grinch.
1. Next year I’d like to leave the country for Halloween. Preferably to a country that doesn’t know what Halloween is. My reasons why, are as follows:
1.a. The expensive, purchased by my mother, costume that Morgan just HAD TO HAVE, suddenly wasn’t what she wanted to wear, at 4pm yesterday. She’d worn it on Friday to school, therefore it was old and now uncool. Sigh. The life of an almost nine year old who thinks she is seventeen. She managed to find enough stuff in our play clothes to form herself a new costume. Some sort of pirate witch. As aggravated as I was? I am also sorta impressed. I mean, the girl looked great. But I was super freaking annoyed.
1.b. Bailey reached a level of sugar insane-ness yesterday that can only be called epic tantrum meltdown insanity. That about covers it. I nearly didn’t let her go out, in her sweat pants and shirt with barely any make-up on. She was supposed to be a mummy, but wouldn’t let me wrap her up. Lucky for her, she’s six and cute, so I let her live. Also, people still gave her candy.
1.c. At 3pm yesterday, my ex’s aunt brought us the ugliest pumpkin ever. To carve. At 3pm on Halloween. Yeah, it didn’t happen. It sat on my porch all lonely and un-carved. She had good intentions. She only bought it, because it was for charity, but still. A pumpkin. The day of Halloween.
1.d. I was stupid enough to think that if I let the kids eat candy all weekend, they’d not want it by today. FAIL. They all thought they should get some at breakfast this morning. Uh no.
Like I said, next year? NO HALLOWEEN!!!!!!
2. I should not be allowed to be on Twitter while under the influence of NyQuil. If you’d like proof of why, well you’ll have to go look at my Tweets from Friday night. If you choose to do this however, please don’t think less of me.
3. Most people agree with me, that Willy Wonka, never should have been re-made. They ruined it.
That is all. I hope you all had a great Halloween. Tell me, what were your kids? Did you dress up?
ps. Can we hold off on all the dang Thanksgiving talk for at least a week? Please? I am just not ready.
1. Tomorrow morning, at the butt crack of dawn, I am leaving on vacation. I will be home on Tuesday. I need this trip. I need a few days away from my life. A few days of hanging out somewhere else. Eat cupcakes to my divorce. Something, ya know? I am so excited for this trip, however the time that my flight is in the morning, makes me question my own sanity.
2. I have had trouble sleeping the past few nights. I’d been in a better sleeping stretch for a while, but it seems to have left me. Have you seen it? I’d really like it back.
3. Last Saturday, Morgan had her very first dance recital. She has now been hit by the dancing bug. She wants to double up on her dance classes. Which would be fine if I didn’t have two other children who deserve to take classes too. She loved being on the stage and having everyone clap. I’m not even bragging when I tell you that my girl has mad skills. She is a great dancer. Truly.
4. I can’t decide whether I will post while I’m gone or just not bother. We’ll see. I’d have to write said posts today and I’m just not sure I have the energy for that. If I don’t? Well I will be seeing you all next week.
5. Yesterday Mom101 started National Thank a Blogger Day. You can also see it on Twitter with the hashtag, #thankablogger. I love her for this and a ton of other reasons. This one though? Is a great idea. It was nice to see everyone thanking others yesterday. I could thank people for the next three days and I don’t think I’d be able to mention everyone. Mostly though? I’d like to thank all of you. Those who are my friends. Those of you who comment. Those of you who read and never comment. Thank you. Each of you, for being here for me for the past few years. I don’t know what I would have done without all of you.
What? It’s not easy to come up with post ideas all the time. Plus sometimes, I just get tired of posting about my life.
You can’t tell me you wouldn’t steal a great idea from your friends. Ha. I admit, I love this idea. I adore books. I absolutely love reading. I do not do nearly enough of it these days, but that’s okay. I have the rest of my life to read books.
When I was little I wanted to live in a library. I was convinced it was the greatest place in the world. I remember a book, although I can’t remember the name of it, where a couple of kids were locked in a library one night. To me it sounded like heaven. Being locked in a library. I always had three or four books I was reading at the moment. When I’d get in trouble? My mom would take away the books I was currently reading for a few days. She knew, it was the thing that made the most point in my head.
I spent hours in bookstores as a teen. My girls and I can spend hours in one now. My kids and I all love to read. I love nothing more than watching them curl up in a chair with a book…or the Kindle.
Anyway, I stole this post idea from Anymommy. She’s nice though. She loves me despite my thieving ways.
Books I’ve read more than three times: Harry Potter series. Rise & Shine by Anna Quinlan. Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.
