I don’t remember where I saw that line, or if I heard it somewhere. It’s stuck in my mind for months and months. It may have been said to me, it may have been on the side of a bus. I think of it often.
It takes courage to feel.
Truer words have never been spoken. It does take courage. Maybe not the courage one thinks of, because we tend to think of the word in larger ways. People who run into burning buildings to save little old people. Kids fighting cancer. Anyone who stands up to a bully. Courage means all of that and more. That’s the joy of words, they tend to mean many things.
Can I tell you what else feeling your feelings does? It makes you very, very tired. I feel kinda foggy this week, if that makes sense. Which it may not. I’m not depressed. I’ve had no trouble getting up. Darkness at 5pm no longer makes me weepy. This week, so far, has been pretty decent. Yet, I feel like I’m walking around in a fog. Everything takes more energy than I have.
Last week was emotionally exhausting for me. Dealing with things that I tend to ignore, is hard. I don’t like being that person, the person who gets triggered by things in the news. I have to be honest and say, I am that person. Being triggered all week, was tiring. I am proud that I didn’t give into the depression. But it wasn’t easy.
Saying what I said the other day, wasn’t easy. I hate opening that closet and sharing what’s inside. I’d like to close that closet door and throw away the key, but I know that’s not healthy either. Tried that for years. It worked until it didn’t. I can’t do that again.
For now, I’ve re-closed that door. It means I can’t respond to your lovely, kind, supportive emails and comments. I’ve tried. Oh how I’ve tried. Just know, I appreciate every single one of you.
This week, I’m trying to be kind to myself. Last night I opened up the bag that was hiding the chocolates I bought for Christmas. My first Christmas purchase. Whatever. I will buy more. Sometimes you just need some Harry and David Treats. This week, I’ll recover from last week. Hopefully by next week, I’ll feel back to normal.
In other news, I just want to say a HUGE congratulations to my amazing friend Christy on the birth of her new baby boy yesterday.
1. Last week didn’t end well. As you probably know by the previous post about puke. I’m sorry about that by the way. It seemed like a good idea on no sleep. Luckily this week has started off better. Early, but better.
2. I made pumpkin chocolate chip muffins the other day, off a recipe I saw online. I have to say, I’m not super impressed with them. If you have a good pumpkin anything recipe, I’d love to see/hear it.
3. Today is Columbus day, which I actually thought wasn’t observed anymore. But hey, my girls school does. Whatever. They are at the aftercare program today, so it’s all good. I barely get any holidays off.
4. We had our first bit of snow on Saturday. It was snowing, but it didn’t stick, so I don’t really have any pictures. Even though it’s supposed to be the 70′s this week, it did make me realize I needed to buy my kids all kinds of winter gear. That was possibly the only thing I accomplished yesterday.
5. Everywhere I go, I see Christmas decorations. I have serious issues with this. Mostly because I refuse to discuss Christmas with my kids until after Thanksgiving. Do you know how hard that is, when we already see Trees at Costco and light displays at Target? Why can’t we just celebrate the current holiday?
That’s all I’ve got. How are you all doing?
Yesterday I posted that I needed a break. That I was burned out on the Internet. It’s still in a way correct. However at some point yesterday I realized why I said it. Because of her. Because four years my happy (as I saw it then) life changed forever. Four years ago, I lost my Piper. I can lie to you and say that I knew this when I wrote that post yesterday, but I didn’t. I just knew that I had nothing to say. Turns out, I was lying to myself as well.
Losing her changed me in more ways than I can even begin to tell you. I have written about it before. At times I may continue to write about it. I may be a different person now than I was six months ago, or a year or two years ago. However I’ll never again be the woman I was before losing her. I don’t know that anyone can get back that kind of innocence once it’s lost. All I can do now is keep working on me.
I have a lot to say. Yesterday, I thought I had nothing to say. Turns out, I’m a bit afraid of my words. I’m maybe also afraid of myself right now. I’ve had a really great say week and a half and I’m afraid to change that. Isn’t that silly? A few good weeks and I’m afraid of going back to the way things were. I’m scared that one slip up, one small thing that sets me off will send me into a deep depression. Getting off of my meds made me realize that I never want to do that again. I never want to have those withdrawals again. However, I also can’t live my life avoiding all emotions because I’m scared of them.
