When I was married I wasn’t all that into Valentines Day. It seemed like a major Hallmark holiday destined to make half of people sad. Even though Logan never failed to deliver, I never managed to get into this holiday. Now I’m single and for some reason I think I understand this day more now.
It’s a day for love. It’s a day to show people and remind people how much we love them. Should we tell them every day? Yes. Yes we should. Some people do. Ask my friends, my kids, my family. They’ll tell you how often I say, I love you.
This day though? It’s a reminder to people who aren’t as giving with shows of affection as I am. A reminder to all of us to show are love and appreciation for our loved ones. A reminder to look at our loved ones and really see them.
I love love. I really do.
I could be really sad on this day, if I wanted too. No one would fault me. I am single. My kids will spend the evening with their dad. I just heard that a cousin of mine is pregnant with twins. I could be very sad and bitter today.
Instead, I got my kids each a bit of candy and a card. I was thrilled when I woke up to four cards of my own. Guess my mom bought cards with the girls when she was out a few weeks ago. Tricky woman.
I will buy myself flowers and good chocolate after work tonight. I will hang out on my couch and eat chocolates and watch Valentine’s Day. Sappy days call for sappy movies. I will call my cousin and congratulate her on her good news. I know how hard her journey has been to get pregnant and I’m absolutely thrilled for her.
Today is a celebration of love. I can’t see how that is a bad thing.
Happy Valentine’s Day to each of you. Much love to all of you.
This post is part of Heather’s Just Write.
Please note that I stole this idea from Jodifur. Hey, at least I ask before I steal post ideas.
It’s come to my attention that the remainder of this year is going to be COMPLETELY INSANE, so I believe it’s time to post and call an end to my posting for 2011. I promise I’ll be back in January. Hopefully with some changes around here. Anyway, before I show you my favorite posts of this year, I thought I’d wish you all a wonderful holiday. Whether that is Chanukah, Christmas, Winter Solstice, Kwansa or just New Years, I hope you enjoy it. Whatever you celebrate, I wish you health and happiness for the remainder of this year.
In January, I made a goal to remember the good in this year. To count my blessings and try not to be such a pessimist. It’s a goal, I’m happy to say that I’ve managed to accomplish over time.
In February, I found out that I have PCOS. It’s changed my life in many ways and I’ll be honest, it’s not all bad. It’s nice to know that certain medical things in my past had reasons. It’s made me less hard on myself. I also love this post about enjoying the small things in my kids lives. Days go so fast and some days, I do wish for a second Sunday.
While writing this post on my step-mom was hard in March, it also led me back to therapy to deal with a few things that I thought I’d let go of. It’s nice to say now, that I have let go of a few issues. It’s helped make this a better year for me. I’ll never forget things that happened when I was a kid, however I don’t have to let it color my world any longer.
April brought my 500th post, which I chose to write for my best friend Liz. I love her even more now than I did then, so I’m glad I gave her that milestone post. April also came with big decisions about the brother I’ll probably never know. I am confident in my decision. Finally, there was the list I made to insure the kids and I had a great summer. I am thrilled to say, I managed to accomplish my goals.
In May, I head great news about Morgan’s future in fifth grade. I have to say, she’s had a phenomenal school year. Her teacher is amazing. We owe her so much. Luckily, because my kids go to a charter school, Morgan will have her next year as well! I also told you all about my lunch date with my dad.
Parenting isn’t always easy, as I realized yet again in June. Making the hard choices is something I am willing to do though. A part of June, I’d rather forget but never will is when the evil clown ate my blog. I’m still thankful to Jenna for fixing it. Also in a funnier post, I shared some text messages I get. Even now, they crack me up.
In July, I got off my anti-depressants after four years. There have been times when I wondered if I could stay off of them. But we’re halfway through December and I can honestly say, I’m doing great right now. On the 18th, my Bailey turned seven. She is one of my very favorite people in this world.
On a random day in August, I wrote about my step-dad for no real reason. Just because I love him. I also went to BH11 and my BFF trip. It was one of the greatest weeks in my year.