Author that blows me away with brilliance: Harry Potter series, truly the woman is brilliant. C.S. Lewis. Rick Riordan. Judy Blume. Dr. Suess. Yes, they all write kids book. The thing though? Is that for me, anything that gets a kid to read, is a book worth reading. Also, I’ve always loved kids books. Plus all that I’ve listed, are brilliant.
Authors I choose again and again: Anna Quindlen. Zora Neale Hurston. Alice Hoffman. Billie Letts. Rebecca Wells.
I’m currently reading: Number the Stars by Lois Lowry. Because Morgan wants to read it and I need to be prepared for her questions. How do I explain the Holocaust to my eight year old? I’m not exactly sure I know yet. I also just downloaded Alexa Stevenson’s book. It is next on my list.
Best books I’ve read this year: I haven’t read a ton of books this year that weren’t kids books. Um…The Time Travelers Wife maybe? It wins by default. I did like it though. Oh wait, I also read Every Last One by Anna Quindlen. Which I also really liked.
Could not finish classic: Sense and Sensibility. In fact, I can’t stand Jane Austen.
Could not finish modern: The Poisonwood Bible. Also, Revolutionary Road, The Shack, The Help and every book written by Emily Giffin.
Best book I’ve ever read: Their Eye’s Were Watching God, by Zora Neale Hurston.
Guilty pleasure: Okay and this is lame….but Catherine Coulter has a set of FBI novels that I love. Each time she puts out a new one, I buy it in days.
Best preschool age book: Stellaluna. The Monster at the end of this book. The story of Ferdinand. Bluberries for Sal. Dr. Suess. The Napping House.
Best elementary school/early chapters: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. Percy Jackson. The Ramona Series. Bunnicula. The Borrowers.
Best tween: Harry Potter Series. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
Don’t see the movie first: Meh, I never care. A movie is a movie. A book is a book.
Book tons of people loved that I hated: The Shack, The Help, Twilight, Life of Pi, Memoirs of a Geisha, anything written by Jodi Picoult.
Best classic: To Kill a Mockingbird.
Classic every American should read: To Kill a Mockingbird. 
Best children’s classic: The Secret Garden.
Best nonfiction: The back of the cereal box or the back of the shampoo bottle is the closest I’ve come in years.
I am way too tired to form real thoughts this morning. It can really be explained in four simple words: two year old molars. Anyway, I have a few questions for you guys, if you are willing to play along.
1. How old do you think a kid should be for a cell phone? At what age will you let your child have one?
2. What new TV show are you most looking forward to watching. Also? What is your favorite returning show?
3. How often do you change your sheets? Come on fess up. Help me out…I was having an argument about this with someone the other day.
4. What is your go-to dinner? The one you can make with your eyes closed?
5. What is your favorite memory of the summer? The best thing you did, the best thing you saw, whatever.
These are things I thought about last night. At 2am. When I wasn’t sleeping. I was kind enough to write them down. Because really, these types of things should be shared.
-Someone should invent a bra that has two different cup sizes. They could call the store, Not Just One. Or maybe, Wacky Boobie Holders. Or hi, your boobs are deformed. One of those. I am sick to death of all my bras. Either one boob is too tight and coming out the top, like a little peek at the world. Or one is fine and the other has enough room for me to stick a Kindle in there for it to read. A party could be had in that bra cup. A boobie party. There’d be room for hats too. Maybe I could stick my phone in there. Then I’d be boob calling people instead of butt calling people.
-I can’t get that dam Miley Cyrus song out of my head. Party in the USA. Could Morgan’s dance class have picked a catchier song? Jeebus. The bad part is, I smile now each time I hear the song on the radio. I’ve lost my coolness. I wonder if I ever had coolness. That maybe needs to be a 3am conversation with myself.
-I want a scone.
-Hmmm, I bet by now my cousin is in Greece. Lucky brat. Wish I could go live in Greece for three months. I wonder if I could pretend to be religious enough for a mission to Greece? Doubtful.
-This cup is seriously mildewy. I wonder if that is a word: Mildewy. I bet it would get a ton of WWF points if it is. Maybe I just made up a new word.
-Dam this kid is snoring a lot tonight. I should get up and sleep in her bed. Or move her to her bed. I’d have to get up for that. I really hope she isn’t getting sick.
-I should stop playing Angry Birds and go to bed. Or I should switch to Bejeweled. Maybe I should sleep. I’m going to need a coffee iv drip in the morning. Ohhh, another great company idea.
-Man this is going to be a stupid post.
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