I open and close this page way too many times a week. I’m an over thinker. You’re surprised, yes? Heh. I open the same page each morning, expecting words to come flowing out of me, yet they don’t come. At times I wonder if they will again. Then I close the page and move on with my day.
This morning, I read something that changed how I’ve been thinking about this blog for sometime. It was a simple comment that Sweetney left for Laid Off Dad in his most recent post. She said, “not everything has to be deep and meaningful” and it’s completely shifted something in my mind. For so long, I used this blog as therapy. I needed this space to free the words out of my head. On occasion, I still do. A brain dump every now and then is needed. Yet, this blog isn’t my therapy anymore. In the moment, I’m doing really well.
That leaves little to talk about when one believes everything written must have some sort of meaning behind it. But it doesn’t. This is my blog and as my friend Cherry told me the other day, I can use it however I want. Between her comment to me and Tracey’s comment to Doug, I guess I know what I need to do from here on out. I need to say whatever I want, whenever I want. You all don’t need to just hear from me when I’m a mess, I can tell you the everyday stuff as well. Which in this moment, I suppose means I’m talking about nothing. Ha. Nothing is my favorite. Nothing is such an easier place to be. Maybe this will even get me blogging again. We shall see.
Let’s see what I can update you on.
My girls are out of school in something ridiculous like two weeks and three days. They’ll start day camp right away though, so it’s not like much changes. Well except for the luxury of check in time being whenever, no homework and no two zillion forms to sign a week.
I finally feel like I’m over the stress of tax season. I’ve, in the past few days, felt myself relax a bit. I’m sleeping again (mostly), my shoulders aren’t in knots all the time and I’ve stopped grinding my teeth non-stop. My house is cleaner than it’s been in months and this weekend I finally tackled Mt. Laundry. Now if my back would heal quicker, I’d be doing great.
Mothers’ Day was super laid back, just how I like my Sundays to be. We went and saw The Avengers, which was amazing and just how I like my movies to be. Full of explosions and hot super heroes. We had popcorn for lunch and ice cream for dinner. All in all, it was pretty great.
This morning I purchased tickets to our very exciting summer vacation location: Tulsa, Oklahoma. You’re jealous aren’t you? I can tell. 
After the kids went to bed last night, I watched the Sister Wives episode. I should apologize for my horrible taste in TV. However when I think about all the shows that are out there, my love of Sister Wives, The Duggars and Dance Moms isn’t so bad. REALLY!!!! It’s not. A guilty pleasure is just that, a guilty pleasure.
What’s your guilty pleasure TV?
This morning I woke up in the bed that my son is now calling my “welly tall tall bed”. It is taller, courtesy of a new 4 inch memory foam topper and my bed feels brand new. I love brand new. After a week elsewhere, I can’t begin to tell you how nice it was to wake up in my bed, nestled next to two very leggy individuals.
This morning I woke up to my alarm. I took a shower, fed and clothed my children, made lunches and tried not to yell at my daughter who couldn’t find the shoes that were six inches from her person. Welcome home right?
This morning I stepped on Lego’s at my house, instead of the ones at her house. I’d say it’s sad, but it’s not really. Will I in a week or two miss her and wish I was there? Yes. For a bit, yes. But I’ve come to the place that I’m glad to be here. On Saturday the lady at Trader Joe’s, upon hearing that I was from California, asked me if I would move back at some point. My honest answer was probably not. This is my home now.
This morning I was actually on time to work. It’d of been more impressive if I hadn’t logged on to see that my boss is out of town for a few days. If you are on time to work but no one notices, does it even count?
On my phone are photos. Beautiful photos. Photos of family. Photos of friends who feel like family. Good cake. Photos of my favorite beach. When I miss it, I will look at these photos. At some point when that isn’t enough…well I’ll plan another trip.
