1. On Saturday I went to IKEA for the forth time in my life. I walked out of there, having only spent $24. Each time I’ve been, that’s almost exactly what I’ve spent. I realize this is rather odd. Especially for someone like me, who calls Target the hundred dollar store, because I’ve never walked out of it without spending over $100. In thinking about it, I realized that IKEA is such an experience, that I spent 90% of the time just wandering around looking at everything and I think I’ve forgotten each time I’ve gone that one can actually BUY everything there. When I take my mom in a few weeks, we’ll see how much damage I can actually do.
2. I’m a Bronco fan and yesterdays game was great. It was one of those games I didn’t want to take my eyes off of. I really love watching football on Sunday. I realized something though. I really like football. I really like Twitter. I do not like Twitter during major football games.
3. After three short weeks in a row, this week seems very long. It’s only 10am on Monday and I’m already saying this. Imagine how Thursday will feel?
4. I am a bit ashamed to admit this one….but I started watching Dance Moms this weekend. Lifetime was playing season one pretty much non-stop, because season two starts in a few days. Have you seen this show? I’d heard so much about it that I had to check it out. Yeah. I’m hooked. It’s so bad that it’s good.
5. Getting hooked on a song, is nothing new for me. I go from one favorite song to another. Listening to it non-stop until I’m almost sick of it. I’d hate to do it until I was completely sick of it. Currently my favorite song is this:
I just adore it. What about you? Are you the person who gets hooked on a song? If so what is it right now? I’m curious.
1. I’m actually looking forward to the holidays this year. Last year was hard. It was the first year of sharing holidays. Even though we’d made it completely fair, it was still just hard. This year, we split up this week, as the kids have the whole week off. So right now they are in the mountains with Logan and his parents and they’ll have a blast. Wednesday night they come to me and we’ll go to my parents for three days. Christmas break will be the same. We’ve sorta just split it down the middle. I’ve gotten to where I enjoy the time with them and (mostly) don’t fret about the time without.
2. Of course I cried for a few minutes yesterday after leaving them with him. Which, sorta weirded me out. It’s been a long time since I’ve done that. It was momentary.
3. I won something on the Internet for the first time ever. I’ve been blogging since late 2005. I’ve entered a zillion contests. I rarely enter them now, just because I know I’ll never win. Last week, I entered Jodifur’s contest. Mostly because I like her. Yet I WON! Go me. Also thank you Jodi.
4. There are days where I wonder what in the world I’m doing online. Days where I find it all so tiring. Days where it feels like more work than fun. Then I see something like Anna’s daughter Margaret getting to go to the AMA’s and meet Justin Beiber, all because of social media and I know why I’m here. I remember why I do this. Because the Internet is filled with amazing people. People who help a devastated little girl have a night of pure joy.
5. I’m currently addicted to Plants vs. Zombies. It’s a silly game that’s been out for a long time. The other night I needed something mindless to do. I downloaded the app. I Luff it. Seriously.
That’s what I know right now. If I don’t post again this week, I hope you all have a fantastic Thanksgiving.
SNOW!!!!! That’s how my kids said it this morning. For me it was more like meh snow. Either way, it’s still pretty:
I’m okay with it since well…I have no choice. But also because it’s really wet snow which will hopefully melt tomorrow. I feel super bad for all the trees though.
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I once saved a woman’s life. As in I saw a neighbor half out of her window, called 911, waited while they broke down her door and followed her to the ER. She’d had a stroke and had been trying to crawl to her window to get help for three days. It was six months before she came home. She calls me her angel. She sent me a pretty fall bouquet of flowers this morning.
I still feel bad all these years later that I didn’t somehow get to her before she’d been alone and trapped for three days.
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Until three years ago I didn’t know how to cook. No, I mean I seriously had no clue what to do in my kitchen. I’ve taught myself in that time. Mostly by trial and error, but also with the help of amazing friends who laugh at me, yet always answer my questions.
I never thought I’d get to the place where I’d try to make new things, just because. Nor that I’d love it as much as I do. Yet here I sit, planning on attempting making Fried Green Tomatoes for the first time tonight.
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The kids and I carved pumpkins last night. Which is code for I carved pumpkins last night. They don’t look half bad if I say so myself.
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I will never, ever understand non-smokers who love to tell random smokers: you know that’s bad for you right? I always wonder, what does that person expect? That the smoker will throw down their cigarette and go, oh no I didn’t, thank you so very much for telling me this kind stranger?
I’m not a smoker. I’ve never been a smoker. Yet, I’d never tell random strangers crap about it.
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1. Last week didn’t end well. As you probably know by the previous post about puke. I’m sorry about that by the way. It seemed like a good idea on no sleep. Luckily this week has started off better. Early, but better.
