I’ve been doing this a long time. Two and a half years this go round, two years the first time. I took an 18 month break in between. (Which had absolutely nothing to do with this community and everything to do with my family issues in the moment.) That is pretty much ancient in blogger years. I’ve watched a ton of amazing bloggers shut down. I’ve seen people just disappear. I’ve made friends, lost friends. I’ve been treated like I don’t exist, I’ve treated others that way I’m sure and I know I said somethings over the years that I wish I could take back.
This is a big community. A great big, amazingly awesome community. It also has it’s downfalls. Just like anything, I suppose.
I have, in the past week, read six different posts about people who feel left out. People who were saying they don’t get included. People saying that they don’t get comments, that they don’t get invited to events, that there is no way for them to have the friendships that some of us do. On Twitter, it’s the ever popular emu attitude: no one talks to me, no one responds to me, no one is reading my post. I guess, I’ll just go because I’m not really here.
Can I be honest here for a second? It’s driving me freaking insane. I am tired of it. Seriously, I’ve seen all of this in the past week.
I want to scream at people, this is not High School. This community is what you make of it. You find your people, if you are genuine and patient and friendly. It does not necessarily come easy. You surly can’t expect it to happen.
But the jealous, poor pitiful me, I am so unpopular and nobody likes me posts are annoying. It reminds me of that song, nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms. My five year old likes to sing that song…mostly to taunt her big sister. She’s generally holding out a worm as she sings it.
Those posts were annoying five years ago and they are still annoying today. Maybe it was BlogHer selling out of tickets last week, that has made all of that talk start. Maybe it’s something else. I’m not really sure. I don’t think all of us should not be allowed to talk about BlogHer though, because other people don’t like it.
It’s made me pull back a bit this week. It, along with some other things have made me a little gun shy. Gave me a bit of writer’s block. I think the reason is because I’m wanting to say some things that may make me very unpopular. It’s okay. I don’t mind. I am tired of being nice and ignoring it.
Obligations. Big bloggers. Small bloggers. Popular. Interesting words that seem to be thrown around a lot lately. Especially in the past week or so. Loralee wrote an amazing post on the subject at BlogHer this week. It’s well worth the read. Her previous one was on jealousy, which I found even more interesting. Truly the comments over there are enlightening.
Personally, I think that people expect too much. You start a blog, you comment elsewhere, you hope people comment on your blog. You start a Twitter account and chat with people, but somehow they still don’t come and read your blog. I can’t tell you why. I can tell you that you can’t expect it to happen. You can’t force it to happen. You can’t force online friendships. If you try, you just come off as whiny and annoying.
I have been accused of being elitist this week. I’ve lost a friendship, because I wasn’t willing to let something go that I felt wasn’t okay. I’ve also been made to feel guilty, for basically being me. Each of those things, by a different person. I guess I could take it really personally. Some would. Mostly it made me wonder about what peoples expectations of me were. It made me wonder who feels I’m obligated to do things, because I have tons of ‘friends’ online. It made me wonder, if people feel that I owe them something, then imagine how many people someone like Her Bad Mother or Redneck Mommy or say Dooce have thinking that they are somehow owed.
I don’t know that I have any answers for that. I can however, tell you what I know.
Making friends online? Takes time. Just like in real life. Because guess what? This is real life. You will click with some people, you won’t with others. Some will think that they “know” you, because of what you share online. That doesn’t necessarily make it true.
I blog because I love to write. I love the online community that I’ve found. I adore the friends that I’ve made. I love commenting, I love comments.
I comment on “popular” blogs. I comment when I want too. I don’t when I don’t. I comment when I have something to say. I comment on some, because I’ve been reading them forever. I do not expect a return comment. If some of them read my words over here, that is great. Do I tweet at people who never tweet back at me, yes. I do. I tweet at people who don’t follow me. I’m okay with it. I only say something, if I have something to say. I also happen to be very wordy.
I also comment on blogs that no one else reads….yet. I only read people, if I want too. I read some blogs that I never comment on. I sometimes comment on blogs that I don’t have in my reader.
I have trouble keeping up with my reader. I have friends on Twitter whose blogs I don’t read. I have trouble reading what my friends write, much less being able to physically read every blog written by someone who comments or tweets at me. It is not possible.
I have a lot of online friends. I have a lot of online acquaintances. There is a difference.
I have friends who I could text, email or call at anytime. However some of those people? I can go weeks without talking too. My friend Kari and I can literally go weeks without talking. However, I’ll be sharing a bed with her at BlogHer in August. She is someone I’d call to help me hide a body, if the need every came up. It’s just life. She’s busy, I’m busy. I know where she is though, if I needed her.
I have two friends, best friends, who I talk to all the dang time. They mean the world too me. I don’t know what I’d do without them. I would do just about anything for them. The fact that we happened to meet online, stopped mattering long ago. It took me a long time to find them though.
I am going to BlogHer this summer because I want to see my friends. A lot of people say they think BlogHer is so clique. I was there last year, I didn’t see that. What I saw was people spending time with their friends. I went up to many big name bloggers and said hi. Every single one of them was nice too me. I introduced myself to many people who had no idea who I was. I was thrilled when some people did know who I was.
The people who came home and complained? I truly feel that they expected too much. They also expected people to not want to spend time with their friends and only spend time meeting new people. It’s never going to be that way. Some of us will only see our friends this one weekend a year. Think about that for a second before you take it all so personally.
I was nice to every single person who came up and talked too me. I still spent the majority of time with my friends. But hey, I made new friends while there too.
I use Twitter to talk to my friends. I would not expect anyone else to use Twitter in any way, than how they want too.
Just because you come here and read my words, doesn’t mean you know me. You know parts of me, yes. I share more than some people do. It still doesn’t mean you should expect me to do anything, except be a decent human being. It also doesn’t mean that you can come and tell me what to do, or how to be online. I’m a Taurus. I don’t like being told what to do. If we are friends, or you comment often, I love hearing your opinion. But the random people who show up and like to tell me what I should be doing? Are not okay. It’s just not okay.
Here’s the thing I guess I’m going to end this long rambly post with. We are all adults. Adults with lives offline. Spouses, children, jobs, responsibilities. You can’t expect this to be people’s only life. Those few people, who get paid enough to call this their job, are few and far between. It still doesn’t mean they are obligated in some way to each person who reads their words. Blogging by in large is still a hobby.
This community is great. I don’t know where I’d be without it. I’ve spent a lot of years in it. But it is what you make of it. It is not High School. It’s not. Those who act like it is, need to realize it is them who believes it is. It is them who makes it feel that way.