September was a harder month for me. I’d rather not re-visit it, except for this one tiny thing. My baby boy turned three. He’s so very three and I adore him for it. Most of the time.
In October I celebrated making it through the first year of divorce. A strange thing to celebrate, yes maybe. However, in my quest to change how I think, I had to look at the bad, to remember the good.
In November, I did quite a few things that scare me. It was a hard month emotionally, but luckily I came out okay on the other side.
December has been very busy. I’m loving ever second of it. For the first time in a long time, I’m truly happy. My baby girl turned ten and had an amazing party. I’m looking forward to everything that we have planned for the next two weeks.
My wish for all of you is a wonderful next few weeks. I’ll see you in 2012.
Love, Issa
Last night was the final day of summer. It was also the first day of school for Morgan and Bailey. I am now the mother of fifth and second graders. I’m not sure exactly how that happened, but it did anyway.
Last night was one of those magical evenings. The kind that only seem to happen in the summer. 15 random family members and a few random friends all gathered at a Frozen yogurt place at dusk. Where I’d normally have been getting my kids ready for bed, I was letting them choose their own flavors and add toppings. We all sat outside on the curb and ate frozen yogurt and watched lightening in the distance. For and hour and a half, time stopped. For that hour and a half, it was still summer. Bedtimes didn’t matter, crazy toddlers doing break dancing on concrete didn’t matter. There was no homework to do or baths to take. No one was sad about the two going off to college the following morning. We all got lost in that moment. It was magical.
On the way home, the kids and I tried to list all the great things we did this summer. Movies we saw, trips we took, small fun activities that made it fun. It was a long list. They added things I’d forgotten I’d done. Having it given back to me in list form was neat. It made me realize that my goal of doing this summer right, happened. Even though I had to work all summer and the kids were in daycare/camp all summer, we still had a great summer. I made it happen.
We’ve been to the mountains twice. I painted the inside of my house. The kids have been camping in Wyoming and seen half of Chicago. We’ve bought cupcakes and made cupcakes on many occasions. We’ve been to the park late in the evening and been the only ones playing on swings. We’ve had movie dates and movie parties at the house. We’ve gone to cosmic bowling and black light mini golf. We’ve been to amusement parks and museums. I went to BlogHer and to LA for a BFF trip. I’ve cooked on the grill all summer and my house has been full of summer fruit and ice cream for months. For the first time in years, I hosted the 4th of July. We’ve had ice cream for dinner on more than one occasion and made breakfast for dinner a regular occurrence. We’ve played with glow in the dark sidewalk chalk and I’ve perfected cherry pie. This past weekend, we even went to our first Rockies Game.
This has been a great summer. I’ve had a good time and my kids have had an even better time. This may have been the best summer in years. So Fall? Bring it. We’re ready. Summer is in our bones. We’ve enjoyed every second and we’re ready for whatever’s next.
My home life is small. I lead a small life. Friends are few and far between. I have more acquaintances here than friends. Don’t get me wrong, I do fun things. I shop, I go out to eat, I see movies. My kids and I play mini-golf and we check out parks. We have been to amusement parks and seen numerous movies this summer. A few times a year, we do mini vacations. Yet, more often than not, you’ll find me at home. I don’t mind it. I’m a homebody.
My social life is mostly led online. I work full time and mother full time; I have three children, a house and a dog. This, for me, makes social media the easiest way to connect with people. It’s because of social media that I have any friends at all. I tell you that because it’s true. I’m also lucky enough to tell you that I have tons of amazing friends. Friends I can count on, friends who always support me. I’ve long since stopped caring that most of them live elsewhere.
People ask me all the time if going to BlogHer is worth it and I always tell them HELL YES! You want to know why? Because I got see my friends. For the past three years I’ve gone to BlogHer to be with the people I love and adore. At times I fit more living into those four days than I do in a regular six month time period. I come back horse each year from talking so much. I come home full of love, from all the amazing hugs and conservations. It holds me over until the next time I can go, or the next time I can go see my best friends.
My trip this year was both a BH trip and a BFF trip. Two for the price of one. Heh.