2. I made pumpkin chocolate chip muffins the other day, off a recipe I saw online. I have to say, I’m not super impressed with them. If you have a good pumpkin anything recipe, I’d love to see/hear it.
3. Today is Columbus day, which I actually thought wasn’t observed anymore. But hey, my girls school does. Whatever. They are at the aftercare program today, so it’s all good. I barely get any holidays off.
4. We had our first bit of snow on Saturday. It was snowing, but it didn’t stick, so I don’t really have any pictures. Even though it’s supposed to be the 70′s this week, it did make me realize I needed to buy my kids all kinds of winter gear. That was possibly the only thing I accomplished yesterday.
5. Everywhere I go, I see Christmas decorations. I have serious issues with this. Mostly because I refuse to discuss Christmas with my kids until after Thanksgiving. Do you know how hard that is, when we already see Trees at Costco and light displays at Target? Why can’t we just celebrate the current holiday?
That’s all I’ve got. How are you all doing?
I love fall. I love the change of season, the crisp morning air, the leaves changing colors. However? I really love fall for it’s new TV. I’m one of those people who puts any new show that looks half way decent in my DVR. If I don’t like it after an episode or two, I delete it. No harm, no foul. You never know what you’ll find by doing that. To be honest, I tend to find maybe two new shows a season. One always ends up canceled. So it works out well for me, because I get bored with old shows and I just plain stop watching them after a while.
So far this week? I’ve seen Unforgettable, Revenge, Up All Night and Two Broke Girls.
Revenge? Eh. Seems all soapy and I doubt I’ll watch it again. Unforgettable seemed good, I’ll give it another try. I may like it mostly because I like the woman in it. Poppy something. But hey, I’ve loved shows for less that that reason. Up All Night was pretty painful to watch. I deleted it from my DVR. Two Broke Girls? Hysterical. Will it stay that way? Oh who knows. However, I literally spit water out at one point from laughing so hard. That is the mark of a good show.
I added Hawaii 5-0, which I only saw two episodes of last year, but I like it. I still have a few new ones to see and judge later. Charlie’s Angels for one. Will it probably be horrible? Yes. But I have to see.
I’m seriously looking forward to Amazing Race, Grey’s and Top Chef, which comes back in November.
I have to say…I think I’m over Private Practice (yes, I know it hasn’t started yet), all versions of CSI (which I’ll likely still record and watch anyway) and Modern Family. I know, I know…I just don’t find it that funny anymore. I didn’t laugh last night at all. Shrug.
So…what have you loved? Hated? What are you adding of new shows? Am I the only one who gets seriously addicted to TV in fall and then stops watching much of anything by winter?
The other day I was looking at posts from two years ago. Is it weird that I barely recognize myself from that time? I was a complete mess. I had good reason to be, there was a lot of stuff in my face that I had to deal with.
Here I sit though, two years later and I wish I could go back and tell myself that it’d all be okay. That’d I’d be okay. That I would make it to the other side of that hell that I found myself in. It’s not that September two years ago was all bad. There were some great moments. I met my best friend in Vegas for a girls weekend. My son turned one years old. But holy hell that was a hard time in my life.
September now is different. I am different. For the first time in years I feel in control of my own emotional well being. I haven’t had a panic attack in I don’t remember how long. While I may be dreading winter, I have faith that I will make it through winter in one piece. I can’t say that I never freak out at stupid shit, but hey, I’m a woman. It’s bound to happen from time to time. The difference? I don’t let it stop me from living. I don’t hide in bed anymore. I don’t stop talking to my best friends anymore. I’ve worked my ass off to get to this point.
I am loving fall. I love having my windows open and my AC off. I love shopping for fall clothes for myself and the kids. I love fall TV, watching football on Sunday’s and putting chili and cornbread back into my meal rotation. I love our schedule right now. I’m making some changes that will be big…hopefully.
It’s been a long two years. However, I’m proud of how far I’ve come in two years.
The longer I go without writing the easier it gets. At the same time, the longer I go without writing the more I miss it. It’s a weird thing. I don’t want to stop writing. For me, not writing means I’m not talking. That’s never a good thing for me. At the same time, I don’t know what to say.
Confused yet? That’s okay, I am too. Maybe I’ll try and tell you all what’s been going on. We’ll take it from there. I’ll get back to writing in this space soon. I need it. It may just take me a bit to find my sea legs again.
I haven’t been on Twitter in two days. I miss it. At the same time, I’ve gotten a shit load of stuff done this weekend. I’ve been to IKEA (finally) and The Container Store. I organized bathrooms and cleaned my house. I baked a cherry pie and threw out a ton of junk. I’ve read two books and finally managed to watch some of the shows sitting there mocking me on my DVR. All in all I’ve had a decent weekend.