1. On Saturday I went to IKEA for the forth time in my life. I walked out of there, having only spent $24. Each time I’ve been, that’s almost exactly what I’ve spent. I realize this is rather odd. Especially for someone like me, who calls Target the hundred dollar store, because I’ve never walked out of it without spending over $100. In thinking about it, I realized that IKEA is such an experience, that I spent 90% of the time just wandering around looking at everything and I think I’ve forgotten each time I’ve gone that one can actually BUY everything there. When I take my mom in a few weeks, we’ll see how much damage I can actually do.
2. I’m a Bronco fan and yesterdays game was great. It was one of those games I didn’t want to take my eyes off of. I really love watching football on Sunday. I realized something though. I really like football. I really like Twitter. I do not like Twitter during major football games.
3. After three short weeks in a row, this week seems very long. It’s only 10am on Monday and I’m already saying this. Imagine how Thursday will feel?
4. I am a bit ashamed to admit this one….but I started watching Dance Moms this weekend. Lifetime was playing season one pretty much non-stop, because season two starts in a few days. Have you seen this show? I’d heard so much about it that I had to check it out. Yeah. I’m hooked. It’s so bad that it’s good.
5. Getting hooked on a song, is nothing new for me. I go from one favorite song to another. Listening to it non-stop until I’m almost sick of it. I’d hate to do it until I was completely sick of it. Currently my favorite song is this:
I just adore it. What about you? Are you the person who gets hooked on a song? If so what is it right now? I’m curious.
1. I’m actually looking forward to the holidays this year. Last year was hard. It was the first year of sharing holidays. Even though we’d made it completely fair, it was still just hard. This year, we split up this week, as the kids have the whole week off. So right now they are in the mountains with Logan and his parents and they’ll have a blast. Wednesday night they come to me and we’ll go to my parents for three days. Christmas break will be the same. We’ve sorta just split it down the middle. I’ve gotten to where I enjoy the time with them and (mostly) don’t fret about the time without.
2. Of course I cried for a few minutes yesterday after leaving them with him. Which, sorta weirded me out. It’s been a long time since I’ve done that. It was momentary.
3. I won something on the Internet for the first time ever. I’ve been blogging since late 2005. I’ve entered a zillion contests. I rarely enter them now, just because I know I’ll never win. Last week, I entered Jodifur’s contest. Mostly because I like her. Yet I WON! Go me. Also thank you Jodi.
4. There are days where I wonder what in the world I’m doing online. Days where I find it all so tiring. Days where it feels like more work than fun. Then I see something like Anna’s daughter Margaret getting to go to the AMA’s and meet Justin Beiber, all because of social media and I know why I’m here. I remember why I do this. Because the Internet is filled with amazing people. People who help a devastated little girl have a night of pure joy.
5. I’m currently addicted to Plants vs. Zombies. It’s a silly game that’s been out for a long time. The other night I needed something mindless to do. I downloaded the app. I Luff it. Seriously.
That’s what I know right now. If I don’t post again this week, I hope you all have a fantastic Thanksgiving.
SNOW!!!!! That’s how my kids said it this morning. For me it was more like meh snow. Either way, it’s still pretty:
I’m okay with it since well…I have no choice. But also because it’s really wet snow which will hopefully melt tomorrow. I feel super bad for all the trees though.
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I once saved a woman’s life. As in I saw a neighbor half out of her window, called 911, waited while they broke down her door and followed her to the ER. She’d had a stroke and had been trying to crawl to her window to get help for three days. It was six months before she came home. She calls me her angel. She sent me a pretty fall bouquet of flowers this morning.
I still feel bad all these years later that I didn’t somehow get to her before she’d been alone and trapped for three days.
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Until three years ago I didn’t know how to cook. No, I mean I seriously had no clue what to do in my kitchen. I’ve taught myself in that time. Mostly by trial and error, but also with the help of amazing friends who laugh at me, yet always answer my questions.
I never thought I’d get to the place where I’d try to make new things, just because. Nor that I’d love it as much as I do. Yet here I sit, planning on attempting making Fried Green Tomatoes for the first time tonight.
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The kids and I carved pumpkins last night. Which is code for I carved pumpkins last night. They don’t look half bad if I say so myself.