People ask me why they should spend the money and time to go to BlogHer and I can’t always explain it. It’s hard to put it into words. The best I can try and do is tell you some of the highlights of my weekend. Then…well you can decide for yourself.
I do this for dinners spent with nine people. For round tables at seafood places, and long rectangular ones at Mexican places. For tables where everyone talks at once together and others where a small intimate conversation manages to take place in the midst of a crazy loud one.
I do this to make connections. To introduce people I feel like I’ve known forever, to other people who I’ve known for years. To find someone a bed last second and to meet someone new at an airport at 6am on day one.
I do this to laugh at how four people can sit on a couch on their phones and still chat non-stop, without anyone thinking they are being ignored. I do this to be amazed at how a room full of people at a Blogging conference can spend three hours without anyone checking their phone.
I do this to check out a new city. Or at times to get to explore a part of a city that I’d been to before.
I do this for lunches the first day, where you start off with a group of 5 and end up getting a table for 9. For texts from people saying: I AM HERE! Midnight chats in bed. 8am chats in bed. Ha. Breakfasts of bagels and Starbucks for three days in a row.
I do this to finally meet someone at a party the last night and hug them eight times in a row. This amazing person who you’ve been friends with for six years and never managed to meet. Because each time something like this happens, I spend the next day wishing I’d had two more days to spend with this person.
Literally running into someone in the hallway and then spending the next two hours chatting with them and others who turned up.
I do this for: Sparklecorn. Cake balls. Serenity Suite. The Hallmark store that let me send a card to someone. Meeting people in the lobby.
I do this because we sit and chat about the people who are missing. The ones who were going to come and couldn’t last minute. The ones of you who wanted to be there. Even those of you who never want to come. We talk about you too. We share your blogs with each other. We gossip in the good way, the best way. The way that makes it seem like you are all there in a way.
I do this to watch the community keynote each year. To see 12-15 brave people stand up and read their posts. To laugh with them, to cry with them and sometimes laugh until I cry. This year, I had the pleasure of watching a very dear friend of mine read her post. Not the post I’d put in for her to read, but an even better one. It’s powerful and I hope you’ll take a few minutes to listen to it. (Please ignore the poor quality. I took it on my phone. You can hear it perfectly though.)
Each year I go in thinking that maybe next year I’ll pick a smaller conference. I say, this is my last one. By the end, I’m plotting how to get to next years. And this? This is all why.
This is why I do this.
Yesterday I posted that I needed a break. That I was burned out on the Internet. It’s still in a way correct. However at some point yesterday I realized why I said it. Because of her. Because four years my happy (as I saw it then) life changed forever. Four years ago, I lost my Piper. I can lie to you and say that I knew this when I wrote that post yesterday, but I didn’t. I just knew that I had nothing to say. Turns out, I was lying to myself as well.
Losing her changed me in more ways than I can even begin to tell you. I have written about it before. At times I may continue to write about it. I may be a different person now than I was six months ago, or a year or two years ago. However I’ll never again be the woman I was before losing her. I don’t know that anyone can get back that kind of innocence once it’s lost. All I can do now is keep working on me.
I have a lot to say. Yesterday, I thought I had nothing to say. Turns out, I’m a bit afraid of my words. I’m maybe also afraid of myself right now. I’ve had a really great say week and a half and I’m afraid to change that. Isn’t that silly? A few good weeks and I’m afraid of going back to the way things were. I’m scared that one slip up, one small thing that sets me off will send me into a deep depression. Getting off of my meds made me realize that I never want to do that again. I never want to have those withdrawals again. However, I also can’t live my life avoiding all emotions because I’m scared of them.
I’m scared that sad will always equal depression for me. This may be something that I have to battle for awhile. Anyway, this is what’s really going on. I’m terrified to feel. I thought by closing off, I’d feel better. It actually made it worse. So….I guess pretend I said nothing yesterday. I’m sorry to you all that I’m like this. But I am. I act first at times and think later. Not as often as I used too, but at times it may always happen.