I’ve made a giant decision that will change my life forever. I’m thrilled with it. It may just take me awhile to be willing to share. I will eventually. I promise. I’m just not there yet.
Harrison is fully potty trained. Unfortunately he finds peeing on trees to be way too fun. Last Friday he peed on a tree at daycare. Yeah. He’s such a boy. The funniest thing is that his dad had this HUGE talk with him about not doing that and then took him camping for three days…where he peed on more trees.
My tiny, yet not tiny boy is turning three this month. Something I can’t quite imagine. (Although he’s been telling people he was three since his cousin turned three in July.) How did he get to be three years old already? I am relinquishing control this year and letting his dad throw the party. All I have to do it show up. It’s weird, but it will work out just fine.
The girls started school a few weeks ago. They are both seriously loving their teachers this year. It always makes me laugh when they raise their hands to ask me something.
That’s what I know right now. I hope you are all doing well.
Yet, I don’t know that it matters. I’m talking about personal blogging. I have spent the last two years telling people that personal blogging isn’t dead. In the moment, I’m not even sure I believe it myself. Maybe it’s just my version of personal blogging that’s dead.
I’ve found in the last few months that I rarely have much to say. Or at least not much which I feel like I can talk about on here. At least not yet. I’m not saying I’m done with blogging, but I feel like I need to make it where I do it only when I want too.
My life has changed a lot in this past six months. However, as I’ve gotten more sure of myself and started feeling more emotionally secure, I don’t find that I have as much to say here. I don’t really need to use this space as therapy most of the time. On top of that, my daughters are too old for me to be sharing most of their lives online. My son isn’t there yet, but I know not many people care to hear about him all the time. At the present time, I don’t know what else I’ll write about.
I have been struggling with this site for a while. Do I leave it? Do I try and do something different with it? I’m not sure what the answer is. Memes are not the answer, this I know. I also know I need to stop feeling guilty if I don’t post. I know I need to get to where I only post when I want too.
I hear people say that Twitter killed personal blogging. Maybe it’s true. Maybe it’s not. I’ll tell you though, I’ve never felt more supported in my life than I have since meeting all the amazing people I met on Twitter.
Today I’m going to take down my BlogHer Ads. They’ve been here for awhile and while I adore BlogHer, I don’t need the pressure of ads on my site. It makes me check my stats after every post, which really is pressure I don’t need. Yes, it’s pressure only I am putting on myself, but it’s there. This is not about them, it’s about me.
I’m not done with blogging. This is not a goodbye. It’s just a post about my reality in this moment. I’ll still post when I want and I hope you guys will still read it when that happens. It just may be longer in-between posts.
I adore personal blogging and I hope it’s not dead. Maybe it’s just a bit dormant at the moment? I suppose only time will tell.
Is there a prize for that? For making it six weeks off of anti-depressants? There should be, although I’m not exactly sure what it could be. Maybe a nice pretty gift box of treats from Harry & David. WHAT? A girl can dream can’t she?
It’s weird, making it this far. I know six weeks isn’t far. However after four years, it seems like a big step in the right direction. I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that there were many times I wondered if I would make it this far. I wasn’t sure I’d make it a week, much less six. I’m not sure what will happen long term. I’m honestly not sure. However, I know I’ve made it this far.
A lot of people asked me why I did this. Why risk falling into a major depression? Why deal with side effects if you may have to go right back on it? Why now? I’m not sure I’m willing to answer that in the moment. I had my reasons and I’m not really ready to share them with the world. But I do promise you that I thought about this very carefully. I weighted all my options and made lists of pros and cons. Will I make it through winter? Hell if I know. It’s a goal though.
As you all well know, I’m an emotional person. High maintenance you could even call me. (Trust me, I’m aware.) I have problems with anxiety, depression and a very over active mind. I’ve had some really exhausting days in the past six weeks. Days where I let myself get too upset over nothing. I’ve had days where I’ve ended up weeping at night until I fall asleep. I’ve had a few days where I’ve been mildly depressed. I’ve been angry a few times. Really seriously angry. (Which is a new one for me. I’ve never really done angry.) Yet, I’ve managed it. I’ve made it through whatever was going on and gotten up the next day knowing it would be better.