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I will never, ever understand non-smokers who love to tell random smokers: you know that’s bad for you right? I always wonder, what does that person expect? That the smoker will throw down their cigarette and go, oh no I didn’t, thank you so very much for telling me this kind stranger?
I’m not a smoker. I’ve never been a smoker. Yet, I’d never tell random strangers crap about it.
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1. Last week didn’t end well. As you probably know by the previous post about puke. I’m sorry about that by the way. It seemed like a good idea on no sleep. Luckily this week has started off better. Early, but better.
2. I made pumpkin chocolate chip muffins the other day, off a recipe I saw online. I have to say, I’m not super impressed with them. If you have a good pumpkin anything recipe, I’d love to see/hear it.
3. Today is Columbus day, which I actually thought wasn’t observed anymore. But hey, my girls school does. Whatever. They are at the aftercare program today, so it’s all good. I barely get any holidays off.
4. We had our first bit of snow on Saturday. It was snowing, but it didn’t stick, so I don’t really have any pictures. Even though it’s supposed to be the 70′s this week, it did make me realize I needed to buy my kids all kinds of winter gear. That was possibly the only thing I accomplished yesterday.
5. Everywhere I go, I see Christmas decorations. I have serious issues with this. Mostly because I refuse to discuss Christmas with my kids until after Thanksgiving. Do you know how hard that is, when we already see Trees at Costco and light displays at Target? Why can’t we just celebrate the current holiday?
That’s all I’ve got. How are you all doing?
I love fall. I love the change of season, the crisp morning air, the leaves changing colors. However? I really love fall for it’s new TV. I’m one of those people who puts any new show that looks half way decent in my DVR. If I don’t like it after an episode or two, I delete it. No harm, no foul. You never know what you’ll find by doing that. To be honest, I tend to find maybe two new shows a season. One always ends up canceled. So it works out well for me, because I get bored with old shows and I just plain stop watching them after a while.
So far this week? I’ve seen Unforgettable, Revenge, Up All Night and Two Broke Girls.
Revenge? Eh. Seems all soapy and I doubt I’ll watch it again. Unforgettable seemed good, I’ll give it another try. I may like it mostly because I like the woman in it. Poppy something. But hey, I’ve loved shows for less that that reason. Up All Night was pretty painful to watch. I deleted it from my DVR. Two Broke Girls? Hysterical. Will it stay that way? Oh who knows. However, I literally spit water out at one point from laughing so hard. That is the mark of a good show.
I added Hawaii 5-0, which I only saw two episodes of last year, but I like it. I still have a few new ones to see and judge later. Charlie’s Angels for one. Will it probably be horrible? Yes. But I have to see.
I’m seriously looking forward to Amazing Race, Grey’s and Top Chef, which comes back in November.
I have to say…I think I’m over Private Practice (yes, I know it hasn’t started yet), all versions of CSI (which I’ll likely still record and watch anyway) and Modern Family. I know, I know…I just don’t find it that funny anymore. I didn’t laugh last night at all. Shrug.
So…what have you loved? Hated? What are you adding of new shows? Am I the only one who gets seriously addicted to TV in fall and then stops watching much of anything by winter?
The other day I was looking at posts from two years ago. Is it weird that I barely recognize myself from that time? I was a complete mess. I had good reason to be, there was a lot of stuff in my face that I had to deal with.
Here I sit though, two years later and I wish I could go back and tell myself that it’d all be okay. That’d I’d be okay. That I would make it to the other side of that hell that I found myself in. It’s not that September two years ago was all bad. There were some great moments. I met my best friend in Vegas for a girls weekend. My son turned one years old. But holy hell that was a hard time in my life.
September now is different. I am different. For the first time in years I feel in control of my own emotional well being. I haven’t had a panic attack in I don’t remember how long. While I may be dreading winter, I have faith that I will make it through winter in one piece. I can’t say that I never freak out at stupid shit, but hey, I’m a woman. It’s bound to happen from time to time. The difference? I don’t let it stop me from living. I don’t hide in bed anymore. I don’t stop talking to my best friends anymore. I’ve worked my ass off to get to this point.