Piper. My baby. The baby girl I never got to see or hold, will always be in my heart. I will always love her, even though I only had her for a short period of time. 14 weeks isn’t long. Yet, it was our only time together. I try not to think about what she’d be like now. I try not to imagine a three year old bouncy little girl. If I had her, I wouldn’t have the bouncy two year old boy who has my whole heart. Doesn’t make me miss her any less though.
Today is her day. Today is the day I remember. Her name was Piper Isabelle.
Today is my lovely friend Jill’s birthday. Jill is that friend. The kind of friend everyone should have. The kind of friend that you don’t actually remember how you met, but you are forever grateful that you did. The kind of friend who makes you laugh your ass off, because she will say absolutely anything. The girl may have a filter, but I’ve yet to find it. I love that about her.
In general, I love everything about her. She’s sweet, caring, funny, sarcastic and downright amazing.
Jill is the type of friend who will take her kids out of school for a day, drive six hours one way, with three kids and a dog…just to be able to see you for a day. You being me. I will always love her for that.
She sends me photos of her dog about to kiss the phone to make me smile. She texts me when I’m sad. She never fails to be there when I need her. She sends me photos of the ocean when I need them and photos of her crying son to make me laugh. When I needed to know what to say in an email the other day, she sent me and exact script. It was perfection.
She is the woman you want on your side, not on the other side. I’ve seen the things she can accomplish when need be. Trust me, you don’t want her as your enemy. If given the power, I’m sure she could run this country. She’s short but scrappy.
Everyone should have a Jill in their life. She makes life so much brighter.
For her, I wish for a painless move to DC. I wish for all of her stuff to be released from purgatory in Germany or wherever it’s being held captive. I wish for a few amazing years in your new home, a home filled with friends and family and no drama. Mostly though, I wish for the time between now and when Matt comes home from Iraq to go fast.
Happy birthday friend. I can’t wait to see you. I mean we’ve only got what, nine weeks to go?
Love you, Issa
Mother’s Day…man in some ways it’s such an annoying holiday. Very Hallmark. It makes people feel bad about themselves and their life and I’ve never liked that part of it.
It’s easy for me to say that though, because I have a great relationship with my mother and I have three kids who I absolutely adore. I know this. I understand how lucky I am. I know it’s not easy for a lot of people. I know it, because I have that issue on Father’s Day. However, we’ll get to that next month.
Being a mother is the most important thing to me. Most of the time it’s the only thing I feel even half good at. As a child it was the only thing I really wanted to be. I work harder at it than any other thing in my life. Maybe we all do. Maybe that’s just part of being a parent.
Because I work at home, I don’t have to get dressed in the morning. Yet, for my girls I half do it anyway. Snce I no longer need to walk them in, I make sure my face is clean, my hair is up and my shirt is clean. I do this for them. Because I don’t care, but they do. Because they want me to look semi-presntable. It’s important to them at nine and six years old. So I do it. My son doesn’t care if I walk him into daycare in yoga pants. My sweet boy doesn’t care what he wears much less anyone else. I concede for my girls.
Because that’s what we do.
We make lunches and get snacks when we just want to watch TV. We read more and more books to our kids, even though we likely can’t remember the last book we read to ourselves. We get up early on weekend mornings and feed small people, when we’d rather sleep.
We work the shittier job because it allows us more working time at home, which at times can actually be helpful since kids are freaking petri dishes. We clean up after them. We clean them up when they get sick. We put out own illness aside when they are sick.
We get up and rub backs at 2am when someone has a bad dream. We get more water for tiny kids who we know will then be up to pee an hour later. We go and sit at dance, soccer, swimming and t-ball for hours a week…even though we take none of those things. We buy toys that make noise because it makes them happy. We buy candy that makes them turn into lunatics because we know it passes. We spend our weekends driving kids from one birthday party to another.
We play board games that we despise and play whatever game they’ve made up, even when we know we need to be doing other things. We go to Disney movies and have no clue what else is possible playing in the theater. We watch the same episode of a show or the same movie over and over and over again. We argue with tiny tyrants about which blue cup is acceptable to them. We argue with bigger tyrants about sundresses not being acceptable attire in WINTER BAILEY!
We do it because we have too. We even do it without too much complaining.