I’m scared that sad will always equal depression for me. This may be something that I have to battle for awhile. Anyway, this is what’s really going on. I’m terrified to feel. I thought by closing off, I’d feel better. It actually made it worse. So….I guess pretend I said nothing yesterday. I’m sorry to you all that I’m like this. But I am. I act first at times and think later. Not as often as I used too, but at times it may always happen.
Piper. My baby. The baby girl I never got to see or hold, will always be in my heart. I will always love her, even though I only had her for a short period of time. 14 weeks isn’t long. Yet, it was our only time together. I try not to think about what she’d be like now. I try not to imagine a three year old bouncy little girl. If I had her, I wouldn’t have the bouncy two year old boy who has my whole heart. Doesn’t make me miss her any less though.
Today is her day. Today is the day I remember. Her name was Piper Isabelle.
***Updated because of a conversation of Twitter.
1. What’s the ring tone on your phone?
2. Are you going to BlogHer this summer?
3. If you have an iPhone or really an iAnything, what is your current favorite app?
4. What do you normally eat for breakfast?
5. Can you swim? Can you ride a bike?
*****
My answers: (because people always ask when I do this)
1. Michael Buble, I just haven’t met you yet. And I’m sick to death of it.
2. Heck yes. Can’t wait.
3. Mine is a tie between You Don’t Know Jack and Angry Birds Rio. Rio will win, once there are new levels. NEXT WEEK!!! Ahem.
4. I need something new. I was eating granola and yogurt, but my stomach can’t deal with the heaviness of granola right now. I’ve been making banana bread every week, but I’m starting to get tired of it.
5. Swim yes. Swimming is a must when you grow up in Los Angeles. Bike riding…um nope.
This summer I’m going to find a new job. Or a new career. Or both.
This summer I’m going occasionally eat DQ ice cream for dinner.
This summer I’m going to make bedtimes later for the girls.
This summer I’m going to take my daughters on sushi and movie dates. I’m going to take my kids on dates, one on one. I’m going to take my son to the zoo aquarium and my daughters to malls and museums.
This summer I’m going to go to BlogHer. I’m going to hug old friends and meet new ones. I’m going to go to parties and actually attend a few sessions this year.
This summer I’m going to finally meet my best friend Lu in person.
This summer watermelon, cherries and strawberries will fill my fridge.
This summer for the first time in years, I’m going to host the 4th of July BBQ at my house.
This summer I’m going to buy a baseball cap and stop sunburning my head. I’m also going to carry sunscreen on my person at all times. I’m going to try and act like I live in the Mile High City for the first time in four years.
This summer, I will make slushies a regular occurrence. I will make cupcakes for no reason and buy Popsicles often.
This summer I will make fun for my kids, despite the fact that they have to be in day camp. This summer I will have fun, despite the fact that I have no time off of work.
This summer will be great. Whenever it finally gets here. Snow tomorrow? Really Colorado? Really? Ahem.
What are you excited about for summer this year?
It was brought to my attention last night that I’m kind of odd at times. Just a bit weird maybe. I’m sure we all have a few odd quirks. I hope we all do. I thought I’d share a few of mine with you. If you’d like, you can tell me some of yours. Don’t be shy. I don’t judge the odd. 
1. Last night, after oh five years of being friends, Becky asked me why I spell dam, dam. Without the n. People have mentioned it before. They can always tell when it’s me, because I do that. The reason though? No one has ever asked. It’s simple really. It’s my initials backwards. MAD are my initials, which was very fitting considering my very first photo I look like I could kill someone. We always used to say, it’s MAD or DAM backwards. I was probably 15 before I realized damn was actually spelled with an n. I like being different, so I just never do it right.
2. I sleep with a body pillow. Which isn’t that odd for a lot of mothers. Mine however has a name. Ferdinand. He’s awesome and cuddly and never back talks or farts in bed.
3. When I count, whether in my head or out loud, I still say 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi…like I did when I was six.
4. When I was in 4th grade, I decided that my teacher’s 4′s were prettier looking than mine, so I changed how I wrote them. It took me a while to do it without thinking about it, but I to this day, write 4 like she did.
5. I can’t stand drinking anything without ice in it. If it doesn’t have ice in it, it needs to be ice cold. When it stops being ice cold, I tend to stop drinking it.
So, on a scale of 1-10 how odd am I?
I completely stole this one from Avitable. I figure as long as I link to him, it’s probably okay right? Right. I was going to do this last week and didn’t and now…well I’d just like to move a post down a bit.