I am loving fall. I love having my windows open and my AC off. I love shopping for fall clothes for myself and the kids. I love fall TV, watching football on Sunday’s and putting chili and cornbread back into my meal rotation. I love our schedule right now. I’m making some changes that will be big…hopefully.
It’s been a long two years. However, I’m proud of how far I’ve come in two years.
The longer I go without writing the easier it gets. At the same time, the longer I go without writing the more I miss it. It’s a weird thing. I don’t want to stop writing. For me, not writing means I’m not talking. That’s never a good thing for me. At the same time, I don’t know what to say.
Confused yet? That’s okay, I am too. Maybe I’ll try and tell you all what’s been going on. We’ll take it from there. I’ll get back to writing in this space soon. I need it. It may just take me a bit to find my sea legs again.
I haven’t been on Twitter in two days. I miss it. At the same time, I’ve gotten a shit load of stuff done this weekend. I’ve been to IKEA (finally) and The Container Store. I organized bathrooms and cleaned my house. I baked a cherry pie and threw out a ton of junk. I’ve read two books and finally managed to watch some of the shows sitting there mocking me on my DVR. All in all I’ve had a decent weekend.
I’ve made a giant decision that will change my life forever. I’m thrilled with it. It may just take me awhile to be willing to share. I will eventually. I promise. I’m just not there yet.
Harrison is fully potty trained. Unfortunately he finds peeing on trees to be way too fun. Last Friday he peed on a tree at daycare. Yeah. He’s such a boy. The funniest thing is that his dad had this HUGE talk with him about not doing that and then took him camping for three days…where he peed on more trees.
My tiny, yet not tiny boy is turning three this month. Something I can’t quite imagine. (Although he’s been telling people he was three since his cousin turned three in July.) How did he get to be three years old already? I am relinquishing control this year and letting his dad throw the party. All I have to do it show up. It’s weird, but it will work out just fine.
The girls started school a few weeks ago. They are both seriously loving their teachers this year. It always makes me laugh when they raise their hands to ask me something.
That’s what I know right now. I hope you are all doing well.
Yet, I don’t know that it matters. I’m talking about personal blogging. I have spent the last two years telling people that personal blogging isn’t dead. In the moment, I’m not even sure I believe it myself. Maybe it’s just my version of personal blogging that’s dead.
I’ve found in the last few months that I rarely have much to say. Or at least not much which I feel like I can talk about on here. At least not yet. I’m not saying I’m done with blogging, but I feel like I need to make it where I do it only when I want too.
My life has changed a lot in this past six months. However, as I’ve gotten more sure of myself and started feeling more emotionally secure, I don’t find that I have as much to say here. I don’t really need to use this space as therapy most of the time. On top of that, my daughters are too old for me to be sharing most of their lives online. My son isn’t there yet, but I know not many people care to hear about him all the time. At the present time, I don’t know what else I’ll write about.
I have been struggling with this site for a while. Do I leave it? Do I try and do something different with it? I’m not sure what the answer is. Memes are not the answer, this I know. I also know I need to stop feeling guilty if I don’t post. I know I need to get to where I only post when I want too.
I hear people say that Twitter killed personal blogging. Maybe it’s true. Maybe it’s not. I’ll tell you though, I’ve never felt more supported in my life than I have since meeting all the amazing people I met on Twitter.
Today I’m going to take down my BlogHer Ads. They’ve been here for awhile and while I adore BlogHer, I don’t need the pressure of ads on my site. It makes me check my stats after every post, which really is pressure I don’t need. Yes, it’s pressure only I am putting on myself, but it’s there. This is not about them, it’s about me.
I’m not done with blogging. This is not a goodbye. It’s just a post about my reality in this moment. I’ll still post when I want and I hope you guys will still read it when that happens. It just may be longer in-between posts.
I adore personal blogging and I hope it’s not dead. Maybe it’s just a bit dormant at the moment? I suppose only time will tell.
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