Mostly though? We do it because we love them. Because they are our babies and we adore them. Because we know that they deserve all of this and more. So much more. And that my friends? Is what being a mother is really about. It’s not really about the day that happens to be this coming Sunday. It’s about what we do every single day. I am not just a mother on Sunday. I became a mother the first time that stick showed a plus sign, a little over ten years ago. Every day since then, I have been a mother.
This Sunday, I will celebrate my mother. Because she is amazing and deserves it. I will celebrate my kids, because they are amazing and deserve it. I will be happy to just be with them, the three little rugrats who made me a mother.
I hope all of you have a fabulous mother’s day. One filled with breakfast in bed, flowers and cards. One filled with smiling happy kids.
This is my 500th post. 500. It seems like such a big number. I thought long and hard about what to say on this post, especially after not posting for nearly a month. I knew that my first post back, would be my 500th post. I wanted it to be good, not just a this is what I’ve been doing post…which I promise you will get later this week. No, this one needed to be special.
Then it hit me. This could go up today. See today, April 19th is my best friend Liz’s birthday. So this, my 500th post? Is for her.
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Me: How’s the kitty?
Her: I want chips and salsa.
I laugh out loud to myself. Our text messages are often this random. She is the only person I can text like I would talk to if she were sitting in the room next too me, instead of 1230 something miles away. Anyone else would look at our texts and possible think we are nuts. Yet, it makes perfect sense to me.
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I read a post a few weeks ago on BlogHer about online friendships. It was called: Are Online Relationships Real? It wasn’t saying that they weren’t real, but it made me think. I’ve had this conversation many times. Sometimes with people who have no clue about it and think I’m insane. How can you be friends with people who you can’t see all the time, is always their question.
Other times I’ve had this conversation cramped into a hotel room with six or eight other people. With friends who understand and have had to have this conversation themselves with others who don’t get it. They are friends. Great friends actually, who I wouldn’t know if it weren’t for this online world. I know first hand that online friendships are real. I have many of them. People who are with me through thick and thin. Some I’m met in person, some I haven’t. I’ve found that it doesn’t really matter. I know who my real friends are.
True friendship is not dictated by proximity. It’s dictated by love and support and the ability to be there for another person, even when all you can do is say: I’m here. I’m listening and holding your hand from here. It shouldn’t matter where here actually is.
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We met for the first time in September a year and a half ago after six months of non-stop talking.
What if she’s some crazy ax murderer, he asked me the night before. Dude. First? I already met her husband. Iss, there can be women ax murderers you know. Okay fine. Well second? I’ll be in Vegas. There are great CSI’s there.
It was a silly argument. I was nervous, but I had absolutely no fear about my best friend being a closet ax murderer. Even before that trip, I called her my best friend. She already was. My best friend twin soul sister.
There is this scene in the movie Julie and Julia where Julia Child meets for the first time a woman who she’d been pen pals with for years and years. I adore it. When I saw it in the theater it gave me chills. That’s what it was like for me, meeting Liz. Being able to hug someone who you’ve considered your best friend for months and months? I can’t even explain it.
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Our friend Lu calls her the wizard. Because she’s quiet, yet when she does talk, it’s exactly what needed to be said. She has a way with words.
She’s who I text for any and all cooking needs and questions. Even when she laughs, because I really do suck at cooking, she always knows what to do.
She’s the person I need when I’m panicky. The one who can always calm me down, no matter what is going on.
She always helps me see reason through the crazy. She’s always there to remind me that just because I think something in my head, doesn’t mean I need to apologize for it.
Really the girl deserves a medal for being best friends with someone as crazy as me. Or maybe she needs her head examined. Both. Yeah, it’s probably both.
She’s the only person I listen to the first time. (What can I say, I’m a stubborn ass.) Somehow she knows exactly what to say to me, to get me to do the right thing. Or to you know, stop being a stubborn ass.
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I went to her house, after Logan left me. There is no where else I wanted to be. On the side of a road one day, looking at the ocean while I sobbed, she swore to me that this wouldn’t kill me. That I would get past the pain. That one day I would feel like a whole person again and she’s be there to remind me that I did make it.