The reality is that doing a meme is about the most brain cells I have available in this moment.
Favorite Movie – This is a hard one for me. It changes all the time. I probably have a few at the same time. Favorite movie of all time? Mary Poppins. Current favorite movie? The Holiday.
Least Favorite Movie – Anything ever made that had Ben Stiller in it. Yes. EVERYTHING.
Favorite Comedy – 13 Going on 30. It’s silly, but I adore it.
Favorite Adventure – Harry Potter. Yep. All of them.
Favorite Horror – Well let’s see…the last one I saw was Ghost Ship, so I’ll go with that.
Favorite Suspense/Thriller – Unbreakable is the only one I can think of. Maybe Angels and Demons? The most suspense I watch right now is Castle on TV which I doubt counts.
Favorite Animated Movie – The Incredibles
Favorite Guilty Pleasure – Valentine’s Day
A Movie You Never Expected To Love – Transformers. What can I say? I like bad super hero movies.
Biggest Let-Down – My Sister’s Keeper.
First Movie You Saw In Theaters – I actually think it was a My Little Pony movie. The next one was either Willow or BeetleJuice. I forget.
The Last Movie You Saw In Theaters – The latest Narnia movie. I think.
Favorite Documentary – I tend to like History ones. You know, Finding Atlantis type stuff. However, I couldn’t come up with a name on any, if my life depended on it.
Favorite Satire – The Breakfast Club.
A Movie With Your Favorite Actor – Independence Day
Favorite Movie Based On A Book – Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
Favorite Movie With An Actor You Hate – Iron Man. I adore Robert Downey Jr. However, I despise Gwyneth Paltrow. It’s probably the only movie I’ll watch that has her in it.
Movie You Can Watch On Loop – Ocean’s Eleven. Really though? I have a toddler. I can deal with anything. We’ve seen Cars so many times, I know all of the words. Toy Story as well. My six year old is still obsessed with Transformers years later. We probably see it once a week.
Favorite Movie Based On A Historical Event – Saving Private Ryan.
Favorite Movie Based On A Historical Figure – Schindler’s List.
Favorite Musical – The only one I like is Mary Poppins. If that’s not a musical…then um Sound of Music I suppose.
Favorite Black and White Movie – Young Frankenstein
Cheesiest Horror Movie – Yeah, I don’t watch them. Sorry.
Favorite Oscar-Winning Movie – Mary Poppins
Favorite Re-Make – Ocean’s Eleven.
Favorite Sequel – Ocean’s Thirteen
I am. I am the holiday Grinch this year. I could pretend it is different. But I’d just be lying.
I don’t want to do Christmas. I don’t really want to think about it. I’ve decided I’m not doing cards this year. It’s too expensive and way too much work.
My brother isn’t doing Christmas this year. He’s going to move after New Years, so all of his money is going to that. Which means he won’t be here, he won’t be sending cards of gifts and he begged my mom and I to not send him anything. I don’t care about the gift part, but I’m sad he won’t be here.
I honestly don’t have the money to do much. Not for Christmas. Not for Morgan’s ninth birthday in a few weeks. I spent money to take us away for Thanksgiving. Four plane tickets for Thanksgiving is pricey.
Divorce is pricey. That’s the truth of the matter. I spent a lot of money this year on that. Shrug. It just is what it is. But I’m just not willing to pretend to spend money, that I really don’t have to spend.
I don’t know what the holidays will look like this year. Last year was pure torture. Logan and I were not in a good place. It was downright miserable. Somehow the thought of it just being me, doesn’t make it sound any better. It should, but it doesn’t yet. It sounds depressing. I decided that I will have the kids Christmas Eve, he will have them Christmas day. In theory, this makes us both happy. This is my chance to make new memories, new traditions with my kids. I can make this my way, however I want that to be.
In reality? I’m just not happy with any of it.
I know at some point, I will need to decorate. For my kids sake. Although, how I put lights on my house, alone, I have no idea. How I carry a tree inside my house and set it up alone, I don’t know that either. I will, but the thought of it makes me very tired.
But dam it, if it were up to me? I’d cancel all of it. Just skip it this year.
Just call me Grinch. Issa Grinch.
There are very few posts that I regret. Yet, yesterdays goes on that list. I feel like I probably needed a breathalyzer for my own blog. One that could see how crazy I was. Then it could have locked down and said, sorry, no entry. Please to be trying again tomorrow.