I’ll tell you the weirdest thing. There was a day at BlogHer where I thought, fuck this, I can’t do this. I am falling apart. My anxiety was through the roof. Everything I ate made me sick. Every fiber of my being wanted to crawl into bed at 4pm on Friday. So I did the only thing I could think of in that moment. I called one of my best friends and talked to her about laundry. Literally for ten minutes I talked to her about cleaning clothes. I called her, because I knew I could bring up anything and she’d roll with it. I didn’t call my other two best friends, because I knew if I did, I’d fall apart. I could have fallen apart with her, but I also knew I could manage not too. So I talked about laundry and then I was able to continue on with my day. Because I heard her voice and she calmed me down without even knowing it. (Later I told her this and she did know, but like I said, she rolls with whatever.)
BlogHer was a hard one for me this year. Not because of the conference at all. Just because I was un-medicated. Plain and simple. I had no help for my social anxiety. It was a big test and I managed to make it through. Barely, but I did it.
Six weeks. I’ve made it six weeks. My goal in the moment? Is to make it six more. I have to be realistic. I am me and I know myself. If I think long term, I will psych myself out and call my doctor in a week. If I think more short term, it seems more manageable.
It’s been a weird, yet good six weeks. I think I can do this. I really believe I can.
Now….where’s my gift?? 
My home life is small. I lead a small life. Friends are few and far between. I have more acquaintances here than friends. Don’t get me wrong, I do fun things. I shop, I go out to eat, I see movies. My kids and I play mini-golf and we check out parks. We have been to amusement parks and seen numerous movies this summer. A few times a year, we do mini vacations. Yet, more often than not, you’ll find me at home. I don’t mind it. I’m a homebody.
My social life is mostly led online. I work full time and mother full time; I have three children, a house and a dog. This, for me, makes social media the easiest way to connect with people. It’s because of social media that I have any friends at all. I tell you that because it’s true. I’m also lucky enough to tell you that I have tons of amazing friends. Friends I can count on, friends who always support me. I’ve long since stopped caring that most of them live elsewhere.
People ask me all the time if going to BlogHer is worth it and I always tell them HELL YES! You want to know why? Because I got see my friends. For the past three years I’ve gone to BlogHer to be with the people I love and adore. At times I fit more living into those four days than I do in a regular six month time period. I come back horse each year from talking so much. I come home full of love, from all the amazing hugs and conservations. It holds me over until the next time I can go, or the next time I can go see my best friends.
My trip this year was both a BH trip and a BFF trip. Two for the price of one. Heh.
People ask me why they should spend the money and time to go to BlogHer and I can’t always explain it. It’s hard to put it into words. The best I can try and do is tell you some of the highlights of my weekend. Then…well you can decide for yourself.
I do this for dinners spent with nine people. For round tables at seafood places, and long rectangular ones at Mexican places. For tables where everyone talks at once together and others where a small intimate conversation manages to take place in the midst of a crazy loud one.
I do this to make connections. To introduce people I feel like I’ve known forever, to other people who I’ve known for years. To find someone a bed last second and to meet someone new at an airport at 6am on day one.
I do this to laugh at how four people can sit on a couch on their phones and still chat non-stop, without anyone thinking they are being ignored. I do this to be amazed at how a room full of people at a Blogging conference can spend three hours without anyone checking their phone.
I do this to check out a new city. Or at times to get to explore a part of a city that I’d been to before.
I do this for lunches the first day, where you start off with a group of 5 and end up getting a table for 9. For texts from people saying: I AM HERE! Midnight chats in bed. 8am chats in bed. Ha. Breakfasts of bagels and Starbucks for three days in a row.
I do this to finally meet someone at a party the last night and hug them eight times in a row. This amazing person who you’ve been friends with for six years and never managed to meet. Because each time something like this happens, I spend the next day wishing I’d had two more days to spend with this person.
Literally running into someone in the hallway and then spending the next two hours chatting with them and others who turned up.
I do this for: Sparklecorn. Cake balls. Serenity Suite. The Hallmark store that let me send a card to someone. Meeting people in the lobby.
I do this because we sit and chat about the people who are missing. The ones who were going to come and couldn’t last minute. The ones of you who wanted to be there. Even those of you who never want to come. We talk about you too. We share your blogs with each other. We gossip in the good way, the best way. The way that makes it seem like you are all there in a way.
I do this to watch the community keynote each year. To see 12-15 brave people stand up and read their posts. To laugh with them, to cry with them and sometimes laugh until I cry. This year, I had the pleasure of watching a very dear friend of mine read her post. Not the post I’d put in for her to read, but an even better one. It’s powerful and I hope you’ll take a few minutes to listen to it. (Please ignore the poor quality. I took it on my phone. You can hear it perfectly though.)
Each year I go in thinking that maybe next year I’ll pick a smaller conference. I say, this is my last one. By the end, I’m plotting how to get to next years. And this? This is all why.
This is why I do this.
Grab My Button!
I’m a joiner