Even though I knew she was probably right, I didn’t believe it. Yeah. I was wrong on that one. I’m wrong often. I get caught up in my head when bad things happen. Sometimes I need a huge light to see reality. She tends to be that huge light. Maybe one of those lighthouse lights.
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I still remember the day we started talking. How funny that two years later I remember a single day. I’m not sure I can tell you what was on TV last night or what I had for lunch yesterday, but I remember that first DM conversation two years ago. Maybe it’s because it was significant. It was the day I made the greatest friend I’ve ever had.
Every day I know my life is better because she is in it. She makes me strive to be a better person, a better friend and a better mother. She is brave, smart, amazing, kind and beautiful and I absolutely adore her.
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Happy birthday Liz. I’m so thrilled that I get to spend today here with you. Love you to the moon and back.
xoxo, Issa
“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” – Anais Nin
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I’m going to say it was sometime in early 2009 when I started seeing this funny, sweet, sarcastic, snarky woman around the Internet. In all honesty, it was the snarky side that made me befriend her at first. I love me some good snark and the girl has the gift. Quickly though, I came to realize that this woman and I were meant to be friends.
Her name is Jenna. She’s one of my best friends. Today is her birthday.
When I first met her, she was very careful to keep me at a distance. It’s something I understand since it’s something I’ve done myself for years. Her wall was very high. Lucky for her (and me), I own a trampoline. I just jumped over the dam thing. She hasn’t been able to get rid of me since then.
I don’t know where I’d be without her. She has been one of my three rocks this past two years. She always supports me and she never ever lets me give up. She has the most amazing heart in the world. She’s caring and loving. She cracks me up on a daily basis. Anyone who can put up with me as a best friend, deserves a medal.
Sadly, I’m fresh out of medals, so I figured this would have to do.
We have a lot in common. We are also complete opposites in so many ways. I mean really, the girl doesn’t drink coffee and she likes eggplant. It’s a wonder we are as close as we are. Eggplant. *shudder*
Our friendship defies all odds. It exists because of this space. Because of the wonder of the Internet. I wouldn’t have met any of my best friends without the Internet. Some say it’s weird to have best friends who live in different states. Really though, it’s not like we know any different. You couldn’t see the way we support each other through everything and then say there was something wrong with our relationship.
Then again, I don’t mind people thinking I’m weird. Who wants to be normal? Normal seems very boring.
Every day I feel blessed to have her in my life. I can’t imagine life without her in it actually. I’m really not willing to even go there. She’s stuck with me.
Happy birthday Jenna. I love you more than there are words in the world.
xoxo, Issa
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Happy Birthday Jenna. Thank you for being a part of this whole new world of true friendship. You have always been an amazing support to me and for that I am forever grateful. You were my very first online friend, and you will always have a special place in my heart. You reached out to me when you knew I needed you, and you have never let go. You offer help and support in any possible way that you can. Because of you I have a group of women that I can turn to with anything. Anything. I really don’t know what I would do without you and that’s not just because you know internet stuffs that I don’t get. Heh.
Our world of friendship is beyond amazing and is really difficult to explain, and yet very simple. We are best friends. It’s that simple. We support each other every single day. In every way, with everything. I can completely dump my life’s crap on you in an email and know that you are reading, caring, and will try to talk me off the ledge. Even if you have to bribe me with cupcakes.
I know this all might seem like a bit much to someone who is reading that may not know how close we are, but that’s okay. We get us. It works for us. That’s enough for me.
I am excited for the rebirth of Jenna and will be holding your hand through the next year and beyond. Please to be remembering how wonderful, strong, and amazing you are as a mother, friend, and woman.
Happy Birthday Love.
-Lu
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Dear Jenna,
Happiest of birthdays to you dear. With heaps of sprinkles (and some homemade caramel sauce) on top. This is one of those times that I wish I had a bottomless bank account. Not just because we could all be celebrating with you on Cupcake Fuck You Island. But because I’d be trying my hardest to buy your happiness. 
And I think that might be fun.