I’m sorry. For posting. I shouldn’t have.
Yesterday? I lost my shit. It’s no ones fault really. It happens. I was triggered and I lost my shit. I still feel sorta shaky. That’s how bad that panic attack was.
I never know what it will be. Where it will come from. What might set me off. I will be honest, I watched Private Practice last week and was fine. I mean, I was horrified. I cried. But it didn’t make me panic. Didn’t give me nightmares. Most likely, that’s because I wasn’t attacked as an adult. I was abused as a child. By another child. It just is what it is. I have issues. Just not those specific ones.
I have been banned from watching Law & Order SVU. Which is sad, because I adore Elliot. But I can’t watch it. Never again. However, besides that? I never know what will happen. That disgusting book did it yesterday. It just did. I can’t explain it. I can apologize for it. For bringing it to this space. But I can’t explain it. Nor tell you that it will never happen again.
This is all new for me. Not because I ever forgot what happened to me as a child. Just because I’d stuffed it so far, that I’d built a bat cave around it. Now, I’m dealing with it. Slowly. Painfully. Over time.
My issues are my own. I’m sorry that I spazzed them out on everyone else yesterday. You all don’t deserve that.
I have one more thing to add. It may be an unpopular thing to say. Amazon is a large company. They will pull that book or they won’t. That’s on them. They will have to deal with the consequences of their actions. I can hope that they will. They should. But the arguments yesterday? About boycotting and freedom of speech and all that? Semantics. In truth, both sides have a point. It’s an old argument. Who will win out this time? Only time will tell.
Reality is, this morning I, remembering a commercial I saw for a Fisher Price flip car last night, opened Amazon to try and find it. What can I say? I’m a creature of habit. I didn’t think about it, until I’d already opened it up and starting searching.
For me, it wasn’t about that. It’s not who’s selling the book. Not even really who wrote it. It was just about me being triggered. That’s all.
Did you know you could use breadcrumbs for more than just making meatballs?
I didn’t. Not until yesterday. Seriously. My best friends are still laughing at me, I’m pretty sure. I was shocked to learn it has other uses.
I am not what one would call a cooking type person. Meaning, I am just now learning how to cook. I have about four recipes that I’ve perfected over the years…three of which are my moms. What I mean is, I have four things I make well. I’m not joking. You may think I am, but I’m really, truly not. BBQ chicken. Spaghetti sauce. Chili. Chicken fajitas. Those are my four things. The rest of the time? We eat out. Or we eat cereal, grilled cheese, chicken quesadillas or breakfast for dinner. I am a big fan of it. The eating out.
Just so you know, my kids aren’t deprived. They eat tons of veggies and fruit. They are healthy, active kids. Their dad was the cook in the house. So…yeah. Moving on.
There is this whole budget thing I’m working on. So I’ve put a kibosh on eating out. Like at all. Which is sad, because I really enjoy eating out. By the way, I’ve failed at the budget this month…I’ll explain more on that another day though.
I’ve taking up cooking this month. It’s gone okay. I’ve made some good things. I’ve made some nasty things. Nights where we ate cereal are becoming a bit farther between though. I’m a work in progress. I have taken to scouring the internet for good, easy, semi-cheap recipies. I ask my best friends for ideas all the time. I send them recipes and ask, do you think I could make this? I’m surprised they are still talking to me.
This is where you all come in. I need help. I need ideas. As someone who has spent, oh my entire life avoiding cooking, this is hard for me. What do you cook? What are some easy recipes that you love? What are your standbys?
Things to know about me… I am eeeked out by raw chicken. The only way I will use it (and I do often) is boneless skinless chicken breasts. That being said, we eat mostly chicken. We do eat some fish. Although, I’m a complete fish brat…because I was raised near an ocean. Ahem. We also eat beef, but I know nothing about it.
I do not like soup.
I am not really a fan of things made in the crock pot. Normally. I do on occasion use it for spaghetti sauce or chili, if I know the evening will be crazy. Mostly it just takes up cupboard space.
I don’t believe I own a food processor anymore. I also do not have the money to buy one right now. If this cooking stuff works out, I’m sure I could ask my mommy for one for Christmas.
I have one kid who won’t eat pizza. One who won’t each chicken nuggets. Neither of the girls will eat Mac N Cheese in any form. The boy however will eat absolutely anything.
Am I a hopeless case?
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