But anyways… I don’t. So I can’t. Instead I will tell you this. You? Are amazing. And strong. And generous. And beautiful. And loyal. And a wicked awesome friend. And an expert cook. And a devoted mom. And a sarcastic joker. And pretty much just all around spectacularly wonderful. And I? Am thankful for you. And your advice. And your humor. And your recipes. And your jokes. And most of all, your friendship. I treasure it.
I know you don’t always see the super star in you. But we, your true blue friends spread across the country, see it. Stick with us kid and we’ll remind you how great you are when you need it. We’ll pick you up and carry you when you are too exhausted. And we’ll laugh and cry with you as life unfolds.
Happy birthday dear. Here is to yummy cupcakes, toddler love, insane friends, GOOD chocolate, and new beginnings. Love you.
-Liz
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Happy birthday darling.
Today is your birthday. Happy 60th birthday.
Why exactly I’m writing this to you, I’m not completely sure that I know. I think it has something to do with a television comedy I saw a few weeks ago. In it, the main character’s dad dies unexpectedly. The entire episode is dedicated to the question: what were dad’s last words to me? I struggle with this often. I tell people, I have a dad, but I don’t really have a dad. Then I change the subject. In that way, I am like you.
While I do have tons of memories of spending time at your house…I can count on my hands the times we have spent together. Just us. I do cherish those times. They are memories that I hold onto tightly. They don’t change the bad though. They don’t discount the neglect, emotional abuse and hatred that your wife bestowed onto me. All of which, you let her do.
It would be easy for me to walk away. To pretend you don’t exist. In a lot of ways, you don’t. I don’t think about you when I plan vacations or holidays. I’ve actually been about 30 miles away from your house four times in the last year and haven’t bothered to stop and say hello. Twice I even pointed out your freeway exit to Liz, as we drove by. I don’t think about calling you when something bad happens, or something good for that matter. You are there, but not there, if that makes sense. Which it may not. For me, that has been your role since I was six years old. The man I called daddy, whether you deserved that term of endearment or not.
At times people will ask me why I even bother. Why do I send you birthday and Christmas cards? Why do I call once a month? A lot of times, I have no answer. Right now, I do. In this moment, I have my answer.
In case something were to happen tomorrow, I don’t want my last memory of you to be our last conversation. The conversation where you invited me to your birthday party. The one that is three states away. With only ten days notice. I know and you know, why you did this. Because she doesn’t really want me there. You both know I can’t afford to plan a vacation for the kids and I, with no notice. You wouldn’t have mentioned it at all, except you knew that one day someone would say something about it to me and I’d be pissed. That was literally your parting comment to me. If you died tomorrow, that would be your last words to me. You told me, only to save yourself the trouble later.
You do that often. You engage with me, maybe with everyone, only enough to save yourself drama later. In a lot of ways, it’s a sad way to be. However, after all these years, I understand why you do it. You chose easy. You decided way back when, to do as little as possible to make it through life. When I was six years old, you chose her. Her and her horrible monster children, over us. That’s life. I’ve spent much of my life wondering what I did wrong as a six year old. Logically, I know it wasn’t me. It had nothing to do with me. She did that; your wife. She never liked me, because I was a girl. I can’t change that, nor can I change that you were married once before her. I can only hope that you are happy with your choice.
It’s funny to me that your wife dislikes me as much as she does, because she feels I am too much like mom. In truth, I am much more like you. Except that I am emotional and I love with my whole heart, that I did get from mom.
This wasn’t what I wanted to write about. Really, it wasn’t. I just know why I always try. I know why I call, even though we only discuss the weather. I know why I send cards.
While your last words to me will never be something I hold onto, I always want you to have mine. It’s sort of the opposite. One day when something happens, no matter when it is, it may comfort me. See, every time we hang up or at the end of every card, I say: I love you. Sometimes you say it back. Sometimes you say ditto. Other times you just hang up. It doesn’t matter. It stopped mattering years ago.
I can’t change you, only me and I choose love.
If something unexpected happened tomorrow, I will always know that you knew that I loved you. That will have to be enough.
I do dad, no matter what. I love you.
Happy birthday daddy, I hope it’s a great one.
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